Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Well she's gone...

My good night sleeper is gone and nowhere to be found.  I have made myself sick over this.  I even went to the hospital and talked to a PPD social worker about my feelings.  I haven't been able to eat or stop crying.  She told me that it was serious sleep deprivation and not PPD causing my problems get sleep and everything will work out fine.  So last night, Hannah curled up beside me like she always does and nursed to sleep. Her and I fell asleep together and when daddy tried to transfer her, she woke up the first time but stayed sleeping the second only to wake up an hour later.  So, instead of fighting with her, I brought her into my little cocoon and there she and I both slept all night long.  Her suckling me for comfort/food and me holding her tight.  When my boob fell out of her mouth, she would let me know and I would help her relatch and we would both fall asleep. At 5:00 I thought that this had to end, and she would sleep in her own bed. I was successful at transferring her into her bassinet, however she was incredibly restless. She wasn't happy being by herself, so I opted to bring her back into bed with me and she mellowed out.  By doing this, I didn't get a single moment of time for myself (normally she would sleep for another 3 hours after waking where I could pump and just have 'me' time) but we were both well rested.  This has made the world of difference.  I emailed our sleep consultant about her sleep regression to see what she says.  Her response was defensive saying she has never heard a baby regress so badly from starting a sleep training regime (especially one that was aborted so quickly). She told me that since I'm not getting sleep anyways, that I should plow through and do the sleep training program so that I can get sleep again in a weeks time.  I partially believe her..however, something in my gut is telling me that my daughter NEEDS me right now. Either trying to separate her from me for a weekend (for naps) caused some separation anxiety or it is completely unrelated but I think she is telling me she needs to be with her mommy right now.  I am the one with the issue - not her. She sleeps for 2+ hours at a time in the ergo carrier and last night she slept all night long - didn't get up to cry or need consoling. So really I'm the one with the issue.  I was surprised with our consultants response - as she also identifies herself as an attachment parent and puts on attachment parenting workshops too.  If she was an attachment parent expert, wouldn't she have suggested that she is just needing mommy right now and to keep the training on hold...not rush into it?

Sleeping is such a 'hot' topic and I have literally made myself sick with worry.  Everyone else is making me feel I'm doing something 'wrong' by wearing my daughter and co-sleeping.  I may change my mind next week - but for right now I think I'll try and put myself intune with my daughter and listen to what she is trying to tell me.   


  1. Oh honey, that sounds so rough, and you're right that you need the support for what you feel right now. I'd say go ahead and follow your gut! Other people may be wrong, but it's easier to make your own mistakes than to wreak the havoc of other people's mistakes. Please try not to worry yourself sick. I know tons of people who tune with their kids and have no problems. Also, if it's going to make you less stressed, chances are that will transfer to her too. Hugs!

  2. Oh, yes you have to follow your heart on this one! Time to let that sleep consultant go. She is still so little you have to do what you have to do to get some sleep for both of you. Lack of sleep will drive you crazy, you need your rest.

    I slept like that yesterday on the couch with Ever after her vaccines. She just wanted to sleep and comfort nurse and I wanted to lay on my side and nap too (we don't normally do this in bed for fear of me crushing her), and it was a heavenly afternoon. So cuddly.

    You will only have this time in your life to be this close with her. You are doing a fine job. When you get some sleep you will be able to reassess and try again, but maybe a different method. Maybe when you are less stressed, Hannah will let you put her down more. She may feel the stress and separation, and need you like you said.

    I have to remind myself DAILY that it is important for my baby to feed on demand and its okay and even good for her to comfort nurse. The rest of society makes me feel like I'm doing somehing wrong, but it feels right to me to put her back to the breast when she wants, even if someone can't hold her, or we are in public, whatever, she needs ME! And it feels damn good.

  3. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I say put it on the back burner and just do what you need to right now. There is always time for sleep training, but if you're losing your mind with stress it's not a good time to try it. Hang in there. She WILL sleep someday : )

  4. I'm so sorry you've lost your nighttime sleeper and I disagree completely with your sleep consultant. If co-sleeping is what gets you and baby more sleep then that's what you should do! I loved co-sleeping and fully support any family that it works for, I only ever stopped because suddenly it was resulting in us getting SO much less sleep, had that not happened I never would have willingly stopped. Your babe is still so little, try not to worry so much about sleep training just yet!

  5. I found your blog through PAIL and just wanted to comment on this post. My daughter is now almost 14 months old. But, at 4 months, we went through the same thing. She would sleep just fine next to me but once I tried to transfer her, all hell broke loose. We ended up co-sleeping (and still do) after MUCH research about doing so safely (we even changed pediatricians, finding one who would support our decision so that I could ask questions without getting a lecture about not co-sleeping). We all get more sleep and are happier for it. Hang in there, it does get better. Just do what YOU feel is best for you and your family. No one knows your daughter like you do, so go with your gut.