I took almost 3 weeks off work to get over the nasty gastro-bug H and I had, and a chest/sinus cold that knocked me out. I also took that time to try and get a handle on my depression and anxiety. I am now back to work 2/3. That means I only teach in the afternoons but need to be at work by 11. Depending on how the morning goes, I drop H off at the sitters between 7:30 and 8 or if she is sleeping in, after 9:30, and then I go home and veg. I still am suffering from mild insomnia, so I wish I could sleep...but I use that time in the morning to get some chores done (laundry usually), plan for dinner or put dinner in the crock-pot and watch tv, exercise or just veg in bed. This is me time...and although I feel like I should be more productive, I'm perfectly happy just relaxing. I'm not going to lie, I love this new schedule. I always said I wanted to go back to work 2/3 but talked myself out of it saying the money is more important. Now, since I have an anxiety disorder, I'm off that 1/3 on medical so I'm still getting paid. This will continue until the end of the school year and then I guess I have to evaluate if I want to go on a 1/3 leave for Sept. or try and go back full-time. Having this extra time in the mornings has allowed me to slow down and breathe. I'm no longer rushing around all the time trying to figure out how to cram everything i need to get done in. I am able to shower before work - which seems miniscule, but is HUGE for me.
I love my mornings with H and if she isn't up at the crack of dawn and wants to sleep a little longer, I love having our morning cuddles. When I was off sick, I would often fall asleep myself. But now I'm up with her around 5 am and can't sleep. However, I now longer have to worry about getting out of bed and having to rush around to get ready for work. I usually lie there and breathe, try and relax and just let my mind wander.
Maybe this part-time thing is what I need. Who knows where the fall will bring but I will enjoy every moment I have now!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
When depression rears its ugly head.
Well, I left off saying that Hubby and I were sick after H was up all night puking. I thought the saga would end there. Turns out, I was wrong. I ended up needing to go to the Emergency Room as it felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and I found it hard to breathe. These feelings lasted over 24 hours before I went. Then, H woke up again and started puking. After I thought we were all getting well. Her second round of the flu did me in. The card-house collapsed and I was drowning in anxiety and depression. I couldn't handle having my baby sick for one more night. I couldn't handle having to take another day off work and worry about how I was going to cope with working and a sick baby. All these negative emotions came running back.
I took H to the Dr and while I was there, I broke down. H had the stomach bug...nothing more. I was signed off work for 3 weeks for stress leave. I couldn't cope.
I went and saw a counsellor and he made me answer 20 questions. Apparently through these questions, he was able to identify that I was experiencing Sever Depression and Sever Anxiety. The anxiety I understood. I was a wreck dealing with H and everything we have gone through this winter...but the depression shocked me. He explained that the way the chemicals in your brain work, is that if you have EVER been in a depressed state, you will go back to that state when stressed. Each time you go back, the deeper the depression. He says unless you treat the chemical imbalance, you wont be able to ever get rid of the depression. He is also very much pro-natural supplements vs medications. Since I am still nursing, I fear taking drugs as he said a lot of the drugs don't work for some people so it really is a crap shoot finding the right drug at the right dose. He suggested I take amino-acids and cod-liver oil as well as beta blockers to help bring me out.
Funny what happens when the cards come crashing down. Now, EVERYTHING is coming back up. All the feelings associated wiht the miscarriages, the infertility, the abuse from my childhood. Everything. I have realized that I need to change. I can't continue to go on in life the way I have been living as I am living on adrenaline and not taking each moment as it comes. My immune system is failing me as I am so stressed. My family is suffering, my job is suffering and my health is suffering. I am too young and have too much at steak to not take this as a wake-up call.
While off, I'm trying to figure out ways to cope. I'm trying to not allow negative feelings and emotions to consume me. I want to be happy for me AND for H.
Being a working momma is hard. Totally wish I had the ability to stay home with her.
I took H to the Dr and while I was there, I broke down. H had the stomach bug...nothing more. I was signed off work for 3 weeks for stress leave. I couldn't cope.
