I found this saying on a Facebook parenting site I follow. I saw it on a day where I was feeling conflicted with my duties as a parent and desires as an individual. A bunch of friends were getting together and I desperately wanted to go see them, but I needed to stay home and be with my baby who has her first cold. The decision was obvious, but my feelings of wanting to just leave her and go were so strong. I felt guilty for wanting to leave my sick baby. Then I read this...it seemed so enlightening. I am really struggling right now with the tasks of becoming a mother. My hubby and I argue because I feel he can go about his daily life and enjoy her when he feels like it, but I don't have a choice or an ability to hand her off and go about the things I would like to do.
The birth of a mother is such a novel concept. For some, I think it is natural. For others it is learned. When you have dealt with IF and miscarriage like I have, you think that since motherhood is so desperately sought after, it would be natural. For me it hasn't been. Breastfeeding, although it comes with a huge amount of anxiety and struggles, has forced me to become an attached parent. It has forced me to put my selfish desires aside and focus on the needs of my daughter. However, I still struggle, sometimes hourly, with the level of commitment and work that go along with being a mother. I am so NEEDED all the time. Sometimes that is such a wonderful feeling, other times it is so exhausting I just want to run away.
My actual labour was easy. 9 hours from start to finish. No drugs. Not really that much pain. Her after-birth and all the health complications she endured were much harder then pushing her out. Although my labour was easy, I think, almost 13 weeks in, my soul is still trying to give birth to the mother inside me. Unlike actual labour where medical interventions can speed things along and take away the pain, this labour I have to do all on my own and nothing can stop the pain. Some days I think I have made huge strides, and then others I feel like I am back at the beginning. I guess that's why it takes a year right?
Thank you so much for posting this. I know I will need to save this and look back at it. It addresses my biggest fear as I quickly approach the birth of my child. I know the sacrifice won't come naturally to me. I will have to work. This explains the process beautifully.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this all the time. How do I become the selfless mother I need to be while still keeping myself? Why does my husband get to come home from work, make dinner and go to bed while I don't get a break? I feel like I am learning but like you said, huge strides then back at the beginning. Thanks for bringing this up.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing, thanks so much for sharing it. As we creep towards Alex's first birthday, I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head about his first year and how it has changed me so much!
ReplyDeleteIt's so true, I am still learning how to be a mother. I knew it would be a reality shift but had no idea what it would really look like. The hardest part is maintaining a balance between being a MOM ALL THE TIME while also still being myself. Like right now, I'm futzing on the computer and having a snack while the babies nap instead of folding the laundry, and THAT IS OKAY (I keep telling myself...) because the laundry can wait and I need a break. (Also it turns out babies love laundry folding time, so that is a plus - a two for one activity!)
ReplyDeleteThanks for postin this! I'm also struggling with the loss of autonomy that comes with being mother to a baby and the 24/7 job of being needed - especially since my husband commutes to work, keeping him out of the house for 13 hours each day (now that the little huy has started to go to bed earlier, he never sees his dad at all unless it's homeoffice day or the weekend). It's ok on good days, but on days like today, with a baby that's fussy all day after a night of very little sleep, and miserable weather so I can't get myself to leave the house wih the little guy.... well, I had a 10-minute cry when he was finally asleep in the Moby this afternoon.
ReplyDeleteOh, this is very true. I think we will always learn new things as parents, but that first year is tough. It takes forever to find a groove - at least it did for me. I felt like I had to rebuild my entire psyche. And I find that I need breaks from the responsibility and the constant neediness.
ReplyDeleteI read more about your sleep issues and the response from the consultant. don't let anyone make you feel bad. Trust your instincts.