Today is Hubby's 30th birthday. Saturday afternoon we had family over for Easter and then in the evening I threw him a party. We had all our friends over - some who we haven't seen in quite some time. It was nice to have everyone over at our house again. In past years, our home has always been the meeting place for all our friends. We would host parties/bbq's etc so everyone could get-together. I loved hosting. I loved having everyone fill our home (which is quite easy as our home isn't that big) and reconnecting with friends who I haven't seen for quite some time. However, that person...the bubbly hostess who loved filling her home with people, is gone. I tried to bring her out again on Saturday - but she never really surfaced.
The change started once we started to TTC. At this time, I put a hold on hosting. I figured we should be saving money for the baby and not spend a ton of money on entertaining. My focus seemed to shift away from friendships and go towards becoming pregnant. So, for a year, friendships suffered. Then, when we got pregnant last April, my focus was entirely on the pregnancy and I couldn't care less if I really saw many people. Of course over the year or so from when we TTC and then got pregnant, there were events where I would reconnect with friends. But to me, it felt different. Since I wasn't about to tell everyone we were trying, I felt a gap start as my life had a different focus that I didn't feel comfortable sharing with people. I started to feel that I couldn't relate anymore. That there was this huge piece of me they couldn't get as I wasn't prepared to let them in.
When we lost the first pregnancy last June, my world came crashing down. The time when I needed support from friends, I felt I couldn't ask as I had pushed some away. Others I was able to connect with right away and listened as I talked about the hurt I experienced. The miscarriage was so traumatic that although people knew about it, no one could really understand everything we had gone through. The year of trying, the pregnancy and the miscarriage were so much to bare and even if I did let people in, many didn't really understand (or care to understand) the hurt and pain I went through. Since I do put on a strong front, I cover my pain really well. I can tell 'my story' without breaking down or crying ... so it makes it seem as though I'm much more okay then what I am.
When we got pregnant again only to quickly loose the second pregnancy, a big part of who I was died. I haven't been the same ever since. Like the first time, I pushed many people away. Some of those I did to protect myself (those who were pregnant) others because I felt this just wouldn't get it or be the person I needed them to be. On Saturday I felt that this really showed. I really felt how alone and distant I have become from many people who I would have considered good friends. It is so hard to be around friends - many who may not even know or truly understand how difficult these last 2 years have been on me. I cannot relate to people and I find it really hard to make conversation if it isn't about pregnancy. I know this could be part and parcel of 'baby brain' etc, but I really think things wouldn't have been much different had I not been pregnant. I am a shell of the person I was once. I take a lot of responsibility as much of the distance has been caused by me as much as it has been by them as well. I guess we are all reaching the age where life starts to move away from being so focused around friendships and more about yourself and your family. It isn't uncommon to have friendships drift apart, however for me it feels different somehow. That is it more than just drifting apart. I feel very much alone. Especially now with this third pregnancy, I feel like I'm muddling through a lot of this by myself. A time where I should be embracing girlfriends and sharing my joys and pain, I keep a lot of it hidden. I'm afraid to become 'open' with the pregnancy as I have a difficult time believing that it isn't going to end in pain again. I'm terrified every day and I feel like I'm dealing with this fear alone. Hubby says to stay positive and be pragmatic. I don't know how to do that given my history.
Even with Hubby I find myself pushing him away at times. Conversing in general just seems so hard. Partly due to the exhaustion, partly feeling sick, but most of all my brain just seems so consumed with this pregnancy that it is so difficult to relate to anything or anyone else. I feel incredibly selfish. I just wish that I could find myself again and have this pregnancy be something I'm experiencing rather than it being who I am. I'm afraid though that it is a difficult thing for me to embrace given all I've gone through to get here.
I'm hoping this starts to change as I enter the end of my first trimester. I've heard the energy comes back and sickness subsides. I hope that if we get good news on April 24 that I can relax.
Here's to hoping anyways. I really want to be the person I once was, rather than this empty shell of a person.