Sunday, December 30, 2012

Success story and help needed

Two monumental things happened today.

1 - Hubby was able to give H her first bottle.  It didn't take long for her to latch onto it.  However he fed it to her too fast and she ended up throwing most of it up :(

2. I pumped in preparation for him to give her this bottle and I pumped 3 oz!  This is HUGE for me! (I know for most people 3 oz is NOTHING...however I've also heard from people that they can't pump milk so pumping isn't an accurate representation of what you can feed your baby)  I read somewhere that if you pump, add an ounce and that is how much your baby would be able to access at the breast. SO - knowing this, maybe my supply isn't as much of an issue as I thought it was!! (I've read that at this age she only needs about 3 - 5 oz per feeding and since we are still supplementing a few oz a day with formula/pumped milk, I am confident she is getting what she needs!!)

Help Needed:

H HATES the bucket car seat.  She never really liked it, but would fuss/cry for a few minutes then go to sleep.  The last few days, she just screams, and screams and screams.  So much so that when we stop she is inconsolable and I have to take her out of the car seat and nurse her in the back seat for her to settle. In the past, she would then fall asleep and could go back into the car seat and continue sleeping - the last 2 days, she will fall asleep on me but wake up and start screaming again as soon as we put her back in.  This is TORTURE! I need to be able to get out of the house and it scares the daylights out of me to take her shopping with me if she gets herself worked up so much.  Any suggestions? I've tried a lot...tell me this will get better!  I need to be able to leave my house! lol

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Almost 8 week update

Well the holidays are (almost) over.  We have one more family event on Saturday and a funeral today where we'll be showing  off  introducing our daughter to the last side of the family.  (Bad time for a funeral..but it's for Hubby's great aunt who lived to 96).  We've almost made out relatively unscathed except baby girl has had some bad gas last night and today.  Mommy hasn't been as diligent over the holidays to make sure she is eating the proper foods.  We're paying the price now!!

Overall things were okay.  She doesn't sleep well during the day anymore.  She pretty much slept the first 4 weeks of her life so now she is making up for lost time.  She is up all day long - unless I read her cues and put her in the moby wrap and bounce.  She LOVES to bounce.  However, this saves me from having her pacify on my boobs all day!  At Christmas she was a bit fussy and so I had to put her in the wrap - she didn't get to play "pass the baby" for very long...oh well.  I don't mind...but I do feel a bit bad for family who wanted to hold and meet her.  I'm sure they are all saying I'm a hovering mom who is spoiling her baby wearing her all the time....

On that note - tricks for putting your baby to sleep during the day?!?  She wont lie on her own at all.  She will wake up during the night around 3-4, nurse then go back to sleep and wake up 3 hours later....nurse and go back to sleep for 2-3 hours (usually).  So nights are good.  However days, she will fall asleep on the boob or in the wrap but as SOON as I try to put her down..she is awake and not interested in sleep. So I wear least she gets her nap and I can do work around the is just the relaxing part that is hard...right now to write this post I'm bouncing on my exercise ball and she is asleep.  What I wouldn't give to be able to relax on the couch! LOL!  Any tricks would be appreciated. 

Breast feeding has been going much better now that I'm not stressed and willing to supplement during the day.  Overall she gets about 2-4 oz of either formula or pumped milk.  I still pump after my morning feeds but it is a bit harder during the day.  Now that the holidays are winding down, I can nurse her/let her pacify on my for longer if she wants....either way I think my milk is starting to become a bit more reliable.  My friend is a herbologist and she made me a nursing tea that I've been taking.  I'm not sure if it is because I'm more relaxed or if the tea is helping but I definitely feel less anxious when it comes to nursing her once again.  Now I know this can all change tomorrow.

Overall I think things are improving.  I'm getting regular smiles and giggles from her which make my heart sing.  I don't have any time for myself and I feel like my husband and I are roomates and nothing more...but I keep telling myself that those things will come with time right? 

Friday, December 21, 2012

Turning the corner...

I feel it is time for a positive post.  Thank you to those who were supportive of my last post.  It still baffles me that in a community designed for supporting each other, people feel it is okay to post negative comments.

I feel like I'm turning a corner (I've said that to friends before but maybe this time is for reals).  On Tuesday I woke up and said to myself that no mater HOW much I need to supplement, I am a good mother.  I take each feeding for what it is.  If I need to supplement, I do.  If I don't, then that's okay too.  Since then, I've really only supplemented an extra ounce or 2 during the day along with my 2 ounces at night.  I'm still mostly nursing and most of the supplements she is getting is pumped milk.  Overall, we are doing okay!  The scale is away and I don't get her weighed again until Jan. 7.  I am feeling like everything is working out right now...she is healthy!

I'm also starting to realize her cues from hungry and tired.  She still doesn't put herself to sleep, so if she doesn't fall asleep nursing, and we play for a bit and she starts yawning, I wrap her in the moby and bounce on our exercise ball.  I bounced a lot while pregnant and she really likes that movement.  It calms her right down and puts her to sleep.  I then can do chores or whatnot around the home and I'm not just feeling so confined.  I wish I could put her in her bassinet when she is sleeping, but whenever I do she wakes up.  However, I honestly don't mind carrying her around.  It make me feel good wearing my baby!  I wish it were warm outside cause I'd love to take her for walks, but I don't feel comfortable taking her for walks outside in the winter when I can't really wear a coat over her. 

Looking forward to the holidays now knowing I wont have to have her nursing the entire time.  I still haven't given her a bottle - we use the lactation aid when we supplement so she is still latched to my breast.  It may be wierd bringing all our contraptions with us, but this is how we are feeding our baby and if anyone says anything - then they will get an earful! LOL!

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season! 

Monday, December 17, 2012

Where's the support?

I just deleted a very hurtful comment from my blog regarding my struggle with breastfeeding and that I should just get off my high horse and give my baby the nutrients she needs.

I don't understand why people leave nasty comments when this should be a community of support.

What this poster needs to know:
- I have gone to get her weighed every week since birth
- I have been supplementing with pumped breast milk since her 2nd week of birth
- Each time I have gone, I have asked about formula and each time the nurse practitioner said NOT THERE YET...keep trying she is GAINING
- the very day she and I agree it is time to supplement with formula I do - keeping my baby healthy is my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY

The reason it is bothering me so much is because of feelings of inadequacy that I have with MY BODY given everything I have been through.

Why would anyone say anything to imply I am being selfish and not doing what's best for my baby.  This hits a raw nerve because it is EXACTLY the same sentiments my mother said to me yesterday.  Why can't a mother mourn her goal of exclusive breastfeeding?

Thank you for questioning my parenting abilities and priorities.  Thank you for assuming I am being a bad mother and that I'm on a high horse for trying to breast feed.  I guess if one is infertile and can't conceive naturally and they take herbs/medication to help get pregnant they are on a high horse too?  I mean..they could always adopt...being a parent is being a parent right?  (please note sarcasm).  Everyone has goals and they try to achieve those goals and will try everything before giving up. My babies health was NOT in jeopardy - if I wasn't working so closely with medical professionals then maybe - but I was following their directions exactly.  

This just makes me want to stop blogging altogether.  Ugh.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Waxing and Waining...

Warning: This is another breast feeding venting post.  I need to clear my head and this has proven to be the most cathartic way for me to do so. Plus - many of you ladies give incredible advice and walk me off the ledge so to speak. Sorry if it isn't the most interesting (or if my posts have become down-right boring to some).  This is my life!

So if you would have asked me on Sunday how nursing was going, I would have told you that things have definitely turned a corner.  I was so excited that each time she went to my breast, I had milk and had enough to fill her.  She was gaining about an ounce a day.  We were on track!  In fact, on Saturday I didn't' even need to supplement and was thinking that I could probably stop one of my many things I do to ensure I have milk (herbs, pumping after each feed etc).  Then yesterday happened.  She woke up, at 9:00 and literally wanted to feed ALL DAY LONG.  I took her for a bit of a drive in the afternoon to get her to sleep - and when we got home, she woke up and still wanted to feed.  When hubby came home, we went for an extended drive to give me a break.  We had to stop part-way to change her diaper (princess freaks if her diaper is slightly wet) and then I had to nurse.  She continued to scream until she fell asleep.

By evening, I had nothing left.  It literally felt my boobs were deflated balloons.  Even when I forced an hour break, there was nothing.  I know there are other ways to calm a baby down, but if she is cranky and not sleeping during the day, I don't know what to do but feed her.  I'm always so scared she is hungry.  Since she fed all day, she wasn't getting a true feeding at each feed cause I didn't have enough time to replenish.  She did sleep well at night (by the way, she is gaining - slowly - but gainig and is well past her birth weight...when do you stop waking a baby to eat at night?  I keep waking up every 3 hours and waking her up to eat...something tells me I could probably stop this soon no?)

Today, I thought would be a better day, but I seem to have let-down issues.  I always, ALWAYS was able to get mulitple let-downs with my right breast. is like she is fighting for every swallow.  WTF?  I KNOW it is all mental and I have to relax.  I feel like I'm 2 weeks back in terms of momentum.  Saying this, I know where things were and that we will get back there eventually ... it is just so friggen hard.  Today I feel like crying all day long.  I'm not sure if it is partly baby blues/post-partum depression starting to set in or just plain exhaustion...either way today is rough.  I know things will get better - they have so far.  I guess when things are up, I expect they are going to stay up and that it isn't going to get hard again.  I really need to just relax, however with her weight still being an issue, it is all so hard.  Weekly Dr apt's for her is starting to wear me down too I think.

