Monday, August 27, 2012

31 Weeks

31 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  Whew! Time is going so quickly now it is hard to believe that in 2 months, I'll get to meet my Dragon Baby!

This past weekend Hubby and I were in a wedding for close friends of ours.  Leading up to the wedding I was worried about how I would hold up.  Given it was an outdoor ceremony and an non-air-conditioned hall, I was worried how I would react to the extreme heat and long day.  I did okay.  I think I was running on adrenaline all day though.   I was up for almost 21 hours in total - and survived! Actually, given I was the only member of the wedding party sober and last to leave, I was responsible for ensuring the hall was cleaned out.  It was a crazy party -but we are happy for them.

I'm very tired now.  Yesterday and today we've been nursing a sick puppy.  She started throwing up at 7:30 yesterday morning (only giving me about 4 hours sleep) and has since thrown up every time she manages to get human food.  She is running around and seems to be her normal self so we aren't too concerned.  We think it has something to do with a massive cob of corn she ate (and threw up).  It probably irritated her stomach and now she needs to just relax and get better.  It is difficult as she is a hoover and eats anything that she can find as soon as it lands on the floor (sometimes even before hand).  The cob of corn actually came from our garden - the raccoons got to the corn before we did and left a mess.  We think she ate the remains.  Dealing with a sick puppy has certainly given us a taste for parent-hood that's for sure!  Last night she started throwing up again at 3:00 and before she had heaved 2 times, Hubby and I were up like lightening tending to her and cleaning up the mess.  We do make a good team in that department.  Never once have I had to beg him to help me clean up the dog mess.  Hopefully he'll be just as good with the baby!

Today I received a box of Similac formula in the mail.  I have no idea how I got onto their mailing list or who joined me up for the Similac Club - but I am there. It came with 6 newborn formula jars, a large can of powdered formula and a can of liquid lactose free formula as well 2 gift cards for 10 dollars off.  I'm all for free stuff usually, however I think it is a bit presumptuous to be receiving free formula in the mail when I didn't ask for it.  This is how some mothers, I'm sure, stop nursing.  Having a nice little stock-pile in the pantry gives them temptation when breast feeding becomes challenging.  I know many people will have formula on hand for 'just-in-case', but I never planned on having any.  I want nursing to be my main priority and I don't want to have a back-up plan in the house.  If things don't go the way I want them too - I would go and get formula as a healthy baby is the most important thing - however, shouldn't it be a choice?  Formula companies prey on women's difficulties and giving out free product in a large quantity ensures that the family would likely choose that product when they need to buy more.  I would rather do my research and determine what is the best product and purchase it, rather than have this other stuff waiting around.  Does this make sense?  I'm by no means judging those who formula feed or choose to do so, I just don't like being a target market for formula when I am not planning on using any.  Don't prey on me when I could be weak.  Let me make the choice with the knowledge I've been given.


Overheating: OMG - I'm definitely at the hot flash stage of pregnancy. I sweat all the time! It is pretty gross.  That's the one thing about the wedding that I wasn't happy about.  I had sweat stains on my dress pretty much all the time.  It is brutal!  I feel like a pig.

Constipation - still tends to be a battle.  I'm drinking regular tea in the mornings and that seems to be helping most days.

Insomnia - still an  issue.  The night before the wedding I was worried about how I would sleep.  A friend suggested I take diclectin (usually used for nausea in first trimester) before going to bed as it knocked her out during her pregnancy.  I forgot how much that stuff knocks you out! I took 1 pill, and I'm not sure if it was the diclectin or just good luck...but I slept!  I'm going to ask my Dr about taking it if needed when I go back to work.  It may just be the help I need!

Sciatic Pain - still around especially when I walk.  Not sure how it will hold up when I go back to work...but we'll see!