I went and saw a counsellor and he made me answer 20 questions. Apparently through these questions, he was able to identify that I was experiencing Sever Depression and Sever Anxiety. The anxiety I understood. I was a wreck dealing with H and everything we have gone through this winter...but the depression shocked me. He explained that the way the chemicals in your brain work, is that if you have EVER been in a depressed state, you will go back to that state when stressed. Each time you go back, the deeper the depression. He says unless you treat the chemical imbalance, you wont be able to ever get rid of the depression. He is also very much pro-natural supplements vs medications. Since I am still nursing, I fear taking drugs as he said a lot of the drugs don't work for some people so it really is a crap shoot finding the right drug at the right dose. He suggested I take amino-acids and cod-liver oil as well as beta blockers to help bring me out.
Funny what happens when the cards come crashing down. Now, EVERYTHING is coming back up. All the feelings associated wiht the miscarriages, the infertility, the abuse from my childhood. Everything. I have realized that I need to change. I can't continue to go on in life the way I have been living as I am living on adrenaline and not taking each moment as it comes. My immune system is failing me as I am so stressed. My family is suffering, my job is suffering and my health is suffering. I am too young and have too much at steak to not take this as a wake-up call.
While off, I'm trying to figure out ways to cope. I'm trying to not allow negative feelings and emotions to consume me. I want to be happy for me AND for H.
Being a working momma is hard. Totally wish I had the ability to stay home with her.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
This horrible winter and sickness
I'm DONE with this winter. I'm DONE with sickness. My family and I have been SO SICK this winter that I'm starting to have panic attacks waiting for the next person (usually H) to get sick.
Here is the run-down:
Oct- H started daycare and developed a cold. I soon got same cold. Took her to Dr's and it was just a horrible cough. Spent many nights my first week back at work holding her upright so we could breathe and sleep.
Oct - I developed a sever blocked duct and started to get a fever. Needed a day off to rest and seek therapeutic ultrasound to help dissolve block. ALSO battling a horrible cold.
End of Nov/Early Dec - I start suffering from SEVER insomnia. Take a day off work to sleep as I haven't slept in days. That night, H and I BOTH come down with stomach bug. Both of us puking (and me the 'other thing') all night long. Worst night ever. 3 days later, H has to go to emerg for dehydration. Next day we are back at Dr and she is diagnosed with double ear infection. Brutal.
End of Jan/ First week of Feb - H starts coming down with cold. Take her to Dr's and she is diagnosed with Croup. Figure we would just wait it out. 4 days later, she still has on-going fever so we take her back...fluid in the lungs and another double ear infection. Another round of antibiotics. 1 week after, I come down with serious sinus cold.
Beginning of March - another cold with horrible cough. Luckily it doesn't progress into anything
Mid March - H wakes up puking. I wake up and faint 3 times, while hubby is dealing with screaming, pukey baby...I'm passing out and going unconcious. I figure it was a combination of low-blood pressure, waking up too quickly, the 3 drinks I had (first time in 2 years) 4 hours prior and not allowing myself to fully recover the first time I pass out so I go on to pass out 2 more times. 3 days after, I come down with stomach bug and *void* from both ends all night and the next morning. This is where we stand now. Hubby stayed home today too cause he was feeling quite nauseous but hasn't actually gotten sick. I am STILL feeling like crap 2 days later. I am terrified H is going to get sick again...so much so that I wonder if some of my feeling ill in my tummy is due to me worrying about her getting sick.
We have THE BEST sitter, and we can send her when she isn't her best...but I have taken quite a few days off work cause I have had to stay home with her. Luckily, (or unluckily) I was also sick so I wasn't lieing (we aren't allowed to stay home with our children who are sick).
I can't take much more. I have 15 more weeks left of work till summer vacation. I feel like I am so burned out from balancing being a mommy and a teacher. I am failing at both. I don't know how anyone else does it. We eat fairly good. We try to use alternative supplements to help boost immune systems. I'm still nursing...so why is she getting so sick? I'm not the only one who has had a winter like mine. Many of my facebook feeds are of friends battling yet another illness or two in their families. It doesn't help that I work with special needs students so I'm bringing home a lot of 'junk' and DH works in waste water so he is literally bringing home shit some days... It just sucks. Who gets the stomach bug 2 x in one season??? Today I bleached all surfaces of my home in hopes to get rid of any germs. We've also had the windows open for brief periods of time a couple days this past week...so hopefully when the weather is nicer we can open the windows more and get fresh air in the home and help us get healthy!
Has anyone else had a rough winter? What have you done to stay healthy?
Here is the run-down:
Oct- H started daycare and developed a cold. I soon got same cold. Took her to Dr's and it was just a horrible cough. Spent many nights my first week back at work holding her upright so we could breathe and sleep.
