Sunday, October 28, 2012

One Year Blog-i-versary

It has been 1 year since I really started to blog.  (I had the blog before, I just never really used it). 

Which means, it has been 1 year since my second miscarriage and my life really turned a different direction. 

1 year ago, I sat on the couch looking for others who have had multiple miscarriages and was looking for hope.  I just found out that our second pregnancy was non-viable and I had taken misoprostal to induce the abortion.  I couldn't believe that this was my story.  As I found others in this community, I realized I was not alone.  There were others, who wore their hearts on their sleeve and underwent serious hardships to make a family.  Some of these ladies are still struggling to get the family of their dreams.  Others, were successful and are now in the throws of mother-hood.

For myself, I am in a weird place.  I am so close to having 'everything I have ever wanted' as many of my co-workers have pointed out time and time again.  However, I'm also still so far away.  My baby isn't here yet so anything is possible.  Also, my body is once again not co-operating by having high blood pressure and not starting to dilate etc to bring the baby to me.  Both of my miscarriages were missed.  In neither situation, did I experience the cramping, bleeding or any other symptom associated with miscarriage.  I found out my babies had died through an ultrasound and needed medical intervention to rid my body of the dead fetus.  Now, sitting her waiting for my baby, I wonder if my body once again will hold onto this pregnancy for dear life.  Does my body want to stay pregnant forever?  Does it even know what it is supposed to do naturally?  If not, does this mean I wont be able to deliver my child? 

It is funny how so many things can change in one year, yet stay the same.  In many ways, I'm still in the same vulnerable position I was a year ago.  This year has been the hardest year of my life.  I have been tested in ways I never thought possible.  My marriage has been tested.  My faith has been tested.  My friendships have been tested.  My relationships with my family have been tested.  In the end,  I don't think I am better off for it.  After the first miscarriage, I saw 'light at the end of the tunnel'.  The second, just threw me into a spiral of self-doubt and vulnerability.  I don't think I will ever be able to view myself or my body the same way.

Today has been rough.  Hubby has commented many times on how confrontational and overly emotional I have been. I reminded him what occurred 1 year from today, and he asked why would I ever bring that up.  It was in the past and I should only be focusing on the baby we will soon be meeting.  I couldn't believe him.  It goes to stand that everyone deals with situations differently.  However, for me, I can't think about this baby, without thinking about the ones I've lost. 

Today I pray that our baby decides to grace us with his/her presence soon.  Tomorrow I see my OB again, and I pray that progress has been made AND my blood pressure is at a level that will allow us to wait a bit longer if need be.  I have been religiously doing exercises from spinning babies and really trying to visualize my baby make his/her way down.  I hope it has helped.  Thank you for those who have commented and sent positive vibes my way.  I also appreciate those who have validated my feelings.  I KNOW a healthy baby is the goal and it ultimately doesn't matter how that happens.  I appreciate everyone who has validated my feelings of loss if I can't give birth to my child on my own. 

I'd like to say that the sun will come out tomorrow and things will look and feel better, however it looks like we are in for quite the storm.  They are calling it the perfect storm.  Two storm fronts meeting up and hitting all the same time. It is very symbolic of how I am feeling.  Today, I am dealing with two different 'storms'.  One of loss and one of hope. I guess I will just have to settle for the idea of sun.  Just how it will come out one day, I know everything will work out the way it should. 


8 comments:

  1. Good luck! I totally understand where you are--I had two losses, too, but went on to deliver two perfect, healthy baby girls. It's hard not to be nervous when you've experienced loss. But just as your body can fail you, it can also produce a healthy child. Hold tight to that thought and know that it will be true for you. Best wishes. I can't wait to hear your happy news.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amanda, I know you have been on a long, hard journey for this baby, and I also know what a kind, caring, supportive person you are. You are so strong, for yourself and for others who are struggling. I have every bit of faith that you and your baby will be okay, no matter how it happens. You will keep making progress and it will be okay. I'm rooting for you, along with a lot of others.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Here from PAIL. just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and I hope all your hard work has paid off and your little one gets hear safely and healthy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *here sorry for the typo...

      Delete
  4. Stopping by from PAIL... I had similar experiences, in that I had two losses before I was able to carry a successful pregnancy to term. The fear is normal, as far as I'm concerned (especially when the timing is so close to your past losses). When I was expecting Ginny, I did ok until about 35 weeks or so before the anxiety hit. With Pippin, it was the entire pregnancy. I had every fear under the sun... all of the biggies and some that were just this side of absurd. My advice, confess your fears (no matter how difficult it is to say them aloud) to someone you trust... your dh, your bff, your neighbour's dog. It might not make them go away, but you'll have someone sharing the burden and someone will be there to help bring you out of those panicky moments. (Ok, maybe your neighbour's dog can't do that last bit, but you get the idea.) Hang in there! You can do this! Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Here vial PAIL/LFCA. Just wanted to reassure you that these fears are normal, normal, normal after living through pregnancy loss. I had four early miscarriages and was terribly fearful throughout my successful pregnancy. I wanted a natural labor, which I thankfully was able to have, but every time the midwife went to check heart tones with the doppler I was so afraid there would be a problem, or worse yet no tones at all. If I had been on a monitor the whole labor, I think I'd have obsessed and worried enough to stall labor, frankly. NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL. It IS scary, so it only makes sense to be scared; try not to beat yourself up about having natural feelings. Chances are definitely on your side that everything will go perfectly, but you don't have to believe it with every fiber of your being for it to be true! Will be thinking of you often - I hope things start happening soon and will be looking for an update!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Visiting from PAIL as well. My daughter waited until 41 weeks on the nose to make her appearance, and I had high blood pressure for the last 3 weeks of "scheduled" pregnancy so that extra week was agonizing and included lots of tests. Now, after 1 relatively calm pregnancy resulting in the Kid, and then 3 miscarriages, and currently being 20 something or other weeks pregnant, I totally feel you with the anxiety. It's normal if it isn't fun. First babies often take their sweet time turning up, which helps nobody's nerves. I totally agree with Mrs. Gamgee about sharing what's going on. I've actually been talking with my neighbors' dog about what worries me because that critter is a better listener than my cat, and it helps some. My strategy is to acknowledge that I'm feeling afraid/anxious/whatever, feel it completely for a minute or two, then let it go and get on to doing something. Thinking happy thoughts for you that everything is going well and you get to wait around for baby to make a grand entrance!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi there, I'm here from LFCA. I just experienced the anniversary of my first (of two) miscarriages. I am currently 5 days off testing - so mid TWW. Weirdly, one of our insemination days was the date that we lost the baby. It was a strange mindset, I was glad to be trying again, (as through circumstances, this was our first attempt TTC since our second MC back in March), but it felt so weird that a whole year earlier I had lost a baby on the day we may be conceiving a new one.
    I hope your wee one arrives safely and easily (!) any day soon.

    ReplyDelete