Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day is very significant for me for a few reasons:
- today I remember the 2 babies I have lost
- today marks the year anniversary (almost to the day) of finding out our 2nd baby wasn't viable
- today I am 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant and am hoping and praying the baby inside will soon greet me with his/her presence and be healthy
For some, miscarriage happens and life goes on. Yes it was a sad time in one's life, but it doesn't alter or shape their life in any way in-particular. For me, my losses have shaped my life and turned it on a different course completely. Having difficulties conceiving, and then loosing 2 pregnancies in such a short period of time, has altered who I have become, how I lived through this pregnancy, and how I will mother. I can't talk about this baby without talking about my losses. They are part-in-parcel of one another. Some say, everything happens for a reason, and that my losses will have a 'silver lining' eventually. I am not sure I believe that. Each time I saw a double red line on a pregnancy test, I was in-love. Our first baby, we saw a heart-beat flickering on a screen - we were ecstatic. Our second pregnancy, or our phantom baby, didn't progress beyond a yolk sac, however the hopes of him/her replacing (yes I thought it would replace) the baby we had lost was so strong. That THIS pregnancy would make everything right - made my world crumble and fall apart when we realized that all my hopes and dreams were gone. When we got unexpectedly pregnant a third time, even-though things were different from the start, I could never be comfortable or happy until well into my 3rd trimester. My previous experiences stole the ability for me to be a happy pregnant woman away from me. Even now, I worry that something is wrong with the baby and that I will become another statistic. I pray every day that this baby is born healthy and strong.
My losses will shape the way I mother. Although I wanted to be a mom, otherwise we wouldn't have gone down the TTC road, I don't think I would have been as grateful if we had conceived right away and carried to term. I wouldn't cherish the life growing inside as much as I am now. I KNOW how miraculous life is and how difficult it is to make and carry a baby. This baby is so loved and desired - much like the other two were - but the difference being, we know how precious life is. This baby will know of his/her angel siblings. He/she will help tend the garden planted in their honour and will know how much they were loved. Although they did not make it earthside, they are apart of our family - and will always be apart of our family.
Today I light a candle and say a prayer for my 2 angel babies who have shaped the person I am. I am certain they were looking out for their brother/sister here on earth and helping him/her grow. Please continue to bless us little ones and know that you were and are loved and remembered every day.