Monday, April 9, 2012

Somebody I used to know

Today is Hubby's 30th birthday.  Saturday afternoon we had family over for Easter and then in the evening I threw him a party. We had all our friends over - some who we haven't seen in quite some time.  It was nice to have everyone over at our house again.  In past years, our home has always been the meeting place for all our friends.  We would host parties/bbq's etc so everyone could get-together.  I loved hosting.  I loved having everyone fill our home (which is quite easy as our home isn't that big) and reconnecting with friends who I haven't seen for quite some time.  However, that person...the bubbly hostess who loved filling her home with people, is gone.  I tried to bring her out again on Saturday - but she never really surfaced. 

The change started once we started to TTC.  At this time,  I put a hold on hosting.  I figured we should be saving money for the baby and not spend a ton of money on entertaining.  My focus seemed to shift away from friendships and go towards becoming pregnant.  So, for a year, friendships suffered.  Then, when we got pregnant last April, my focus was entirely on the pregnancy and I couldn't care less if I really saw many people.  Of course over the year or so from when we TTC and then got pregnant, there were events where I would reconnect with friends.  But to me, it felt different.  Since I wasn't about to tell everyone we were trying, I felt a gap start as my life had a different focus that I didn't feel comfortable sharing with people.  I started to feel that I couldn't relate anymore.  That there was this huge piece of me they couldn't get as I wasn't prepared to let them in.

When we lost the first pregnancy last June, my world came crashing down.  The time when I needed support from friends, I felt I couldn't ask as I had pushed some away.  Others I was able to connect with right away and listened as I talked about the hurt I experienced.  The miscarriage was so traumatic that although people knew about it,  no one could really understand everything we had gone through.  The year of trying, the pregnancy and the miscarriage were so much to bare and even if I did let people in, many didn't really understand (or care to understand) the hurt and pain I went through.  Since I do put on a strong front, I cover my pain really well.  I can tell 'my story' without breaking down or crying ... so it makes it seem as though I'm much more okay then what I am.

When we got pregnant again only to quickly loose the second pregnancy, a big part of who I was died.  I haven't been the same ever since.  Like the first time, I pushed many people away.  Some of those I did to protect myself (those who were pregnant) others because I felt this just wouldn't get it or be the person I needed them to be.   On Saturday I felt that this really showed. I really felt how alone and distant I have become from many people who I would have considered good friends. It is so hard to be around friends - many who may not even know or truly understand how difficult these last 2 years have been on me.  I cannot relate to people and I find it really hard to make conversation if it isn't about pregnancy.  I know this could be part and parcel of 'baby brain' etc, but I really think things wouldn't have been much different had I not been pregnant.  I am a shell of the person I was once.  I take a lot of responsibility as much of the distance has been caused by me as much as it has been by them as well.  I guess we are all reaching the age where life starts to move away from being so focused around friendships and more about yourself and your family.  It isn't uncommon to have friendships drift apart, however for me it feels different somehow.  That is it more than just drifting apart.  I feel very much alone.  Especially now with this third pregnancy, I feel like I'm muddling through a lot of this by myself.  A time where I should be embracing girlfriends and sharing my joys and pain, I keep a lot of it hidden.  I'm afraid to become 'open' with the pregnancy as I have a difficult time believing that it isn't going to end in pain again.  I'm terrified every day and I feel like I'm dealing with this fear alone.  Hubby says to stay positive and be pragmatic.  I don't know how to do that given my history. 

Even with Hubby I find myself pushing him away at times.  Conversing in general just seems so hard.  Partly due to the exhaustion, partly feeling sick, but most of all my brain just seems so consumed with this pregnancy that it is so difficult to relate to anything or anyone else.  I feel incredibly selfish.  I just wish that I could find myself again and have this pregnancy be something I'm experiencing rather than it being who I am.  I'm afraid though that it is a difficult thing for me to embrace given all I've gone through to get here.

I'm hoping this starts to change as I enter the end of my first trimester.  I've heard the energy comes back and sickness subsides.  I hope that if we get good news on April 24 that I can relax.

