Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A new year older - but none wiser

Saturday was my big 3-0 birthday.  It is funny to reflect on where this year has taken me.  Last year, I was horribly depressed, still recovering from our first loss.  In trying to get over the loss, I was hell-bent and determined to get pregnant again pronto.  In Aug, while camping I became horribly sick with a sever case of strep-throat.  Even though we were camping with friends and I felt like hell, it didn't stop me from forcing Hubby to do the baby dance with me in the showers as I had a positive OPT test earlier that day.  Looking back, I was nuts! I couldn't swallow, could barely stand, and we had to sneak into the shower stall without bringing attention to ourselves so that we could DTD.  No wonder we didn't get pregnant - desperate much?   Would have been a great story though if it had worked out ;)

Anyways, a year later, I'm not sure how much wiser I've become.  Although I'm now at a stage in my pregnancy where I'm (mostly) confident I will bring home a baby in the next 3 months or so, I still grapple with emotional heartache as I always have.  It usually stems from my mother.

I'll give you the coles notes version in bullets below:
- parents divorced when I was 3 - mom and dad had joint custody but my brother and I lived with my mother and visited my father every-other weekend
-at 16 - I moved in with dad to gain a new peer group as I couldn't fit in at school
- after moving in with dad - mom and my relationship went sour...she wouldn't talk to me for months at a time...didn't like the choices I was making (ie dating my now hubby, enrolling/dropping certain classes etc)  Unless I made effort, no real relationship between the two of us.
- through university, relationship stayed the same...unless I made the effort, no communication was really made....
-moved out west and got engaged, suddenly mom wanted to be the proud mother and do everything....that stopped shortly after it started...I did something to piss her off and then communication broke down again...
-moved back to Ontario...similar cycle...our relationship is good for awhile, I do something (or don't do something) then she doesn't talk to me...rinse repeat...

Now that baby is on the way, (for reals this time) I feel like I can't break this cycle.  She was happy for us, and seemed excited...however we didn't really hear much from her.  On Saturday, she took me out for my birthday and bought a lot of things for baby (stroller, bouncy chair, bedding, will be buying carseat).  I was thrilled that she was making such an effort to be apart of this experience for me and baby.

However, yesterday the truth came out.  My step-mom and mother-in-law are throwing a joint shower for my family/friends.  This is what I wanted.  Since my mother has made no effort to get to know any of my friends, doesn't really know hubby's family and has made no effort in getting to know them (only time they have met is at the wedding) it didn't make sense for her to throw one (she doesn't talk to any of her family).  When I asked my mother for her new address as my step-mom needed it for the shower invite, she proceeded to tell me how angry she was that step-mom is throwing a shower.  She feels that it wasn't her place to do so ... that I only have 1 mother and the baby will only have 2 grandmothers - herself and hubby's mother.  She feels that she has taken a back seat long enough and that by being 'liberal (that's her word not mine) she has missed out on the relationship she has wanted with me. She is angry with my father for allowing his wife to throw a shower for me....

I was floored.   Once again...I allowed the vicious cycle to repeat.

You mother never once expressed interest in throwing me a shower. step- mother has been in my life for over 25 years!!! She isn't just a fly by night woman my dad has just picked up.  Her family have been my family for years.  I consider HER nieces and nephews to be my cousins. I have been involved and included in her family affairs more than I have been in my mother's side of the family.   My step-mother KNOWS most of my friends, she and hubby's parents are friends and she and my dad have done social things together with them without hubby and I being present.  She isn't trying to take over a role that doesn't belong to her...she is just being the same person she has always been for me for the past 25 years!

I kinda equate my mother's feelings to that of a toddler who never plays with the blue truck.  The truck can sit there for months without ever being touched or thought about...until another child comes over and goes right for the truck and wants to play with it.  Suddenly the toddler becomes quite enraged and possessive over the blue truck and kicks and screams until he gets his truck back.  This shower is the blue truck.  My mother never would have thrown me a shower (she didn't throw me a wedding shower).  She never would have contacted Hubby's mother to discuss details and arranged a date.  She even told me that she doesn't have any time to throw a shower.  But since step-mom is throwing one, she is very upset.  I just don't get it.

You see...the way I look at things is that this baby is LUCKY to have so many people around him/her to love it and care for it.  My mother shouldn't care who takes the role of or is called long as the person in that role loves, cares for and respects the baby, who cares what role they take?  It seems like everyone, except her, is doing things out of a place of love - where she is doing things out of a place of duty. Now hubby feels all the items she bought baby are tainted and he is concerned that she will try and usurp her role when baby arrives.  It just doesn't make sense.

He saw this all coming and warned me about it.  Of course, I was naive -again for the millionth time - and thought that my mom was really excited and happy for the baby. I wanted her to be apart of this time with me. Apparently, turning 30 still didn't change my naivity  when it comes to her.  Will I ever learn?  Unfortunately, I have zero ability to stand up to my mother.  I hope, that when baby comes and I am protecting my son or daughter, I grow the balls I need to just tell her what needs to be said.

In my heart I know my mother loves me and our baby.  She is just so hell-bent on roles that it really sours the love she shows.  After all this time, you would think that we could all just get along.  I can see a really crazy mess happening in the future where we'll have to have multiple Christamas' and Birthdays' as certain family members wont be there if others are there etc etc.  Ugh.  Sad thing is, no one else has a problem but her.  Everyone else would be happy and okay with her being at the shower and whatever else comes up in the future.

Hoping that turning 30 will make me wiser and be able to stand-up to my mother in the isn't looking so good.
On a more positive note - our baby IS looking GOOD!  here's the latest snap-shot from our 28 week ultrasound yesterday!

 Dragon at 28 weeks 


  1. Ugh. This is a hard one. Logically you know what's going on, but it still stings. Because your mom is your mom. Hence the reason we hope that things will be different.

    Give yourself a couple of days before you respond to this. The shock from being hit once again is going to take a little bit to recover from. Once you do, though, I'm sure you'll know how to respond.

    In the meantime, remember that this really doesn't have anything to do with you. As much as we would love to change our mothers, it's a matter of simply trying to live with them with as little fallout as possible.

  2. Beautiful baby Amanda! Just a gorgeous face! :)

    Im sorry about the trouble with your mom. Try not to let it taint this amazing time celebrating the baby. I dont think parents should mind f#@$ their kids and manipulate their emotions. Its sad that her love for you is conditional on you putting forth tthe effort. It ia her loss if she wont show up to the shower! Youre 18 weeks for godsake when was she planning on throwing you a shower? Shes being childish just as you said.

  3. Happy Birthday! I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I just learned how to stand up to my mom a couple years ago. I don't take her shit anymore and I realize things are her problem not mine and I separate myself from it till she gets it and works it out herself. My besties mom was like that. Threw a huge shower for her sister who got pregnant by accident by a man who abuses her (now on 3rd oops baby)and didn't say a word about throwing one for my bestie who did everything in order. I called her a few times and asked her about it, but never got any call backs so I took it upon myself to throw her one. When I sent the invite to her she got pissed at me that I was throwing one, but still had no intention on doing it. She didn't come, never gave a gift and the party was awesome. My bestie was so upset when she thought her mom wasn't throwing her a shower. I was so happy that only a week later I surprised her.