Attachment

Sometime after my 16 week OB appointment, I became attached.  I think it started when my grandmother took me shopping for maternity clothes or when I finally told my whole department at work.  But, I can honestly say I am now attached to this Dragon baby and am dreaming about the day of when I get to meet him/her rather than scared to death of loosing him/her.  Of course this means that in the back of my head I feel like I am jinxing myself - that because I have embraced this pregnancy and am getting excited, something will go wrong. However, hearing constant reassurance from people telling me that I'm "out of the woods" helps.  Although I know, being apart of this community, anything can go wrong at any time.  I really just need to focus on what can go right.  Being and staying positive is incredibly difficult for me.  Overall, I'm not a very positive person.  With my history, I know I have a right to be jaded.  However, it is time to be happy right?   I think I'm starting to feel Dragon move - however the movements are inconsistent and days will go by without feeling anything.  Thinking that maybe the baby is still here, moving around makes me so incredibly excited.  I long for the day when I get kicked and punched all the time that I'm sore.  I can only hope that happens sooner rather than later.  Also, knowing I get to see my OB every 2 weeks helps as I know I will hear the heartbeat which will help ease my mind.

I go for my 20 week ultrasound on June 13.  This just happens to be the EXACT day last year when I went for an ultrasound and found out my baby had died.  The ultrasound landing on the same date has me quite perplexed.  On one hand I am terrified that this day is cursed for me and that on June 13 I will yet again find out something is wrong with my baby.  On the other, I think it is kinda magical that I have a chance to redeem June 13 for me - that one year later I will see my beautiful, healthy baby and will have confirmation everything is okay and I wont have a dark cloud hanging over me on this date.  I have to believe the latter will be the case.  Luckily I see my OB 1 day later so I wont have the torture that I had last year after my ultrasound in fighting for care if something is wrong.  We wont be finding out the gender - it really doesn't matter to us and we (I) want the surprise.  However, finding out our baby is healthy and all internal organs have developed properly will be a dream come true.

I am so happy to hear that many of the Dragon babies are sticking around - but incredibly sad to know we have lost 2.  My thoughts go out to the mommies who are suffering from that hurt right now.