I can't believe that it has already been 1 month since my daughter was born. Fastest month of my life!! I think back to my last month of pregnancy and it seems like eons ago. I do remember it going by so slowly and feeling like the baby would never come. Now, it feels like this has been my life all a long.
Last week it felt we were turning a corner. Nursing was becoming a bit easier and she was gaining weight more rapidly. Monday and Tuesday she was cluster feeding and I felt I HAD ENOUGH to make it through. Yesterday - things went the other way. We bought a baby scale a few weeks ago to track her weight (as she isn't gaining like she should) and we weighed her and she was down again. This put me into a negative spin, and thus made the night feedings so much harder. She just wanted to eat and eat all night long - and it felt like I didn't have any left to give her. Just when I was about to supplement again, she fell asleep. Little stinker. However, today I feel horrible. We still haven't needed to supplement with formula - I just give her whatever I've pumped during the day at night. However, given I only pump after feedings, my pumped amounts are becoming less. This morning, as I was feeling sad by last night's activities, my doorbell rang and it was a delivery person for a box of formula. I feel like it is a sign that maybe I should start using formula at night. I just want to be the person that struggles at the beginning to have a great success story - not the person that struggles and then has to resort to formula anyways. I don't think formula is bad and I totally see why people use it...my life would be so different right now if I were just to give her it and say goodbye to nursing, however, I really really want to breast feed. It is something I want to put the work in for. It will get easier soon right?!?!
They are also treating her for acid reflux. She doesn't eat a lot at one time, but is a grazer. It could be because of my supply, or because she doesn't like to eat a lot at one sitting because she is in pain. She has a few signs (but doesn't throw-up) so we are trying zantac to see if there is any improvement in her weight gain. I'm thinking if it is acid reflux, as the medication kicks in and starts working, she is going to have to train my body to produce more milk right? As she starts to feel better and want to eat more at a sitting? Please tell me this whole supply/demand thing actually works! I feel sometimes that I wake up with less milk then I need rather than more!
Aside from feeding, things are going okay. My life is still pretty consumed with 3 hour increments of when she feeds and then pumping afterward. Nights are okay (aside from last) she usually gives me a few hour intravals of sleep - however I need to wake her to feed her every 3 or 3.5 hours (if I oversleep my alarm).
Hubby is amazing. He is so devoted. I'm not going to lie though - I do get rather annoyed that he gets to go downstairs and have 'me' time while I feed. Given she is the most fussy in the evenings and has longer periods of time on the boob, it is difficult to get any 'me' time for myself in the evenings when he is home. I'm hoping that as she gets older, and if the medication works, that I will be able to get some time for myself. We've agreed to introduce the bottle at 6 weeks - so we only have 2 more weeks to go until he can feed her. I think that will make the world of difference. Whether it is pumped milk or formula - I can then get a bit of a break from her. Not that I don't want to be around her always, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at times.
I also think I am overdoing it at times. As things are/were getting easier, I tend to do more. Take her out and be busy. However, whenever we leave for long periods of time, it messes with our system and things have to restart. I think I have overdone it this week. Today is a stay in bed and watch movies/nurse day so hopefully we can get over our little hiccup from yesterday.
Overall, this parenthood thing is pretty cool. SO much to think about and so much different than I ever would have imagined. No one really warns you how much work raising a newborn is. All you see when you see them, is a sleeping baby...but the work that goes into a sleeping baby is indescribable!