I have faith, but am not necessarily a follower of any religion in particular. If you pressed me hard enough, I would say that I believe in the Christian God, but don't necessarily follow the teachings of the bible. I do believe that the deceased have an ability to communicate with the living if they should choose to do so. Growing up, my mother would often (and continues to have) have weird paranormal sitings. She talks about her experiences like she were explaining making dinner. It is just that common so it has been something I have always believed in.
Going through fertility and pregnancy 'stuff', I have prayed to God, and my Maternal Grandmother to grant us a baby. During the first 2 pregnancies, I always prayed, but never felt anything in return. I never felt any presence - but given I have never really had any before, I figured it didn't mean anything.
With this pregnancy, things have been a little different. It started driving to work one day and I heard the song by Jason Mraz 'I Wont Give Up'. I never listen to song lyrics, but in the car the song spoke to me. I didn't hear the title or the singer so I had no idea how to hear the song again. I would go on the radio stations website to see if anything would jog my memory - but never had any luck. I never heard it again until a few weeks later. In late January when I felt the lowest of the low, I just had a preliminary diagnosis of possible premature ovarian failure AND my mid-40's co-worker just told me she was 4.5 months pregnant, I heard the song come on the radio when I was at my desk bawling my eyes out. I immediately went on the radio station's website and recorded the name and title. It was such a huge inspiration for me. I really felt like I had hit rocked bottom and here this song came on when I needed it the most. It felt like it was a sign. The words of the song spoke to me and my situation and I FINALLY let everything go to the universe. It was refreshing.
A few weeks later, we found out about the pregnancy, I thought about this moment and questioned whether or not the song was a sign that brighter things were ahead and that I shouldn't give up. In the early weeks of my pregnancy, when the anxiety and fear became so great I didn't know how to continue, I would hear the song. It may not have come on the exact moment I had a panic attack, but definitely when I really needed some sign that things were okay. Below are accounts of hearing this song. They all happened randomly - when I had no control over what was being played and when:
- a few times in the car when the worry or anxiety became too much to bare
- leading into my first ultrasound
- in the Dr's office going into my 11 week physical, where I heard the fetal heart beat for the first time, - after having a few days of spotting and not knowing if things are okay
- watching t.v on the day of our 13 week ultrasound and the advertisement for Jason's new album came out (which plays this song) - this was the first time I had ever seen this ad and one of the last times (I watch this particular station all the time)
- After Hubby's mom gave me some mother's day gifts. I was feeling so overwhelmed and apprehensive in receiving gifts not knowing if things were going to be okay. I heard the song via my neighbours radio playing outside.
- and most recently after a visit with my mother and she spoke about her gender predictions and we chatted like this was really going to happen. In the car home, I became really overwhelmed and started thinking about the 'what-ifs'. Later that day, I went shopping with a friend and low and behold - the song came on the radio again.
You see - I NEVER hear this song play on the radio with the exception of the few times noted above. It isn't one of those song that is always being played. One could argue it is coincidental and that I'm only looking for meaning behind it - but since I have only heard the song when I NEEDED to hear it, I have to believe there is more to it than that. There are times when I WANT to hear the song, when I would hope the next time I hop in the car it would play - but it never happens that way. (Obviously, if I want to hear it, I simply YouTube the song - but these random occurrences are more than hearing the words.) The days when I'm over thinking everything and I think to myself, 'If only I heard the song, then I would relax' are the days I don't hear it. I only ever hear it when I'm not thinking about it and it just occurs and then I realize it is those moments that I needed to hear it. (If that makes any sense)
I really feel that this song is a way for someone up above to let me know things are okay. That I can't give up on this baby - or more importantly, this baby isn't giving up on me :)
For those who don't know the song - I've posted the link below: