Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011 A Year in Review

Well its that time of year where one reflects on the past year and develops goals for the new year to come.  2011 wasn't a great year for me health wise or emotionally - I can only hope 2012 is better!
The questions below are from Unruffled Lanie
I would encourage others to go to her blog and check out her philosophy! May we all strive to live a life unruffled!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Got pregnant twice, had 2 miscarriages, went through D and C surgery,

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year at the end of December/ early January we really got serious about starting our family.  I guess my one true resolution was to get pregnant.  Considering I had 2 pregnancies I guess I can say I kept that resolution - unfortunately they both ended in miscarriage.  Next year I will resolve to take home a baby - not simply get pregnant! Maybe that will give me the results I wish for!
I always want to loose weight - considering all I went through health wise, I did end up loosing some weight (although I think I gained it all back over the holidays!)
For 2012 - I wish to be happy and accept whatever comes my way 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes - close friends had a baby in  February and other friends had one in June (right around the time of our first m/c).  2 other friends got pregnant and are due early spring.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No - not unless you consider my 2 failed pregnancies deaths

5. What countries did you visit?

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A baby (or two),  balance, inner peace, more travel, vacations (sorry Lanie - your responses were perfect!)

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?   
April 24th - first positive POAS ever!
June 13 - find out during ultrasound fetus had no heartbeat
September 29 - second positive POAS
October 6 - 4th year wedding anniversary - just found out I was pregnant (week before) and all three BETA results were good.  Life was grand! 
October 18 - find out pregnancy not viable through ultrasound

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is a hard one as I don't think I achieved anything - I guess the new career opportunity (teaching at community college in evenings) that will start in January

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not carrying pregnancies to term (or even getting past 1st trimester) 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Pneumonia - January 
Strep throat - August

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Second car - we haven't officially bought it yet as we financed it! Definitely worth it though rather than trying to make due with only 1 car!

12. Where did most of your money go?
Home renovations - renovated both bathrooms and kitchen! Definitely ate up most of our money!
Take-out and restaurant food - our guilty pleasure
Tools for hubby
Bills / debt - almost paid off my student debt!

13. What did you get really excited about?
Our pregnancies when we were pregnant (seeing a theme here?)
Our new kitchen/bathroom
Spending time with friends

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Someone Like You by Adele
Mumford and Suns entire album - hubby was listening to this album when I was so sick with a fever when I had pneumonia.  I remember being delusional hearing it for the first time.  Anytime I hear it I think of laying in bed sick. 

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Sadder
– thinner or fatter? Same
– richer or poorer?slightly richer?

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Live in the here and now and not worry so much about the 'what ifs'

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying, stressing

18. How did you spend Christmas?
With my husband, and family 

19. What was your favorite TV program?
We don't have cable so I watch from on-line. I still love Greys anatomy

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
The Help  - only book I can think of...I read a lot at the beginning of the year but stopped when I got pregnant in April

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Only album I can think of is Mumford and Sons

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
The Muppets - even though I had to leave part-way through for a bit.  Definitely want to go see it again!

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29.  Hubby and I did something I'm sure.  Obviously wasn't that incredible as I forget!  The weekend before we went to a friends cottage .  

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To feel happy. To have had a successful pregnancy

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Comfortable and practical. I'm not  a fashionista!

26. What kept you sane?
Ummm....jury is still out on whether or not one can call me 'sane'.  I would say hubby and definitely my neighbour and good friend are in the running for helping me get through all the crap I've dealt with! My co-workers who took up the slack and took care of things at work when I was away. I wouldn't have been able to cope with everything if they didn't hold down the fort at work!

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
 Never thought it would be possible to survive a loss -let alone two.  Lesson learned: You are stronger than you ever thought you could be. 

How about you? How does your 2011 rate? What hopes and dreams do you have for the New Year?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

At Christmas Time

It is difficult to sit back and be happy in what you have and not obsess about what you don't have.  Last night we had my family over for Christmas dinner.  The house was in chaos in the morning and hubby and I spent a lot of the day painting trim, finishing projects, cleaning and cooking so that everything looked amazing before everyone arrived.  Unlike last year where my dad was pretty intoxicated, everyone was on their best behaviour. My brothers actually stayed around for a bit after dinner conversing with the family and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.  It was honestly one of the best, cohesive family gatherings I remember in a long time.  However, once the last person left and hubby and I sat by the fire with our drinks in hand, I started to become sad about how, if things were different, I would be nesting getting ready for our baby or if the second pregnancy lasted, we would have been celebrating with family that a new member would join us in June. 

