Monday, January 14, 2013

Just Letting Go

This is my 3rd attempt to write a reflection post on 2012 and think about what I want for 2013.  (Yea I'm a bit behind on the New Years Resolution Post).

I think the best thing I could do in 2012 was just let go.  I  am a classic type A personality.  I desperately want to try to control everything - my job, my life, my husband.  So that I know what to expect.  My husband would say I am very negative  - however, I think the negativity is a curtain for anxiety.  It sounds like I am so doom and gloom because I'm stressing out about things I cannot control.  Early on in 2012 I was miserable.  I was still grieving our 2nd loss, and then I got hit with a potentially devastating (for me) diagnosis - Premature Ovarian Failure.  This meant that when I thought my testing was over, I had to continue to go back for cycle day 3 blood work and ultrasounds to measure my FSH levels and see how many follicles I was producing.  I was a mess.  I remember the day when all hell broke loose.  I was at work during a PD Day. There were no Educational Assistants or students in my room.  I was working on something at my desk and my 40+ year old co-worker came into my room and told me she was 4 months pregnant.  I lost it.  I am not usually a crier, but when she left I broke down and sobbed.  I hit rock bottom that day.  After, I vowed that I couldn't control our fertility situation any longer.  I vowed that what was going to happen would happen and I just let go.  I let go of the pain, of the stress, of the anxiety of the control.  I threw it out to the universe and just prayed that our dreams would come true.  I had 2 weeks of peace and tranquility and then started to become horribly tired.  A week later, I peed on a stick and found out we were pregnant!  Letting go helped us achieve our dreams.

The pregnancy was difficult.  Very stressful and wrought with anxiety.  As many of my followers know, I stressed over every twinge and pain (or lack there of).  However, later on (maybe closer to 20 weeks), I let go of (most) of my stress and started to enjoy the pregnancy.  Up until the last 6 weeks, I enjoyed the feeling of being pregnant and all that came with it.

When my due date was looming, I tried to control everything about when it would happen.  I tried herbs and acupuncture and sex and different exercise moves - of course none of it worked.  I was convinced I would have my baby in October early.  Of course, when I let go of trying to control when it would happen, it happened all on its own and my beautiful daughter was born. When she had to go to the NICU for a whole in her lung, I knew that I couldn't control  things in life.  The weeks following her birth, as I struggled with feeling so overwhelmed with feeding and other issues pertaining to a new born, I once again realized that I had to just let go and try not to control my new born daughter. 

Now 2013 is here, I'm trying to follow the lessons of the past year.  In more than 1 situation, things got better when I just let go and went with the flow.  Getting stressed or anxious over things I can't control makes the situation worse - not better.  Easy-going isn't in my nature unfortunately so this lesson is a hard one to remember. However, Rome wasn't built in a day, and sometimes it takes awhile to make progress.  So now, I'm taking one day at a time (trying to at least) and remembering that there are always good days and bad days so take what you get and know tomorrow can change.  In terms of where I want 2013 to go - I have no idea.  For the first time in YEARS I'm not planning on where my life will be in a year's time.  I know my baby will grow and learn and will be in a different place than where she is today.  However, I'm not planning my life around where she'll be.  I'm not looking forward to a pregnancy or wishing for one...I'm just trying to enjoy what I have.  Some say 2012 would be the best year of my life - with the birth of my daughter...but I may argue 2013 may be the year I grow and learn with my daughter!

(This post has taken me a week to write!! Things definitely take more time with a little one!)

1 comment:

  1. "I think the negativity is a curtain for anxiety."

    This is SO right on. It's hard to appear positive when you're constantly picturing the many ways everything can go wrong.