Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Divine Intervention vs Human Biology

I want to preface this blog by stating I do not mean to disrespect or insult anyone's beliefs or religion.  These are the issues I am grappling with and hope to gain clarity by writing. 

Up until recently, I have always had faith - but I wouldn't consider myself religious.  I went to church as a kid with friends - my family NEVER attended and it was always a joke that I would go with many of them.  As I grew older, I saw the hypocrisy amongst people who went to church and  I couldn't handle the judgement from my peers.  I felt organized religion was doing a dis-service to me, rather than helping so I stopped attending.  I also questioned many of the teachings and beliefs.  However, I have always had faith in a higher power.  I believe that in some areas of my life, I have been so completely blessed that it would be next to impossible for me to have gotten where I've gotten without some sort of divine intervention/guidance.

When we were TTC, each month I would pray that this would be the month I would get pregnant.  I would pray more for comfort and a feeling I had control over the situation by praying as if by asking it would happen.  Friends, who were very religious and attended church, told me they would pray for us too.  I figured if they were praying then obviously if there is a God, talking to him would help our situation.  However, as I stated in the Dumpster Baby post, when I would hear about all these unfit mothers giving birth I would question the whole situation and ask why God would allow those people to get pregnant and not us.  It didn't make sense.

When I got pregnant both times, I thanked God and prayed and prayed and prayed that everything would be okay with my baby.  I never stopped praying - especially the second time.  I had everyone around me praying for my baby.  When each pregnancy ended, the prayers changed from asking for a healthy baby, to asking for strength to get my through the hell of healing.  In every stage I, and those around me, prayed.  It wasn't until after everything was finished with the second pregnancy I realized that my prayers jumped from one topic to another without batting an eyelash. Why would I pray for a healthy baby, and then pray for strength to get through the miscarriage if God didn't answer my prayers for a baby?

What makes me wonder, is if there is a God, what 'control' does he have over this whole baby-making business.  Where does divine intervention take over from basic human biology?  Why would friends, who I would say have 'extreme faith',  pray for me to get pregnant if they didn't think God had any part in the process?  So many of these people have said to me over again that "God has a plan for you, the baby you lost just wasn't in his plan. When you are meant to have a baby, you will"  As if that is supposed to help console me right now.   I then wonder at times, if I can't get pregnant on my own, isn't this a sign that God doesn't want me to have kids?  Do we go against God's plan for us when we seek out Fertility treatments to help us get pregnant? Or did God allow man to create the science to help facilitate baby making for those who can't?

I've spoken about these topics with friends - both religious and non - and they all say I am over analyzing the situation and thinking about things way too much. However, right now when my world is shaken to the core, how can I not think about the bigger picture and where things all stand?  Right now the puzzle pieces just don't fit and for the first time I don't have blind faith and I am questioning everything when it relates to babies.  My Gr. 12 history teacher used to tell us that "religion is the opiate of the masses" in terms of how the Christian religion was used to brainwash people in the middle ages to live a complacent life.  Now, thinking of our situation, I keep hearing his words over and over again and wonder if it is just that.  In present day, our lives can be just as bleak and lonely as those living in the Middle Ages and maybe we are looking for something else to believe in to allow us to escape from the reality of our rat race.  For me praying was a way for me to try and control something I have no control in. It isn't until now, that I'm not trying and realizing it may just be biology, that I feel more at peace with the situation.

How do you answer the infertility dilemma if you are religious and believe?  In your mind, where is the line between Divine Intervention and basic human biology?

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I attended the shower on Thursday for my co-worker (the one who has the same due date as my first loss).  Leading up to the day, I was doing really well.  I got 'into' planning it and was able to help co-ordinate some of the things that needed to be done.  I felt good. However, AF seemed to be miles away.  Although it would have been almost impossible for us to conceive last month, and we both agreed that we really need to start the testing, there was a part of me - a large part - that was still hoping it would happen. 
So with the 'dream' of pregnancy, and no sign of AF, this shower was an okay thing.  Then on Thursday, the spotting started and I knew the witch was coming to visit. The shower felt like I was in some sort of purgatory.  I was sitting there, hearing everyone around be joyous and happy, trying to come to terms with the fact that once again forced to deal with the disappointment, the heartache and the pain that comes along each month with getting my period. I had to come to terms with the reality that we are doing this all over again and need to find the strength it takes to go through months of trying, waiting, hoping for it all to be crushed on or before the 28th day.  However, this is my reality. I can't to anything about it and the longer I struggle to come to terms with it, the more pain I bring on myself.

On the plus side, I start my testing on Sunday. The schedule will go something like this:
  • Day 3 - ultrasound and blood work
  • Day 9 through ovulation - ultrasound and blood work (my veins are hard to find, I'm gonna look like a heroine addict after this)
  • After ovulation - sonohystogram (saline flush to ensure fallopian tubes are open)
  • Last half of cycle - 3D ultrasound and endimetiral biopsy
  • mandatory fertility counseling (1 session) 
  • 2 sperm samples from hubby (done)
I know that after this we'll get some answers.  May not get answers as to why we had miscarriages, but answers as to why it took us so long to get pregnant in the first place.  A plan will be made. We can either go with it or wait.  Right now, I am not sure what we'll do. Maybe we should give ourselves time to heal.  I dunno.
It's funny. I was so prepared, excited and wanting to just forget about TTC and fertility for awhile so that we could heal from these past losses.  Then the 2ww happened and I became a different person.  Just the thought of maybe, possible (although highly unlikely) I'd be pregnant, made me start hoping and dreaming again.  I honestly think the 2ww makes me insane.  It turns me into a different person. Isn't the definition of insanity when you do the same thing over and over expecting different results? 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

My First Award!!

I want to thank Cristy from Searching for our sliver lining for the award!

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers 
with less than 200 followers.
Here are the rules:
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

My fav 5 are:
2. Lisa at Hapa Hopes
5. Her Royal Fabulousness at Waiting for Little Feet

All blogs are linked - for some reason when I post the font doesn't show up the way it is supposed to :(
Very grateful for my award - especially today!