162 Beats per minute!!
Our Dragon baby is ALIVE!! Dating at 9 weeks exactly (2 days ahead of schedule but given how early we were able to test I figured I was a bit earlier).
Yolk sac measuring normal.
Everything looks good! Super happy!
My fertility Dr is following me right up until my OB will take over. This is such a huge relief as with my first m/c I had so many dr's involved and I had to fight to get an OB to take care of things. I love how when I go for an ultrasound - I walk upstairs and see the dr and get all the information. So if anything is wrong, she will deal with it right then and there. I wanted a midwife - but given my experience with them the last time, I'm okay with having an ob. I'm thinking, if finances allow, of going with a doula to help with the birthing process. But we'll figure that out later.
Next step is 11 week physical. Then I'll have a 12 week ultrasound there.
Lovin things right now. Although my first pregnancy ended at 9.5 weeks - I know I'm not totally out of the woods yet...but I have a good feeling about things. Praying all continues to go well. They didn't have the ultrasound sound on...so I'm a bit bummed I couldn't hear the heart beat - but it is still possibly be too early so I'm okay with it at the end.
Praying all continues to go well. Thanks for everyone's well wishes! Continue to keep us in your thoughts!
Showing posts with label pregnancy #3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy #3. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
I can't do this anymore
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Today has been an incredibly rough day. All my positivism and hopeful thinking has gone out the window. Today, not only have my symptoms been essentially non-existent, I have allowed my head space to go where it hasn't gone yet this pregnancy - to doom and despair. In a semi-conscious sleep this morning, the words "You're having a miscarriage again" entered my head and haven't left. All day, they have rolled off my tongue easier and more willingly than "you will take home this baby". Talking about this pregnancy to hubby, as if it will actually happen just seems fake to me. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this funk. I keep rolling over the mantra "today you are pregnant and have no real reasons to believe it isn't the case" but it doesn't seem to help. He just says that I will create a self-fulfilled prophecy again if I keep up this thinking. It was just a week ago where I was convinced that this is my time to bring home a baby and everything will work out. Now, I'm convinced the other will happen. How does this happen and why do I allow myself to get into this funk? They 'say' mother's intuition is usually right - now I'm paranoid.
I just really want this to work out so badly! I am so sad. I have no reasons to believe it wont, but also don't have any reasons right now to know it will. I have no follow-up beta's or ultrasound until the 27th. All I can do is hope things are different this time around, or hope that my body does what it should do and give me a sign that things aren't okay.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me!
Today has been an incredibly rough day. All my positivism and hopeful thinking has gone out the window. Today, not only have my symptoms been essentially non-existent, I have allowed my head space to go where it hasn't gone yet this pregnancy - to doom and despair. In a semi-conscious sleep this morning, the words "You're having a miscarriage again" entered my head and haven't left. All day, they have rolled off my tongue easier and more willingly than "you will take home this baby". Talking about this pregnancy to hubby, as if it will actually happen just seems fake to me. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this funk. I keep rolling over the mantra "today you are pregnant and have no real reasons to believe it isn't the case" but it doesn't seem to help. He just says that I will create a self-fulfilled prophecy again if I keep up this thinking. It was just a week ago where I was convinced that this is my time to bring home a baby and everything will work out. Now, I'm convinced the other will happen. How does this happen and why do I allow myself to get into this funk? They 'say' mother's intuition is usually right - now I'm paranoid.
I just really want this to work out so badly! I am so sad. I have no reasons to believe it wont, but also don't have any reasons right now to know it will. I have no follow-up beta's or ultrasound until the 27th. All I can do is hope things are different this time around, or hope that my body does what it should do and give me a sign that things aren't okay.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
5 weeks today
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Today marks week 5. It seems as though I have known about this pregnancy forever. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks. Hard to believe (according to my LNP) that I am only 5 weeks. 3.5 more weeks until my 1st ultrasound. I will make it to then.
