Well, I left off saying that Hubby and I were sick after H was up all night puking. I thought the saga would end there. Turns out, I was wrong. I ended up needing to go to the Emergency Room as it felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and I found it hard to breathe. These feelings lasted over 24 hours before I went. Then, H woke up again and started puking. After I thought we were all getting well. Her second round of the flu did me in. The card-house collapsed and I was drowning in anxiety and depression. I couldn't handle having my baby sick for one more night. I couldn't handle having to take another day off work and worry about how I was going to cope with working and a sick baby. All these negative emotions came running back.
I took H to the Dr and while I was there, I broke down. H had the stomach bug...nothing more. I was signed off work for 3 weeks for stress leave. I couldn't cope.
I went and saw a counsellor and he made me answer 20 questions. Apparently through these questions, he was able to identify that I was experiencing Sever Depression and Sever Anxiety. The anxiety I understood. I was a wreck dealing with H and everything we have gone through this winter...but the depression shocked me. He explained that the way the chemicals in your brain work, is that if you have EVER been in a depressed state, you will go back to that state when stressed. Each time you go back, the deeper the depression. He says unless you treat the chemical imbalance, you wont be able to ever get rid of the depression. He is also very much pro-natural supplements vs medications. Since I am still nursing, I fear taking drugs as he said a lot of the drugs don't work for some people so it really is a crap shoot finding the right drug at the right dose. He suggested I take amino-acids and cod-liver oil as well as beta blockers to help bring me out.
Funny what happens when the cards come crashing down. Now, EVERYTHING is coming back up. All the feelings associated wiht the miscarriages, the infertility, the abuse from my childhood. Everything. I have realized that I need to change. I can't continue to go on in life the way I have been living as I am living on adrenaline and not taking each moment as it comes. My immune system is failing me as I am so stressed. My family is suffering, my job is suffering and my health is suffering. I am too young and have too much at steak to not take this as a wake-up call.
While off, I'm trying to figure out ways to cope. I'm trying to not allow negative feelings and emotions to consume me. I want to be happy for me AND for H.
Being a working momma is hard. Totally wish I had the ability to stay home with her.