Overall that's pretty much it.  Baby moves around regularly but definitely has quieter days than others.  I go next week for my next ultrasound!  Crazy!!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

August ICLW is kinda sad and exciting to be ICLW time again. Sad because it means August is almost over and I have to go back to work - but exciting to be able to connect with new people and have 'fresh blood' visit my blog :)

A brief recap on me.  Spring 2010 we started TTC.  Didn't get anywhere for a year.  On the month we were supposed to start fertility testing, we received our first BFP!  At the 12 week ultrasound we realized we had lost the baby at 9.5 weeks.  The next time we were scheduled to start our testing, we received our second BFP.  This time, we found out we lost the baby at 6 weeks and were diagnosed with a blighted ovum.  We immediately went for testing the month after and found out I had really high FSH and DH had some sperm issues.  My natropath suggested some herbs and vitamins for both of us and suggested I go on a gluten free diet.  2nd month of this regime, we get a surprise BFP!  This time it sticks and we are now 30 weeks pregnant.  Not sure what we are having yet.  This has been an incredibly emotional and anxiety filled pregnancy as I've worried about every sign and symptom along the way.

I'd like to say this blog is riveting and enlightening and goes beyond day to day feelings and events, but unfortunately for the most part, it is a place for me to get out whatever I need to get out.

I hope you stick around though!  Thanks for the visit!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Didn't think it was possible . . .

To be this humanly tired all. the. time.

I am not working right now (have August off until school starts back up again in September).  I was tired in July while teaching summer school, but I threw it up to the fact that we had a record breaking month of heat waves and waking up so early to teach.  Now, I really have no excuse (except that I'm almost 30 weeks) as to why I'm so tired.  Unbelievably tired.  I and heard it only goes down hill from here?  I have no idea how I will manage for the better part of 2 months when I go back in the fall.

I can't imagine if I am this tired just incubating the baby, how it is going to feel when baby is out and I have to be taking care of an actual human being.

I'm also experiencing vertigo - I feel drunk half the time.  It isn't just when I get up or sit down fast.  I get the spins when laying down.  Fun times.  I see my Dr tomorrow so I'll ask her about this new phenomenon.

However, at the end of the day, I shouldn't complain.  I'm truly blessed to be at this stage of my pregnancy and I vowed I wouldn't be the wining/complaining prego.  (Although ... it is becoming increasingly difficult.)


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A new year older - but none wiser

Saturday was my big 3-0 birthday.  It is funny to reflect on where this year has taken me.  Last year, I was horribly depressed, still recovering from our first loss.  In trying to get over the loss, I was hell-bent and determined to get pregnant again pronto.  In Aug, while camping I became horribly sick with a sever case of strep-throat.  Even though we were camping with friends and I felt like hell, it didn't stop me from forcing Hubby to do the baby dance with me in the showers as I had a positive OPT test earlier that day.  Looking back, I was nuts! I couldn't swallow, could barely stand, and we had to sneak into the shower stall without bringing attention to ourselves so that we could DTD.  No wonder we didn't get pregnant - desperate much?   Would have been a great story though if it had worked out ;)

Anyways, a year later, I'm not sure how much wiser I've become.  Although I'm now at a stage in my pregnancy where I'm (mostly) confident I will bring home a baby in the next 3 months or so, I still grapple with emotional heartache as I always have.  It usually stems from my mother.

I'll give you the coles notes version in bullets below:
- parents divorced when I was 3 - mom and dad had joint custody but my brother and I lived with my mother and visited my father every-other weekend
-at 16 - I moved in with dad to gain a new peer group as I couldn't fit in at school
- after moving in with dad - mom and my relationship went sour...she wouldn't talk to me for months at a time...didn't like the choices I was making (ie dating my now hubby, enrolling/dropping certain classes etc)  Unless I made effort, no real relationship between the two of us.
- through university, relationship stayed the same...unless I made the effort, no communication was really made....
-moved out west and got engaged, suddenly mom wanted to be the proud mother and do everything....that stopped shortly after it started...I did something to piss her off and then communication broke down again...
-moved back to Ontario...similar cycle...our relationship is good for awhile, I do something (or don't do something) then she doesn't talk to me...rinse repeat...

