Tuesday, April 24, 2012

13 weeks!!

Well ultrasound today confirms it.  We are at 13 weeks!! (Well actually today's ultrasound dated Dragon 13 weeks and 1 day - 3 days ahead of schedule!!)

Everything was normal.  Size, shape organ development, fluid levels, nasal bone development.  Although I didn't have the IPS screening for Down Syndrome, what she could tell, everything looked fine.  I am relieved.  Baby was moving like crazy and it took forever for the tech to get the necessary shots.  I had to cough, move on my side, have her press on my uterus a few times to get Dragon to move to position.  Of course, when it was hubby and mine's time to see Dragon, (s)he was taking a nap!! LOL  We did see the mouth move and kick a bit - just not do the acrobatics the tech was describing during the ultrasound.

Since it is Infertility Awareness Week - I though I should post about it as well.  As stated in other posts, Infertility and Repeat Pregnancy losses has robbed me of my ability to enjoy and connect with this baby like I should be able to.  After the ultrasound, we went and looked at paint swatches as we will soon need to be getting the nursery painted as we want to paint before the heat of the summer hits.  As I stood looking at colours, I couldn't imagine myself having a baby to put into a nursery.  It just seems like a dream rather than a reality.  Infertility has robbed me of the ability to enjoy these milestones.  As a friend's sister is pregnant the same time as me, and as I hear how she is registering already and buying maternity clothes 3 weeks ago, I can't imagine doing this in fear of jinxing myself or allowing myself to believe this could happen.  It isn't fair.  I would love to be able to just say 'screw it' and forget about the past and simply enjoy these moments, however my history and anxiety do not allow me to do that quite yet.  Hopefully soon.  Infertility robs so many of us of so many things.  Bringing awareness to it all is such a difficult yet much needed event. 

So since I am ending the first trimester - I'll do the symptom list just because I haven't officially done it yet.

(Taken from The cornfed feminist)

Poop: better part of the week I have been quite regular - but have been hit with constipation throughout the pregnancy

Nausea:  Yes.  Usually throw up most mornings.  Diclectin knocks me out and makes me catatonic so I can't live a normal life.  I usually opt for the nausea over the catatonic state so I'm still struggling. 

Boobs: Tenderness has definitely subsided.  They are definitely fuller - not necessarily bigger.  Lefty has some nice veins for a few weeks now.  Righty is just starting to show veins. 

Acne: Nothing

Discharge:  Yup. Lots.  Nuff said 

Cravings: Nothing really screams out to me except a nice fresh bread sandwich.  I have dreams about eating fresh bread.  I'm still gluten free and gluten free bread is aweful so I wont subject myself to it.  I will eat a nice sandwich soon.  Starting to introduce wheat back into my diet little by little.    

Aversions: Anything I have to make.  Mostly Mexican.  Nachos/Tacos make me want to barf just thinking about them.

Libido: Non-existent.  Poor hubby :( 

Other:  My bump still is the same.  More present at night.  But I do have a tilted uterus and I am tall with a huge torso...so I know it will take time.  I can't WAIT to get a belly!!  I've lost 10 pounds this trimester...so I know I have a lot of time before I need maternity clothes.  But now that I'm out of danger zone (or almost) I think I may start wearing some for the fun of it.  2 friends just had babies and are willing to lend me some mat jeans that they can't wear...so I'm gonna get them Friday and see how they look :)

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers!! 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

ICLW and ultrasound anxiety

Welcome first time readers from ICLW.  Just to give you a brief history (for more detailed account, go to the My Journey page).  Hubby and I tried for one year prior to getting pregnant last April.  In June, at our 12 week ultrasound we discovered the fetus had died at 9.5 weeks.  In October, we had another unexpected pregnancy, only to find out at a 6 week ultrasound that it was a blighted ovum.  December, I went through the gammet of fertility testing to discover my FSH levels were through the roof.  In February we had another unexpected pregnancy.  At 9 weeks we went for an ultrasound and saw a perfect forming and developing fetus.  At 11 weeks, the dr was able to detect heart beat via doppler.  I'm not 12.5 weeks and just waiting for my next ultrasound on Tuesday.

