Friday, July 13, 2012

Would you bring up your past?

Mel's post about her conversation with her daughter about miscarriage reminded me of our first prenatal class on Monday.  We had to go around the room and talk about our pregnancy and what we liked and didn't like.  I was open and told the group that "given we have had 2 losses, I'm being closely monitored and have a wack of medical appointments, so I would have to use busy to describe my pregnancy". I immediately got 'the look' from hubby and knew I was in for a tongue lashing.  He wasn't impressed I brought up our previous pregnancies with a group of pregnant women and soon to be dads.  It wasn't because I brought up our private history - but rather it was, in his mind, inappropriate and tactless.   

After reading Mel's blog about talking with her daughter while eating noodles at a restaurant, I started thinking about what Hubby said.  I guess it really boils down to how I see the situation.  In my mind, our losses are part of our story on getting where we are.  I can't talk about this pregnancy without mentioning the other 2.  If I were in Mel's shoes, I too would have an open conversation with my child (or anyone) in a public space and not feel guilty or weird about it. It isn't because I have this urge to honour my past babies, but more to talk about the struggles and journey we have been on to get where we are.  I can't just say "oh yea, I love being pregnant" when I'm terrified of something going wrong at each moment.  Hubby really shuts down when we start talking about our past in public.  He will usually change the subject quickly if it comes up when we are out.  I never really understand why.  It my mind, it isn't something to hide.  If talking about our losses makes others uncomfortable, than I don't really care.  I was the one who lived through the hell - not them.  My history isn't a secret and part of how I was able to heal from the past, was by talking about my hurt - to everyone and anyone.  I needed to talk to move forward.  That's why I don't feel it was a wrong choice to bring up our miscarriages at a prenatal class...but now I'm wondering if I am being tactless.  What are your thoughts?

Is our past something I should censor? Or should I be allowed to talk about our journey honestly and openly?

I don't really care about being on the same page as Hubby.  I'm just wondering if maybe he has a point.

All thoughts welcomed :)


  1. I don't think it's tactless but I have been open about us going to treatments, and even what the treatments entailed and what my body was doing and blah blah. Everyone at the Passover seder knew all about my ovulation! I didn't just blurt things out, people asked questions and I answered them. I feel like being open about these things helps destigmatize them. You aren't the only woman to have ever had a miscarriage, and it helps other struggling women to know that, and that you are not ashamed of it. That's my opinion anyway. ESPECIALLY in a prenatal class! That's not even at a big extended family dinner! ;)

  2. I don't think it was tactless. That IS your pregnancy, full of appts because of your past losses. No need to sugar coat things for others, I like the honesty!

  3. I don't think it was tactless. But if my husband was uncomfortable with it, I would respect his wishes. I also would expect him to respect mine if the situation was reversed.

  4. Totally agree with you!! That is your story to tell whenever and wherever. It is like some people I know that are so embarrassed to mention they have fertility problems and had to rely on the clinic. I talk about it to anyone I can because it is part of what i want people to know about me. Good for you for sharing, that shows hoe truly strong you are :)

  5. I know it's not the same thing but I can't seem to tell anyone I'm pregnant without also telling them about our struggle to get pregnant. To me, it's just integral to my pregnancy experience. Also, I think with both infertility and loss, you never know who else has been through or may be going through the same thing or who may go through it in the future, and I do think it can provide comfort to know they are not alone. And, in any event, I don't think what you said in the context of where/why you said it was tactless at all!

  6. Your first two babies are indeed part of your story. I think talking about them instead of pretending it didn't happen is healthy. It removes the invisibility cloak from miscarriage and baby loss. It's too bad your husband is of a different mind.

  7. I don't think you were tactless at all! Pregnancy isn't sunshine and rainbows for everyone. I like that you were honest and you never know, someone else in the class might have been through something similar but was shy about mentioning it.

    I don't know if it's a guy thing, this "pretending" the losses didn't happen? Sometimes I feel like my husband would rather avoid discussing my miscarrage too. I think he is of the mind that, yeah, we had a loss, but now we have a baby so things worked out and why dwell on the past? But the past is part of our story, and I don't want to pretend what we (I) went through to get to where we (I) are at now.

    I thought the same thing when I read Mel's story. If someone asked, I'd open up. I would rather be open about it so they aren't naieve about pregnancy and baby loss.

  8. I'm going to be the devil's advocate and ask why you think that DH is so uncomfortable about you bringing up your losses in public. Though I completely understand (and agree) with your point of view, the issue is that he doesn't. Have you explored this with him? Asked him why he does want to talk about this with others?

    Granted, I'm all for educating people about IF/loss. Too often, many people are clueless about the pain of this experience. But I also think that it's best served when the couple is on the same page. When you've both explored this together and come to a common place about your story. Because even though it is your body, these were his potential children too.

    In short, I'm not telling you to not share your journey. But I also think that if sharing this journey is causing strain, that you should address it now.

  9. Hi! New follower/blogger here! I completely understand where you're coming from - when I've been pregnant, I found myself talking about our losses because it was weird for me not to do so. I think that it's important more people are educated about IF struggles and losses since it's much more common than most people even know. I guess I can see where your husband is coming from, but most people in that room will be just fine! It does show where your head is at and how differently you might view pregnancy things compared to those who haven't been through a loss! I think it's important to acknowledge your babies that were lost because they go hand in hand with your baby on it's way!! GL!