Why is it, even when things are good, I can't shake the birdie on my shoulder reminding me of what I don't have?  How come, even though Hubby and I went to bed together and were laughing and genuinely happy, I couldn't just contently fall asleep? Instead I had to dream about how NEXT year we will have our baby or will be pregnant etc.

Today, Hubby's parents came for brunch and stayed till mid afternoon. The 4 of us had a lovely day together - yet once again, I couldn't stop thinking about what I didn't have and how Christmas day would be totally different if we had kids.  Tonight I went to my mom's and did the same thing.  It's like I can't enjoy the holiday, as it is a holiday made for kids.  I can't believe Christmas is here and gone.  Although I had really good time with family, I felt it was a farce as we shouldn't be celebrating if we didn't have kids to celebrate and share in the magic with. 

Aunt Flow has just about left and hubby and I can finally start 'trying' once again after the last miscarriage.  We find out our results next week - so we should be good for trying again.  Although I don't count on anything happening anytime soon. 

I need to take a lesson from hubby and learn to just live in the here and now and not think so much about what could be or what should have been.  If I was able to just enjoy these last two days without thinking about our losses, I would find I would enjoy life more and have a much more positive outlook on things.  Why is it we sabotage ourselves from being happy?  Is it possible to be struggling with IF yet just take each day as it comes and TRULY live in the moment?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Last Day

Tomorrow is my last day of work until the holidays.  It also happens to be my pregnant co-workers  Although she has only put in for her 1 year leave, she has told us that she wont be returning back to work - that she will be a stay at home mom.  It hasn't hit me yet that she'll be gone for good.  Words cannot express what an amazing person she is and how talented she is with the kids.  I am so sad that she will be gone - and worst, I'm not leaving with her.  Last year when we realized she was going, I was happy that I would be going too so that I wouldn't have to endure working without her.  Now, she'll be gone for her baby - and there isn't a baby in the works for me yet - and I have to continue on.  To top it all off, when we come back, we'll have someone in for about a week until the board does an internal shuffle and then we'll get someone totally new again.  This will cause MASSIVE disruptions to my class causing me a great deal of stress.

All of this is making me feel so incredibly sorry for myself and so incredibly selfish at the same time.  Instead of being happy for my co-worker who is about to embark on an amazing adventure - I'm sitting here sad for myself because my life is going to be turned upside down at work. I am angry that  I will have to do more and delegate more because she is so amazing and over the last 2.5 years we have worked so well together she just knows what to do without me having to tell her. I'm upset that there is no way I can express all of my thoughts to her since I can't really speak to her much  as I am too sad since loosing my second pregnancy.  I do an okay job of covering up my hurt on a daily basis, but now loosing her, I feel like I should tell her everything but I don't know how.  Maybe I'll give her a card?  It is too late for a gift - I am not facing the stores 2 nights before Christmas now.  Ugh sometimes everything just sucks!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Biopsy's suck!

Just wanted to throw that out there.  Had my endimetrial biopsy last Friday.  The test was quick - but so very painful! They said 'some spotting is normal' - I had full blown out bleeding! When I got from the table, the blood was dripping down my leg!  So gross.  Soaked through a pad too. 

Out of all the tests - I will DEFINITELY never do that again.

Things are going ok.  3 days left till the holidays where I'll get 2 weeks off work!  I need some time to just relax.  I can feel my happiness is teetoring right now.  Some moments I'm good - others I get sad again.  I hope this hormonal emotional-rollercoster will end before it really begins.  To top things off - the witch is rearing her ugly head today :(  Once again, although I knew we couldn't be pregnant, I don't think it will ever be easy seeing her come to visit. 

Hoping to get through the holidays relatively unscathed.  Wishing everyone in the IF community a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday Season!  Tomorrow starts ICLW December so those new visiting my blog, welcome! Please read the "our Journey" page to get more information of my story.  Thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Inspirational Video

Since joining the IF community, there have been many videos posted by other bloggers that have touched home in some ways. However, this video I found from This Blondie Wants Babies is so perfect. Anyone struggling with IF can relate. In fact it is so good - I'm thinking of posting it on facebook. It isn't so much for us to share with one another to get hope, but more for us to share with others outside the IF community so they can 'get-it'.  Hubby and my struggles aren't a secret - but it is so hard to explain to others how we feel.   If I posted it on Facebook, I know some people would be supportive - while others would find it odd and uncomfortable. I should say that my facebook profile is mostly closer friends and family - I've deleted all the people that I had that I went to school with years ago etc.

What are your thoughts?  Would you post it on facebook?  I want to share this video with everyone but not sure how to do it.

Take a look:

Another award!

I was nominated for this award a little while ago from Cristy at Searching for our Silver lining.  Given how difficult the last few weeks have been, it is only now that I'm acknowledging it. So a big shout out goes to Cristy for giving me the award!

Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:
  • Thank the person who passed the award on to you. 
  • List 7 things that people may not know about you.
  • Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.  Feel free to ignore my nomination if you received it from someone else

Since this award has been going around for awhile - many of the blogs I follow have been given it already.  If you haven't received it - then consider yourself nominated!  Feel free to share information about yourself to the rest of the blogging world!

7 things you may not know about me....hmmmm...
  1. I am a Special Education teacher for students ranging from 14-21 with developmental delays.  (That you may have known) Although I always wanted to be a teacher, I never wanted to be a Special Education teacher.  In fact, when I graduated from teacher's college and a lot of my friends were doing their Spec. Ed Additional Qualifications, I vowed I would never take them as I never wanted to be put in the position to teach students with Special Needs.  HOWEVER, when I was given the opportunity, I took the job as a gateway into a permanent position. Now, you couldn't pay me enough to leave this job.  My students give me so much joy and happiness.  I love what I do and I really love going to work each day!
  2. I hate onions.  I will eat sauces and stir-fries with them in it - but if I see one, I will pick it out.  I wont eat sandwiches or pizza if they have onions on it.
  3. Hubby and I live in my childhood home.  My dad sold it to my grandparents when they wanted to move from Quebec to Ontario to be closer to family.  When they were ready to move to a retirement complex, they sold it to him (part inheritance). When hubby and I were ready to buy a home, we bought it from my dad.  It probably will never leave our family - and it really isn't a spectacular home...although I love it to pieces.
  4. I am not creative.  Even cooking seems like it requires too much creativity for me. Hubby has the creative genes in this family. (Which is great cause he does most of the cooking too!)
  5. I'm not competitive - I usually bow out of anything that is a competition as it stresses me out too much! 
  6. I love spinning classes.  If only I could get my butt out of bed on a more regular basis to go.
  7. Our dogs have become our children  - it is incredible how spoiled and coddled they are.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The {pity} party's over - everyone must leave!

So after Friday's therapy session with counselor #2, I realize that I am perpetuating my own depression. The cycle must stop.  I am suffering from grief - yes - but there is a lot more going on and I think I've made some headway into what it is. 
  • I have no self-esteem and no self-respect for myself. Years of being bullied, a passive-aggressive mom dealing with her own mental health issues, a verbally abusive step-father and and alcoholic father created a toxic environment for me to be nurtured and gain a sense of my own self-worth growing up
  • I have no confidence in my own decisions or actions - I seek validation from others
  • Pregnancy was a way for me to feel validated in society - when that didn't work-out, I was taking comfort in being the victim to gain a sense of self-worth
  • I bully my hubby and depreciate him, in order to build myself up (but he is too strong to ever give into my antics and I rarely get the outcome sought after and it usually ends up in a big argument)
  • If I enter a situation where there is someone pregnant - I go into 'fight or flight mode' and become incredibly anxious wondering if I will ever become pregnant myself which then leads into a whole lot of self-depreciating thoughts
That's the root of everything - how to change the way I feel and how I act will take awhile and a good dose of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  It isn't going to be easy, but by changing my behaviours, I can change my thoughts and feelings so that I can be happier with this whole process.  I need to change the way I see myself so that I can be a stronger person. I need to understand that pregnant or not, I deserve love and am capable of making a decision.  I should be able to validate myself - rather than look for validation from others. 
The Pity Party needs to stop.  By seeking attention from others surrounding my losses, I'm only perpetuating this vicious cycle.  I need to learn to be happy about others pregnancies and not seek attention for my losses; I need to retrain my thoughts so when another is pregnant, I do not freak out inside, but learn to have my thoughts of sadness to co-habituate with happy feelings for the pregnant lady.

This is all a wonderful plan on paper - but putting it into practice will be very difficult.  Many days I will feel like I'm stuck in a rut with the wheels spinning out of control.  I'll know I will need to change directions, but it will feel impossible for me to do so.  When this happens, I need to learn to acknowledge my behaviour and admit I am making a mistake and move forward from there.