Over the last few days, I have become so anxious and scared about Tuesday's ultrasound.  It is unreal.  Every day I analyze my stomach to see if a bump is forming/has grown and every symptom or lack there of I think could be a sign the fetus is no longer with us.  I'm terrified of relieving the nightmare we went through last June - even though I know the baby has progressed further along this time than with the first pregnancy.  My nausea - which gave me comfort in the past - is no longer comforting me. In fact, the fact I'm still nauseous concerns me as I think maybe the fetus died and now my hormones are stagnating at that level where I'd still be nauseous.  If I were progressing, than shouldn't things have subsided by now?   I'm still quite nauseous most days.  My breasts are not really tender consistently.  In the morning my 'bump' is pretty much soft and easily retractable with sucking in, but by night it is firm and hard and round.  Last week I was constipated for the beginning part of the week, then started to have loose stools ending with diarrhea (Sorry for the TMI) by the end of the week.  I'm trying to determine what it all means, but I just can't.  It is so frustrating.  If I were innocent, I would have rounded the 12 week mark celebrating the end of the first trimester and not worry about what symptoms or lack there of I was experiencing.  Now I'm so scared and unsure of what to expect....which has been consistent throughout the entire pregnancy.  I can logically talk myself out of most of my concerns, however that logic doesn't stay long.  I hope, wish and pray Tuesday gives us good news once again!!

Oh the joys of RPL and infertility and the anxiety that goes along with it. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Heart Beat

I heard the heart beat today.  Dr warned me that it was still early and I wasn't to "freak out" (her exact words) if she couldn't find it.  She tried for what seemed like forever and told me that she keeps hearing it in and out and that she was convinced it was there - she just needed to convince me.  At that point in time I took a deep breath and as I let out the air, I heard it!!  I'm 11 weeks today based on my LMP so it is hit and miss.  She didn't record it or anything - so I don't know how fast its beating, but its there.  I'm relieved.  For now, Dragon is still with us!

Next ultrasound is April 24.  I'm hoping that we are almost out of the woods and things will be good from here on out. 

Monday, April 9, 2012

Somebody I used to know

Today is Hubby's 30th birthday.  Saturday afternoon we had family over for Easter and then in the evening I threw him a party. We had all our friends over - some who we haven't seen in quite some time.  It was nice to have everyone over at our house again.  In past years, our home has always been the meeting place for all our friends.  We would host parties/bbq's etc so everyone could get-together.  I loved hosting.  I loved having everyone fill our home (which is quite easy as our home isn't that big) and reconnecting with friends who I haven't seen for quite some time.  However, that person...the bubbly hostess who loved filling her home with people, is gone.  I tried to bring her out again on Saturday - but she never really surfaced. 

The change started once we started to TTC.  At this time,  I put a hold on hosting.  I figured we should be saving money for the baby and not spend a ton of money on entertaining.  My focus seemed to shift away from friendships and go towards becoming pregnant.  So, for a year, friendships suffered.  Then, when we got pregnant last April, my focus was entirely on the pregnancy and I couldn't care less if I really saw many people.  Of course over the year or so from when we TTC and then got pregnant, there were events where I would reconnect with friends.  But to me, it felt different.  Since I wasn't about to tell everyone we were trying, I felt a gap start as my life had a different focus that I didn't feel comfortable sharing with people.  I started to feel that I couldn't relate anymore.  That there was this huge piece of me they couldn't get as I wasn't prepared to let them in.

When we lost the first pregnancy last June, my world came crashing down.  The time when I needed support from friends, I felt I couldn't ask as I had pushed some away.  Others I was able to connect with right away and listened as I talked about the hurt I experienced.  The miscarriage was so traumatic that although people knew about it,  no one could really understand everything we had gone through.  The year of trying, the pregnancy and the miscarriage were so much to bare and even if I did let people in, many didn't really understand (or care to understand) the hurt and pain I went through.  Since I do put on a strong front, I cover my pain really well.  I can tell 'my story' without breaking down or crying ... so it makes it seem as though I'm much more okay then what I am.

