Friday, May 30, 2014

4 Pregnancies 1 Baby

My track record for getting pregnant and maintaining a pregnancy isn't too good. 

I am currently awaiting my 3rd loss.

Last week, I was starting to feel odd.  Extrememly tired.  Ravenously hungry and nauseous if I didn't eat.  Then my nipples started to scream in pain every time Hannah latched.  I wasn't due for my period until today, but I couldn't resist.  Last Sunday at 5 pm I took a test. It was positive.  It wasn't even a faint line.  It was very clearly a positive test.  I was shocked and happy.  At around 9 pm, I went to the washroom and there was some spotting.  Hubby and I talked and I applied some wild yam cream on to help with progesterone support and decided since I wasn't being seen by the fertility clininc, that it would be too difficult to get progesterone cream.  I also decided I didn't want all that added stress.  I would let things happen the way they were going to happen.

Monday afternoon I took another test - positive.

Tues morning took another test - Very dark positive.  The symptoms were pretty strong.  I even posted a message on one of my mommy groups asking for advice on how to survive morning sickness when I can't snack on crackers as I need to take my thyroid meds.  Of course, by publicly annoucment my pregnancy and symptoms, I jynxed everything.  By Wed evening, my symptoms started to disappear one by one.  First the boobs, then the nausea, then the exhaustion.  By Thursday evening I had a sneaking suspicion what was happening.    With the sudden drop of all symptoms, I felt a miscarriage was immenent.

Friday morning another test - faint line.  Lighter than the Monday afternoon test. 

I am having some mild cramps on my left side (the same as I had with H) but I'm a bit scared about an ectopic pregnancy. However, it has to be too early. This has to be a checmical pregnancy no?

I am so sad.  I figured I had an ureaplasma and under-active thyroid with the first 2 losses.  I have also had a healthy pregnancy.  I figure my body should know what to do. 

But ... I sit here now.  Waiting .... hoping... my body knows what the fuck it needs to do to expel a pregnancy. Cause god knows it does a piss poor job of maintaining one. 

Feel very sad....but so grateful I have Hannah to squeeze.  It hurts. I'm mad.  I'm sad.  I wonder 'why me'.  Why the fuck did I even get pregnant....complete with all the classic symptoms...only to loose it.  But I do have Hannah.  I have to stay strong for her.  I have to be thankful I have her. 

Why does making a family have to be so hard....when for so many others it is so fucking easy?

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Debbie Downer

You know that feeling when a good friendship seems to be slipping away - even though it feels like nothing you have done has changed?  There is no longer conversation initiated by the friend, suggestions to get together are met with non-committal responses.  There seems to be judgement in the tone in which you are being spoken to...

That's me right now with one of my friends.  A good friend.

I know she is going through her own shit - a surprise second pregnancy while still dealing with the trauma from her first birth.  Knowing a VBAC will be a fight given the short time between the 2 births. 

I know that I have been extra 'needy' lately as I have gone through a lot of shit and a-ha moments.  I also am one who turns to girl friends to vent/get things out and process.  Hubby isn't really a talker and is to pragmatic and a realist to help me process the emotional stuff. 

So what I assume has happened is that she is needing to distance herself from me as she deals with her own shit.

It makes me sad and angry.  Sad that instead of distancnig herself, she doesn't turn to me for support.  I have always offered.  Sad that she likely feels she can't turn to me.

Angry cause I have done this to a good friendship.  I have put my crap all on her....part of it was in hopes of maintaining the connection.  You know the OMG - I am so eye is swollen shut from pink eye - kind of posts. 

I am angry I didn't censor myself.

I am angry I am such a Debbie Downer that I potentially ruined a great friendship.

This mom and I met when I was off on mat-leave.  Our kids are just a few weeks apart.  We went through the throws of nursing struggles, sleepless night and sleep regressions together.  Now its like her first child doesn't exist (she never speaks about him) and that she is just focussing on getting her VBAC. 

Why couldn't I have been more supportive? 

Man - I feel like such a fucking idiot. 

Sucks that those feelings of being unwanted, and being dismissed that occured when I was a child still resurface now as an adult. 

I wish I could get a handle on these feelings. 

Tomorrow is mother's day.  I need to celebrate the fact that I am a mother to one amazing little girl! 

Sorry for such a downer post - I needed a place to vent :)

Monday, May 5, 2014

18 months today

My dearest baby girl,

Today you are 18 months.  One and a half years ago you came into this world giving us the most joy and fear new parents could handle.

Over the last 18 months, we have seen you grow and learn and develop new skills each day.  You are simply amazing.

Things you love:

- Right now you LOVE being outside.  You will spend your entire day outside playing in dirt, running after the dogs, 'helping' daddy in the garden.  You are truly in your glory being out in nature.  Ever time you see or hear a bird you let us know.  You are very observant - much more than I am.  I love being outside with you and letting the pace of the world slow down so I can enjoy the simple things in life with you.

