Not so final

So last time I posted I was pretty certain I had a chemical pregnancy.  The latest test I took was light.  I was starting to spot and lost all symptoms very quickly.  However, over the weekend, the spotting stopped and I was starting to feel crummy again so I took another test on Monday.  Sure enough - the test line went positive within seconds of taking the test and it was darker than the control line.  I was in fact pregnant. So last week I began to have hope.  I started to dream once again of my future family.  I went to my counselor and was pretty okay with how things were going.  Then on Thurs I started to bleed. Not brown spotting - but bright red blood.  It wasn't just when I wiped either - my undies were covered.  I was devastated and figured that was it.  Not only was I bleeding, but I had menstrual like cramps - specifically to one side.  Friday I took the day off work and headed to emerg.  Since I am not being seen by my fertility specialist, I am kinda in a no-man's land.  A once infertile, with a history of repeat pregnancy loss.   I know too much for my own good and I focus on all that could be rather than stick to the facts of what I know.  My family Dr doesn't know much and to get tests done, I would be waiting days for results.  So I sat in Emerg for 6 hours yesterday.  I found out that I am pregnant.  There is a sac in my uterus (no ectopic which I was really scared for) and my HCG levels are in line with someone being 5 weeks pregnant. They don't test for progesterone in Emerg - so now I have to beg my family Dr for progesterone supplements.  That's the only thing I can think of that's causing the bleeding.  I have been taking wild yam (a natural progesterone booster) and it seems to help a bit .. but I still bleed in the evenings.  The ultrasound showed no bleeding in my uterus so for all they know, this could be a viable pregnancy (but once again...I know too much to know that it isn't that easy).  I am supposed to connect with my family dr for another ultrasound in 1 -2 weeks time.  I hate ultrasounds so much...I really didn't want to go through with all of that worry this time around. 


Last night, not only did I start bleeding again (it had stopped by mid-morning) but I came down with a horrendous headache. The only time in any of my pregnancies I had a horrific headache like that was when I miscarried.  So now I'm wondering if it is a sigh of what's to come.  But, I'm trying to stay positive and know that headaches are common with pregnancy and just because you didn't have one with H, doesn't mean this pregnancy will end in miscarriage also. 


I'm really, REALLY trying to keep my anxiety at bay.  I guess I'm also trying to stay a bit more detached from the whole thing. My counselor summed it up pretty good - this time around I'm not fearful of weather or not I will be a mother, cause I am. I'm more afraid of my body failing me for the 3rd time.  I want this baby...but there isn't so much riding on it as there was when I was pregnant with H.  So we'll see.  I am hoping and praying things turned out. 

Please send positive sticky vibes my way  I need all the support I can muster!