I guess I just felt that given how much difficulty we had in getting here once she was here things would be 'easy'.  Why, given all our struggles, couldn't breast feeding be easy for us?  Why do I have to worry about her weight every moment of the day?  Why, when she's awake, does it cause me so much anxiety cause I will know she will need to eat/want to nurse at any given moment?  I need to have more items in my repetoire then just putting her to boob when she is fussy - but that's all she seems to want.  Did anyone else have this issue and if so, what did you do to cope?  I have tried several types of soothers and she isn't really keen on them.  She freaks when I put her in the moby wrap....Hubby can calm her down by bouncing her on the ball...but I haven't had success with that.

Ugh....parenthood is HARD!  People need to warn you about these early stages.  I was so naive and felt that I could muster through anything and appreciate and love every trying time cause this is what I wanted.   

I am stubborn/determined and for whatever reason I will not resort to formula yet.  I know my life would be easier if I did...but I also know how horrible I would feel.  I'm just not ready yet...maybe next week I will be but not today...

Friday, December 7, 2012

One month update

I can't believe that it has already been 1 month since my daughter was born.  Fastest month of my life!!  I think back to my last month of pregnancy and it seems like eons ago.  I do remember it going by so slowly and feeling like the baby would never come.  Now, it feels like this has been my life all a long.

Last week it felt we were turning a corner.  Nursing was becoming a bit easier and she was gaining weight more rapidly.  Monday and Tuesday she was cluster feeding and I felt I HAD ENOUGH to make it through.  Yesterday - things went the other way.  We bought a baby scale a few weeks ago to track her weight (as she isn't gaining like she should) and we weighed her and she was down again.  This put me into a negative spin, and thus made the night feedings so much harder.  She just wanted to eat and eat all night long - and it felt like I didn't have any left to give her.  Just when I was about to supplement again, she fell asleep.  Little stinker.  However, today I feel horrible.  We still haven't needed to supplement with formula - I just give her whatever I've pumped during the day at night.  However, given I only pump after feedings, my pumped amounts are becoming less.  This morning, as I was feeling sad by last night's activities, my doorbell rang and it was a delivery person for a box of formula.  I feel like it is a sign that maybe I should start using formula at night.  I just want to be the person that struggles at the beginning to have a great success story - not the person that struggles and then has to resort to formula anyways.  I don't think formula is bad and I totally see why people use life would be so different right now if I were just to give her it and say goodbye to nursing, however, I really really want to breast feed. It is something I want to put the work in for.  It will get easier soon right?!?!

They are also treating her for acid reflux.  She doesn't eat a lot at one time, but is a grazer. It could be because of my supply, or because she doesn't like to eat a lot at one sitting because she is in pain.  She has a few signs (but doesn't throw-up) so we are trying zantac to see if there is any improvement in her weight gain. I'm thinking if it is acid reflux, as the medication kicks in and starts working, she is going to have to train my body to produce more milk right?  As she starts to feel better and want to eat more at a sitting?  Please tell me this whole supply/demand thing actually works!  I feel sometimes that I wake up with less milk then I need rather than more!

Aside from feeding, things are going okay.  My life is still pretty consumed with 3 hour increments of when she feeds and then pumping afterward.  Nights are okay (aside from last) she usually gives me a few hour intravals of sleep - however I need to wake her to feed her every 3 or 3.5 hours (if I oversleep my alarm).

Hubby is amazing. He is so devoted.  I'm not going to lie though - I do get rather annoyed that he gets to go downstairs and have 'me' time while I feed. Given she is the most fussy in the evenings and has longer periods of time on the boob, it is difficult to get any 'me' time for myself in the evenings when he is home.  I'm hoping that as she gets older, and if the medication works, that I will be able to get some time for myself.  We've agreed to introduce the bottle at 6 weeks - so we only have 2 more weeks to go until he can feed her.  I think that will make the world of difference.  Whether it is pumped milk or formula - I can then get a bit of a break from her.  Not that I don't want to be around her always, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at times. 

I also think I am overdoing it at times.  As things are/were getting easier, I tend to do more.  Take her out and be busy.  However, whenever we leave for long periods of time, it messes with our system and things have to restart.  I think I have overdone it this week.  Today is a stay in bed and watch movies/nurse day so hopefully we can get over our little hiccup from yesterday.

 Overall, this parenthood thing is pretty cool.  SO much to think about and so much different than I ever would have imagined.  No one really warns you how much work raising a newborn is.  All you see when you see them, is a sleeping baby...but the work that goes into a sleeping baby is indescribable! 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Picture posted

See the Rainbow Dragon Baby tab at the top of the page to be directed to my Birth Story and see a picture of our beauty :)

Monday, November 26, 2012

Breast feeding Woes...

I know people say nursing isn't easy...something that should be so natural isn't.  However, I wasn't prepared for HOW difficult all this would be.

First - when you aren't able to hold/nurse your baby right really needs to EMPHASIZE the importance of pumping.  I didn't get to really hold my baby until she was about 12 hours old...and when I did, she was attached to many different machines.  There was no skin-to-skin.  This definitely hindered our nursing relationship.  Since she was on IV fluids, I wasn't able to really feed her until she was 3 days old.  I would pump, but I would barely get anything so I didn't really see the importance.  My baby never really did get the colostrum that she should have gotten.

Secondly - Once I got to nurse, no one really showed me how or what I should look for.  I was SO EXCITED to hold my baby alone - with no one watching I just put her on my boob and let her go to town.  Little did I know she was eating enough to sustain her weight...but not enough for anything else.  When we were discharged from the hospital, she had only had 2 wet diapers and no poopy diapers in the last 48 hours.  When we got home our doula met us there, and she was very concerned that the hospital let us leave with out her peeing.  She watched me nurse and said that there really wasn't much milk transfer taking place.  She told me it looks like I had a supply issue.  Man - what a buzz kill!  So then I was so scared and preoccupied of not getting enough food for my child!  The next day, I was able to get into see the Lactation Consultant.  She corrected my latch and sent me on my way with the instructions to see her again in 5 days.  Her Pees and Poos increased, but I didn't feel like I was able to feed her enough when she was hungry! I couldn't wait the 5 days. On the Sunday night, I had such a bad night with her, I broke down.  On Tuesday I had an in-home visit where she put me on Domperidone to help boost my milk supply and told me that she would correct H's small tongue-tie the next day in the office.  So on Wed morning, I had a much better feed given I had 2 doses of the drugs and we had H's tongue clipped. I thought that with those two things in place, we would be good to go! 

Not so much...When we went to the Dr's for her 2 week weight check, she had only gone up 3 oz and was STILL not at her birth weight.  I went back again to see the L.C and she was worried about her less than ideal weight gain.  She watched a feed and said that things look good.  She sent me for tests on my thyroid as apparently thyroid mal-function could hinder milk supply. This was news to me! Given I have a thyroid issue and that since her birth I wasn't diligent in taking my medication daily I wonder if that is the reason.  I wont know the results till the end of this week/beginning of next. 

She also gave me a lactation supplement - basically a feeding tube that I drop one end into a bottle and the other goes into her mouth through the side of her mouth while she is latched.  This is to supplement her feedings at night when she is the most fussy and wont suck properly.  Although I like seeing what she is eating and knowing she is getting food...having to use this thing is so demoralizing.  I would almost rather have hubby give her a bottle. But since I have supply issues and she has sucking issues, the L.C says NO to bottles!  She really doesn't want to mess things up more!  It is bad enough she uses me as  a pacifier more than not as she was given one in the hospital. 

Now my big dilemma is let down.  If my boobs are full, milk is transferred easily.  However, after the foremilk is gone, it takes a really long time to get a let-down of hind-milk.  It does happen, so I do know the difference, but it isn't consistent.  In the process, she either becomes angry or she changes her sucking pattern where she doesn't really do anything.  It is so frustrating and causing me a great deal of stress.  I just want to feed my baby!! I can't believe how difficult this entire process is.  Bottle feeding would be so much easier - but I am determined to nurse!  I just don't know how much more I can take.  The anxiety of not knowing if I am feeding her enough or feeling I don't have enough milk to give her when she is hungry is consuming me.  So much so that I feel my husband is better able to read her cues then I am.  He knows to change her diaper or take her out of a situation where she can be over-stimulated - where I hear her cry and immediately think she is hungry.  If I don't have any milk left, I start to become anxious as I worry I can't feed her.  It really is a never ending battle. 

Any thoughts on how to relax enough to allow my let-downs to happen? I know relaxing is key and not stressing ... but how do you ensure that you are relaxed?  How does one not stress?  

Birth Story

Well this is 3 weeks coming.  I apologize for not writing sooner. Life has been a bit crazy!  I'll likely do multiple posts today...

I was hoping to write a beautiful post honouring my daughter's birth.  Maybe one day.  Today you get the coles notes version :)

On Sat. Nov. 3 and Sun. Nov. 4 I went for a long hikes to help move things along. Between the two days I think I hiked over 16 km! Pretty good for being 41 weeks pregnant!  I definitely think the hikes helped move things along :)

On Sun. Nov. 4, Hubby and I went to my parents for dinner. Baby was fairly quiet, and my step-mom kept asking if the baby was moving. She then proclaimed when we were leaving that we would have the baby that night given how quiet she was. On the ride home (only a 5 min drive) I started having contractions. I usually had contractions in the car, so I wasn't really surprised. I told hubby to keep driving to see if anything happens. So he took me over every pothole and bump he could think of in the city! After about an hour of driving aimlessly, we decided to go home and see what was going to happen. At home, I was feeling odd. No real contractions, but she a sense of blah. Every time I stood up I noticed I had a fluid leaking out. My dr told me that if it was amnotic fluid, I would know (it wouldn't stay in my underware but would go down my leg). Since it didn't trickle down my leg, I figured I was just peeing myself! LOL.

At around 10 I went to bed (thank heavens!) and slept for about an hour and a half. (Hubby didn't...big mistake). At 11:30 I woke up feeling really yucky and when I stood up even more fluid would come out. I was starting to get worried, but hubby told me to just relax. He said that he was going to go to bed and that if anything were to happen, he needed time to make a coffee and take a shower! LOL. Needless to say that never happened. As soon as he laid down, I felt a pop inside and low and behold, my water broke. I called our Doula, and we proceeded to get ready for the hospital.

Once we got to the hospital, I was checked. Baby's heart-rate was good, but took awhile to get the movement count they were looking for. They checked me and I was 3 cm. Since water had broken, I was admitted. As soon as we got to our room, the contractions were picking up quite a bit. They were very localized to my pelvic floor region - not all over and thankfully none in my back! Once our doula came, I really put all my faith in her and just let thing happen. Sitting was horribly uncomfortable, so I laboured standing hunched over the bed or kneeling curled into pillows. The whole thing was a bit of a blur. I really was having an out of body experience. At around 4 I was checked and was at 7 cm. The pain was managable. My scaitic was hurting - so our Doula put a heating compress on it and would give me pressure during a contraction. Hubby would get water and ensure the music was on during the entire time. At around 6, I had an uncontrolable urge to push. I couldn't help myself. Our regular nurse was on break and the cover nurse checked me and said I was only 8 cm and still had a thick cervix left. Once she told my regular nurse this, they offered me gas to help manage the pain as they were concerned my pushing would swell the cervix more. I couldn't manage through the urge to push, so around 6:45 I told them that if I can't push, they needed to give me an epidural because I couldn't go on anymore. My nurse decided to get the Dr to check me at this point to see where we were at. Thankfully she did - I was at 10 cm and what they thought was the cervix was the baby's head!! I suddenly had to go through quite the mind shift - not pushing to PUSH. At this time there was a change of staff. Our wonderful nurse left and we had 2 new ones (don't know there names...they were okay...) and we had new Dr. SHE WAS AMAZING!! I pushed for about 2 hours and made some headway but was really exhausted. I asked for help. The Dr suggested we use the vaccuum to help get the baby out. Half and hour later, Hannah was born sunny-side up facing the crowd! Unfortunately her cord was wrapped around her neck really, really tight. Dr had to cut the cord before delivering shoulders to get her out. Hubby then trimmed it. Baby was caught on my pelvic bone - and in addition to her cone-head, she had a nice read line across her head from being stuck.

Now thing really become a blur. I know she was put on my chest right away and hubby and I got our moment of pure joy. The nurses then took her to clean her up and she wasn't breathing right...not crying just grunting. They tried to give her some oxygen - but that didn't help matters. They gave her back to me for another moment and then they took her off to try to stabilize her. They weren't successful in the room so they rushed her to the nursery with hubby in tow. It was aweful! Hubby said that the 2.5 hours they were trying to stabilize her were the worst hours of his life. Her oxygen levels were very poor and she wouldn't breath right - just grunt. Her heart rate was extremely high too. Her colour went purple and the Dr told him they were going minute by minute to stabilize her and if she didn't stablilize soon, she would be airlifted to McMaster. They had to give her a round of fluid, which blew her vein and caused her arm to swell. They coudln't find another vein for the IV, so they had to do a surgical procedure on her ambilcal cord and put in a catheter. When I was able to go see her agian, it was aweful. She looked so helpless and scared sitting in the incubator. Noone warns you of what could happen after birth. I was prepared / educated on the different interventions that I could have had to face during labour and delivery - I never imagined that my baby would have needed such care after being born. She had a Spontaneous pneumothorax which prevented oxygen to reaching her blood. They don't know what caused it - the vaccum, the cord or the long period of pushing. However the reason, it is difficult for me to not feel guilty. After the delivery I was very proud of myself for deliverying naturally (just with vaccuum assistance) now I wonder if there would have been away to avoid all the chaos had I just pushed a little bit longer/harder on my own.

Breast feeding -  has been an incredible struggle...I will be doing a post on breast feeding soon! I need to clear my head of all the negative thoughts I have of myself.. I hope, as time progresses this gets easier. I blame some of my issues on the fact that I wasnt' able to feed her for 2 days after she was born and given she was in the nursery and I wanted to spend every moment with her, I wasn't diligent on pumping.

Overall, we have a beautiful baby girl. Her lungs are clear and healthy now - no lasting side effects from the pneumorthorax. Just trying to ensure her weight goes up!

Sunday, November 11, 2012


Thanks for all the love.  It was an emotional journey but we are home.  Breast feeding is one of the hardest things I have done...I am committed though so we are trying to learn together.  Once I get things in order and I actually make my way downstairs to the computer, I will type my birth story.  Loving being a mommy though!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

she is here!

Typing on my phone....not able to write much but need prayers and thoughts sent our way.  Our baby girl arrived yesterday only to have yo be wisked away to nicu as she had difficulties breathing.  Now on I've and oxygen.  She is doing better but it breaks my heart to see her tied up to all these machines and I can't touch her :( pray she will be okay! I want to hold my little girl!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

2 WW and Waiting for Labour: A comparison

This post is merely an observation I have discovered over the last couple of days. I know how difficult the 2 ww can be, and by no means am trying to downplay the stress and agony that occurs each month.  I am also speaking from a person who has never had to go through the hardships of IVF or IUI.  This is just from my experience and am NOT trying to insult anyone.  I realize waiting for labour is different as a baby is imminent.    

As Dragon reaches 1 week over due, I have discovered many similarities between waiting for labour, and the 2 week wait:

- Sex - in both situations (well just before the 2 ww) you have copious amounts of sex (one to make baby, one to try and use prostagandins in seamen to get contractions starting) and if you don't have sex, you feel guilty. Maybe THIS TIME it will actually work.

- Vitamins/ herbs - in both situations you pump your body with vitamins and herbs to try and bring desired result

- Many visits to acupuncturist - during the 2ww I would go at least 1 or 2 a week.  I have been going 1 or 2 x a week for over a month.  I have bruises on my legs.  I don't think it is working :(

- Over-analysing every twinge and ache and pain as if it could be something more

- Obsessively studying underware and tissue each time you use the bathroom to see if it gives any indication for what's to come (aunt flow, mucus plug etc)

- Emotionally drained

- Realizing that now matter what you do - the situation is beyond your control.

Given I went through over a year's worth of 2 ww - it is surprising how many emotions waiting for baby this last month has brought up.  The inability to control a situation, no matter how much you want to, is very difficult.  Each night, I go to bed thinking 'this could be it', only to wake up and have nothing happen.  I realize that to get the BFP during the 2ww - I had to give up control.  I'm now going to do that to see if it has any effect.  I'm really trying to just relax (as hard as that is) and keep repeating to myself a healthy baby is all that matters.  Induction/epidural/c-section whatever it takes, I need to be on board.  I guess, having had so much difficulty getting to this point, it is really hard for me to give up control on my desire to have a natural labour.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Dear Baby

You are being such a tease!  On Monday, when I went and saw my Dr, she told me I had made incredible progress over the weekend.  I was 1-2 cm dilated, and 50% effaced.  She was certain you were on your way into this world.  On Thurs.  when I went for an ultrasound at the hospital, she said you were one very healthy, happy baby inside.  This was wonderful news - however, we only have until Monday before they are going to schedule me into the hospital to give me medication that will force you to come out.  Since Monday, I have had many days where I feel like you were trying to make your way to this world - only to have everything grind to a halt once I lay down for the night. 

You are definitely a Scorpio and your father's child.  You are definitely making it known that no matter what I do, you will come when you want to.  However, your stubbornness will only last for so long.  You have a time-line now.  Mommy and daddy really want for you to call the shots in the delivery - meaning we want you to come out on your own without the medication that could put mommy into a lot of pain.  (Along with a lot of other nasty side-effects).  Mommy wants this experience to be as natural as possible, as studies have shown that a natural deliver is better for mommy-baby bonding along with a lot of other things.  However, if we get the nurse (or one like her) that we had on Thursday when we went for our tests, it will be very difficult.  That woman was overbearing and opinionated! If she could have, she would have started mommy on the drugs that day!  We don't want that.  We NEED you to come out soon. 

Choosing your birthday must be important to you.  However, you need to know that the Dr's will choose it for you unless you start to co-operate.  We are running out of time!!

Please baby, start co-operating and make your way into this world!  Mommy and Daddy are so ready and excited to meet you!!



Sunday, October 28, 2012

One Year Blog-i-versary

It has been 1 year since I really started to blog.  (I had the blog before, I just never really used it). 

Which means, it has been 1 year since my second miscarriage and my life really turned a different direction. 

