Why motherhood makes one egotistical

Lately I have really been torn between the 'Wait it Out' Sleep method, where we really don't do anything but nurture our baby and meet her needs - however inconvenient they may be and feeling like an utter failure for not following through and succeeding in sleep training.  While talking with the social worker, she made me understand one thing - IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!! Why do I feel like a failure because MY DAUGHTER doesn't fit inside a mold that someone somewhere thought she should?  Of course I could do more, structure her day more, let her cry more etc etc and she would eventually 'get it'.  But at what cost?  Why do I feel like it is my inadequacies that are failing her, and not look at her as an individual with her own quirks that may or may not be responsible for the failed sleep training attempt? 

I think mothers do this regarding everything.  Feeding, sleeping, potty training. If our kids don't 'get-it' right away, then we feel like failures.  However, sometimes the kids' needs need to be looked at and taken into consideration.  For example, my neighbour was doing a potty training boot camp last month with her almost 3 year old son.  He had a few successful pees in the potty, but many times he would pee his pants just after sitting on the potty every hour.  It got to the point where he was refusing the time on the potty and getting very upset at himself and his parents every time he had an accident.  After a day and a half, they gave up.  He clearly wasn't ready as he couldn't associate the feeling of having to pee with actually peeing.  Very hard to potty train if those two things can't be connected. One could blame the parents for not trying harder. Putting him on the potty longer or more often - however when the child resists and is becoming traumatized, it is better to quit and start again when they are ready.  She blamed herself and I told her it wasn't her fault - he simply wasn't ready. It isn't as though he will be in diapers forever.  Eventually, he will learn to use the washroom like everyone else.  It just may take him longer.  The same can go for sleep training.  Like in all areas of development, babies mature in their ability to sleep.  Some say rocking/nursing/bouncing etc are crutches that make it so babies will never sleep on their own.  However, diapers can be considered crutches for toilet training. I have many friends who have told me that they remove the diaper because THEIR CHILD has initiated this step to them.  Not because they decided their child is able to go without. Each child will learn how to sleep on their own.  It may just take some longer than others. 

The same theory can be applied to eating.  When I was having major issues with supply and breast feeding, I was feeling like a total failure for not producing enough. However, my daughter didn't have the knack of sucking yet, so she wasn't doing her part either.  It wasn't all on me. 

Parenting is HARD.  Because it is so hard, we take everything so seriously and blame ourselves for our child's development (or lack there of).  There are  A LOT of theories/resources out there (so many that if you are like me, you can drown yourself in information and loose your ability to listen to your gut instinct) and many theories work for many people. However, if your child doesn't fit the mold and the theories aren't working for your family, it isn't your fault.  Now that you have a kid, it isn't all about you anymore!

I think for those of us who have gone through IF and loss, parenting and trying to do things 'right' is even harder.  We couldn't control getting or staying pregnant, so we want to control our lives with baby.  Truth is, baby sets the rules - no matter how hard we try to make it otherwise.   Society (family/friends) tend to tell us what to do or make us think we are inadequate.  However, evolution gave us instincts for a reason.  The best thing I have learned lately, is to listen to your gut.  You will know what's best for YOUR BABY.  If that's following some plan, great.  If it is waiting a while and then trying a plan - wonderful.  Whatever works for you!  If it isn't working, it isn't a reflection on you as a mom. 

Nurshable.com is a blog I've been following about gentle parenting.  If you are interested in learning more about the 'wait it out' method of sleep training, or about any other gentle parenting issue, I would highly recommend her blog. 

20 Questions

I decided I wanted to try to answer the PAIL inspired theme post - 20 questions.  So here it goes!

