4 Pregnancies 1 Baby

My track record for getting pregnant and maintaining a pregnancy isn't too good. 

I am currently awaiting my 3rd loss.

Last week, I was starting to feel odd.  Extrememly tired.  Ravenously hungry and nauseous if I didn't eat.  Then my nipples started to scream in pain every time Hannah latched.  I wasn't due for my period until today, but I couldn't resist.  Last Sunday at 5 pm I took a test. It was positive.  It wasn't even a faint line.  It was very clearly a positive test.  I was shocked and happy.  At around 9 pm, I went to the washroom and there was some spotting.  Hubby and I talked and I applied some wild yam cream on to help with progesterone support and decided since I wasn't being seen by the fertility clininc, that it would be too difficult to get progesterone cream.  I also decided I didn't want all that added stress.  I would let things happen the way they were going to happen.

Monday afternoon I took another test - positive.

Tues morning took another test - Very dark positive.  The symptoms were pretty strong.  I even posted a message on one of my mommy groups asking for advice on how to survive morning sickness when I can't snack on crackers as I need to take my thyroid meds.  Of course, by publicly annoucment my pregnancy and symptoms, I jynxed everything.  By Wed evening, my symptoms started to disappear one by one.  First the boobs, then the nausea, then the exhaustion.  By Thursday evening I had a sneaking suspicion what was happening.    With the sudden drop of all symptoms, I felt a miscarriage was immenent.

Friday morning another test - faint line.  Lighter than the Monday afternoon test. 


I am having some mild cramps on my left side (the same as I had with H) but I'm a bit scared about an ectopic pregnancy. However, it has to be too early. This has to be a checmical pregnancy no?

I am so sad.  I figured I had an ureaplasma and under-active thyroid with the first 2 losses.  I have also had a healthy pregnancy.  I figure my body should know what to do. 

But ... I sit here now.  Waiting .... hoping... my body knows what the fuck it needs to do to expel a pregnancy. Cause god knows it does a piss poor job of maintaining one. 


Feel very sad....but so grateful I have Hannah to squeeze.  It hurts. I'm mad.  I'm sad.  I wonder 'why me'.  Why the fuck did I even get pregnant....complete with all the classic symptoms...only to loose it.  But I do have Hannah.  I have to stay strong for her.  I have to be thankful I have her. 

Why does making a family have to be so hard....when for so many others it is so fucking easy?