1 year ago, I sat on the couch looking for others who have had multiple miscarriages and was looking for hope.  I just found out that our second pregnancy was non-viable and I had taken misoprostal to induce the abortion.  I couldn't believe that this was my story.  As I found others in this community, I realized I was not alone.  There were others, who wore their hearts on their sleeve and underwent serious hardships to make a family.  Some of these ladies are still struggling to get the family of their dreams.  Others, were successful and are now in the throws of mother-hood.

For myself, I am in a weird place.  I am so close to having 'everything I have ever wanted' as many of my co-workers have pointed out time and time again.  However, I'm also still so far away.  My baby isn't here yet so anything is possible.  Also, my body is once again not co-operating by having high blood pressure and not starting to dilate etc to bring the baby to me.  Both of my miscarriages were missed.  In neither situation, did I experience the cramping, bleeding or any other symptom associated with miscarriage.  I found out my babies had died through an ultrasound and needed medical intervention to rid my body of the dead fetus.  Now, sitting her waiting for my baby, I wonder if my body once again will hold onto this pregnancy for dear life.  Does my body want to stay pregnant forever?  Does it even know what it is supposed to do naturally?  If not, does this mean I wont be able to deliver my child? 

It is funny how so many things can change in one year, yet stay the same.  In many ways, I'm still in the same vulnerable position I was a year ago.  This year has been the hardest year of my life.  I have been tested in ways I never thought possible.  My marriage has been tested.  My faith has been tested.  My friendships have been tested.  My relationships with my family have been tested.  In the end,  I don't think I am better off for it.  After the first miscarriage, I saw 'light at the end of the tunnel'.  The second, just threw me into a spiral of self-doubt and vulnerability.  I don't think I will ever be able to view myself or my body the same way.

Today has been rough.  Hubby has commented many times on how confrontational and overly emotional I have been. I reminded him what occurred 1 year from today, and he asked why would I ever bring that up.  It was in the past and I should only be focusing on the baby we will soon be meeting.  I couldn't believe him.  It goes to stand that everyone deals with situations differently.  However, for me, I can't think about this baby, without thinking about the ones I've lost. 

Today I pray that our baby decides to grace us with his/her presence soon.  Tomorrow I see my OB again, and I pray that progress has been made AND my blood pressure is at a level that will allow us to wait a bit longer if need be.  I have been religiously doing exercises from spinning babies and really trying to visualize my baby make his/her way down.  I hope it has helped.  Thank you for those who have commented and sent positive vibes my way.  I also appreciate those who have validated my feelings.  I KNOW a healthy baby is the goal and it ultimately doesn't matter how that happens.  I appreciate everyone who has validated my feelings of loss if I can't give birth to my child on my own. 

I'd like to say that the sun will come out tomorrow and things will look and feel better, however it looks like we are in for quite the storm.  They are calling it the perfect storm.  Two storm fronts meeting up and hitting all the same time. It is very symbolic of how I am feeling.  Today, I am dealing with two different 'storms'.  One of loss and one of hope. I guess I will just have to settle for the idea of sun.  Just how it will come out one day, I know everything will work out the way it should. 

Friday, October 26, 2012


I am very discouraged right now and in need of some positive thoughts/energy sent my way.

Saw my O.B yesterday.  Given my increase swelling before she even examined me she was talking about induction.  Although I didn't want to be induced, I was okay with this topic of conversation given the pain/discomfort I have been feeling.  She then weighed me, and I gained almost 7 pounds in just over a week (red flag number 2).  She then took my blood pressure and it has gone from 100/60 last week to 120/90 this week.  She said that it was high and wouldn't want to see it any higher (the 90 is the issue here I guess).  However, I had no protein in my urine (thank god!)

She then did the internal..thinking I would be at least starting to dilate to then determine the best course of action for induction...boy was she wrong!  Baby has actually gone UP rather than DOWN since last internal.  Baby's head is down, but is sitting kinda sideways - not quite posterior but not anterior either.  She said baby needs to rotate and drop.  She can't induce if baby's head isn't engaged or it wouldn't really do anything. 

I go back on Monday to see where things stand.  As long as my blood pressure doesn't go up...she's willing to allow me to wait.  I never really discussed my birth plans on here, but I really, REALLY do not want interventions - especially a c-section.  I am TERRIFIED of an epidural.  I know a healthy baby is the best outcome, but given all we went through to get here...I would just like to experience a 'normal' delivery.  Even hubby said last night, why can't this one thing be typical. 

So not only does it look like I'll be pregnant forever, but now I'm fearful that my body will fail me in allowing me to have a natural delivery. 

I'm also worried that all this talk, I'm preparing myself for the worst.  I am really needing to 'throw this to the universe' and hope that it will take care of me.  I cannot dwell on the blood pressure issue - because if I do, I know I will inevitably make it so that the worst possible outcome (for me) will happen.  So how do I stay calm and just believe that baby will rotate and drop?  How do I will my blood pressure down and not up?  I have been walking a ton (did 6 kms yesterday) and do many of the exercises out there for getting baby to go into optimal position.  I know I can do more, but I also know that this is something I can't control. 

Please send positive thoughts my way.  I know for some, a c-section is inevitable or even a preferred choice.  I don't begrudge or think poorly of women who go down that road.  I know that if it has to happen, it will happen.  I just want the opportunity to TRY on my own first.  This is important to me...right wrong or indifferent, I know I would feel like a failure if I don't get that chance. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

39 or 40 weeks pregnant

Well after writing my fears down, I felt a ton better. Thanks for those with kind words - it was nice to receive some validation for my feelings!

Today I am technically, according to my due date, 39 weeks pregnant.  However, according to all my measurements and ultrasounds, I'm 40 weeks.  My due date based on my LMP is Nov. 2.  My due date based on dating of my ultrasounds - even from early on - is Oct. 22.  Oct. 29 was a date my Dr and I chose out of thin air, really there was no reasoning for it. I'm hoping baby decides to come closer to Oct. 22 than Nov. 2!

Yesterday we went for a big hike.  Felt amazing to be outside in the crisp fall air, hiking amongst the leaves.  Hubby and I have been for a few really great hikes, I feel walking to get this baby out has really allowed for us  to spend some quality time with each other doing something we love to do!  Yesterday afternoon/evening, I was having some pretty serious contractions.  I thought for sure they were the real deal and not Braxton Hicks.  Unfortunately, right after I messaged the doula to let her know what's going on, things slowed down.  I had a big one again at midnight and then nothing for the rest of the night.  It was so anticlimactic!  Hubby and I were really excited that this could have been it!  Being so close to my 'potential' due date makes me think things could happen at any moment.  I really am excited to meet this little one! I want to hold him/her in my arms so badly!!

As for symptoms - things are pretty much status quo.  My hands/wrists are still my worse complaint by far.  Yesterday my joints in my fingers were so swollen I couldn't make a fist.  I definitely think it is related to dehydration, however, I drank almost 4 liters of water alone yesterday and things only improved marginally.  Hopefully my hands go back to normal once baby comes. 

I see my OB again on Thurs.  Hopefully I'll get some indication of when baby could come - however, I know I could be dilated for a few weeks before anything happens! LOL

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I need to get some things off my chest.  In the early stages of this pregnancy, I would write my fears down and suddenly, a day or so later everything seemed a lot less overwhelming and intense.  I'm hoping, now, the same effect will happen.

Ever since Monday, after reading really beautiful and touching stories of women who have lost, not only pregnancies, but infants, I have been terrified of loosing my baby.  For the past 2 nights, I have woken up at 3 am and all I can do is worry.  I am terrified that the baby will die before I go into labour or worse, it will die during labour.  I've researched the data, and almost 1800 cases of still-births happen each year in Ontario - the national average being 6.4 for every 1000.  For some reason, I thought researching the likely-hood will give me comfort - instead it has made me worry even more. 

I'm also paranoid - given my field of work - something will happen during labour that will cause permanent injury to my child.  In my  job, Cerebral Palsey is very common.  Out of 40 students who are in our program, 4 or 5 have CP.  Now there are many ways an infant will get CP, and there are varying degrees of it, but the most common is loss of oxygen during birth causing sever physical and potential mental disabilities.  If labour takes a long time, especially transition, I will be worried the entire time that I'm causing harm to my baby. 

I've always wanted a natural delivery with no interventions.  Now, the fear of loosing my baby is so great that I have contemplated taking interventions just to have a healthy baby. 

I was 1 in 4 who experienced miscarriage twice.  During the first two pregnancies, I was terrified of having a miscarriage and when I did, my world came crashing down.  Now, I'm terrified of loosing my baby.  Is this just an irrational fear or could it be a premonition of something to come.  I'm sure there have been women who experience a wonderful pregnancy to have their world come to an end when their child is born asleep. 

I am hoping that this is a 'normal' fear given everything I have been through and not indicative of something to come.  I'm hoping by writing my fears down, I can move on and focus on the beauty of what is to come.  I just pray that it happens sooner rather than later because in my mind, the sooner the baby comes, the better chance he/she will have of survival. 

Did anyone else have these irrational fears?  If so, how did you cope?  How did you move on and enjoy the experience.  Why does this pregnancy have to be so filled with worry and anxiety?  I wish I could be oblivious like many women I know :(

Monday, October 15, 2012

Today I Remember . . .

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  This day is very significant for me for a few reasons:
- today I remember the 2 babies I have lost
- today marks the year anniversary (almost to the day) of finding out our 2nd baby wasn't viable
- today I am 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant and am hoping and praying the baby inside will soon greet me with his/her presence and be healthy

For some, miscarriage happens and life goes on.  Yes it was a sad time in one's life, but it doesn't alter or shape their life in any way in-particular.   For me, my losses have shaped my life and turned it on a different course completely.  Having difficulties conceiving, and then loosing 2 pregnancies in such a short period of time, has altered who I have become, how I lived through this pregnancy, and how I will mother.  I can't talk about this baby without talking about my losses.  They are part-in-parcel of one another.  Some say, everything happens for a reason, and that my losses will have a 'silver lining' eventually.  I am not sure I believe that.  Each time I saw a double red line on a pregnancy test, I was in-love.  Our first baby, we saw a heart-beat flickering on a screen - we were ecstatic.  Our second pregnancy, or our phantom baby, didn't progress beyond a yolk sac, however the hopes of him/her replacing (yes I thought it would replace) the baby we had lost was so strong.  That THIS pregnancy would make everything right  - made my world crumble and fall apart when we realized that all my hopes and dreams were gone.  When we got unexpectedly pregnant a third time, even-though things were different from the start, I could never be comfortable or happy until well into my 3rd trimester.  My previous experiences stole the ability for me to be a happy pregnant woman away from me.  Even now, I worry that something is wrong with the baby and that I will become another statistic.  I pray every day that this baby is born healthy and strong.

My losses will shape the way I mother.  Although I wanted to be a mom, otherwise we wouldn't have gone down the TTC road, I don't think I would have been as grateful if we had conceived right away and carried to term.  I wouldn't cherish the life growing inside as much as I am now.  I KNOW how miraculous life is and how difficult it is to make and carry a baby.  This baby is so loved and desired - much like the other two were - but the difference being, we know how precious life is.  This baby will know of his/her angel siblings.  He/she will help tend the garden planted in their honour and will know how much they were loved.  Although they did not make it earthside, they are apart of our family - and will always be apart of our family.

Today I light a candle and say a prayer for my 2 angel babies who have shaped the person I am.  I am certain they were looking out for their brother/sister here on earth and helping him/her grow.  Please continue to bless us little ones and know that you were and are loved and remembered every day. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Waiting Game

Well it is hard to believe that I'm sitting here at 37.5 week pregnant.  I'll be 38 on Sunday.  My last ultrasound showed baby was measuring a week ahead (which I think is more in line to my original dates anyways) so I could be close to 39 weeks pregnant.  Either way, I'm full term and Dragon can come out at ANY time to greet us with his/her presence. 

Hubby and I are so anxiously waiting for this moment - however I don't think baby is ready yet.  I don't really think I've dropped that much.  I haven't felt that 'lightening' everyone talks about.  My CM is definitely increased - which is a good sign however I think it will be a few weeks yet. 

This past weekend was our anniversary.  Here in Canada it was Thanksgiving weekend and we were actually married on Thanksgiving 5 years ago.  We spent the night in the same hotel we spent our wedding night in.  It was amazing!!  Only 20 min from home, we were able to just relax and enjoy one another.  I was really, really hoping baby would come on our anniversary weekend - but I guess he/she had other plans.

I'm now done work.  Dr wanted me off due to increase blood pressure and swelling.  I was ready!!  This week has been busy going to different appointments and such.  Today nesting may have set in a bit, but I haven't really felt the urge to clean everything in site.  I'm still pretty tired and sore.  My wrists/hands are the worst!!  I think I have pregnancy induced carpel tunnel/arthritis.  My joints ache and I have a shooting numbness that goes through my entire hand if I put too much pressure on it.  Nights are the worst and since I wake up multiple times to pee and need to use my hands to prop myself out of becomes rather painful.  Hubby has now moved to the spare room so that he can at least get a good night's sleep.

Hubby is very excited to meet the baby.  He keeps telling me to 'pop it out already' as he wants to see what he/she will look like.  It breaks my heart every time he says that.  I am so excited to meet this little one too.  I'm hoping I go into labour on my own and everything goes as I have planned.  I am seeing my natropath each week in hopes she can help speed things up a bit.  I guess time will tell :)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Puppy Love and 35 (almost 36 week) update

We had our maternity photoshoot on Sunday.  When I signed on with our Doula, we were given a coupon for a local photographer who would do a free mat shoot when you booked a new born shoot.  Since I really wanted newborn pictures we went with it.  I'm happy to have pictures of my belly and such, but I really wanted fun pictures with our gorgeous puppy!  Hubby and I did pictures together and then we brought Paige into the mix.  Our older, more cantankerous dog stayed home as he wouldn't be very co-operative.  We have only been shown 2 sneak peaks - one of me and one of Paige.  I'm so in love....

I think we are more impressed with the quality of the photo than anything else.  We are so excited to see the rest!  Definitely going to blow this one up and have it framed!!  I think my maternal love is on over-drive right now because I was so proud of her getting her picture taken! LOL

I guess I should show the pic of me too...pretty good but I don't think I look nearly as cute ;)


So I'm doing pretty good for a few days shy of 9 months pregnant.  My biggest complaint (aside from sleep issues) is my patience is running very thin.  Given my job requires a TON of patience, it has been rather difficult some days.  However, I'm taking days off as needed and just trying to enjoy my last few weeks of work.  As of today, they have hired my replacement so the next couple of weeks will be busy getting things prepared for the transition over.  I'm a control freak - so it is going to be hard to hand the reigns of my class over to someone else.  However, once baby comes, I know it wont bother me any! 

I see my Dr tomorrow and I'll have my first internal exam.  Is it strange that I'm kinda excited for it?  Maybe it will show that baby is starting to get into place and make an early appearance?  So many first time moms say they aren't ready for baby until the due date or I'm ready now!  Baby is big enough and I'm ready to just have this little one to love and cherish.  I would be super excited to know things are starting to progress.  However, I'm sure I'm still too early for all of that. 

One year ago this week we found out we were pregnant again for a second time - only to find out 8 weeks later that the pregnancy wasn't viable.  It is crazy to think that I will be off at the same time this year as last - but for completely different reasons.  One year and all the world of difference.  Miracles CAN and DO happen!

Monday, September 17, 2012


Stretch marks have arrived.  I thought I had two wee ones last week ...but they are not so wee anymore and they have brought fact...they look to be hosting a party.  Boo.  Just another check on the pregnancy symptom checklist I suppose.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

34 weeks - I jinxed myself...

I am going to apologize in advance as I feel this post will be mostly about me bitching about how awful I feel.  However, I will start off by saying that I saw my OB on Wednesday of last week and Dragon is still looking good.  All measurements are on track and fluid levels and cervix is good.  Yea!! She is quite confident that the baby will be around 7.5 pounds when born....lets hope she's right.

I feel as I have reached this week that I am fully done with being pregnant.  I never thought I would curse pregnancy given all I went through to be here.  However, I am.  My back is killing me.  If it isn't sciatic pain, it is lower back pain.  I can't sleep well at night and I often wake up to a sharp pain in my ass (sciatic) for really no reason at all.  It is brutal.

I'm also exhausted.  Totally and utterly exhausted.  I knew my class was active - but I never realized HOW active we were.  I want to set a precedent with my new students, so I participate in all walks.  However, we walk - A TON!!  This past week almost did me in.  My feet are so sore. I'm sure the walking has added to the back pain too.  I've decided to take Monday off to re-coup ... which gives me a 4 day week next week which is good.  I figure I'll use my sick days to last until October 12 (which is my last day of work for an entire year!!) Wahoo!!

We are also very stressed right now about our roof.  Last weekend in the rain storm we realized our roof was leaking (we thought we had at least 1 more year before it needed to be replaced).  My dad just had his roof redone and had a steal roof put on.  Given his connections, he was able to get us a quote for about 3000 off a steel roof.  Incredible deal ... however it will still cost of $10,000.  An asphalt roof will be around $4000.00.  Nether is ideal.  Steel we'll never have to replace...asphalt we'll likely have to replace in 10 years as we have a low slope roof.  Given I will be off for a year and only making E.I wages, I am scared of putting ourselves over the edge (we don't have 10 grand in the bank...).  So we are trying to weigh all of our options.  But...this is stress we certainly didn't need!!

I had my shower last Sunday.  It was crazy!! It was one big shower with all family/friends from both my side and hubby's side (my mother didn't show up...surprise surprise!).  It was so incredible to be surrounded by love from so many people who love this baby already.  Pretty overwhelming.  I'm actually surprised at how much stuff we STILL NEED!  We got a little of everything...but not enough of one thing to cross it off our list....if you know what I mean.  Most people didn't go off our registry which kinda annoyed me as I spent a lot of time choosing items.  However, at the end of the day...we have a ton of we just need to find a home for it all!  Luckily  I am borrowing a lot of the bigger items so I'll just get those when I need them!

We met with our Doula on Thursday.  I'm very excited to work with her.  She told us that she doesn't have any clients now until my birth!  It made it feel so real!  Things could happen soon!! 

I'm very much ready for pregnancy to be over.  I know I still have a long haul left.  If baby came out now...he/she would be okay.   Small ... but okay.  I'm okay with a premie right now! LOL.  Hubby wants it to incubate a little more (and so do I...) but I'm ready to feel comfortable again.  Maybe if Dragon would just drop I'd get a bit of relief.  He/She is up so high..kicking me in the kidney's often...sitting in my diaphram so I can't breathe...I just would like some relief.  I'm also starting to swell.  I can't wear my wedding band at all - and most days my engagement ring doesn't fit either.  I'm surprised I lasted this long...but because I did last this long...I felt I would last the entire pregnancy without having to remove my rings.  For some reason...having to remove my rings has made me very, very sad and grumpy!  I hope my fingers resume their normal size soon after the pregnancy is over!

Once again...sorry for the bitching post.  I guess I just jinxed myself when things were going so well that things would continue so.  Maybe after a couple days rest I'll feel more human again?? Or maybe when Hubby and I go for cheese cake tonight I'll feel better ;)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

33 weeks (almost) and back to work!

So I think I have jinxed myself.  Over the course of the pregnancy I was amazed at how many symptoms I have had - but was super grateful for the ones that I have been able to avoid.  However, the last few weeks it seems as though I can check a few more boxes off the symptom list.

Heartburn - still not overly sever..however it does have a tendency to rear its ugly head once and awhile.

Swelling - my fingers are turning sausage like.  My rings are still on...but I'm worried it wont be for long.

Clumsiness - I took a rather nasty fall on my second day back at work where I skinned my knee (rolled my ankle on uneven terrain and landed on hands and knees).  Luckily the only thing truly injured was my ego.  However, since then I almost fell off a stool at work (the E.A's have since taken away my right to a stool and told me I may ONLY sit in chairs) and rolled my ankle again today and almost fell walking with my grandmother.  Luckily nothing happened or else she would have probably called 911! LOL

I'm still tired and suffering from poor nights sleep...but overall I can't really complain!

First week back was pretty good.  My students are great (I had 7 returning from last year) and the new staff in my room are working out wonderfully!  Tomorrow I have my baby shower.  I wish I was more excited...I guess it feels really surreal?  Also, today we woke up to a leaky roof.  I think given we have only had like 3 days of rain, we didn't realize how bad our roof was.  Now I'm pretty anxious as I've put in my leave at work for October 12 and I'm worried it is too early.  I wish I decided to work right till the end so that I could get more money.  I'm really, really worried about how it will all work out financially - especially now if a new roof may be in store.  Did anyone else worry about money while they were off?  My husband works for the city - however he is seasonal and is only on-call from Dec-April.  Therefore it is a huge chance that both of us will be on unemployment insurance for the winter.  Since I make more money then him, this is going to hurt us...a lot. I know I need to focus on baby and me and not worry about money...but how can I do that?  If anyone knows ways to alleviate the financial worry, I'm open to them :)

I went for my 32 week ultrasound last week.  I hope everything is okay (wont know till Wed when I see my OB).  She had to measure my fluid 2x and made a statement stating that the second time she measured, she got the same results as the first time.  I'm hoping that doesn't mean anything....I guess I'll know on Wed!!

Here is the newest picture.  It is of baby's is hard to make out so don't feel bad if you can't see it.  It was very 3-D like...we could see the eyelashes, hair and eyelids! Crazy!

Hopefully Wed will bring good news that baby is measuring on target and that everything is good!  I still want to keep working a few more weeks!! 

Monday, August 27, 2012

31 Weeks

31 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  Whew! Time is going so quickly now it is hard to believe that in 2 months, I'll get to meet my Dragon Baby!

This past weekend Hubby and I were in a wedding for close friends of ours.  Leading up to the wedding I was worried about how I would hold up.  Given it was an outdoor ceremony and an non-air-conditioned hall, I was worried how I would react to the extreme heat and long day.  I did okay.  I think I was running on adrenaline all day though.   I was up for almost 21 hours in total - and survived! Actually, given I was the only member of the wedding party sober and last to leave, I was responsible for ensuring the hall was cleaned out.  It was a crazy party -but we are happy for them.

I'm very tired now.  Yesterday and today we've been nursing a sick puppy.  She started throwing up at 7:30 yesterday morning (only giving me about 4 hours sleep) and has since thrown up every time she manages to get human food.  She is running around and seems to be her normal self so we aren't too concerned.  We think it has something to do with a massive cob of corn she ate (and threw up).  It probably irritated her stomach and now she needs to just relax and get better.  It is difficult as she is a hoover and eats anything that she can find as soon as it lands on the floor (sometimes even before hand).  The cob of corn actually came from our garden - the raccoons got to the corn before we did and left a mess.  We think she ate the remains.  Dealing with a sick puppy has certainly given us a taste for parent-hood that's for sure!  Last night she started throwing up again at 3:00 and before she had heaved 2 times, Hubby and I were up like lightening tending to her and cleaning up the mess.  We do make a good team in that department.  Never once have I had to beg him to help me clean up the dog mess.  Hopefully he'll be just as good with the baby!

Today I received a box of Similac formula in the mail.  I have no idea how I got onto their mailing list or who joined me up for the Similac Club - but I am there. It came with 6 newborn formula jars, a large can of powdered formula and a can of liquid lactose free formula as well 2 gift cards for 10 dollars off.  I'm all for free stuff usually, however I think it is a bit presumptuous to be receiving free formula in the mail when I didn't ask for it.  This is how some mothers, I'm sure, stop nursing.  Having a nice little stock-pile in the pantry gives them temptation when breast feeding becomes challenging.  I know many people will have formula on hand for 'just-in-case', but I never planned on having any.  I want nursing to be my main priority and I don't want to have a back-up plan in the house.  If things don't go the way I want them too - I would go and get formula as a healthy baby is the most important thing - however, shouldn't it be a choice?  Formula companies prey on women's difficulties and giving out free product in a large quantity ensures that the family would likely choose that product when they need to buy more.  I would rather do my research and determine what is the best product and purchase it, rather than have this other stuff waiting around.  Does this make sense?  I'm by no means judging those who formula feed or choose to do so, I just don't like being a target market for formula when I am not planning on using any.  Don't prey on me when I could be weak.  Let me make the choice with the knowledge I've been given.


Overheating: OMG - I'm definitely at the hot flash stage of pregnancy. I sweat all the time! It is pretty gross.  That's the one thing about the wedding that I wasn't happy about.  I had sweat stains on my dress pretty much all the time.  It is brutal!  I feel like a pig.

Constipation - still tends to be a battle.  I'm drinking regular tea in the mornings and that seems to be helping most days.

Insomnia - still an  issue.  The night before the wedding I was worried about how I would sleep.  A friend suggested I take diclectin (usually used for nausea in first trimester) before going to bed as it knocked her out during her pregnancy.  I forgot how much that stuff knocks you out! I took 1 pill, and I'm not sure if it was the diclectin or just good luck...but I slept!  I'm going to ask my Dr about taking it if needed when I go back to work.  It may just be the help I need!

Sciatic Pain - still around especially when I walk.  Not sure how it will hold up when I go back to work...but we'll see!

Overall that's pretty much it.  Baby moves around regularly but definitely has quieter days than others.  I go next week for my next ultrasound!  Crazy!!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

August ICLW is kinda sad and exciting to be ICLW time again. Sad because it means August is almost over and I have to go back to work - but exciting to be able to connect with new people and have 'fresh blood' visit my blog :)

A brief recap on me.  Spring 2010 we started TTC.  Didn't get anywhere for a year.  On the month we were supposed to start fertility testing, we received our first BFP!  At the 12 week ultrasound we realized we had lost the baby at 9.5 weeks.  The next time we were scheduled to start our testing, we received our second BFP.  This time, we found out we lost the baby at 6 weeks and were diagnosed with a blighted ovum.  We immediately went for testing the month after and found out I had really high FSH and DH had some sperm issues.  My natropath suggested some herbs and vitamins for both of us and suggested I go on a gluten free diet.  2nd month of this regime, we get a surprise BFP!  This time it sticks and we are now 30 weeks pregnant.  Not sure what we are having yet.  This has been an incredibly emotional and anxiety filled pregnancy as I've worried about every sign and symptom along the way.

I'd like to say this blog is riveting and enlightening and goes beyond day to day feelings and events, but unfortunately for the most part, it is a place for me to get out whatever I need to get out.

I hope you stick around though!  Thanks for the visit!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Didn't think it was possible . . .

To be this humanly tired all. the. time.

I am not working right now (have August off until school starts back up again in September).  I was tired in July while teaching summer school, but I threw it up to the fact that we had a record breaking month of heat waves and waking up so early to teach.  Now, I really have no excuse (except that I'm almost 30 weeks) as to why I'm so tired.  Unbelievably tired.  I and heard it only goes down hill from here?  I have no idea how I will manage for the better part of 2 months when I go back in the fall.

I can't imagine if I am this tired just incubating the baby, how it is going to feel when baby is out and I have to be taking care of an actual human being.

I'm also experiencing vertigo - I feel drunk half the time.  It isn't just when I get up or sit down fast.  I get the spins when laying down.  Fun times.  I see my Dr tomorrow so I'll ask her about this new phenomenon.

However, at the end of the day, I shouldn't complain.  I'm truly blessed to be at this stage of my pregnancy and I vowed I wouldn't be the wining/complaining prego.  (Although ... it is becoming increasingly difficult.)


