I need to get some things off my chest. In the early stages of this pregnancy, I would write my fears down and suddenly, a day or so later everything seemed a lot less overwhelming and intense. I'm hoping, now, the same effect will happen.
Ever since Monday, after reading really beautiful and touching stories of women who have lost, not only pregnancies, but infants, I have been terrified of loosing my baby. For the past 2 nights, I have woken up at 3 am and all I can do is worry. I am terrified that the baby will die before I go into labour or worse, it will die during labour. I've researched the data, and almost 1800 cases of still-births happen each year in Ontario - the national average being 6.4 for every 1000. For some reason, I thought researching the likely-hood will give me comfort - instead it has made me worry even more.
I'm also paranoid - given my field of work - something will happen during labour that will cause permanent injury to my child. In my job, Cerebral Palsey is very common. Out of 40 students who are in our program, 4 or 5 have CP. Now there are many ways an infant will get CP, and there are varying degrees of it, but the most common is loss of oxygen during birth causing sever physical and potential mental disabilities. If labour takes a long time, especially transition, I will be worried the entire time that I'm causing harm to my baby.
I've always wanted a natural delivery with no interventions. Now, the fear of loosing my baby is so great that I have contemplated taking interventions just to have a healthy baby.
I was 1 in 4 who experienced miscarriage twice. During the first two pregnancies, I was terrified of having a miscarriage and when I did, my world came crashing down. Now, I'm terrified of loosing my baby. Is this just an irrational fear or could it be a premonition of something to come. I'm sure there have been women who experience a wonderful pregnancy to have their world come to an end when their child is born asleep.
I am hoping that this is a 'normal' fear given everything I have been through and not indicative of something to come. I'm hoping by writing my fears down, I can move on and focus on the beauty of what is to come. I just pray that it happens sooner rather than later because in my mind, the sooner the baby comes, the better chance he/she will have of survival.
Did anyone else have these irrational fears? If so, how did you cope? How did you move on and enjoy the experience. Why does this pregnancy have to be so filled with worry and anxiety? I wish I could be oblivious like many women I know :(