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1. What was the last thing you threw in the garbage/recycling? Garbage from the car my hubby left behind.  Wrappers of some sort. 
2. What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod? Right now, we have a Celtic Lullaby that plays every night.  I haven't put my own music on in a while!  Mumford and Sons is my go-to if I do.
3. What is your favorite quote? "To Thine Oneself be True". 
4. What chore do you absolutely hate doing? Hmmm...vacuuming. We have 2 dogs and it always needs to be done...I hate it!
5. What is your favorite form of exercise?  When I used to go regularly I loved spinning. 
6. What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year? I'm a morning person, I love Saturday mornings when you know you don't have to go to work (or hubby is at home) and I love September
7. What is on your bedside table? Don't got one...but on my dresser I have a whole pile of crap - and a ton of dust!
8. What is your favorite body part? My eyes
9. Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate. I would probably use it to just escape.  If I am in a situation where I don't feel comfortable, I would use it so I could just get away.
10. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be? Hmmm....not sure! Maybe 30. I like 30 - just don't want to get any older
11. What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Pay off debt!
12. What is your biggest pet peeve? Noisy eaters.   My dog barking
13. If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be? ??
14. At what age did you become an adult? I became an adult at a very young age...At 7 I was responsible for looking after my brother before and after school and making dinner when my mom was in the hospital.  I don't remember having a joy-filled, care-free childhood.
15. Recommend a book, movie, or television show in three sentences or less.The Red Tent (book) Most amazing, inspirational book I have read that celebrates womanhood in a way that no other story has done before.
16. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble? Well my mother was a bit of a control freak so one day, I didn't wipe the counters and she yelled and slammed cupboard doors in my face...
17. What was the first album you bought with your own money? Michael Jackson I believe
18. If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title? Looking for Acceptance
19. What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you? Hmmm...not sure what stories they are telling.
20. True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case. Not sure...I never really believed/became educated in any mythical creatures so I don't have anything to compare it to!

Well she's gone...

My good night sleeper is gone and nowhere to be found.  I have made myself sick over this.  I even went to the hospital and talked to a PPD social worker about my feelings.  I haven't been able to eat or stop crying.  She told me that it was serious sleep deprivation and not PPD causing my problems get sleep and everything will work out fine.  So last night, Hannah curled up beside me like she always does and nursed to sleep. Her and I fell asleep together and when daddy tried to transfer her, she woke up the first time but stayed sleeping the second only to wake up an hour later.  So, instead of fighting with her, I brought her into my little cocoon and there she and I both slept all night long.  Her suckling me for comfort/food and me holding her tight.  When my boob fell out of her mouth, she would let me know and I would help her relatch and we would both fall asleep. At 5:00 I thought that this had to end, and she would sleep in her own bed. I was successful at transferring her into her bassinet, however she was incredibly restless. She wasn't happy being by herself, so I opted to bring her back into bed with me and she mellowed out.  By doing this, I didn't get a single moment of time for myself (normally she would sleep for another 3 hours after waking where I could pump and just have 'me' time) but we were both well rested.  This has made the world of difference.  I emailed our sleep consultant about her sleep regression to see what she says.  Her response was defensive saying she has never heard a baby regress so badly from starting a sleep training regime (especially one that was aborted so quickly). She told me that since I'm not getting sleep anyways, that I should plow through and do the sleep training program so that I can get sleep again in a weeks time.  I partially believe her..however, something in my gut is telling me that my daughter NEEDS me right now. Either trying to separate her from me for a weekend (for naps) caused some separation anxiety or it is completely unrelated but I think she is telling me she needs to be with her mommy right now.  I am the one with the issue - not her. She sleeps for 2+ hours at a time in the ergo carrier and last night she slept all night long - didn't get up to cry or need consoling. So really I'm the one with the issue.  I was surprised with our consultants response - as she also identifies herself as an attachment parent and puts on attachment parenting workshops too.  If she was an attachment parent expert, wouldn't she have suggested that she is just needing mommy right now and to keep the training on hold...not rush into it?

Sleeping is such a 'hot' topic and I have literally made myself sick with worry.  Everyone else is making me feel I'm doing something 'wrong' by wearing my daughter and co-sleeping.  I may change my mind next week - but for right now I think I'll try and put myself intune with my daughter and listen to what she is trying to tell me.   

Where did my night sleeper go?

Ever since we attempted nap training, our little girls has been a HORRIBLE night sleeper.  2 nights ago she was up every 3 hours.  Last night, every 1.5-2 hours.  Could it be a growth spurt? A wonder week phenomenon?  I really fucked her up with sleep training? She wants to eat, but then eats till letdown then just comfort sucks and will wake if I take her off boob (or will wake in the hour).  I'm so friggen tired.  I want my baby back! If I didn't attempt nap training and this occurred I would have thought anything of it..but since we did I can't help but think I caused it. 

Sleep Training . . . on hold . . .