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A new year older - but none wiser

Saturday was my big 3-0 birthday.  It is funny to reflect on where this year has taken me.  Last year, I was horribly depressed, still recovering from our first loss.  In trying to get over the loss, I was hell-bent and determined to get pregnant again pronto.  In Aug, while camping I became horribly sick with a sever case of strep-throat.  Even though we were camping with friends and I felt like hell, it didn't stop me from forcing Hubby to do the baby dance with me in the showers as I had a positive OPT test earlier that day.  Looking back, I was nuts! I couldn't swallow, could barely stand, and we had to sneak into the shower stall without bringing attention to ourselves so that we could DTD.  No wonder we didn't get pregnant - desperate much?   Would have been a great story though if it had worked out ;)

Anyways, a year later, I'm not sure how much wiser I've become.  Although I'm now at a stage in my pregnancy where I'm (mostly) confident I will bring home a baby in the next 3 months or so, I still grapple with emotional heartache as I always have.  It usually stems from my mother.

I'll give you the coles notes version in bullets below:
- parents divorced when I was 3 - mom and dad had joint custody but my brother and I lived with my mother and visited my father every-other weekend
-at 16 - I moved in with dad to gain a new peer group as I couldn't fit in at school
- after moving in with dad - mom and my relationship went sour...she wouldn't talk to me for months at a time...didn't like the choices I was making (ie dating my now hubby, enrolling/dropping certain classes etc)  Unless I made effort, no real relationship between the two of us.
- through university, relationship stayed the same...unless I made the effort, no communication was really made....
-moved out west and got engaged, suddenly mom wanted to be the proud mother and do everything....that stopped shortly after it started...I did something to piss her off and then communication broke down again...
-moved back to Ontario...similar cycle...our relationship is good for awhile, I do something (or don't do something) then she doesn't talk to me...rinse repeat...

Now that baby is on the way, (for reals this time) I feel like I can't break this cycle.  She was happy for us, and seemed excited...however we didn't really hear much from her.  On Saturday, she took me out for my birthday and bought a lot of things for baby (stroller, bouncy chair, bedding, will be buying carseat).  I was thrilled that she was making such an effort to be apart of this experience for me and baby.

However, yesterday the truth came out.  My step-mom and mother-in-law are throwing a joint shower for my family/friends.  This is what I wanted.  Since my mother has made no effort to get to know any of my friends, doesn't really know hubby's family and has made no effort in getting to know them (only time they have met is at the wedding) it didn't make sense for her to throw one (she doesn't talk to any of her family).  When I asked my mother for her new address as my step-mom needed it for the shower invite, she proceeded to tell me how angry she was that step-mom is throwing a shower.  She feels that it wasn't her place to do so ... that I only have 1 mother and the baby will only have 2 grandmothers - herself and hubby's mother.  She feels that she has taken a back seat long enough and that by being 'liberal (that's her word not mine) she has missed out on the relationship she has wanted with me. She is angry with my father for allowing his wife to throw a shower for me....

I was floored.   Once again...I allowed the vicious cycle to repeat.

You mother never once expressed interest in throwing me a shower. step- mother has been in my life for over 25 years!!! She isn't just a fly by night woman my dad has just picked up.  Her family have been my family for years.  I consider HER nieces and nephews to be my cousins. I have been involved and included in her family affairs more than I have been in my mother's side of the family.   My step-mother KNOWS most of my friends, she and hubby's parents are friends and she and my dad have done social things together with them without hubby and I being present.  She isn't trying to take over a role that doesn't belong to her...she is just being the same person she has always been for me for the past 25 years!

I kinda equate my mother's feelings to that of a toddler who never plays with the blue truck.  The truck can sit there for months without ever being touched or thought about...until another child comes over and goes right for the truck and wants to play with it.  Suddenly the toddler becomes quite enraged and possessive over the blue truck and kicks and screams until he gets his truck back.  This shower is the blue truck.  My mother never would have thrown me a shower (she didn't throw me a wedding shower).  She never would have contacted Hubby's mother to discuss details and arranged a date.  She even told me that she doesn't have any time to throw a shower.  But since step-mom is throwing one, she is very upset.  I just don't get it.

You see...the way I look at things is that this baby is LUCKY to have so many people around him/her to love it and care for it.  My mother shouldn't care who takes the role of or is called long as the person in that role loves, cares for and respects the baby, who cares what role they take?  It seems like everyone, except her, is doing things out of a place of love - where she is doing things out of a place of duty. Now hubby feels all the items she bought baby are tainted and he is concerned that she will try and usurp her role when baby arrives.  It just doesn't make sense.

He saw this all coming and warned me about it.  Of course, I was naive -again for the millionth time - and thought that my mom was really excited and happy for the baby. I wanted her to be apart of this time with me. Apparently, turning 30 still didn't change my naivity  when it comes to her.  Will I ever learn?  Unfortunately, I have zero ability to stand up to my mother.  I hope, that when baby comes and I am protecting my son or daughter, I grow the balls I need to just tell her what needs to be said.

In my heart I know my mother loves me and our baby.  She is just so hell-bent on roles that it really sours the love she shows.  After all this time, you would think that we could all just get along.  I can see a really crazy mess happening in the future where we'll have to have multiple Christamas' and Birthdays' as certain family members wont be there if others are there etc etc.  Ugh.  Sad thing is, no one else has a problem but her.  Everyone else would be happy and okay with her being at the shower and whatever else comes up in the future.

Hoping that turning 30 will make me wiser and be able to stand-up to my mother in the isn't looking so good.
On a more positive note - our baby IS looking GOOD!  here's the latest snap-shot from our 28 week ultrasound yesterday!

 Dragon at 28 weeks 

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Welcome to the 3rd trimester!

Wow - I can hardly believe that I am officially in the 3rd trimester!  This pregnancy thing is definitely for real now!  In 90 days (give or take....hopefully take) I will be meeting our Dragon baby for the first time.  It is such an incredible thing to think about!

In reaching this milestone - I have also reached others in terms of pregnancy symptoms.

Here is a breakdown of how things are going lately:


- Emotional, hormonal surges are on the rise.  Last week, I broke down for no other reason than hubby went back to sleep after he had woken me up.  I was bawling my eyes out...and then when he started to laugh at the ridiculous of the situation, so did I...which made me cry even more.  It was bizarre.  Yesterday, we upgraded my cell phone.  We left the store knowing that things should be up and running in 1 hours time.  When an hour came and went and I had zero cell service, I called customer service.  She told me there was nothing that could be done until a level 2 tech rep called me back in 48 hours.  I then called my provider's account management department - thinking maybe they could check my account and see if it was activated properly.  Well, the guy I spoke with was HORRIBLE.  He ridiculed me for calling back when I had my answer from the previous technician (even though I THOUGHT I was calling 2 separate departments).  He said the only thing a person over the phone can do is tell you to take out the battery and restart your phone.  Anyways, I was so angry at how he treated me, and so upset I started to bawl.  It was aweful!  We finally went to another phone store that was still open, and it was my sim as soon as it was changed around, things were good to go.  What an emotionally exhausting set of events for no real reason! 

- Emotional surges are probably related to my next big symptom - INSOMNIA.  I wake up multiple times a night to pee, and more nights than not, I can't fall back asleep.  Since I need to wake up for 5:15 to get ready in time to teach summer school, it has been BRUTAL.  Last night I slept from 10:30 until 4:00 straight through and feel so much better today.  I can't wait for summer school to be over so I can sleep for the month of August. 

- Back aches and pain are minor.  Overall I can't complain.

- Leg cramps - another culprit for waking me up in the middle of the night.  Horrible leg cramps.  The other night I had one so bad I woke hubby up screaming from it.  He thought I was in labour and then proceeded to freak out.  It was kinda funny now that it is all over with.   I've tried everything to stop them...nothing seems to work.

- Constipation - yup. 

- General feeling of being overwhelmed.  With summer school, finishing the nursery, trying to research labour, and other necessary things, and being apart of this wedding in August, I'm overwhelmed.  I really just need summer school to be over so I can relax.  5 more days.  I don't know how I am going to cope come September when I go back to work :(

2nd trimester went by so fast.  I can't believe it.  I really can't wait to meet this new little one but I feel there is so much to do to prepare.  Hopefully things fall into place quickly over the next couple of weeks! 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

New Look

Playing around with the blog.  The old look was too gloomy for me...given our change of situation (ie we are expecting a baby and not mourning the loss of a pregnancy) I want something a bit fancier.  Blogger is pretty boring - but this will do for now.

Update coming soon.  In 3 days I will be in my 3rd Trimester!!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Baby pool and registry!

So last night I went out and started my registry! So much fun!! I loved picking out items for our little one. I am only having one shower for everyone so I put a lot of items on it. Hopefully people will buy from the registry and not on their own! I also created an online baby pool for people to guess what we are having and when he/she will arrive. If you want in on the fun go to Baby Pool   and fill it out! I think, since hubby thinks it is a boy and I am leaning towards girl, he and I should have this big bet or something....just to make things interesting! However, the wager should be good but I have no idea what we should bet- something baby related...any ideas? Things are still going well. Went for an appointment on Tuesday and everything is right on track. Movements are starting to increase - which I like! Hopefully soon a baby will move around all the time! I am getting so excited to meet this little one and be a mommy!!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Would you bring up your past?

Mel's post about her conversation with her daughter about miscarriage reminded me of our first prenatal class on Monday.  We had to go around the room and talk about our pregnancy and what we liked and didn't like.  I was open and told the group that "given we have had 2 losses, I'm being closely monitored and have a wack of medical appointments, so I would have to use busy to describe my pregnancy". I immediately got 'the look' from hubby and knew I was in for a tongue lashing.  He wasn't impressed I brought up our previous pregnancies with a group of pregnant women and soon to be dads.  It wasn't because I brought up our private history - but rather it was, in his mind, inappropriate and tactless.   