Here's to hoping anyways.  I really want to be the person I once was, rather than this empty shell of a person.


  1. I understand this feelings. It's hard. I've had three miscarriages. I've pushed people away because I was pregnant, because I was loosing a pregnancy and because I was mourning. I've come to feel more comfortable in my home, with just my husband, than anywhere else or with anyone else, although I then miss the comfort and support of others.

    It's one of the horrible lost innocence moments of infertility and loss and I'm so sorry we have to life it.

  2. I'm sorry you are in pain. I definitely feel like some of my friendships have changed too. But, what I have found, is if I approach someone I have been distant with, and am upfront about why I fell out of touch, they almost always respond positively. Perhaps once you are out of the first trimester and feel safer sharing, it will be easier. Your real friends will welcome the communication. xo

  3. I struggle with this too. Only a handful of my close friends understand what I am going through and I feel I don't have time to maintain those other friendships anymore, because it just seems surface and usually when I would hang out with them it was in a totally different mind frame. My life has changed so much and I know I am completely to blame, but it's all I can handle right now. It's so exhausting and I just feel like I have to focus on the top priorities, husband, family, job, heath and friends that comfort.

    I am hoping this will go away after I become pregnant, but it sounds like it hasn't for you yet. So now I am hoping when we take home babies, our lives will be filled with joy again and we are able to reach out to others in social situations.

    What is hard for me, is that my husband gets sad about this. He is very social and we used to be that social couple. The fun ones, the last to leave the party, the first to arrive, the ones to get the games started, etc. We were always down for a good time, or travel or trips. I feel bad for him, because his feelings haven't changed. He's been begging me to have a party so I think we're gonna have one for memorial day. :)

  4. All I can say is I know how you feel. I want to bury my head and never come out. At the same time, I am so lonely and long for friends who will say and do the right thing at the right time.

  5. I went through the same thing and feel like I am reading my own post. I am currently 26 weeks along and trust me, every day I thank the lord for getting this far. I was very sick for the first 3 months and it was hell. I was not happy or even close to my normal cheery disposition. I didn't want to talk to anyone (and didn't) for the entire first trimester. My husband and I were cautiously optimistic and not wanting to jinx anything like we did with the first pregnancy -- we told everyone right away with the first which made it sooo much harder after.

    I can only tell you that it gets better! month 4 you will be so happy. I am currently the happiest I've been in my life - with my growing belly and my husband. I did not ever even begin to imagine it could be like this and I have no doubt that eventually you will get there too. Just listen the old cliche - it just takes time. It really does. You will be happy and social again and high on life. You will never forget the pain, but it will fade as you begin to feel kicks and see the ultrasounds of your baby :)

  6. Here from Stirrup Queen's... I can relate to this so well. What you're feeling, after what you've been through, is so normal. I had three miscarriages before I had my son, after 4 years of infertility... I didn't breathe a sigh of relief until we reached viability. It didn't seem real to me until he was actually born. And my relationships were never the same with friends/family. I did breathe a little easier with each day that passed, but it was hard just the same. Good luck to you, I hope so much that your pregnancy continues to go well and your little one thrives. It's a hard place to be in, truly.

  7. Hi. Here from ICLW and The Fertility Daily. I hope all goes well for you this time around and will check back on the 24th for an update. I had a twin IVF pregnancy loss and I think we all relate to the distance infertility and preganancy losses puts between us and our old friends. No matter how long the journey is for us, we're changed simply because of having to take it, and so are our relationships. It feels like a bad thing, or that its our fault, but really, its neither. I just is. You will be happy again, but you will never be the person you were before all this. That'd be like saying none of this happened. I'll never be the same as I was before my 6 IVFs. And its ok.

    I blog for my old IVF doctors to share my experiences. I hope that NIAW and ICLW will help me find new blogs to follow and to spread the word about their Free Micro-IVF contest that kicks off this week. Anyone interested can get the details this week on our blog or the Long Island IVF FB page.