It has been 1 year since I really started to blog. (I had the blog before, I just never really used it).
Which means, it has been 1 year since my second miscarriage and my life really turned a different direction.
1 year ago, I sat on the couch looking for others who have had multiple miscarriages and was looking for hope. I just found out that our second pregnancy was non-viable and I had taken misoprostal to induce the abortion. I couldn't believe that this was my story. As I found others in this community, I realized I was not alone. There were others, who wore their hearts on their sleeve and underwent serious hardships to make a family. Some of these ladies are still struggling to get the family of their dreams. Others, were successful and are now in the throws of mother-hood.
For myself, I am in a weird place. I am so close to having 'everything I have ever wanted' as many of my co-workers have pointed out time and time again. However, I'm also still so far away. My baby isn't here yet so anything is possible. Also, my body is once again not co-operating by having high blood pressure and not starting to dilate etc to bring the baby to me. Both of my miscarriages were missed. In neither situation, did I experience the cramping, bleeding or any other symptom associated with miscarriage. I found out my babies had died through an ultrasound and needed medical intervention to rid my body of the dead fetus. Now, sitting her waiting for my baby, I wonder if my body once again will hold onto this pregnancy for dear life. Does my body want to stay pregnant forever? Does it even know what it is supposed to do naturally? If not, does this mean I wont be able to deliver my child?
It is funny how so many things can change in one year, yet stay the same. In many ways, I'm still in the same vulnerable position I was a year ago. This year has been the hardest year of my life. I have been tested in ways I never thought possible. My marriage has been tested. My faith has been tested. My friendships have been tested. My relationships with my family have been tested. In the end, I don't think I am better off for it. After the first miscarriage, I saw 'light at the end of the tunnel'. The second, just threw me into a spiral of self-doubt and vulnerability. I don't think I will ever be able to view myself or my body the same way.
Today has been rough. Hubby has commented many times on how confrontational and overly emotional I have been. I reminded him what occurred 1 year from today, and he asked why would I ever bring that up. It was in the past and I should only be focusing on the baby we will soon be meeting. I couldn't believe him. It goes to stand that everyone deals with situations differently. However, for me, I can't think about this baby, without thinking about the ones I've lost.
Today I pray that our baby decides to grace us with his/her presence soon. Tomorrow I see my OB again, and I pray that progress has been made AND my blood pressure is at a level that will allow us to wait a bit longer if need be. I have been religiously doing exercises from spinning babies and really trying to visualize my baby make his/her way down. I hope it has helped. Thank you for those who have commented and sent positive vibes my way. I also appreciate those who have validated my feelings. I KNOW a healthy baby is the goal and it ultimately doesn't matter how that happens. I appreciate everyone who has validated my feelings of loss if I can't give birth to my child on my own.
I'd like to say that the sun will come out tomorrow and things will look and feel better, however it looks like we are in for quite the storm. They are calling it the perfect storm. Two storm fronts meeting up and hitting all the same time. It is very symbolic of how I am feeling. Today, I am dealing with two different 'storms'. One of loss and one of hope. I guess I will just have to settle for the idea of sun. Just how it will come out one day, I know everything will work out the way it should.