Thanks for all the love re: my obsession/fear over symptom analyzing. I'm still obsessing every moment. Yesterday I was more nauseous than I have been yet, and had tender boobs all day but the fatigue had lifted. Today, I am tired, no boob tenderness and the nausea is pretty much gone. Very different symptoms from day-to-day. I don't think there is much I can make from these sorts of things. I also have to keep telling myself that it is still SO early and that pregnancy symptoms probably haven't really hit yet because typically they don't start until 6 weeks.
Man this will be a long road! I just have to keep positive that 'today, I am pregnant'.
Today marks week 5. It seems as though I have known about this pregnancy forever. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks. Hard to believe (according to my LNP) that I am only 5 weeks. 3.5 more weeks until my 1st ultrasound. I will make it to then.
Thanks for all the love re: my obsession/fear over symptom analyzing. I'm still obsessing every moment. Yesterday I was more nauseous than I have been yet, and had tender boobs all day but the fatigue had lifted. Today, I am tired, no boob tenderness and the nausea is pretty much gone. Very different symptoms from day-to-day. I don't think there is much I can make from these sorts of things. I also have to keep telling myself that it is still SO early and that pregnancy symptoms probably haven't really hit yet because typically they don't start until 6 weeks.
Man this will be a long road! I just have to keep positive that 'today, I am pregnant'.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Well that was short lived...
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Today my hopefulness is gone. My optimism and hope for rejoicing in this pregnancy has been replaced by fear and anxiety.
I have discovered that my mood is directly related to my boobs. I know I have mentioned before about breast tenderness (or lack there of), so I apologize for belaboring this issue further. However, given I know that my breast tenderness disappeared about a week before my last miscarriage, I am very in-tune with how tender (or lack of tenderness) my boobs are. If I have tender boobs all day, then I am hopeful, happy and assured that everything will work out fine. If I haven't had any pain, then I feel defeated and think that everything is falling apart. Today, boobs weren't sore; therefore I am sad and feel hopeless. I really want to be happy ALL the time and not be so worried about every little thing. I KNOW each pregnancy is different and one thing does not equal doom, so why do I make myself go into a tizzy? I also know, that when I relax and not think about symptoms, my symptoms appear- almost right on cue. But if I obsess about them 100% of the time, they aren't there. So why then, can't I just relax?
I saw my therapist today and was telling her about how I am feeling. Clearly she doesn't have training in pregnancy after loss as she really didn't have anything grandois to say except to just relax and stay positive. Easier said than done.
I also think that my exhaustion is getting to me. I'm so tired, all the time that I feel depressed. Is this even possible?
Ugh - maybe tomorrow the hopeful, overly optimistic girl will be back. Can I just go to sleep and wake up at 12 weeks? Or better yet, 24?
Today my hopefulness is gone. My optimism and hope for rejoicing in this pregnancy has been replaced by fear and anxiety.
I have discovered that my mood is directly related to my boobs. I know I have mentioned before about breast tenderness (or lack there of), so I apologize for belaboring this issue further. However, given I know that my breast tenderness disappeared about a week before my last miscarriage, I am very in-tune with how tender (or lack of tenderness) my boobs are. If I have tender boobs all day, then I am hopeful, happy and assured that everything will work out fine. If I haven't had any pain, then I feel defeated and think that everything is falling apart. Today, boobs weren't sore; therefore I am sad and feel hopeless. I really want to be happy ALL the time and not be so worried about every little thing. I KNOW each pregnancy is different and one thing does not equal doom, so why do I make myself go into a tizzy? I also know, that when I relax and not think about symptoms, my symptoms appear- almost right on cue. But if I obsess about them 100% of the time, they aren't there. So why then, can't I just relax?
I saw my therapist today and was telling her about how I am feeling. Clearly she doesn't have training in pregnancy after loss as she really didn't have anything grandois to say except to just relax and stay positive. Easier said than done.
I also think that my exhaustion is getting to me. I'm so tired, all the time that I feel depressed. Is this even possible?
Ugh - maybe tomorrow the hopeful, overly optimistic girl will be back. Can I just go to sleep and wake up at 12 weeks? Or better yet, 24?
