Sunday, February 3, 2013
The real birth
I found this saying on a Facebook parenting site I follow. I saw it on a day where I was feeling conflicted with my duties as a parent and desires as an individual. A bunch of friends were getting together and I desperately wanted to go see them, but I needed to stay home and be with my baby who has her first cold. The decision was obvious, but my feelings of wanting to just leave her and go were so strong. I felt guilty for wanting to leave my sick baby. Then I read this...it seemed so enlightening. I am really struggling right now with the tasks of becoming a mother. My hubby and I argue because I feel he can go about his daily life and enjoy her when he feels like it, but I don't have a choice or an ability to hand her off and go about the things I would like to do.
The birth of a mother is such a novel concept. For some, I think it is natural. For others it is learned. When you have dealt with IF and miscarriage like I have, you think that since motherhood is so desperately sought after, it would be natural. For me it hasn't been. Breastfeeding, although it comes with a huge amount of anxiety and struggles, has forced me to become an attached parent. It has forced me to put my selfish desires aside and focus on the needs of my daughter. However, I still struggle, sometimes hourly, with the level of commitment and work that go along with being a mother. I am so NEEDED all the time. Sometimes that is such a wonderful feeling, other times it is so exhausting I just want to run away.
My actual labour was easy. 9 hours from start to finish. No drugs. Not really that much pain. Her after-birth and all the health complications she endured were much harder then pushing her out. Although my labour was easy, I think, almost 13 weeks in, my soul is still trying to give birth to the mother inside me. Unlike actual labour where medical interventions can speed things along and take away the pain, this labour I have to do all on my own and nothing can stop the pain. Some days I think I have made huge strides, and then others I feel like I am back at the beginning. I guess that's why it takes a year right?