Oct - I developed a sever blocked duct and started to get a fever. Needed a day off to rest and seek therapeutic ultrasound to help dissolve block. ALSO battling a horrible cold.
End of Nov/Early Dec - I start suffering from SEVER insomnia. Take a day off work to sleep as I haven't slept in days. That night, H and I BOTH come down with stomach bug. Both of us puking (and me the 'other thing') all night long. Worst night ever. 3 days later, H has to go to emerg for dehydration. Next day we are back at Dr and she is diagnosed with double ear infection. Brutal.
End of Jan/ First week of Feb - H starts coming down with cold. Take her to Dr's and she is diagnosed with Croup. Figure we would just wait it out. 4 days later, she still has on-going fever so we take her back...fluid in the lungs and another double ear infection. Another round of antibiotics. 1 week after, I come down with serious sinus cold.
Beginning of March - another cold with horrible cough. Luckily it doesn't progress into anything
Mid March - H wakes up puking. I wake up and faint 3 times, while hubby is dealing with screaming, pukey baby...I'm passing out and going unconcious. I figure it was a combination of low-blood pressure, waking up too quickly, the 3 drinks I had (first time in 2 years) 4 hours prior and not allowing myself to fully recover the first time I pass out so I go on to pass out 2 more times. 3 days after, I come down with stomach bug and *void* from both ends all night and the next morning. This is where we stand now. Hubby stayed home today too cause he was feeling quite nauseous but hasn't actually gotten sick. I am STILL feeling like crap 2 days later. I am terrified H is going to get sick again...so much so that I wonder if some of my feeling ill in my tummy is due to me worrying about her getting sick.
We have THE BEST sitter, and we can send her when she isn't her best...but I have taken quite a few days off work cause I have had to stay home with her. Luckily, (or unluckily) I was also sick so I wasn't lieing (we aren't allowed to stay home with our children who are sick).
I can't take much more. I have 15 more weeks left of work till summer vacation. I feel like I am so burned out from balancing being a mommy and a teacher. I am failing at both. I don't know how anyone else does it. We eat fairly good. We try to use alternative supplements to help boost immune systems. I'm still nursing...so why is she getting so sick? I'm not the only one who has had a winter like mine. Many of my facebook feeds are of friends battling yet another illness or two in their families. It doesn't help that I work with special needs students so I'm bringing home a lot of 'junk' and DH works in waste water so he is literally bringing home shit some days... It just sucks. Who gets the stomach bug 2 x in one season??? Today I bleached all surfaces of my home in hopes to get rid of any germs. We've also had the windows open for brief periods of time a couple days this past week...so hopefully when the weather is nicer we can open the windows more and get fresh air in the home and help us get healthy!
Has anyone else had a rough winter? What have you done to stay healthy?
Monday, March 3, 2014
Finding a balance
Now that H is finally sleeping better (usually sleeps from 8-4:30/5 am and then goes back to sleep till 6:30/7) I have time for myself. With this 'free time', I'm finding it hard to find a balance for all the things I want to do, and all the things I need to do, plus spend time with hubby.
My job is very demanding. My toddler is very demanding. I wake up and take care of her, then after I drop her off I have a 20 min reprieve as I drive to work to only deal with people all day long needing the utmost care and attention. I then get another 20 min break as I drive home (with the winter we have had/having the drive isn't a break as its usually a snow-covered/drifty drive) and then I am momma to my toddler until she goes to bed. Once I get in the door, she demands to nurse. This nursing session is my favourite as its a wonderful way to reconnect after a day apart. But, it also means that as soon as I get home I am glued to her for at least half an hour. Once she lets me free, I have to make dinner, clean-up from dinner, make lunches for hubby and I and bathe her. All the while dealing with her shannanigans - like tonight where she feels the ground is on fire and filled with man-eating spiders and refuses to let me put her down even for a second to pee. Hubby helps where he can (makes dinner usually) but she doesn't want anything to do with him some nights. So by 7:30 when she goes to bed, I am wiped. I shower in the evenings so I don't have to worry about it in the morning, and usually that's the first time all day where I can unwind and relax. Now if hubby and I want to have intimacy time (and since we are officially TTC again we aim to do this 3-5x a week...but we aren't likely reaching our goals) this cuts into my evening and desire to veg. Since H wakes up between 4:30 and 5 - I usually wake up at that time and can't fall asleep. My insomnia is still pretty bad and if I wake up that early I'm usually up for the day. So by 9:00 I'm exhausted and needing to sleep myself.
