Warning: This is another breast feeding venting post. I need to clear my head and this has proven to be the most cathartic way for me to do so. Plus - many of you ladies give incredible advice and walk me off the ledge so to speak. Sorry if it isn't the most interesting (or if my posts have become down-right boring to some). This is my life!
So if you would have asked me on Sunday how nursing was going, I would have told you that things have definitely turned a corner. I was so excited that each time she went to my breast, I had milk and had enough to fill her. She was gaining about an ounce a day. We were on track! In fact, on Saturday I didn't' even need to supplement and was thinking that I could probably stop one of my many things I do to ensure I have milk (herbs, pumping after each feed etc). Then yesterday happened. She woke up, at 9:00 and literally wanted to feed ALL DAY LONG. I took her for a bit of a drive in the afternoon to get her to sleep - and when we got home, she woke up and still wanted to feed. When hubby came home, we went for an extended drive to give me a break. We had to stop part-way to change her diaper (princess freaks if her diaper is slightly wet) and then I had to nurse. She continued to scream until she fell asleep.
By evening, I had nothing left. It literally felt my boobs were deflated balloons. Even when I forced an hour break, there was nothing. I know there are other ways to calm a baby down, but if she is cranky and not sleeping during the day, I don't know what to do but feed her. I'm always so scared she is hungry. Since she fed all day, she wasn't getting a true feeding at each feed cause I didn't have enough time to replenish. She did sleep well at night (by the way, she is gaining - slowly - but gainig and is well past her birth weight...when do you stop waking a baby to eat at night? I keep waking up every 3 hours and waking her up to eat...something tells me I could probably stop this soon no?)
Today, I thought would be a better day, but I seem to have let-down issues. I always, ALWAYS was able to get mulitple let-downs with my right breast. Today...it is like she is fighting for every swallow. WTF? I KNOW it is all mental and I have to relax. I feel like I'm 2 weeks back in terms of momentum. Saying this, I know where things were and that we will get back there eventually ... it is just so friggen hard. Today I feel like crying all day long. I'm not sure if it is partly baby blues/post-partum depression starting to set in or just plain exhaustion...either way today is rough. I know things will get better - they have so far. I guess when things are up, I expect they are going to stay up and that it isn't going to get hard again. I really need to just relax, however with her weight still being an issue, it is all so hard. Weekly Dr apt's for her is starting to wear me down too I think.
I guess I just felt that given how much difficulty we had in getting here once she was here things would be 'easy'. Why, given all our struggles, couldn't breast feeding be easy for us? Why do I have to worry about her weight every moment of the day? Why, when she's awake, does it cause me so much anxiety cause I will know she will need to eat/want to nurse at any given moment? I need to have more items in my repetoire then just putting her to boob when she is fussy - but that's all she seems to want. Did anyone else have this issue and if so, what did you do to cope? I have tried several types of soothers and she isn't really keen on them. She freaks when I put her in the moby wrap....Hubby can calm her down by bouncing her on the ball...but I haven't had success with that.
Ugh....parenthood is HARD! People need to warn you about these early stages. I was so naive and felt that I could muster through anything and appreciate and love every trying time cause this is what I wanted.
I am stubborn/determined and for whatever reason I will not resort to formula yet. I know my life would be easier if I did...but I also know how horrible I would feel. I'm just not ready yet...maybe next week I will be but not today...