When we got pregnant again only to quickly loose the second pregnancy, a big part of who I was died.  I haven't been the same ever since.  Like the first time, I pushed many people away.  Some of those I did to protect myself (those who were pregnant) others because I felt this just wouldn't get it or be the person I needed them to be.   On Saturday I felt that this really showed. I really felt how alone and distant I have become from many people who I would have considered good friends. It is so hard to be around friends - many who may not even know or truly understand how difficult these last 2 years have been on me.  I cannot relate to people and I find it really hard to make conversation if it isn't about pregnancy.  I know this could be part and parcel of 'baby brain' etc, but I really think things wouldn't have been much different had I not been pregnant.  I am a shell of the person I was once.  I take a lot of responsibility as much of the distance has been caused by me as much as it has been by them as well.  I guess we are all reaching the age where life starts to move away from being so focused around friendships and more about yourself and your family.  It isn't uncommon to have friendships drift apart, however for me it feels different somehow.  That is it more than just drifting apart.  I feel very much alone.  Especially now with this third pregnancy, I feel like I'm muddling through a lot of this by myself.  A time where I should be embracing girlfriends and sharing my joys and pain, I keep a lot of it hidden.  I'm afraid to become 'open' with the pregnancy as I have a difficult time believing that it isn't going to end in pain again.  I'm terrified every day and I feel like I'm dealing with this fear alone.  Hubby says to stay positive and be pragmatic.  I don't know how to do that given my history. 

Even with Hubby I find myself pushing him away at times.  Conversing in general just seems so hard.  Partly due to the exhaustion, partly feeling sick, but most of all my brain just seems so consumed with this pregnancy that it is so difficult to relate to anything or anyone else.  I feel incredibly selfish.  I just wish that I could find myself again and have this pregnancy be something I'm experiencing rather than it being who I am.  I'm afraid though that it is a difficult thing for me to embrace given all I've gone through to get here.

I'm hoping this starts to change as I enter the end of my first trimester.  I've heard the energy comes back and sickness subsides.  I hope that if we get good news on April 24 that I can relax.

Here's to hoping anyways.  I really want to be the person I once was, rather than this empty shell of a person.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Still Truckin . . .

As far as I know, Dragon baby and I are still truckin along. 

I wanted to wait to post until I had more definitive news.  I had one post started titled "April Fools" where I was gonna post how Dragon baby just played an April Fools joke on me by having me spot on just that day....but the spotting continued for a few more days (after stopping and then starting again).  So far *knock on wood* I've had nothing for 24 hours. 

I called my Dr's office 2x and talked to 2 separate nurses.  Each said that since it wasn't heavy, bright red or accompanied with heavy cramps I should be okay.  However, since my first pregnancy the fetus didn't survive past 9 weeks 5 days, and Sunday, when the bleeding/spotting started was 9 weeks 5 days, I haven't been able to get excited about much.  I have had cramps on and off - but they are contained to one side and resemble - to varying degrees - cramps I've had all along in this journey. 

Since retching/throwing up caused me to bleed more, as I would bear down and strain my cervix, I have started taking diclectin to avoid the urge to vomit.  I also figure the extreme constipation resulting in a very difficult BM (sorry for the TMI) is a result from not drinking enough water because I throw it up.  I should take the drugs so I can drink more water.  It took it for 2 nights and I think it was successful .  Last night I forgot because I was just too tired to get out of bed when I remembered.  Today hasn't been so good :(

I just want to get excited in this pregnancy again.  I was super happy after the ultrasound and that only lived for 4 days.  My logic brain says that it is all because of the internal ultrasound (I had bleeding afterward) and that everything is okay.  My emotional brain is worried sick that Dragon isn't doing well. 

Today I am 10 weeks 3 days according to my ultrasound.  I go on Thursday for my physical and I'm hoping that maybe she will use the doplar and see if there is a heartbeat?  Otherwise I have to wait until the 24 for my next ultrasound. 

Thanks for thinking of me!  Please continue to keep us in your thoughts!

Sunday, April 1, 2012


I guess we aren't out of the woods yet.

I started to bleed last night.  There are so many variables that it could be from, I just have to wait and see what happens.  I talked to the nurse at our clinic and she said there is nothing they could do. If it gets worse, call during the week for an ultrasound. 

Right now we just have to pray all goes well.  I know spotting/bleeding could be normal...it just feels like I jinxed myself by telling our family and now this. 

Hoping it is related to stopping the progesterone supplements and that things balance out soon.

Keep us in your thoughts.  I pray our Dragon baby is still alive and well.