My cycles have been always regular. I would start spotting between days 21 and 24 and get my period a couple days later. I would always get my period before or on day 28. Ever since the investigation cycle, they have been wonky. During the investigation, I didn't ovulate until day 16 and then my period came on day 29 (spotting from day 26). Last cycle, I'm sure I ovulated almost a week late. My period should have come on Friday, but it isn't in sight at all. No spotting - nothing. Now, normally I would be jumping the gun and thinking it is because I'm pregnant, but since I know I ovulated late, my rational brain just keeps saying that my period will come late. But why - why is my body giving clues that it is failing me, now that I have the answers when for the 2 years I was trying, I never once got any signs (except for some spotting) that things were wrong?
My boobs have been hurting me like crazy the last couple of days. Once again, I can jump the gun and think it is an early sign of pregnancy, but my rational brain is telling me how unlikely it is. Sore boobs, although I know I have had them with some cycles, haven't been something I have ever really experienced a lot - or at least for so long. So why then, now, with this cycle, is my body doing these crazy things? Why do I have to go for days and days of wondering and questioning everything - only I'm sure to see AF by the end of next week?
I am really, really trying to just allow fate to take its course and try not to stress about the diagnosis or what will happen. I'm trying to just live my life and find enjoyment in day to day living. So why, why when I am trying so very hard to turn this corner, is my body making it so very difficult to not think about pregnancy and fertility? Every move I make it literally is in my face (or the pain in my chest). I can't help but think about what is or is not happening.
Ugh - I can't win for loosing it feels.
**before everyone gets too excited - I did wake up this morning and POAS. BIG.FAT.NEGATIVE - so I do KNOW I'm not pregnant**
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Reality
I attended the shower on Thursday for my co-worker (the one who has the same due date as my first loss). Leading up to the day, I was doing really well. I got 'into' planning it and was able to help co-ordinate some of the things that needed to be done. I felt good. However, AF seemed to be miles away. Although it would have been almost impossible for us to conceive last month, and we both agreed that we really need to start the testing, there was a part of me - a large part - that was still hoping it would happen.
So with the 'dream' of pregnancy, and no sign of AF, this shower was an okay thing. Then on Thursday, the spotting started and I knew the witch was coming to visit. The shower felt like I was in some sort of purgatory. I was sitting there, hearing everyone around be joyous and happy, trying to come to terms with the fact that once again forced to deal with the disappointment, the heartache and the pain that comes along each month with getting my period. I had to come to terms with the reality that we are doing this all over again and need to find the strength it takes to go through months of trying, waiting, hoping for it all to be crushed on or before the 28th day. However, this is my reality. I can't to anything about it and the longer I struggle to come to terms with it, the more pain I bring on myself.
On the plus side, I start my testing on Sunday. The schedule will go something like this:
It's funny. I was so prepared, excited and wanting to just forget about TTC and fertility for awhile so that we could heal from these past losses. Then the 2ww happened and I became a different person. Just the thought of maybe, possible (although highly unlikely) I'd be pregnant, made me start hoping and dreaming again. I honestly think the 2ww makes me insane. It turns me into a different person. Isn't the definition of insanity when you do the same thing over and over expecting different results?
So with the 'dream' of pregnancy, and no sign of AF, this shower was an okay thing. Then on Thursday, the spotting started and I knew the witch was coming to visit. The shower felt like I was in some sort of purgatory. I was sitting there, hearing everyone around be joyous and happy, trying to come to terms with the fact that once again forced to deal with the disappointment, the heartache and the pain that comes along each month with getting my period. I had to come to terms with the reality that we are doing this all over again and need to find the strength it takes to go through months of trying, waiting, hoping for it all to be crushed on or before the 28th day. However, this is my reality. I can't to anything about it and the longer I struggle to come to terms with it, the more pain I bring on myself.
On the plus side, I start my testing on Sunday. The schedule will go something like this:
- Day 3 - ultrasound and blood work
- Day 9 through ovulation - ultrasound and blood work (my veins are hard to find, I'm gonna look like a heroine addict after this)
- After ovulation - sonohystogram (saline flush to ensure fallopian tubes are open)
- Last half of cycle - 3D ultrasound and endimetiral biopsy
- mandatory fertility counseling (1 session)
- 2 sperm samples from hubby (done)
It's funny. I was so prepared, excited and wanting to just forget about TTC and fertility for awhile so that we could heal from these past losses. Then the 2ww happened and I became a different person. Just the thought of maybe, possible (although highly unlikely) I'd be pregnant, made me start hoping and dreaming again. I honestly think the 2ww makes me insane. It turns me into a different person. Isn't the definition of insanity when you do the same thing over and over expecting different results?
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