So I have this almost finished post unpublished where it talks about the 'success' we were having with sleep training this past weekend.  Our plan (created by a sleep consultant) was to put H to sleep (by nursing, rocking whatever) and then lay her down in her crib.  If she wakes up, put her to sleep again..repeate.  She feels that H is too young to cry alone, so we were starting off slowly.  The problem was, our daughter wouldn't sleep longer than 5-20 min.  I would constantnly be going in and putting her back to sleep.  This unknown schedule was giving me so much anxiety.  It affected her night sleeping as well and in the last 3 days of trying she has only had 1 good night.  I can't function like this.  I have been ill.  I'm not sure why.  So this morning when she woke up at 5:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep..I was beside myself.  I knew bringing her into bed was making things bad...but that's what I had to do.  Our sleep consultant said by not having night routine the same as day we were not setting her up for success.  We weren't ready to mess with night time as she was sleeping so well at night. 

So - today while crying to my grandmother and texting hubby ferociously, I am putting training on hold for awhile.  I need my baby to sleep.  She needs to sleep. Our little one has no self-soothing skills and I wasn't confident that this plan would even really do anything except make her really overtired and get her some-what used to sleeping in her crib during the day.

The real issue is WHY this whole thing, the unexpectedness and unpredictability of it all bothered me so much.  She wasn't crying - everytime she woke I put her back down.  So I can't blame hearing her cry the reason why I was so bothered.  But honestly for the last 3 days I feel sick to my stomach.  Literally.  It is nuts!  We had a groove and I guess I really needed that groove for things to feel okay.  I know it wasn't sustainable as my back is starting to kill and hubby and I don't get time with each other - but it was something I could count on.  Now, the unknown of it all is throwing me into a dizzy.  As I sit here with her in the ergo, I wonder if I made the right choice ...but thining of fighting with her all day for naps is just too much to handle.


I hope in time, she matures and learns to sleep better- but from what I read, I think we are going to have to help the situation some.  I don't think this weekend was a waste as it made me realize the work involved and will prepare me for when we are actually willing to sleep train.   We'll just have to wait and see. . .

Loves...

My baby girl is 14 weeks today and entering another 'wonder week saga'. This one apparently can last up to 5 weeks.  Although the crankiness has started, there are many things that make her happy and I can say she loves...

- her excersaucer - just got one on Friday and put her in for the first time.  She loves it! Talking to all her ' friends' and standing by herself.

- 'Hungry Hungry Caterpillar'  a co-worker gave us the Hungry caterillar as a gift.  It is the exact replica of the story. She loves chewing on the years and staring into its big eyes

- bouncing up and down on mommy's knee

- baby massage - my sister-in-law did a crash course in infant massage (she's a RMT) H LOVES being massaged - especially her face...but could care less about her back (still doesn't like being on her tummy much)

- Jolly Jumper - only been it it once, but I can tell it will be a sure hit once she knows how to bounce.

- moby/ergo carrier - yup still napping in these...she loves them that's for sure!

She is growing so fast! She's still on the small side but to us she is huge! 

The real birth

I found this saying on a Facebook parenting site I follow.  I saw it on a day where I was feeling conflicted with my duties as a parent and desires as an individual.  A bunch of friends were getting together and I desperately wanted to go see them, but I needed to stay home and be with my baby who has her first cold. The decision was obvious, but my feelings of wanting to just leave her and go were so strong.  I felt guilty for wanting to leave my sick baby.  Then I read this...it seemed so enlightening.  I am really struggling right now with the tasks of  becoming a mother.  My hubby and I argue because I feel he can go about his daily life and enjoy her when he feels like it, but I don't have a choice or an ability to hand her off and go about the things I would like to do. 

The birth of a mother is such a novel concept.  For some, I think it is natural.  For others it is learned.  When you have dealt with IF and miscarriage like I have, you think that since motherhood is so desperately sought after, it would be natural.  For me it hasn't been.  Breastfeeding, although it comes with a huge amount of anxiety and struggles, has forced me to become an attached parent.  It has forced me to put my selfish desires aside and focus on the needs of my daughter. However, I still struggle, sometimes hourly, with the level of commitment and work that go along with being a mother.  I am so NEEDED all the time. Sometimes that is such a wonderful feeling, other times it is so exhausting I just want to run away.

My actual labour was easy.  9 hours from start to finish.  No drugs.  Not really that much pain.  Her after-birth and all the health complications she endured were much harder then pushing her out. Although my labour was easy, I think, almost 13 weeks in, my soul is still trying to give birth to the mother inside me.  Unlike actual labour where medical interventions can speed things along and take away the pain, this labour I have to do all on my own and nothing can stop the pain.  Some days I think I have made huge strides, and then others I feel like I am back at the beginning.  I guess that's why it takes a year right?