After reading Mel's blog about talking with her daughter while eating noodles at a restaurant, I started thinking about what Hubby said.  I guess it really boils down to how I see the situation.  In my mind, our losses are part of our story on getting where we are.  I can't talk about this pregnancy without mentioning the other 2.  If I were in Mel's shoes, I too would have an open conversation with my child (or anyone) in a public space and not feel guilty or weird about it. It isn't because I have this urge to honour my past babies, but more to talk about the struggles and journey we have been on to get where we are.  I can't just say "oh yea, I love being pregnant" when I'm terrified of something going wrong at each moment.  Hubby really shuts down when we start talking about our past in public.  He will usually change the subject quickly if it comes up when we are out.  I never really understand why.  It my mind, it isn't something to hide.  If talking about our losses makes others uncomfortable, than I don't really care.  I was the one who lived through the hell - not them.  My history isn't a secret and part of how I was able to heal from the past, was by talking about my hurt - to everyone and anyone.  I needed to talk to move forward.  That's why I don't feel it was a wrong choice to bring up our miscarriages at a prenatal class...but now I'm wondering if I am being tactless.  What are your thoughts?

Is our past something I should censor? Or should I be allowed to talk about our journey honestly and openly?

I don't really care about being on the same page as Hubby.  I'm just wondering if maybe he has a point.

All thoughts welcomed :)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Why I hate Anterior Placentas and 24 week update

So my placenta is anterior.  This makes it so I don't feel my baby move all the time.  Right now, at 24 weeks, Dragon is just starting to get strong enough to kick/punch move where I can feel him/her.  Mostly these movements are felt down real my cervix, sometimes on my side, or sometimes not at all.  The placenta acts as a big cushion to soften the blows.  I couldn't WAIT to feel movement and although I do...I feel like I'm being cheated out of this whole experience because I can't feel movement all the time.  I hear other women complain about being kept up all night by baby movements, and I'm saddened because some-days I hardly feel anything (which at 24 weeks is apparently normal).

Also, because a lot of movement is felt down low, it scares me.  I sometimes think I'm having mini-contractions or something weird is happening.  After I spoke with my Dr she assured me that it is normal - baby is just head-butting my cervix.   GREAT!  Also, today my lower uterus feels so full - like a ton of pressure is being put on the lower part of my belly.  It has been uncomfortable.  Since I can't feel movement all the time yet, it makes for more worry than anything else. 

Monday I went for my 24 week ultrasound and it was amazing.  It's so incredible to see how big Dragon has grown in such a short period of time.  It looks like a real, fully formed baby.  Now all he/she has to do is get nice and big!  Baby is head down (hence the head butting my cervix) and his/her spin goes up along my right side of the body - which is prolly why I feel more movement on my left as that's where his/her arms/legs are.  The tech said that baby will stay head down now for the duration of the pregnancy!! Crazy!!  We saw baby kick me and punch me throughout the ultrasound and it was so weird not feeling anything.  Hubby is convinced he saw a penis when the tech was showing us the legs...I wasn't looking. I was just amazed by the head/arms!  So he's pretty certain we are having a boy.  I told him he doesn't know what to look for and she only had the camera at that angle for a few seconds so he's likely confusing the umbilical cord as a penis.  Who knows though!

Last night we went out with my mother-in-law to Ikea to buy the crib.  She was so eager to buy it was borderline pushy!  Hubby and I were talking about bedding for the twin bed that was going to be in the room, and she would pick it up and put it in the cart before we had even decided on anything! He was getting annoyed and although I was enjoying shopping knowing I wouldn't have to pay...I was getting frustrated too.  It was nice to see how happy she was to buy for her first grand-child but it was very odd.  We hadn't talked about a lot of the decisions we were making and he was getting angry at me.  Overall, we ended up getting the bedding and crib and that's it.  She would have bought us the whole Ikea store if we had an excuse as to why we needed it for the baby though!  Her excitement is nice - but scares the hell out of me!  I don't want a hovering mother or mother-in-law around when baby is born...if we can't stop her from spending a ton of the hell are we going to get her to respect our boundaries? 

It is crazy to think I have less than 16 weeks left now until our due date!!  Time is really going by fast!

Dragon at 24 weeks! She/He is sucking his/her thumb!
And a bump shot at 23.5 weeks!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Are you F**king kidding me???

I was browsing through  my brother's facebook page and came across this link.

Would Your Daughter use Abortion just to get Pregnancy Boobs? (Online Poll)

Obviously this isn't from a reliable source AND is a joke - HOWEVER - given that someone has written about it, it obviously was worth some merritt!

Can you believe it?  What the hell is our society coming to when people would even joke about abortions for bigger boobs.  No wonder the U.S and even Canada STILL in 2012 has the ongoing debate about women's rights and abortion.  I am pro-choice - but if there are bimbos out there who would actually, for even a split second, contemplate pregnancy/abortion for the benefits to their chest, it sets the woman race back to cave-man days.  No ... actually in cave-man days I'm sure woman were more intelligent.  The comments in the comment section blew me away more.

I can honestly say that my miscarriages deflated my boobs - not bring them to a voluminousness state.

It sickens me that topics like this could be worth joking about.  Is nothing sacred in this day in age?

Monday, July 2, 2012

A message from above?

This blog may not be some people's cup of tea, however I need to record these events for my own sake to remember.  I haven't really told anyone about this except my neighbour and she agrees it is good to record. It will be long - so kudos to you for reading till the end :)

I have faith, but am not necessarily a follower of any religion in particular.  If you pressed me hard enough, I would say that I believe in the Christian God, but don't necessarily follow the teachings of the bible.  I do believe that the deceased have an ability to communicate with the living if they should choose to do so.  Growing up, my mother would often (and continues to have) have weird paranormal sitings.  She talks about her experiences like she were explaining making dinner. It is just that common so it has been something I have always believed in. 

Going through fertility and pregnancy 'stuff', I have prayed to God, and my Maternal Grandmother to grant us a baby.  During the first 2 pregnancies, I always prayed, but never felt anything in return.  I never felt any presence - but given I have never really had any before, I figured it didn't mean anything. 

With this pregnancy, things have been a little different.  It started driving to work one day and I heard the song by Jason Mraz 'I Wont Give Up'.  I never listen to song lyrics, but in the car the song spoke to me.  I didn't hear the title or the singer so I had no idea how to hear the song again.  I would go on the radio stations website to see if anything would jog my memory - but never had any luck.  I never heard it again until a few weeks later.  In late January when I felt the lowest of the low, I just had a preliminary diagnosis of possible premature ovarian failure AND my mid-40's co-worker just told me she was 4.5 months pregnant, I heard the song come on the radio when I was at my desk bawling my eyes out.  I immediately went on the radio station's website and recorded the name and title.  It was such a huge inspiration for me.  I really felt like I had hit rocked bottom and here this song came on when I needed it the most.  It felt like it was a sign.  The words of the song spoke to me and my situation and I FINALLY let everything go to the universe.  It was refreshing.

 A few weeks later, we found out about the pregnancy, I thought about this moment and questioned whether or not the song was a sign that brighter things were ahead and that I shouldn't give up.  In the early weeks of my pregnancy, when the anxiety and fear became so great I didn't know how to continue, I would hear the song.  It may not have come on the exact moment I had a panic attack, but definitely when I really needed some sign that things were okay.  Below are accounts of hearing this song.  They all happened randomly - when I had no control over what was being played and when:
- a few times in the car when the worry or anxiety became too much to bare
- leading into my first ultrasound
- in the Dr's office going into my 11 week physical, where I heard the fetal heart beat for the first time, - after having a few days of spotting and not knowing if things are okay
- watching t.v on the day of  our 13 week ultrasound and the advertisement for Jason's new album came out (which plays this song) - this was the first time I had ever seen this ad and one of the last times (I watch this particular station all the time)
- After Hubby's mom gave me some mother's day gifts. I was feeling so overwhelmed and apprehensive in receiving gifts not knowing if things were going to be okay. I heard the song via my neighbours radio playing outside.
- and most recently after a visit with my mother and she spoke about her gender predictions and we chatted like this was really going to happen.  In the car home, I became really overwhelmed and started thinking about the 'what-ifs'.  Later that day, I went shopping with a friend and low and behold - the song came on the radio again.

You see - I NEVER hear this song play on the radio with the exception of the few times noted above.  It isn't one of those song that is always being played. One could argue it is coincidental and that I'm only looking for meaning behind it  - but since I have only heard the song when I NEEDED to hear it, I have to believe there is more to it than that.  There are times when I WANT to hear the song, when I would hope the next time I hop in the car it would play - but it never happens that way.  (Obviously, if I want to hear it, I simply YouTube the song - but these random occurrences are more than hearing the words.)  The days when I'm over thinking everything and I think to myself, 'If only I heard the song, then I would relax' are the days I don't hear it.  I only ever hear it when I'm not thinking about it and it just occurs and then I realize it is those moments that I needed to hear it. (If that makes any sense)

 I really feel that this song is a way for someone up above to let me know things are okay.  That I can't give up on this baby - or more importantly, this baby isn't giving up on me :)

For those who don't know the song - I've posted the link below: