Sometime after my 16 week OB appointment, I became attached. I think it started when my grandmother took me shopping for maternity clothes or when I finally told my whole department at work. But, I can honestly say I am now attached to this Dragon baby and am dreaming about the day of when I get to meet him/her rather than scared to death of loosing him/her. Of course this means that in the back of my head I feel like I am jinxing myself - that because I have embraced this pregnancy and am getting excited, something will go wrong. However, hearing constant reassurance from people telling me that I'm "out of the woods" helps. Although I know, being apart of this community, anything can go wrong at any time. I really just need to focus on what can go right. Being and staying positive is incredibly difficult for me. Overall, I'm not a very positive person. With my history, I know I have a right to be jaded. However, it is time to be happy right? I think I'm starting to feel Dragon move - however the movements are inconsistent and days will go by without feeling anything. Thinking that maybe the baby is still here, moving around makes me so incredibly excited. I long for the day when I get kicked and punched all the time that I'm sore. I can only hope that happens sooner rather than later. Also, knowing I get to see my OB every 2 weeks helps as I know I will hear the heartbeat which will help ease my mind.
I go for my 20 week ultrasound on June 13. This just happens to be the EXACT day last year when I went for an ultrasound and found out my baby had died. The ultrasound landing on the same date has me quite perplexed. On one hand I am terrified that this day is cursed for me and that on June 13 I will yet again find out something is wrong with my baby. On the other, I think it is kinda magical that I have a chance to redeem June 13 for me - that one year later I will see my beautiful, healthy baby and will have confirmation everything is okay and I wont have a dark cloud hanging over me on this date. I have to believe the latter will be the case. Luckily I see my OB 1 day later so I wont have the torture that I had last year after my ultrasound in fighting for care if something is wrong. We wont be finding out the gender - it really doesn't matter to us and we (I) want the surprise. However, finding out our baby is healthy and all internal organs have developed properly will be a dream come true.
I am so happy to hear that many of the Dragon babies are sticking around - but incredibly sad to know we have lost 2. My thoughts go out to the mommies who are suffering from that hurt right now.