- You love reading books. You call them 'cooks'.  Sometimes you don't have the attention span to sit and enjoy a book, but most of the time we can share a quiet moment reading.

- You love 'funniest cat videos' on YouTube.  This was a strange find - but putting on funny cat videos keeps your attention long enough for mommy or daddy to relax a moment.  We don't have TV so we can't put on Tree House or any other children's programming.  We've tried Netflix with sesame street or other children's shows but you loose focus after a minute.  Put on funny cat videos on our phones and you are GLUED!  You love cats! Its super cute.

-You love going to the sitters and playing with the kids. You call the sitter 'mommy'.  I know you know who your mommy is and that its just a term you are using for someone who loves you and meets your needs.  I actually am happy.  You love and trust your sitter which puts my mind at ease since daddy and I both have to work.

- You LOVE your daddy.  Right now you are definitely a daddy's girl.  It's wonderful seeing the bond the two of you have.

- Blueberries and blackberries are your favourite food.  Yesterday you ate a pint of each.

- You still LOVE your 'nursies' (nursing).  Although somedays its tiring, I still love to nurse you.  Especially when I can sneak in an unexpected nap by nursing you and having you calm down enough to sleep yourself.  These naps mean I can't leave you when I wake up...but the cuddles are very enjoyable and wont be around forever.


- You learn new words each day and copy almost everything we say.  When you aren't saying words we know you are talking in your own language. You sign to help us understand you and you make connections between actions and objects to help us as well.  Its incredible. I've lost track on the words you say.  You are right on course I believe.  Right now you use the hard 'c' for a lot of things so socks is 'cocks', stuck is 'cuck' books is 'cooks'.  Its quite amusing.

- You run everywhere.  And you can walk backwards too - that is cute! You are also climbing on lots of things  but it hasn't gotten to the annoying point yet.  I'm sure that will come soon enough.

- You can identify objects in books and outside.  You also love pointing out facial features while nursing.  (This game was fun until you shared your pink eye with me this weekend.  You didnt' have it very bad at all...but I got it REALLY bad.  Pointing (sticking your finger in) your eye then mine was likely how you shared this little virus with me.  Oh well.  We've shared all other sickness this winter.)

When we took you to the Dr last week for your eye infection, you weighed a whopping 21 lbs 8 oz.  Your metabolism is really high (likely cause you have never stopped moving).  I wish I knew what I know now when you were born.  You eat a lot and never gain weight.  I wish I understood that you were going to be a slow gainer.  Its just who you are.  It would have saved me so much stress and heartache.  I am so glad I continued nursing even with the slow weight gain.  Some would have quite, and I wouldn't have blamed them.  I wanted to quite daily for a few weeks as your weight would always be under what it 'should' have been.  But we kept going and things got easier.  Then you started solids at 6 months and ate as much as a 2 year old.  And still you never put on weight.  Now some days you eat more than me.  Yet you still don't put on a lot of weight.  You are our tiny girl - and that's okay!

Thank you for being so amazing.  Thank you for choosing us to e your parents.  We love you so much it hurts.  Thanks for slowing life down a little and letting us into the wonder you see.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Second Time Around....

Is JUST as hard as the first. 

When I was struggling with infertility before H - I thought that if I could only get pregnant and have a baby my life would be complete.  It wouldn't matter if I could only have 1....I would be satisfied.


Funny how a really wonky cycle and no ovulation makes you realize the truth.

My family isn't complete with one.  Maybe if I had my perfect birth without the trauma, I would be satisfied.  I doubt it though.  I need another baby.  Hubby and I talk about another baby as if it is in our immediate future.  Its not 'IF' we have another...its when.  But then this 35 day cycle without ovulation comes along and I wonder.... maybe we should be talking in 'ifs' and not 'whens'.

I vowed I wouldn't get caught up in the mind-trap this time around.  I would trust my body, trust the universe and succumb to what is meant for me and my family.  I am really, really trying to do that.  But its hard when people around you are making pregnancy announcements.  When friends get pregnant while preventing.  When I hear women talk about their charts and they are so predictable they can know 3 months in advance when they would be ovulating/menstruating.

When I heard people talk about secondary infertility, a part of me thought them selfish.  Thought that at least you HAVE a baby to love.  Now I know.  Even thought its only been technically 6 months since my cycle resumed - I know its not going to be easy.  And the struggles we will face the second time around will be as real, as painful as the first. 

When your family isn't complete - your family isn't complete.  Yes I am BEYOND grateful for my daughter.  I thank the universe daily for the wonderful amazing gift I was given.  I am blessed with the ability to be a mother.  I know that I am lucky.  Maybe in time I will be able to accept that she maybe it.  There are parts of  me that are okay if that is our future...but right now, I'm not there yet fully.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Not knowing how difficult things can be maybe easier than knowing the struggles and heartache we may face.

But then again...maybe next month we'll be lucky?  Today is May Day.  The celebration of fertility. 

Wishing everyone in the trenches a fertile May!