Now that baby is on the way, (for reals this time) I feel like I can't break this cycle.  She was happy for us, and seemed excited...however we didn't really hear much from her.  On Saturday, she took me out for my birthday and bought a lot of things for baby (stroller, bouncy chair, bedding, will be buying carseat).  I was thrilled that she was making such an effort to be apart of this experience for me and baby.

However, yesterday the truth came out.  My step-mom and mother-in-law are throwing a joint shower for my family/friends.  This is what I wanted.  Since my mother has made no effort to get to know any of my friends, doesn't really know hubby's family and has made no effort in getting to know them (only time they have met is at the wedding) it didn't make sense for her to throw one (she doesn't talk to any of her family).  When I asked my mother for her new address as my step-mom needed it for the shower invite, she proceeded to tell me how angry she was that step-mom is throwing a shower.  She feels that it wasn't her place to do so ... that I only have 1 mother and the baby will only have 2 grandmothers - herself and hubby's mother.  She feels that she has taken a back seat long enough and that by being 'liberal (that's her word not mine) she has missed out on the relationship she has wanted with me. She is angry with my father for allowing his wife to throw a shower for me....

I was floored.   Once again...I allowed the vicious cycle to repeat.

You mother never once expressed interest in throwing me a shower. step- mother has been in my life for over 25 years!!! She isn't just a fly by night woman my dad has just picked up.  Her family have been my family for years.  I consider HER nieces and nephews to be my cousins. I have been involved and included in her family affairs more than I have been in my mother's side of the family.   My step-mother KNOWS most of my friends, she and hubby's parents are friends and she and my dad have done social things together with them without hubby and I being present.  She isn't trying to take over a role that doesn't belong to her...she is just being the same person she has always been for me for the past 25 years!

I kinda equate my mother's feelings to that of a toddler who never plays with the blue truck.  The truck can sit there for months without ever being touched or thought about...until another child comes over and goes right for the truck and wants to play with it.  Suddenly the toddler becomes quite enraged and possessive over the blue truck and kicks and screams until he gets his truck back.  This shower is the blue truck.  My mother never would have thrown me a shower (she didn't throw me a wedding shower).  She never would have contacted Hubby's mother to discuss details and arranged a date.  She even told me that she doesn't have any time to throw a shower.  But since step-mom is throwing one, she is very upset.  I just don't get it.

You see...the way I look at things is that this baby is LUCKY to have so many people around him/her to love it and care for it.  My mother shouldn't care who takes the role of or is called long as the person in that role loves, cares for and respects the baby, who cares what role they take?  It seems like everyone, except her, is doing things out of a place of love - where she is doing things out of a place of duty. Now hubby feels all the items she bought baby are tainted and he is concerned that she will try and usurp her role when baby arrives.  It just doesn't make sense.

He saw this all coming and warned me about it.  Of course, I was naive -again for the millionth time - and thought that my mom was really excited and happy for the baby. I wanted her to be apart of this time with me. Apparently, turning 30 still didn't change my naivity  when it comes to her.  Will I ever learn?  Unfortunately, I have zero ability to stand up to my mother.  I hope, that when baby comes and I am protecting my son or daughter, I grow the balls I need to just tell her what needs to be said.

In my heart I know my mother loves me and our baby.  She is just so hell-bent on roles that it really sours the love she shows.  After all this time, you would think that we could all just get along.  I can see a really crazy mess happening in the future where we'll have to have multiple Christamas' and Birthdays' as certain family members wont be there if others are there etc etc.  Ugh.  Sad thing is, no one else has a problem but her.  Everyone else would be happy and okay with her being at the shower and whatever else comes up in the future.

Hoping that turning 30 will make me wiser and be able to stand-up to my mother in the isn't looking so good.
On a more positive note - our baby IS looking GOOD!  here's the latest snap-shot from our 28 week ultrasound yesterday!

 Dragon at 28 weeks