Monday, March 31, 2014

When depression rears its ugly head.

Well, I left off saying that Hubby and I were sick after H was up all night puking.  I thought the saga would end there.  Turns out, I was wrong.  I ended up needing to go to the Emergency Room as it felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and I found it hard to breathe.  These feelings lasted over 24 hours before I went.  Then, H woke up again and started puking.  After I thought we were all getting well.  Her second round of the flu did me in.  The card-house collapsed and I was drowning in anxiety and depression.  I couldn't handle having my baby sick for one more night.  I couldn't handle having to take another day off work and worry about how I was going to cope with working and a sick baby. All these negative emotions came running back. 

I took H to the Dr and while I was there, I broke down.  H had the stomach bug...nothing more.  I was signed off work for 3 weeks for stress leave.  I couldn't cope. 

I went and saw a counsellor and he made me answer 20 questions.  Apparently through these questions, he was able to identify that I was experiencing Sever Depression and Sever Anxiety.  The anxiety I understood.  I was a wreck dealing with H and everything we have gone through this winter...but the depression shocked me.  He explained that the way the chemicals in your brain work, is that if you have EVER been in a depressed state, you will go back to that state when stressed.  Each time you go back, the deeper the depression.  He says unless you treat the chemical imbalance, you wont be able to ever get rid of the depression.  He is also very much pro-natural supplements vs medications.  Since I am still nursing, I fear taking drugs as he said a lot of the drugs don't work for some people so it really is a crap shoot finding the right drug at the right dose.  He suggested I take amino-acids and cod-liver oil as well as beta blockers to help bring me out.

Funny what happens when the cards come crashing down.  Now, EVERYTHING is coming back up.  All the feelings associated wiht the miscarriages, the infertility, the abuse from my childhood.  Everything.  I have realized that I need to change.  I can't continue to go on in life the way I have been living as I am living on adrenaline and not taking each moment as it comes.  My immune system is failing me as I am so stressed.  My family is suffering, my job is suffering and my health is suffering.  I am too young and have too much at steak to not take this as a wake-up call.

While off, I'm trying to figure out ways to cope. I'm trying to not allow negative feelings and emotions to consume me. I want to be happy for me AND for H.

Being a working momma is hard.   Totally wish I had the ability to stay home with her.  


  1. If I could give you a hug right now, I would. I feel for you. Have you had your vitamin D levels tested? I think that this totally crappy winter and the lack of outdoor time may be compounding the depression. I started taking some vitamin D and fish oil and it is helping. I also think that we still have lots of wacky pregnancy related hormones since we are still breastfeeding that are just adding to any other underlying anxiety/depression issues. I hope your time off helps get you re-centered (and you and your family healthy!) and I hope that the weather starts improving. I feel like I saw the calendar flip to April today and I am already starting to feel a little bit better. Spring will be here soon! xoxo

  2. Amanda, I'm sorry to hear that. I know all too well how crippling anxiety and depression can be. I am on the smallest dosage of Zoloft and it just cuts the edge of anxiety. I still worry, but not to the point of anxiety attacks.

    Take care of yourself. I think you'll see a natural mood lightening soon as the weather can affect this too. Take the time during your real and rest. Proper sleep and excercise and diet is so important.

    I'm glad you are talking to someone about all the things from the past that are haunting you


  3. I would really encourage you to talk to your counselor openly and frequently. Being a working mom IS hard. I also work full time and I totally get that, but be careful about deciding the solution to your anxiety is to stop working. While major life changes (including a new job, or not working) may be a part of it, I'm sure being a SAHM has a lot of pitfalls and stresses as well, especially if the underlying issues of your feelings haven't been addressed. Be kind to yourself and good luck.

    1. Oh...there is no way I can stop working. I couldn't give up my position nor could we afford it. I am just off for a couple of weeks to re-coup and get my strenght back. I am now sick with a horrible chest/sinus cold (as is h) so I am really off due to sickness LOL!

    2. Ah, ya, I can relate. But I think it's even more important to try not to idealize staying home. I try to focus on the positives of being a working mom and to connect with others. I am thinking about you and hope you feel better soon!