Thursday, May 1, 2014

Second Time Around....

Is JUST as hard as the first. 

When I was struggling with infertility before H - I thought that if I could only get pregnant and have a baby my life would be complete.  It wouldn't matter if I could only have 1....I would be satisfied.


Funny how a really wonky cycle and no ovulation makes you realize the truth.

My family isn't complete with one.  Maybe if I had my perfect birth without the trauma, I would be satisfied.  I doubt it though.  I need another baby.  Hubby and I talk about another baby as if it is in our immediate future.  Its not 'IF' we have another...its when.  But then this 35 day cycle without ovulation comes along and I wonder.... maybe we should be talking in 'ifs' and not 'whens'.

I vowed I wouldn't get caught up in the mind-trap this time around.  I would trust my body, trust the universe and succumb to what is meant for me and my family.  I am really, really trying to do that.  But its hard when people around you are making pregnancy announcements.  When friends get pregnant while preventing.  When I hear women talk about their charts and they are so predictable they can know 3 months in advance when they would be ovulating/menstruating.

When I heard people talk about secondary infertility, a part of me thought them selfish.  Thought that at least you HAVE a baby to love.  Now I know.  Even thought its only been technically 6 months since my cycle resumed - I know its not going to be easy.  And the struggles we will face the second time around will be as real, as painful as the first. 

When your family isn't complete - your family isn't complete.  Yes I am BEYOND grateful for my daughter.  I thank the universe daily for the wonderful amazing gift I was given.  I am blessed with the ability to be a mother.  I know that I am lucky.  Maybe in time I will be able to accept that she maybe it.  There are parts of  me that are okay if that is our future...but right now, I'm not there yet fully.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Not knowing how difficult things can be maybe easier than knowing the struggles and heartache we may face.

But then again...maybe next month we'll be lucky?  Today is May Day.  The celebration of fertility. 

Wishing everyone in the trenches a fertile May!

No comments:

Post a Comment