June is a very emotional month for me. It is funny that this month's PAIL theme is about reminiscing and looking back, as just last week I was telling a co-worker how much your life can change in just a year's time. 3 years ago in June, we were avidly trying for a baby. I remember we went camping with friends, I took an OPT and told hubby we had to DTD cause I thought I was ovulating. It was a time of excitement and naiveity. We had no idea what was in store for us. We just wanted a baby. A year later, with lots of BFN in between, we went for what we thought was our 12 week ultrasound to only find out our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I will never forget that day (and the days following) for as long as I live. Even as I sit here typing, my heart aches from the hurt that I felt. Last June, (on the EXACT same day) I went for my 20 week ultrasound and found out that our Dragon baby was healthy and alive and moving like a champ.
This June, I am able to play with my amazing daughter and watch her grow and explore her surroundings. This June, I am no longer hoping and praying for a baby, but am educating myself and reading blogs and articles on what being a gentle parent entails. I am trying to find my momma bear instincts and follow them as I listen to my baby to determine what she needs.
IF and Pregnancy loss stole something from me. Not only did I loose my innocence around the 'beauty' of getting and staying pregnant, but I lost valuable time. Instead of fixating over my cycle, and worrying about every little symptom, I could have been reading about different parenting styles and discussing valuable parenting choices with my husband so we could have been better prepared. Once my daughter was here, we were lost. we had no idea what raising a baby was all about. All I wanted was to be a mom - and then once I acquired that title, I didn't know how to fulfill the role.
Looking back, I now know that I am the mother I am because of my history. IF and Loss made me guarded and scared. It made me want to hold my daughter closer and keep her safe. Perhaps its because of my IF history that my husband and I are such advocates for gentle parenting techniques. Maybe in the end, it's not all bad?