Monday, February 27, 2012
I'm going to be THAT girl...
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
I've decided today that I am ready and willing to be THAT girl. You know, the one who announces her pregnancy to the world at 5 weeks, who goes out and buys baby clothes before the first ultrasound, who talks about the baby's due date as if it will actually come. The one who doesn't stop to think for a moment that this whole world can come crashing down. The one we all want to be but know way too much to enjoy the first 12 weeks without worrying what could happen.
My last two pregnancies I never allowed myself to think that I would actually be taking home a baby. It was always 'if things work out' rather than when. After spending a glorious afternoon shopping with one of my great friends who thinks that this pregnancy is hear to stay, and telling a co-worker the news today who also said the same thing, I figure I have nothing to loose. No matter how hard I tried, I still got attached to my last two pregnancies. I never enjoyed being pregnant because I was so scared of loosing the baby. So I figure, I may as well just rejoice in this time. If my world comes crashing down, it comes crashing down. The hurt wont be any less if I am hopeful now or if I am reserved.
Now saying this, I probably wont announce my pregnancy to family until we have an ultrasound pic to show, and I certainly wont be buying any baby clothes anytime soon. But I don't really think about it when I tell my husband that such-and-such wont affect me as I'll be on mat leave then. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or next week, I'll have a change of heart and I'll be paranoid and anxious all over again. But right now, I feel either at peace with everything - or I'm just too friggen tired to worry about what could happen. Right now I am pregnant and I just have to hold onto that fact. I am kinda jealous of all these women who are having early ultrasounds. Mine wont be until the week of Mar. 26. My Dr. is on holidays so I was supposed to go the week of Mar. 19 - but that is the week hubby will be away. So I'm going to try to get in on Mar. 27. I keep telling myself that an early ultrasound isn't going to change things. It will either show us a healthy baby or it wont. I'm hoping that if I have another blighted ovum, I will start bleeding by then. Last pregnancy, with my blighted ovum, I did start to bleed on my own the day of my second ultrasound (approx 7 weeks) So if I can make it to almost 9 without bleeding, then hopefully we get a fetus growing inside!
Wish me luck on my desire to be ignorant and blissful. Its what we all want right?
Symptom report:
-tender breasts on and off throughout the day
-super sense of smell - I'm on sensory overload! It isn't making me really nauseous - just overwhelmed!
-tired - so.bloody.tired
-some feeling of blah - nausea or something usually in the morning but can come and go
I've decided today that I am ready and willing to be THAT girl. You know, the one who announces her pregnancy to the world at 5 weeks, who goes out and buys baby clothes before the first ultrasound, who talks about the baby's due date as if it will actually come. The one who doesn't stop to think for a moment that this whole world can come crashing down. The one we all want to be but know way too much to enjoy the first 12 weeks without worrying what could happen.
My last two pregnancies I never allowed myself to think that I would actually be taking home a baby. It was always 'if things work out' rather than when. After spending a glorious afternoon shopping with one of my great friends who thinks that this pregnancy is hear to stay, and telling a co-worker the news today who also said the same thing, I figure I have nothing to loose. No matter how hard I tried, I still got attached to my last two pregnancies. I never enjoyed being pregnant because I was so scared of loosing the baby. So I figure, I may as well just rejoice in this time. If my world comes crashing down, it comes crashing down. The hurt wont be any less if I am hopeful now or if I am reserved.
Now saying this, I probably wont announce my pregnancy to family until we have an ultrasound pic to show, and I certainly wont be buying any baby clothes anytime soon. But I don't really think about it when I tell my husband that such-and-such wont affect me as I'll be on mat leave then. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or next week, I'll have a change of heart and I'll be paranoid and anxious all over again. But right now, I feel either at peace with everything - or I'm just too friggen tired to worry about what could happen. Right now I am pregnant and I just have to hold onto that fact. I am kinda jealous of all these women who are having early ultrasounds. Mine wont be until the week of Mar. 26. My Dr. is on holidays so I was supposed to go the week of Mar. 19 - but that is the week hubby will be away. So I'm going to try to get in on Mar. 27. I keep telling myself that an early ultrasound isn't going to change things. It will either show us a healthy baby or it wont. I'm hoping that if I have another blighted ovum, I will start bleeding by then. Last pregnancy, with my blighted ovum, I did start to bleed on my own the day of my second ultrasound (approx 7 weeks) So if I can make it to almost 9 without bleeding, then hopefully we get a fetus growing inside!
Wish me luck on my desire to be ignorant and blissful. Its what we all want right?
Symptom report:
-tender breasts on and off throughout the day
-super sense of smell - I'm on sensory overload! It isn't making me really nauseous - just overwhelmed!
-tired - so.bloody.tired
-some feeling of blah - nausea or something usually in the morning but can come and go
Friday, February 24, 2012
I LOVE my natropath!
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
So I want to apologize for how boring my blog is probably going to become - especially those struggling through IF. I'm taking the cornfed feminist pledge and not apologizing for talking about my pregnancy - just apologizing for the lack of depth that it will probably entail the next 8 weeks as I get through this first trimester.
So, my natropath is amazing. She has done a lot of work dealing with infertility and is just an awesome person to be around. She is super supportive and has an incredible calming effect on me. Even though my insurance has minimal coverage, I told Hubby that I'm going to go and see her every week of my pregnancy for however long I need her for...regardless of when we run out of coverage. It feels like I'm actually 'doing' something to help get me through this pregnancy and have my take-home baby. Acupuncture helps with relaxation anyways :) I'm really so grateful to have found her. After talking with her for over an hour (unless she has someone else waiting, she doesn't kick you out), I feel much better about my pregnancy right now. She totally empathized with how I am feeling and understands why I would be a crazy lady about my symptoms.
Today's symptoms: fatigue is back. So much so that I took the afternoon off work. There was a no bus day today and I was so tired I just couldn't do any work. I figured since there were no kids, going to see my natropath early and then getting home for a nap will do me some good. Boobs have been somewhat sore today ... I think my constant checking is numbing them to the pain they feel. If I leave them alone for awhile, the tenderness comes back. If I check every 10 seconds, they don't seem to hurt. Go figure. I also have heartburn. This scares me some as I did have it the week leading up to the ultrasound that confirmed a blighted ovum last pregnancy (I didn't have it going into the first ultrasound), however I know it is a perfectly normal sign of pregnancy. Also - vivid dreams happening every night. I've yet to have a dream about loosing the baby or bleeding - which I had with the last 2...but with my first miscarriage that dream didn't come until later. Right now though these silly dreams are making me have a restless night sleep and waking me up far too early!
Today I am more hopeful. I am going to (not saying I have) resolve myself to the fact that symptoms may wax and wane and that I have to be okay with this.
Thanks for all your support!
So I want to apologize for how boring my blog is probably going to become - especially those struggling through IF. I'm taking the cornfed feminist pledge and not apologizing for talking about my pregnancy - just apologizing for the lack of depth that it will probably entail the next 8 weeks as I get through this first trimester.
So, my natropath is amazing. She has done a lot of work dealing with infertility and is just an awesome person to be around. She is super supportive and has an incredible calming effect on me. Even though my insurance has minimal coverage, I told Hubby that I'm going to go and see her every week of my pregnancy for however long I need her for...regardless of when we run out of coverage. It feels like I'm actually 'doing' something to help get me through this pregnancy and have my take-home baby. Acupuncture helps with relaxation anyways :) I'm really so grateful to have found her. After talking with her for over an hour (unless she has someone else waiting, she doesn't kick you out), I feel much better about my pregnancy right now. She totally empathized with how I am feeling and understands why I would be a crazy lady about my symptoms.
Today's symptoms: fatigue is back. So much so that I took the afternoon off work. There was a no bus day today and I was so tired I just couldn't do any work. I figured since there were no kids, going to see my natropath early and then getting home for a nap will do me some good. Boobs have been somewhat sore today ... I think my constant checking is numbing them to the pain they feel. If I leave them alone for awhile, the tenderness comes back. If I check every 10 seconds, they don't seem to hurt. Go figure. I also have heartburn. This scares me some as I did have it the week leading up to the ultrasound that confirmed a blighted ovum last pregnancy (I didn't have it going into the first ultrasound), however I know it is a perfectly normal sign of pregnancy. Also - vivid dreams happening every night. I've yet to have a dream about loosing the baby or bleeding - which I had with the last 2...but with my first miscarriage that dream didn't come until later. Right now though these silly dreams are making me have a restless night sleep and waking me up far too early!
Today I am more hopeful. I am going to (not saying I have) resolve myself to the fact that symptoms may wax and wane and that I have to be okay with this.
Thanks for all your support!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Over analyzing everything
So - I felt better today. No nausea, pretty alert, no fatigue. My breast tenderness seemed to decrease from its arrival yesterday. Overall, I felt great.
Which means I'm over analyzing everything. I've pretty much convinced myself this pregnancy isn't going to last - even though when I woke up this morning I POAS and the test line was darker then the control line.
Hubby doesn't want to hear me complain about my lack of symptoms. He said that he cannot do this again.
I was SO positive. So hopeful. So strong - sure that things were going to work out this time.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Why can't I just be and not worry about everything?
UGH!
Which means I'm over analyzing everything. I've pretty much convinced myself this pregnancy isn't going to last - even though when I woke up this morning I POAS and the test line was darker then the control line.
Hubby doesn't want to hear me complain about my lack of symptoms. He said that he cannot do this again.
I was SO positive. So hopeful. So strong - sure that things were going to work out this time.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Why can't I just be and not worry about everything?
UGH!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The thing about symptoms ...
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
I get pregnancy symptoms. Extreme exhaustion, tender breasts, slight nausea (nothing sever by any stretch).
I have had them with all three pregnancies. I don't mind the symptoms. I don't mind them one bit. What I am scared of is the fact that since I get symptoms - the lack of symptoms can be a sign something is or has gone wrong. I'm currently feeling exhausted and my boobs have just started to hurt. Normally one (who has struggled with IF and loss) would be celebrating these mini milestones in pregnancy. My fear is that they will disappear like they have in my previous 2 pregnancies. Although not having any symptoms would be hard as you can never know if you are pregnant, but the appearance of them, just gives me something more to think about - each day now (come on....lets be honest...each minute) I compare my symptoms from the day (re: minute) before and try to judge whether they are the same, getting worse or alleviating. How do I turn off this part of my brain and just be?
Another thing I hate doing is brushing my hair - go figure! Last time I miscarried, I had a feeling something wasn't right as the days leading up to my ultrasound, my hair started falling out. Not just one or two strands, but it would usually fill a comb whenever I would brush after a shower. Hubby thought that I was being ridiculous when I mentioned it to him....turns out I was right. Now, I try and brush my hair as gently as possible and count how many strands fall out in hopes that it isn't too many. How messed up is this?
Any advice from those who have / are pregnant after a loss on how to survive the first trimester? I didn't want an early ultrasound - but now I'm wishing the option was available to me. Ugh. Some days thoughts come in my head about plans I have in March around the time I will be getting my ultrasound and I think that I can't go through with those plans just in case something is wrong.
I just want to get off this roller-coaster and look into a magic crystal ball that will tell me everything will be okay!
I get pregnancy symptoms. Extreme exhaustion, tender breasts, slight nausea (nothing sever by any stretch).
I have had them with all three pregnancies. I don't mind the symptoms. I don't mind them one bit. What I am scared of is the fact that since I get symptoms - the lack of symptoms can be a sign something is or has gone wrong. I'm currently feeling exhausted and my boobs have just started to hurt. Normally one (who has struggled with IF and loss) would be celebrating these mini milestones in pregnancy. My fear is that they will disappear like they have in my previous 2 pregnancies. Although not having any symptoms would be hard as you can never know if you are pregnant, but the appearance of them, just gives me something more to think about - each day now (come on....lets be honest...each minute) I compare my symptoms from the day (re: minute) before and try to judge whether they are the same, getting worse or alleviating. How do I turn off this part of my brain and just be?
Another thing I hate doing is brushing my hair - go figure! Last time I miscarried, I had a feeling something wasn't right as the days leading up to my ultrasound, my hair started falling out. Not just one or two strands, but it would usually fill a comb whenever I would brush after a shower. Hubby thought that I was being ridiculous when I mentioned it to him....turns out I was right. Now, I try and brush my hair as gently as possible and count how many strands fall out in hopes that it isn't too many. How messed up is this?
Any advice from those who have / are pregnant after a loss on how to survive the first trimester? I didn't want an early ultrasound - but now I'm wishing the option was available to me. Ugh. Some days thoughts come in my head about plans I have in March around the time I will be getting my ultrasound and I think that I can't go through with those plans just in case something is wrong.
I just want to get off this roller-coaster and look into a magic crystal ball that will tell me everything will be okay!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Good news and Breaking heart
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
The blogging world is giving Mo all her love - my hear breaks for her as she has to undergo the worst nightmare that any pregnant mommy wants to endure. I too am sending her my love, thoughts and prayers.
It is hard to celebrate my happiness and success when another heart breaks, but I must. In my previous pregnancies I didn't allow myself to be happy. I need to celebrate my beta numbers. I think you can be sad for someone else while celebrate your own happiness.
Today is CD 27 (not sure how many DPO as I didn't think I ovulated!)
Numbers are 279 - up from 71.6 on Sunday!
I have to wait until the week of March 19 to get my first viability ultrasound as my dr is going on holidays. I'm okay with this as I wanted to wait until there was actually something to see - rather than go and potentially repeat the nightmare I had before.
Thank you for all your words of kindness. Please continue to keep my dragon baby in your thoughts - if there is enough room for us!
The blogging world is giving Mo all her love - my hear breaks for her as she has to undergo the worst nightmare that any pregnant mommy wants to endure. I too am sending her my love, thoughts and prayers.
It is hard to celebrate my happiness and success when another heart breaks, but I must. In my previous pregnancies I didn't allow myself to be happy. I need to celebrate my beta numbers. I think you can be sad for someone else while celebrate your own happiness.
Today is CD 27 (not sure how many DPO as I didn't think I ovulated!)
Numbers are 279 - up from 71.6 on Sunday!
I have to wait until the week of March 19 to get my first viability ultrasound as my dr is going on holidays. I'm okay with this as I wanted to wait until there was actually something to see - rather than go and potentially repeat the nightmare I had before.
Thank you for all your words of kindness. Please continue to keep my dragon baby in your thoughts - if there is enough room for us!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Oh my!
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
IF is a club I never wanted to join. As you have followed in my last few posts, I have really been soul searching and wondering if in my situation, did I bring about pain and suffering on myself. This month, I feel I really came to peace with everything. Since many of you are still struggling, I have wondered if I should post this information or not. However, once again I need to be true to myself. This is a space for ME to write about what I need to write about and gain support from those who can relate in any way-shape-or form.
Now with all the disclosures out of the way....
Last week, I felt exhausted all week. I thought it was because I didn't have a day to rest the weekend before. By Tues. I was beyond exhausted. I felt ill. So I took Wed off to recoup. Well, since Hubby is off right now too, Wed was a wired day of constant bickering. I felt he was doing everything in his power to piss me off. Hubby was getting quite annoyed at my antics and said that I needed to POAS as he figured I could only be this bitchy if I were pregnant. I tolled him that comments like those are unfair. My period wasn't due to start for another week!
Friday I woke up and had a weird feeling in the back of my throat. I figured since we had 2 parties to attend on the weekend that I should POAS just to ease my mind. I took the test and jumped in the shower fully expecting for it to be negative when I came out. I knew I was testing early - but didn't really know how early. To my ultimate surprise - it was positive! I was in shock! It was really, really light so I thought maybe it was a testing error. I pondered to go to my RE office and get blood taken, or wait till Sat to take another test. I figured to end the questioning and go get my Beta's checked. Sure enough, the blood work confirmed my pregnancy!
After work, I went to see my natropath. She knew where I was in my cycle based on our appointments we had that month. I was CD 23!! I couldn't believe it. On Sunday I went in for another beta test. The nurse gave me my numbers from Friday - 14.7. She said it was really low. That this either was caught early, or it will be a non-viable pregnancy. Geez...thanks for that! A couple hours later I got the call - my Beta numbers more than QUADRUPLED!! They were 71.6 - on CD 25!! The nurse - who normally is very factual and not empathetic (who told me a couple hours earlier that this may not be a viable pregnancy) was very excited! In all my pregnancies I haven't heard this type of excitement from her at all!
To put things into perspective - with my last pregnancy, I went in for blood on CD 30 or 31 and my first Beta was only 29. So to be in the 70's on CD 25 is making me very excited!
I have hope. I have excitement. And each morning when I POAS - the lines are getting darker! My natropath said that 2012 is the year of the Dragon. Dragon's are supposed to be the strongest and luckiest in all the Chinese signs. I can only hope that these high numbers mean my dragon baby is growing strong and going to be my take home baby this fall.
I go again for another Beta test tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed for another gigantic leap! I'm aiming for 300 (not that I have any say in things at all!)
IF is a club I never wanted to join. As you have followed in my last few posts, I have really been soul searching and wondering if in my situation, did I bring about pain and suffering on myself. This month, I feel I really came to peace with everything. Since many of you are still struggling, I have wondered if I should post this information or not. However, once again I need to be true to myself. This is a space for ME to write about what I need to write about and gain support from those who can relate in any way-shape-or form.
Now with all the disclosures out of the way....
Last week, I felt exhausted all week. I thought it was because I didn't have a day to rest the weekend before. By Tues. I was beyond exhausted. I felt ill. So I took Wed off to recoup. Well, since Hubby is off right now too, Wed was a wired day of constant bickering. I felt he was doing everything in his power to piss me off. Hubby was getting quite annoyed at my antics and said that I needed to POAS as he figured I could only be this bitchy if I were pregnant. I tolled him that comments like those are unfair. My period wasn't due to start for another week!
Friday I woke up and had a weird feeling in the back of my throat. I figured since we had 2 parties to attend on the weekend that I should POAS just to ease my mind. I took the test and jumped in the shower fully expecting for it to be negative when I came out. I knew I was testing early - but didn't really know how early. To my ultimate surprise - it was positive! I was in shock! It was really, really light so I thought maybe it was a testing error. I pondered to go to my RE office and get blood taken, or wait till Sat to take another test. I figured to end the questioning and go get my Beta's checked. Sure enough, the blood work confirmed my pregnancy!
After work, I went to see my natropath. She knew where I was in my cycle based on our appointments we had that month. I was CD 23!! I couldn't believe it. On Sunday I went in for another beta test. The nurse gave me my numbers from Friday - 14.7. She said it was really low. That this either was caught early, or it will be a non-viable pregnancy. Geez...thanks for that! A couple hours later I got the call - my Beta numbers more than QUADRUPLED!! They were 71.6 - on CD 25!! The nurse - who normally is very factual and not empathetic (who told me a couple hours earlier that this may not be a viable pregnancy) was very excited! In all my pregnancies I haven't heard this type of excitement from her at all!
To put things into perspective - with my last pregnancy, I went in for blood on CD 30 or 31 and my first Beta was only 29. So to be in the 70's on CD 25 is making me very excited!
I have hope. I have excitement. And each morning when I POAS - the lines are getting darker! My natropath said that 2012 is the year of the Dragon. Dragon's are supposed to be the strongest and luckiest in all the Chinese signs. I can only hope that these high numbers mean my dragon baby is growing strong and going to be my take home baby this fall.
I go again for another Beta test tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed for another gigantic leap! I'm aiming for 300 (not that I have any say in things at all!)
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