Well she's gone...

My good night sleeper is gone and nowhere to be found.  I have made myself sick over this.  I even went to the hospital and talked to a PPD social worker about my feelings.  I haven't been able to eat or stop crying.  She told me that it was serious sleep deprivation and not PPD causing my problems get sleep and everything will work out fine.  So last night, Hannah curled up beside me like she always does and nursed to sleep. Her and I fell asleep together and when daddy tried to transfer her, she woke up the first time but stayed sleeping the second only to wake up an hour later.  So, instead of fighting with her, I brought her into my little cocoon and there she and I both slept all night long.  Her suckling me for comfort/food and me holding her tight.  When my boob fell out of her mouth, she would let me know and I would help her relatch and we would both fall asleep. At 5:00 I thought that this had to end, and she would sleep in her own bed. I was successful at transferring her into her bassinet, however she was incredibly restless. She wasn't happy being by herself, so I opted to bring her back into bed with me and she mellowed out.  By doing this, I didn't get a single moment of time for myself (normally she would sleep for another 3 hours after waking where I could pump and just have 'me' time) but we were both well rested.  This has made the world of difference.  I emailed our sleep consultant about her sleep regression to see what she says.  Her response was defensive saying she has never heard a baby regress so badly from starting a sleep training regime (especially one that was aborted so quickly). She told me that since I'm not getting sleep anyways, that I should plow through and do the sleep training program so that I can get sleep again in a weeks time.  I partially believe her..however, something in my gut is telling me that my daughter NEEDS me right now. Either trying to separate her from me for a weekend (for naps) caused some separation anxiety or it is completely unrelated but I think she is telling me she needs to be with her mommy right now.  I am the one with the issue - not her. She sleeps for 2+ hours at a time in the ergo carrier and last night she slept all night long - didn't get up to cry or need consoling. So really I'm the one with the issue.  I was surprised with our consultants response - as she also identifies herself as an attachment parent and puts on attachment parenting workshops too.  If she was an attachment parent expert, wouldn't she have suggested that she is just needing mommy right now and to keep the training on hold...not rush into it?

Sleeping is such a 'hot' topic and I have literally made myself sick with worry.  Everyone else is making me feel I'm doing something 'wrong' by wearing my daughter and co-sleeping.  I may change my mind next week - but for right now I think I'll try and put myself intune with my daughter and listen to what she is trying to tell me.   

Where did my night sleeper go?

Ever since we attempted nap training, our little girls has been a HORRIBLE night sleeper.  2 nights ago she was up every 3 hours.  Last night, every 1.5-2 hours.  Could it be a growth spurt? A wonder week phenomenon?  I really fucked her up with sleep training? She wants to eat, but then eats till letdown then just comfort sucks and will wake if I take her off boob (or will wake in the hour).  I'm so friggen tired.  I want my baby back! If I didn't attempt nap training and this occurred I would have thought anything of it..but since we did I can't help but think I caused it. 

Sleep Training . . . on hold . . .

So I have this almost finished post unpublished where it talks about the 'success' we were having with sleep training this past weekend.  Our plan (created by a sleep consultant) was to put H to sleep (by nursing, rocking whatever) and then lay her down in her crib.  If she wakes up, put her to sleep again..repeate.  She feels that H is too young to cry alone, so we were starting off slowly.  The problem was, our daughter wouldn't sleep longer than 5-20 min.  I would constantnly be going in and putting her back to sleep.  This unknown schedule was giving me so much anxiety.  It affected her night sleeping as well and in the last 3 days of trying she has only had 1 good night.  I can't function like this.  I have been ill.  I'm not sure why.  So this morning when she woke up at 5:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep..I was beside myself.  I knew bringing her into bed was making things bad...but that's what I had to do.  Our sleep consultant said by not having night routine the same as day we were not setting her up for success.  We weren't ready to mess with night time as she was sleeping so well at night. 

So - today while crying to my grandmother and texting hubby ferociously, I am putting training on hold for awhile.  I need my baby to sleep.  She needs to sleep. Our little one has no self-soothing skills and I wasn't confident that this plan would even really do anything except make her really overtired and get her some-what used to sleeping in her crib during the day.

The real issue is WHY this whole thing, the unexpectedness and unpredictability of it all bothered me so much.  She wasn't crying - everytime she woke I put her back down.  So I can't blame hearing her cry the reason why I was so bothered.  But honestly for the last 3 days I feel sick to my stomach.  Literally.  It is nuts!  We had a groove and I guess I really needed that groove for things to feel okay.  I know it wasn't sustainable as my back is starting to kill and hubby and I don't get time with each other - but it was something I could count on.  Now, the unknown of it all is throwing me into a dizzy.  As I sit here with her in the ergo, I wonder if I made the right choice ...but thining of fighting with her all day for naps is just too much to handle.


I hope in time, she matures and learns to sleep better- but from what I read, I think we are going to have to help the situation some.  I don't think this weekend was a waste as it made me realize the work involved and will prepare me for when we are actually willing to sleep train.   We'll just have to wait and see. . .

Loves...

My baby girl is 14 weeks today and entering another 'wonder week saga'. This one apparently can last up to 5 weeks.  Although the crankiness has started, there are many things that make her happy and I can say she loves...

- her excersaucer - just got one on Friday and put her in for the first time.  She loves it! Talking to all her ' friends' and standing by herself.

- 'Hungry Hungry Caterpillar'  a co-worker gave us the Hungry caterillar as a gift.  It is the exact replica of the story. She loves chewing on the years and staring into its big eyes

- bouncing up and down on mommy's knee

- baby massage - my sister-in-law did a crash course in infant massage (she's a RMT) H LOVES being massaged - especially her face...but could care less about her back (still doesn't like being on her tummy much)

- Jolly Jumper - only been it it once, but I can tell it will be a sure hit once she knows how to bounce.

- moby/ergo carrier - yup still napping in these...she loves them that's for sure!

She is growing so fast! She's still on the small side but to us she is huge! 

The real birth

I found this saying on a Facebook parenting site I follow.  I saw it on a day where I was feeling conflicted with my duties as a parent and desires as an individual.  A bunch of friends were getting together and I desperately wanted to go see them, but I needed to stay home and be with my baby who has her first cold. The decision was obvious, but my feelings of wanting to just leave her and go were so strong.  I felt guilty for wanting to leave my sick baby.  Then I read this...it seemed so enlightening.  I am really struggling right now with the tasks of  becoming a mother.  My hubby and I argue because I feel he can go about his daily life and enjoy her when he feels like it, but I don't have a choice or an ability to hand her off and go about the things I would like to do. 

The birth of a mother is such a novel concept.  For some, I think it is natural.  For others it is learned.  When you have dealt with IF and miscarriage like I have, you think that since motherhood is so desperately sought after, it would be natural.  For me it hasn't been.  Breastfeeding, although it comes with a huge amount of anxiety and struggles, has forced me to become an attached parent.  It has forced me to put my selfish desires aside and focus on the needs of my daughter. However, I still struggle, sometimes hourly, with the level of commitment and work that go along with being a mother.  I am so NEEDED all the time. Sometimes that is such a wonderful feeling, other times it is so exhausting I just want to run away.

My actual labour was easy.  9 hours from start to finish.  No drugs.  Not really that much pain.  Her after-birth and all the health complications she endured were much harder then pushing her out. Although my labour was easy, I think, almost 13 weeks in, my soul is still trying to give birth to the mother inside me.  Unlike actual labour where medical interventions can speed things along and take away the pain, this labour I have to do all on my own and nothing can stop the pain.  Some days I think I have made huge strides, and then others I feel like I am back at the beginning.  I guess that's why it takes a year right?