Sunday, October 28, 2012

One Year Blog-i-versary

It has been 1 year since I really started to blog.  (I had the blog before, I just never really used it). 

Which means, it has been 1 year since my second miscarriage and my life really turned a different direction. 

1 year ago, I sat on the couch looking for others who have had multiple miscarriages and was looking for hope.  I just found out that our second pregnancy was non-viable and I had taken misoprostal to induce the abortion.  I couldn't believe that this was my story.  As I found others in this community, I realized I was not alone.  There were others, who wore their hearts on their sleeve and underwent serious hardships to make a family.  Some of these ladies are still struggling to get the family of their dreams.  Others, were successful and are now in the throws of mother-hood.

For myself, I am in a weird place.  I am so close to having 'everything I have ever wanted' as many of my co-workers have pointed out time and time again.  However, I'm also still so far away.  My baby isn't here yet so anything is possible.  Also, my body is once again not co-operating by having high blood pressure and not starting to dilate etc to bring the baby to me.  Both of my miscarriages were missed.  In neither situation, did I experience the cramping, bleeding or any other symptom associated with miscarriage.  I found out my babies had died through an ultrasound and needed medical intervention to rid my body of the dead fetus.  Now, sitting her waiting for my baby, I wonder if my body once again will hold onto this pregnancy for dear life.  Does my body want to stay pregnant forever?  Does it even know what it is supposed to do naturally?  If not, does this mean I wont be able to deliver my child? 

It is funny how so many things can change in one year, yet stay the same.  In many ways, I'm still in the same vulnerable position I was a year ago.  This year has been the hardest year of my life.  I have been tested in ways I never thought possible.  My marriage has been tested.  My faith has been tested.  My friendships have been tested.  My relationships with my family have been tested.  In the end,  I don't think I am better off for it.  After the first miscarriage, I saw 'light at the end of the tunnel'.  The second, just threw me into a spiral of self-doubt and vulnerability.  I don't think I will ever be able to view myself or my body the same way.

Today has been rough.  Hubby has commented many times on how confrontational and overly emotional I have been. I reminded him what occurred 1 year from today, and he asked why would I ever bring that up.  It was in the past and I should only be focusing on the baby we will soon be meeting.  I couldn't believe him.  It goes to stand that everyone deals with situations differently.  However, for me, I can't think about this baby, without thinking about the ones I've lost. 

Today I pray that our baby decides to grace us with his/her presence soon.  Tomorrow I see my OB again, and I pray that progress has been made AND my blood pressure is at a level that will allow us to wait a bit longer if need be.  I have been religiously doing exercises from spinning babies and really trying to visualize my baby make his/her way down.  I hope it has helped.  Thank you for those who have commented and sent positive vibes my way.  I also appreciate those who have validated my feelings.  I KNOW a healthy baby is the goal and it ultimately doesn't matter how that happens.  I appreciate everyone who has validated my feelings of loss if I can't give birth to my child on my own. 

I'd like to say that the sun will come out tomorrow and things will look and feel better, however it looks like we are in for quite the storm.  They are calling it the perfect storm.  Two storm fronts meeting up and hitting all the same time. It is very symbolic of how I am feeling.  Today, I am dealing with two different 'storms'.  One of loss and one of hope. I guess I will just have to settle for the idea of sun.  Just how it will come out one day, I know everything will work out the way it should. 

Friday, October 26, 2012


I am very discouraged right now and in need of some positive thoughts/energy sent my way.

Saw my O.B yesterday.  Given my increase swelling before she even examined me she was talking about induction.  Although I didn't want to be induced, I was okay with this topic of conversation given the pain/discomfort I have been feeling.  She then weighed me, and I gained almost 7 pounds in just over a week (red flag number 2).  She then took my blood pressure and it has gone from 100/60 last week to 120/90 this week.  She said that it was high and wouldn't want to see it any higher (the 90 is the issue here I guess).  However, I had no protein in my urine (thank god!)

She then did the internal..thinking I would be at least starting to dilate to then determine the best course of action for induction...boy was she wrong!  Baby has actually gone UP rather than DOWN since last internal.  Baby's head is down, but is sitting kinda sideways - not quite posterior but not anterior either.  She said baby needs to rotate and drop.  She can't induce if baby's head isn't engaged or it wouldn't really do anything. 

I go back on Monday to see where things stand.  As long as my blood pressure doesn't go up...she's willing to allow me to wait.  I never really discussed my birth plans on here, but I really, REALLY do not want interventions - especially a c-section.  I am TERRIFIED of an epidural.  I know a healthy baby is the best outcome, but given all we went through to get here...I would just like to experience a 'normal' delivery.  Even hubby said last night, why can't this one thing be typical. 

So not only does it look like I'll be pregnant forever, but now I'm fearful that my body will fail me in allowing me to have a natural delivery. 

I'm also worried that all this talk, I'm preparing myself for the worst.  I am really needing to 'throw this to the universe' and hope that it will take care of me.  I cannot dwell on the blood pressure issue - because if I do, I know I will inevitably make it so that the worst possible outcome (for me) will happen.  So how do I stay calm and just believe that baby will rotate and drop?  How do I will my blood pressure down and not up?  I have been walking a ton (did 6 kms yesterday) and do many of the exercises out there for getting baby to go into optimal position.  I know I can do more, but I also know that this is something I can't control. 

Please send positive thoughts my way.  I know for some, a c-section is inevitable or even a preferred choice.  I don't begrudge or think poorly of women who go down that road.  I know that if it has to happen, it will happen.  I just want the opportunity to TRY on my own first.  This is important to me...right wrong or indifferent, I know I would feel like a failure if I don't get that chance. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

39 or 40 weeks pregnant

Well after writing my fears down, I felt a ton better. Thanks for those with kind words - it was nice to receive some validation for my feelings!

Today I am technically, according to my due date, 39 weeks pregnant.  However, according to all my measurements and ultrasounds, I'm 40 weeks.  My due date based on my LMP is Nov. 2.  My due date based on dating of my ultrasounds - even from early on - is Oct. 22.  Oct. 29 was a date my Dr and I chose out of thin air, really there was no reasoning for it. I'm hoping baby decides to come closer to Oct. 22 than Nov. 2!

Yesterday we went for a big hike.  Felt amazing to be outside in the crisp fall air, hiking amongst the leaves.  Hubby and I have been for a few really great hikes, I feel walking to get this baby out has really allowed for us  to spend some quality time with each other doing something we love to do!  Yesterday afternoon/evening, I was having some pretty serious contractions.  I thought for sure they were the real deal and not Braxton Hicks.  Unfortunately, right after I messaged the doula to let her know what's going on, things slowed down.  I had a big one again at midnight and then nothing for the rest of the night.  It was so anticlimactic!  Hubby and I were really excited that this could have been it!  Being so close to my 'potential' due date makes me think things could happen at any moment.  I really am excited to meet this little one! I want to hold him/her in my arms so badly!!

As for symptoms - things are pretty much status quo.  My hands/wrists are still my worse complaint by far.  Yesterday my joints in my fingers were so swollen I couldn't make a fist.  I definitely think it is related to dehydration, however, I drank almost 4 liters of water alone yesterday and things only improved marginally.  Hopefully my hands go back to normal once baby comes. 

I see my OB again on Thurs.  Hopefully I'll get some indication of when baby could come - however, I know I could be dilated for a few weeks before anything happens! LOL

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I need to get some things off my chest.  In the early stages of this pregnancy, I would write my fears down and suddenly, a day or so later everything seemed a lot less overwhelming and intense.  I'm hoping, now, the same effect will happen.

Ever since Monday, after reading really beautiful and touching stories of women who have lost, not only pregnancies, but infants, I have been terrified of loosing my baby.  For the past 2 nights, I have woken up at 3 am and all I can do is worry.  I am terrified that the baby will die before I go into labour or worse, it will die during labour.  I've researched the data, and almost 1800 cases of still-births happen each year in Ontario - the national average being 6.4 for every 1000.  For some reason, I thought researching the likely-hood will give me comfort - instead it has made me worry even more. 

I'm also paranoid - given my field of work - something will happen during labour that will cause permanent injury to my child.  In my  job, Cerebral Palsey is very common.  Out of 40 students who are in our program, 4 or 5 have CP.  Now there are many ways an infant will get CP, and there are varying degrees of it, but the most common is loss of oxygen during birth causing sever physical and potential mental disabilities.  If labour takes a long time, especially transition, I will be worried the entire time that I'm causing harm to my baby. 

I've always wanted a natural delivery with no interventions.  Now, the fear of loosing my baby is so great that I have contemplated taking interventions just to have a healthy baby. 

I was 1 in 4 who experienced miscarriage twice.  During the first two pregnancies, I was terrified of having a miscarriage and when I did, my world came crashing down.  Now, I'm terrified of loosing my baby.  Is this just an irrational fear or could it be a premonition of something to come.  I'm sure there have been women who experience a wonderful pregnancy to have their world come to an end when their child is born asleep. 

I am hoping that this is a 'normal' fear given everything I have been through and not indicative of something to come.  I'm hoping by writing my fears down, I can move on and focus on the beauty of what is to come.  I just pray that it happens sooner rather than later because in my mind, the sooner the baby comes, the better chance he/she will have of survival. 

Did anyone else have these irrational fears?  If so, how did you cope?  How did you move on and enjoy the experience.  Why does this pregnancy have to be so filled with worry and anxiety?  I wish I could be oblivious like many women I know :(

Monday, October 15, 2012

Today I Remember . . .

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  This day is very significant for me for a few reasons:
- today I remember the 2 babies I have lost
- today marks the year anniversary (almost to the day) of finding out our 2nd baby wasn't viable
- today I am 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant and am hoping and praying the baby inside will soon greet me with his/her presence and be healthy

For some, miscarriage happens and life goes on.  Yes it was a sad time in one's life, but it doesn't alter or shape their life in any way in-particular.   For me, my losses have shaped my life and turned it on a different course completely.  Having difficulties conceiving, and then loosing 2 pregnancies in such a short period of time, has altered who I have become, how I lived through this pregnancy, and how I will mother.  I can't talk about this baby without talking about my losses.  They are part-in-parcel of one another.  Some say, everything happens for a reason, and that my losses will have a 'silver lining' eventually.  I am not sure I believe that.  Each time I saw a double red line on a pregnancy test, I was in-love.  Our first baby, we saw a heart-beat flickering on a screen - we were ecstatic.  Our second pregnancy, or our phantom baby, didn't progress beyond a yolk sac, however the hopes of him/her replacing (yes I thought it would replace) the baby we had lost was so strong.  That THIS pregnancy would make everything right  - made my world crumble and fall apart when we realized that all my hopes and dreams were gone.  When we got unexpectedly pregnant a third time, even-though things were different from the start, I could never be comfortable or happy until well into my 3rd trimester.  My previous experiences stole the ability for me to be a happy pregnant woman away from me.  Even now, I worry that something is wrong with the baby and that I will become another statistic.  I pray every day that this baby is born healthy and strong.

My losses will shape the way I mother.  Although I wanted to be a mom, otherwise we wouldn't have gone down the TTC road, I don't think I would have been as grateful if we had conceived right away and carried to term.  I wouldn't cherish the life growing inside as much as I am now.  I KNOW how miraculous life is and how difficult it is to make and carry a baby.  This baby is so loved and desired - much like the other two were - but the difference being, we know how precious life is.  This baby will know of his/her angel siblings.  He/she will help tend the garden planted in their honour and will know how much they were loved.  Although they did not make it earthside, they are apart of our family - and will always be apart of our family.

Today I light a candle and say a prayer for my 2 angel babies who have shaped the person I am.  I am certain they were looking out for their brother/sister here on earth and helping him/her grow.  Please continue to bless us little ones and know that you were and are loved and remembered every day. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Waiting Game

Well it is hard to believe that I'm sitting here at 37.5 week pregnant.  I'll be 38 on Sunday.  My last ultrasound showed baby was measuring a week ahead (which I think is more in line to my original dates anyways) so I could be close to 39 weeks pregnant.  Either way, I'm full term and Dragon can come out at ANY time to greet us with his/her presence. 

Hubby and I are so anxiously waiting for this moment - however I don't think baby is ready yet.  I don't really think I've dropped that much.  I haven't felt that 'lightening' everyone talks about.  My CM is definitely increased - which is a good sign however I think it will be a few weeks yet. 

This past weekend was our anniversary.  Here in Canada it was Thanksgiving weekend and we were actually married on Thanksgiving 5 years ago.  We spent the night in the same hotel we spent our wedding night in.  It was amazing!!  Only 20 min from home, we were able to just relax and enjoy one another.  I was really, really hoping baby would come on our anniversary weekend - but I guess he/she had other plans.

I'm now done work.  Dr wanted me off due to increase blood pressure and swelling.  I was ready!!  This week has been busy going to different appointments and such.  Today nesting may have set in a bit, but I haven't really felt the urge to clean everything in site.  I'm still pretty tired and sore.  My wrists/hands are the worst!!  I think I have pregnancy induced carpel tunnel/arthritis.  My joints ache and I have a shooting numbness that goes through my entire hand if I put too much pressure on it.  Nights are the worst and since I wake up multiple times to pee and need to use my hands to prop myself out of becomes rather painful.  Hubby has now moved to the spare room so that he can at least get a good night's sleep.

Hubby is very excited to meet the baby.  He keeps telling me to 'pop it out already' as he wants to see what he/she will look like.  It breaks my heart every time he says that.  I am so excited to meet this little one too.  I'm hoping I go into labour on my own and everything goes as I have planned.  I am seeing my natropath each week in hopes she can help speed things up a bit.  I guess time will tell :)