Monday, March 31, 2014

When depression rears its ugly head.

Well, I left off saying that Hubby and I were sick after H was up all night puking.  I thought the saga would end there.  Turns out, I was wrong.  I ended up needing to go to the Emergency Room as it felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and I found it hard to breathe.  These feelings lasted over 24 hours before I went.  Then, H woke up again and started puking.  After I thought we were all getting well.  Her second round of the flu did me in.  The card-house collapsed and I was drowning in anxiety and depression.  I couldn't handle having my baby sick for one more night.  I couldn't handle having to take another day off work and worry about how I was going to cope with working and a sick baby. All these negative emotions came running back. 

I took H to the Dr and while I was there, I broke down.  H had the stomach bug...nothing more.  I was signed off work for 3 weeks for stress leave.  I couldn't cope. 

I went and saw a counsellor and he made me answer 20 questions.  Apparently through these questions, he was able to identify that I was experiencing Sever Depression and Sever Anxiety.  The anxiety I understood.  I was a wreck dealing with H and everything we have gone through this winter...but the depression shocked me.  He explained that the way the chemicals in your brain work, is that if you have EVER been in a depressed state, you will go back to that state when stressed.  Each time you go back, the deeper the depression.  He says unless you treat the chemical imbalance, you wont be able to ever get rid of the depression.  He is also very much pro-natural supplements vs medications.  Since I am still nursing, I fear taking drugs as he said a lot of the drugs don't work for some people so it really is a crap shoot finding the right drug at the right dose.  He suggested I take amino-acids and cod-liver oil as well as beta blockers to help bring me out.

Funny what happens when the cards come crashing down.  Now, EVERYTHING is coming back up.  All the feelings associated wiht the miscarriages, the infertility, the abuse from my childhood.  Everything.  I have realized that I need to change.  I can't continue to go on in life the way I have been living as I am living on adrenaline and not taking each moment as it comes.  My immune system is failing me as I am so stressed.  My family is suffering, my job is suffering and my health is suffering.  I am too young and have too much at steak to not take this as a wake-up call.

While off, I'm trying to figure out ways to cope. I'm trying to not allow negative feelings and emotions to consume me. I want to be happy for me AND for H.

Being a working momma is hard.   Totally wish I had the ability to stay home with her.  

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

This horrible winter and sickness

I'm DONE with this winter. I'm DONE with sickness.  My family and I have been SO SICK this winter that I'm starting to have panic attacks waiting for the next person (usually H) to get sick. 

Here is the run-down:

Oct- H started daycare and developed a cold.  I soon got same cold.  Took her to Dr's and it was just a horrible cough.  Spent many nights my first week back at work holding her upright so we could breathe and sleep.

Oct - I developed a sever blocked duct and started to get a fever.  Needed a day off to rest and seek therapeutic ultrasound to help dissolve block.  ALSO battling a horrible cold.

 End of Nov/Early Dec - I start suffering from SEVER insomnia.  Take a day off work to sleep as I haven't slept in days.  That night, H and I BOTH come down with stomach bug.  Both of us puking (and me the 'other thing') all night long.  Worst night ever.  3 days later, H has to go to emerg for dehydration. Next day we are back at Dr and she is diagnosed with double ear infection.  Brutal.

End of Jan/ First week of Feb -  H starts coming down with cold.  Take her to Dr's and she is diagnosed with Croup.  Figure we would just wait it out.  4 days later, she still has on-going fever so we take her back...fluid in the lungs and another double ear infection.  Another round of antibiotics.  1 week after, I come down with serious sinus cold. 

Beginning of March - another cold with horrible cough. Luckily it doesn't progress into anything

Mid March - H wakes up puking.  I wake up and faint 3 times, while hubby is dealing with screaming, pukey baby...I'm passing out and going unconcious.  I figure it was a combination of low-blood pressure, waking up too quickly, the 3 drinks I had (first time in 2 years) 4 hours prior and not allowing myself to fully recover the first time I pass out so I go on to pass out 2 more times.  3 days after, I come down with stomach bug and *void* from both ends all night and the next morning.  This is where we stand now.  Hubby stayed home today too cause he was feeling quite nauseous but hasn't actually gotten sick.  I am STILL feeling like crap 2 days later.  I am terrified H is going to get sick much so that I wonder if some of my feeling ill in my tummy is due to me worrying about her getting sick.

We have THE BEST sitter, and we can send her when she isn't her best...but I have taken quite a few days off work cause I have had to stay home with her.  Luckily, (or unluckily) I was also sick so I wasn't lieing (we aren't allowed to stay home with our children who are sick). 

I can't take much more.  I have 15 more weeks left of work till summer vacation.  I feel like I am so burned out from balancing being a mommy and a teacher.  I am failing at both.  I don't know how anyone else does it.  We eat fairly good.  We try to use alternative supplements to help boost immune systems. I'm still why is she getting so sick?  I'm not the only one who has had a winter like mine.  Many of my facebook feeds are of friends battling yet another illness or two in their families.  It doesn't help that I work with special needs students so I'm bringing home a lot of 'junk' and DH works in waste water so he is literally bringing home shit some days...  It just sucks.  Who gets the stomach bug 2 x in one season??? Today I bleached all surfaces of my home in hopes to get rid of any germs.  We've also had the windows open for brief periods of time a couple days this past hopefully when the weather is nicer we can open the windows more and get fresh air in the home and help us get healthy!

Has anyone else had a rough winter?   What have you done to stay healthy? 

Monday, March 3, 2014

Finding a balance

Now that H is finally sleeping better (usually sleeps from 8-4:30/5 am and then goes back to sleep till 6:30/7) I have time for myself.  With this 'free time', I'm finding it hard to find a balance for all the things I want to do, and all the things I need to do, plus spend time with hubby. 

My job is very demanding.  My toddler is very demanding.  I wake up and take care of her, then after I drop her off I have a 20 min reprieve as I drive to work to only deal with people all day long needing the utmost care and attention. I then get another 20 min break as I drive home (with the winter we have had/having the drive isn't a break as its usually a snow-covered/drifty drive) and then I am momma to my toddler until she goes to bed.  Once I get in the door, she demands to nurse.  This nursing session is my favourite as its a wonderful way to reconnect after a day apart.  But, it also means that as soon as I get home I am glued to her for at least half an hour.  Once she lets me free, I have to make dinner, clean-up from dinner, make lunches for hubby and I and bathe her.  All the while dealing with her shannanigans - like tonight where she feels the ground is on fire and filled with man-eating spiders and refuses to let me put her down even for a second to pee.  Hubby helps where he can (makes dinner usually) but she doesn't want anything to do with him some nights.  So by 7:30 when she goes to bed, I am wiped.  I shower in the evenings so I don't have to worry about it in the morning, and usually that's the first time all day where I can unwind and relax.  Now if hubby and I want to have intimacy time (and since we are officially TTC again we aim to do this 3-5x a week...but we aren't likely reaching our goals) this cuts into my evening and desire to veg.  Since H wakes up between 4:30 and 5 - I usually wake up at that time and can't fall asleep. My insomnia is still pretty bad and if I wake up that early I'm usually up for the day.  So by 9:00 I'm exhausted and needing to sleep myself. 

So where do you find time for:
-exercise?  I NEED to get into an exercise regime. I miss it. I need it for my emotional health.  I need it cause I've gained weight from stress eating. I need it to feel good about myself.  I need it to help me sleep.  But when do I go? We have a bike in our basement to use, but I find it hard to even go on that when H clings to me for dear life when I'm on it.  I also can't work out after she goes to bed as its too late for me. 

-reading/watching tv: I love me a good tv veg session.  This is one of the few ways I can turn off my brain and just relax.  Once again...given my job I need this decompression .. but I'm finding it hard.

- see friends -

- blog?

I love my daughter.  I love my husband...but right now my momma duties and wifely duties are trumping my own desires.  I also can't sacrifice sleep for my own needs as I can't function without sleep. 

How does everyone else manage?  I'm blessed that hubby and I are both home by 4 or 4:30 - so we have more 'free' time in the evenings than most.  Yet I'm still feeling like I need more time to get everything in.