You know that feeling when a good friendship seems to be slipping away - even though it feels like nothing you have done has changed? There is no longer conversation initiated by the friend, suggestions to get together are met with non-committal responses. There seems to be judgement in the tone in which you are being spoken to...
That's me right now with one of my friends. A good friend.
I know she is going through her own shit - a surprise second pregnancy while still dealing with the trauma from her first birth. Knowing a VBAC will be a fight given the short time between the 2 births.
I know that I have been extra 'needy' lately as I have gone through a lot of shit and a-ha moments. I also am one who turns to girl friends to vent/get things out and process. Hubby isn't really a talker and is to pragmatic and a realist to help me process the emotional stuff.
So what I assume has happened is that she is needing to distance herself from me as she deals with her own shit.
It makes me sad and angry. Sad that instead of distancnig herself, she doesn't turn to me for support. I have always offered. Sad that she likely feels she can't turn to me.
Angry cause I have done this to a good friendship. I have put my crap all on her....part of it was in hopes of maintaining the connection. You know the OMG - I am so miserable...my eye is swollen shut from pink eye - kind of posts.
I am angry I didn't censor myself.
I am angry I am such a Debbie Downer that I potentially ruined a great friendship.
This mom and I met when I was off on mat-leave. Our kids are just a few weeks apart. We went through the throws of nursing struggles, sleepless night and sleep regressions together. Now its like her first child doesn't exist (she never speaks about him) and that she is just focussing on getting her VBAC.
Why couldn't I have been more supportive?
Man - I feel like such a fucking idiot.
Sucks that those feelings of being unwanted, and being dismissed that occured when I was a child still resurface now as an adult.
I wish I could get a handle on these feelings.
Tomorrow is mother's day. I need to celebrate the fact that I am a mother to one amazing little girl!
Sorry for such a downer post - I needed a place to vent :)