So where do you find time for:
-exercise? I NEED to get into an exercise regime. I miss it. I need it for my emotional health. I need it cause I've gained weight from stress eating. I need it to feel good about myself. I need it to help me sleep. But when do I go? We have a bike in our basement to use, but I find it hard to even go on that when H clings to me for dear life when I'm on it. I also can't work out after she goes to bed as its too late for me.
-reading/watching tv: I love me a good tv veg session. This is one of the few ways I can turn off my brain and just relax. Once again...given my job I need this decompression .. but I'm finding it hard.
- see friends -
- blog?
I love my daughter. I love my husband...but right now my momma duties and wifely duties are trumping my own desires. I also can't sacrifice sleep for my own needs as I can't function without sleep.
How does everyone else manage? I'm blessed that hubby and I are both home by 4 or 4:30 - so we have more 'free' time in the evenings than most. Yet I'm still feeling like I need more time to get everything in.
My job is very demanding. My toddler is very demanding. I wake up and take care of her, then after I drop her off I have a 20 min reprieve as I drive to work to only deal with people all day long needing the utmost care and attention. I then get another 20 min break as I drive home (with the winter we have had/having the drive isn't a break as its usually a snow-covered/drifty drive) and then I am momma to my toddler until she goes to bed. Once I get in the door, she demands to nurse. This nursing session is my favourite as its a wonderful way to reconnect after a day apart. But, it also means that as soon as I get home I am glued to her for at least half an hour. Once she lets me free, I have to make dinner, clean-up from dinner, make lunches for hubby and I and bathe her. All the while dealing with her shannanigans - like tonight where she feels the ground is on fire and filled with man-eating spiders and refuses to let me put her down even for a second to pee. Hubby helps where he can (makes dinner usually) but she doesn't want anything to do with him some nights. So by 7:30 when she goes to bed, I am wiped. I shower in the evenings so I don't have to worry about it in the morning, and usually that's the first time all day where I can unwind and relax. Now if hubby and I want to have intimacy time (and since we are officially TTC again we aim to do this 3-5x a week...but we aren't likely reaching our goals) this cuts into my evening and desire to veg. Since H wakes up between 4:30 and 5 - I usually wake up at that time and can't fall asleep. My insomnia is still pretty bad and if I wake up that early I'm usually up for the day. So by 9:00 I'm exhausted and needing to sleep myself.
So where do you find time for:
-exercise? I NEED to get into an exercise regime. I miss it. I need it for my emotional health. I need it cause I've gained weight from stress eating. I need it to feel good about myself. I need it to help me sleep. But when do I go? We have a bike in our basement to use, but I find it hard to even go on that when H clings to me for dear life when I'm on it. I also can't work out after she goes to bed as its too late for me.
-reading/watching tv: I love me a good tv veg session. This is one of the few ways I can turn off my brain and just relax. Once again...given my job I need this decompression .. but I'm finding it hard.
- see friends -
- blog?
I love my daughter. I love my husband...but right now my momma duties and wifely duties are trumping my own desires. I also can't sacrifice sleep for my own needs as I can't function without sleep.
How does everyone else manage? I'm blessed that hubby and I are both home by 4 or 4:30 - so we have more 'free' time in the evenings than most. Yet I'm still feeling like I need more time to get everything in.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
The working momma
First off, I have to say that living in Canada we are SO LUCKY to be able to take 1 year off of maternity leave and receive a partial income for that year. For mommas in the U.S and other countries that aren't so fortunate, I have no idea how you cope!
Returning to work has been hard! I find the demands of my job and the demands of being a mother (and a wife) so difficult to juggle. Time for myself is very limited and sleep is basically unheard of.
Being a nursing mother returning to work has been easier than I anticipated. About 2 weeks into work I didn't pump on my lunch (I wasn't pumping for milk to feed...but just to comfort as H wouldn't drink BM from a bottle or cup. I ended up donating over 100 oz to a momma in need as it would have gone to waste otherwise. Pretty proud of that considering I struggled with low supply for so long), and I forgot to 'check' the girls to see if they were ok. When I did check, I had a clogged duct. It was brutal! I ended up taking a day off as I came down with a nasty cold too and went to a physio-therapist to receive therapeutic ultrasound on the clog. Luckily it drained and haven't had one since. *knock on wood* I've since given up that pumping session and now I can go the entire day without needing to express. It saddens me some as my supply isn't as plentiful as it once was, but I was assured last night by my LLL leaders that my body/boobs know what they are doing!
Coming home is an interesting endevour. H can be happily playing with her daddy and as soon as I walk in the door, she starts crying and whining until we nurse. The nursing session is a long one and she has a rather long period of cranky/clingyness before she starts playing again. I hate this. I wish she didn't have to make up for lost time. However, we are very fortunate to have an amazing sitter who loves H and H loves going to see her.
Food and cooking and cleaning have been a battle. I hate cooking. I wasn't a very good stay at home wife for the year I was off and didn't prepare meals on a regular basis. Now, it is a struggle. I try to ensure there is meat out each night so that we can do something for dinner. However we are still eating take-out on a regular basis. I wish we were more organized...but that just isn't the case. Many nights it isn't the cooking that is so daunting...but the cleanup.
H has been falling asleep on her own when daddy puts her to sleep. She still isn't sleeping through the entire night, but it has given me a new perspective. It is amazing to have a few hours to myself at night and be able to spend time with hubby. Unfortunately my insomnia has been HORRIFIC. Since returning to work I have had so little sleep and I think its because of the stress of work keeping me awake at night cause many times it isn't the baby.
Overall, we are coping. I wish I had heard more stories from people who returned to work when there babies were a bit older and how they coped. I miss being off SO MUCH. Hubby and I are officially in TTC land once again. I'm trying not to be obsessive - but its hard to not go down that road. Since I'm up for a lot of the night, I'm finding it hard to temp - but I hope to try again next month. Ideally we'd like to be pregnant in May/June. But we are trying now cause it took us awhile the last time around so we figure we wont waste any time! LOL
Returning to work has been hard! I find the demands of my job and the demands of being a mother (and a wife) so difficult to juggle. Time for myself is very limited and sleep is basically unheard of.
Being a nursing mother returning to work has been easier than I anticipated. About 2 weeks into work I didn't pump on my lunch (I wasn't pumping for milk to feed...but just to comfort as H wouldn't drink BM from a bottle or cup. I ended up donating over 100 oz to a momma in need as it would have gone to waste otherwise. Pretty proud of that considering I struggled with low supply for so long), and I forgot to 'check' the girls to see if they were ok. When I did check, I had a clogged duct. It was brutal! I ended up taking a day off as I came down with a nasty cold too and went to a physio-therapist to receive therapeutic ultrasound on the clog. Luckily it drained and haven't had one since. *knock on wood* I've since given up that pumping session and now I can go the entire day without needing to express. It saddens me some as my supply isn't as plentiful as it once was, but I was assured last night by my LLL leaders that my body/boobs know what they are doing!
Coming home is an interesting endevour. H can be happily playing with her daddy and as soon as I walk in the door, she starts crying and whining until we nurse. The nursing session is a long one and she has a rather long period of cranky/clingyness before she starts playing again. I hate this. I wish she didn't have to make up for lost time. However, we are very fortunate to have an amazing sitter who loves H and H loves going to see her.
Food and cooking and cleaning have been a battle. I hate cooking. I wasn't a very good stay at home wife for the year I was off and didn't prepare meals on a regular basis. Now, it is a struggle. I try to ensure there is meat out each night so that we can do something for dinner. However we are still eating take-out on a regular basis. I wish we were more organized...but that just isn't the case. Many nights it isn't the cooking that is so daunting...but the cleanup.
H has been falling asleep on her own when daddy puts her to sleep. She still isn't sleeping through the entire night, but it has given me a new perspective. It is amazing to have a few hours to myself at night and be able to spend time with hubby. Unfortunately my insomnia has been HORRIFIC. Since returning to work I have had so little sleep and I think its because of the stress of work keeping me awake at night cause many times it isn't the baby.
Overall, we are coping. I wish I had heard more stories from people who returned to work when there babies were a bit older and how they coped. I miss being off SO MUCH. Hubby and I are officially in TTC land once again. I'm trying not to be obsessive - but its hard to not go down that road. Since I'm up for a lot of the night, I'm finding it hard to temp - but I hope to try again next month. Ideally we'd like to be pregnant in May/June. But we are trying now cause it took us awhile the last time around so we figure we wont waste any time! LOL
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Back in the game
2 days ago AF came back. Last time she came to visit, was January 2012. 2 years without worrying about my cycles. 2 years of forgetting I was an infertile and all the emotional baggage that came along with that. A few weeks ago I noticed a change in my CM and hubby and I DTD a number of times (we haven't used protection since having DD). Over the holidays my nipples were so sore whenever DD nursed, I was exhausted and cranky. I thought for sure I was pregnant. So...there I was taking a HPT and thinking maybe, just maybe we wouldn't have to worry about fertility problems. Atlas, AF came. I am happy with her arrival as I was starting to wonder if I would be one of those women that would never get her cycle while nursing. Now that she is here (with a vengeance I may add) I know my body is ready to conceive. I am not ready to be pregnant yet. I really don't want another late fall baby. Nov/Dec is the worst time of year for me with my seasonal depression. Having a baby during that time was rough. Going back to work during that time was rough. I would really love to have an early spring baby. .. or even late Feb. Ideally we would love to get pregnant again in June. However...we all know how much those plans pan out...so each month will be an opportunity to try. I am meeting with a fertility counselor next week who can help teach me how to chart my cycles while nursing (as it is a bit different given I'm up so many times a night). Hopefully with her help, I'll be able to relax and learn my body and learn when I ovulate and when a good time to conceive.
Its funny - reading blogs lately. Many fellow momma's who had dragon babies are back in the game too (or planning on being back in it) I guess that's what happens when your baby is a year. You think about when number 2 will come. Although I am so blessed to have H, I really feel my family is not yet complete. I really want another baby on so many levels. I pray that the second time will be MUCH easier and less stressful than the first.
On another note - in order to conceive...hubby and I need to be able to DTD on a regular basis. Last Friday I went out for dinner with a friend and told him he HAD to put DD to bed. Up until last Fri, I had gone to bed with her every night of her life for 14 months. I nursed her to sleep and nursed her back down every time she woke (which ranged from 5-20 times a night). Well he was able to put her to sleep with minimal fussing. It worked so well he did it again .. and again..and again. It is now his job to put her to sleep as he is able to read her a story, lay her on the bed say goodnight shut the light off and leave and she falls asleep on her own. It is a miracle. This would NOT happen with me at all! She still wakes... A LOT. But he is able to put her back to sleep quite easily. At 2am I usually take over so that he can get some uninterrupted sleep before work. We are hoping that by him doing many of the early night wake-ups (he just goes to her, lays her back down and comforts her by laying next to her) she will wake less. So far, we are making progress! We are still bed sharing...and we hope in the next few months to have her transfer from the king bed in our room, to the single bed attached to the king (yes we have wall-to-wall bed). That way hubby and I can share the king and she can have her own space. Neither one of us really care if she is in our room or not. We love having a family bed. Its amazing this transformation has occurred the week I get my cycle back as it proves that we are ready to start thinking about bringing another person into our family. He putting her to sleep has changed my life and has changed our marriage. I will never regret the time I spent with my daughter nursing her and making sure felt secure enough to sleep. But I am glad she is giving us freedom in the evenings without her needing us.
I hope that this space remains a space I can share my thoughts and feelings...but I don't want it to become a negative space for me to obsess about every little thing. I am trying to still enjoy every moment with my daughter and count my blessings for having her in my life. I don't want to dismiss everything she is going through and learning just cause I am obsessing over becoming pregnant again. Toddlers are hard (or so I am told). Hubby and I have vowed to continue on with our AP style parenting and treat her with dignity and respect - even when she is screaming on the floor in a full-blown tantrum. She needs us to help her understand her feelings and understand boundaries. We can't be too preoccupied with fertility or lack there of.
Its funny - reading blogs lately. Many fellow momma's who had dragon babies are back in the game too (or planning on being back in it) I guess that's what happens when your baby is a year. You think about when number 2 will come. Although I am so blessed to have H, I really feel my family is not yet complete. I really want another baby on so many levels. I pray that the second time will be MUCH easier and less stressful than the first.
On another note - in order to conceive...hubby and I need to be able to DTD on a regular basis. Last Friday I went out for dinner with a friend and told him he HAD to put DD to bed. Up until last Fri, I had gone to bed with her every night of her life for 14 months. I nursed her to sleep and nursed her back down every time she woke (which ranged from 5-20 times a night). Well he was able to put her to sleep with minimal fussing. It worked so well he did it again .. and again..and again. It is now his job to put her to sleep as he is able to read her a story, lay her on the bed say goodnight shut the light off and leave and she falls asleep on her own. It is a miracle. This would NOT happen with me at all! She still wakes... A LOT. But he is able to put her back to sleep quite easily. At 2am I usually take over so that he can get some uninterrupted sleep before work. We are hoping that by him doing many of the early night wake-ups (he just goes to her, lays her back down and comforts her by laying next to her) she will wake less. So far, we are making progress! We are still bed sharing...and we hope in the next few months to have her transfer from the king bed in our room, to the single bed attached to the king (yes we have wall-to-wall bed). That way hubby and I can share the king and she can have her own space. Neither one of us really care if she is in our room or not. We love having a family bed. Its amazing this transformation has occurred the week I get my cycle back as it proves that we are ready to start thinking about bringing another person into our family. He putting her to sleep has changed my life and has changed our marriage. I will never regret the time I spent with my daughter nursing her and making sure felt secure enough to sleep. But I am glad she is giving us freedom in the evenings without her needing us.
I hope that this space remains a space I can share my thoughts and feelings...but I don't want it to become a negative space for me to obsess about every little thing. I am trying to still enjoy every moment with my daughter and count my blessings for having her in my life. I don't want to dismiss everything she is going through and learning just cause I am obsessing over becoming pregnant again. Toddlers are hard (or so I am told). Hubby and I have vowed to continue on with our AP style parenting and treat her with dignity and respect - even when she is screaming on the floor in a full-blown tantrum. She needs us to help her understand her feelings and understand boundaries. We can't be too preoccupied with fertility or lack there of.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Another Season...another post
Wow. I guess I am one of them. One of those people who finally has a baby and then drops off the blogging earth. I am ashamed. However, life has been busy!
My baby girl is now 13 months old. Over a year has gone by and I can honestly say I am still falling in love with this wonderful miracle. She is my everything. She is walking and using sign language to communicate. Life is simply amazing.
Working and being a momma has been tough. 2 weeks ago H and I came down with the stomach flu that kept us both up all night puking. She then became dehydrated and needed to go to the hospital for rehydrating. Then she had a double ear infection. This all occurred while I was working and still feeling crummy myself. We have an AMAZING sitter and we were blessed we could still send H when she wasn't feeling herself. Working and having a sick baby is the hardest thing in the world. I am not sure how mommas find the balance...but I will try. I need to put my family first and not worry so much about my students or what my administration will say. This is a new year's resolution of mine.
We are still very much AP parents. Still bed-sharing, nursing on demand and loving every minute of it. I would LOVE to get more sleep at night...however I know that she wont be this needy for ever and I will one day miss on the night cuddles. She will tell me when she is ready to move on. We saw some pretty amazing progress, and then she got sick and has regressed. However now that she is eating more again, I am hopeful that her sleeping will turn around.
I have so many posts I want to write about. I also resolve to spend more time doing things I enjoy - such as writing - in the New Year.
Wishing everyone who still cares enough to read this post, a wonderful holiday! Here's a recent pic of my peanut! Love her so much!
My baby girl is now 13 months old. Over a year has gone by and I can honestly say I am still falling in love with this wonderful miracle. She is my everything. She is walking and using sign language to communicate. Life is simply amazing.
Working and being a momma has been tough. 2 weeks ago H and I came down with the stomach flu that kept us both up all night puking. She then became dehydrated and needed to go to the hospital for rehydrating. Then she had a double ear infection. This all occurred while I was working and still feeling crummy myself. We have an AMAZING sitter and we were blessed we could still send H when she wasn't feeling herself. Working and having a sick baby is the hardest thing in the world. I am not sure how mommas find the balance...but I will try. I need to put my family first and not worry so much about my students or what my administration will say. This is a new year's resolution of mine.
We are still very much AP parents. Still bed-sharing, nursing on demand and loving every minute of it. I would LOVE to get more sleep at night...however I know that she wont be this needy for ever and I will one day miss on the night cuddles. She will tell me when she is ready to move on. We saw some pretty amazing progress, and then she got sick and has regressed. However now that she is eating more again, I am hopeful that her sleeping will turn around.
I have so many posts I want to write about. I also resolve to spend more time doing things I enjoy - such as writing - in the New Year.
Wishing everyone who still cares enough to read this post, a wonderful holiday! Here's a recent pic of my peanut! Love her so much!
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