Overwhelmed and Betrayed

Half hour ago I was on the verge of tears.  Actually, on the verge of hyperventilating from confusion and fear.  I'm a bit calmer now - but am still very overwhelmed.

I just had my appointment with the endocrinologist for my thyroid.  In short, she said that thyroid readings are very subjective in some situations and given I'm pregnant, my thyroid levels coupled with thyroid anti-bodies indicate a lazy thyroid and she has put me on a rather aggressive dose of Synthroid to get my thyroid stabilized.  Apparently new studies show that if you have a lazy thyroid while pregnant, your baby could have a lower IQ.  Given I work with students with disabilities - this scares me! 

All this information is very overwhelming.  I feel like it could have all been 'fixed' before 18 weeks pregnant!  Why didn't my fertility specialist pick-up on my thyroid anti-bodies?  Also, in the fall when they tested my thyroid, I am wondering now if there could have been something that would have triggered concern had she looked at it more closely?  Apparently, my numbers as they are right now, do not suggest a lazy thyroid to a 'normal' woman not looking to become pregnant.  So could tweaking have occurred earlier on?  I feel betrayed that when I EXPLICITLY asked her about the RPL blood work, she told me it all looked okay!  It WASN'T! This could have been treated earlier and not risk the chances of my baby being born with LOW IQ!! 

Also, with a higher TSH and knowing my FSH was high - this denotes a possible auto-immune issue.  The Dr today said it could be a possibility but they aren't going to explore it right now given I am pregnant. 

Oh - my B12 was low.  Something I have struggled with since I was a teen.  Could that have indicated something was up years ago?  Dr only told me to take vitamins - nothing more.

Overall, I have so many questions - like why was no-one ever willing to investigate anything further.  If it wasn't for my natropath, would this all have been missed too? Hubby says I should just be grateful I have a team of doctors working on my behalf now who ARE dealing with things and not to think about the whys from the past.  I know he's right - but could some of the heartache and pain I experienced over the last 2 years been alleviated?  And where do we go from here?  Obviously short-term goals are having a healthy baby - but once baby is born, do I loose out on all the specialists support?  Or will I be able to still be monitored and checked out to ensure things are good for potentially future pregnancies? 

I talked to my natropath and she agrees with going on Snythroid and she will help with the B12.  She also says she can help with auto-immune issues.  So at least I know I'm going on the right course of action.  She was able to calm me down again.  Hopefully everything is okay and Dragon is a healthy, relatively normal IQ baby! (I don't need an Einstein! LOL)

Attachment

Sometime after my 16 week OB appointment, I became attached.  I think it started when my grandmother took me shopping for maternity clothes or when I finally told my whole department at work.  But, I can honestly say I am now attached to this Dragon baby and am dreaming about the day of when I get to meet him/her rather than scared to death of loosing him/her.  Of course this means that in the back of my head I feel like I am jinxing myself - that because I have embraced this pregnancy and am getting excited, something will go wrong. However, hearing constant reassurance from people telling me that I'm "out of the woods" helps.  Although I know, being apart of this community, anything can go wrong at any time.  I really just need to focus on what can go right.  Being and staying positive is incredibly difficult for me.  Overall, I'm not a very positive person.  With my history, I know I have a right to be jaded.  However, it is time to be happy right?   I think I'm starting to feel Dragon move - however the movements are inconsistent and days will go by without feeling anything.  Thinking that maybe the baby is still here, moving around makes me so incredibly excited.  I long for the day when I get kicked and punched all the time that I'm sore.  I can only hope that happens sooner rather than later.  Also, knowing I get to see my OB every 2 weeks helps as I know I will hear the heartbeat which will help ease my mind.

I go for my 20 week ultrasound on June 13.  This just happens to be the EXACT day last year when I went for an ultrasound and found out my baby had died.  The ultrasound landing on the same date has me quite perplexed.  On one hand I am terrified that this day is cursed for me and that on June 13 I will yet again find out something is wrong with my baby.  On the other, I think it is kinda magical that I have a chance to redeem June 13 for me - that one year later I will see my beautiful, healthy baby and will have confirmation everything is okay and I wont have a dark cloud hanging over me on this date.  I have to believe the latter will be the case.  Luckily I see my OB 1 day later so I wont have the torture that I had last year after my ultrasound in fighting for care if something is wrong.  We wont be finding out the gender - it really doesn't matter to us and we (I) want the surprise.  However, finding out our baby is healthy and all internal organs have developed properly will be a dream come true.

I am so happy to hear that many of the Dragon babies are sticking around - but incredibly sad to know we have lost 2.  My thoughts go out to the mommies who are suffering from that hurt right now.

16 weeks and lovin my OB

16 weeks today and I went in to see my OB for my first prenatal appointment with her.  I love her.  I had her during my 1st miscarriage and I fell in love then.  Now, I'm head over heals!  She is so cute, quirky and just down-right motherly.  She totally acted on my anti-thyroid test and is sending me to an endocrinologist.  She think I may have / have had borderline hypothyroidism and believes that may have caused my miscarriages.  It is possible to have functioning thyroid but be suffering from hypothyroidism - and only the anti-thyroid test can indicate this.  Unfortunately they only run this test after repeat loss.  So she's sending me to the experts who will monitor me throughout the pregnancy just to be sure.  I didn't have to fight, advocate or anything.  She jumped right on it.  HUGE relief for a girl who is terrified of anyone in authority!

I heard the babies heart-beat.  She didn't have a measuring device on her doppllar but we heard it right away and it was easy to find.  I've gained 5 pounds since my 11 week physical.  But since I'm no longer sick - and eating a ton, I figure that's to be expected!

We'll go in a few weeks for our 18-20 week ultrasound.  No we wont be finding out the gender.  I have no desire. I will just wait and see what our little dragon comes out.  However, gut feeling is team blue.  Hubby and I and most of the family refer to it as a he - maybe because of the nickname dragon?  Much more masculine than feminine.  However, old age wives-tales would suggest baby is team pink. Higher heart rates, strong fetus (apparently females are stronger embryos and since we didn't miscarry one would think that it is stronger?!?!)  Anyways we'll love it the all the same.

Usually at this stage the OB would see me every 4 weeks - but since there is some unanswered questions regarding the thyroid - I'll see her again in 2 weeks and then another 2 after that.  She isn't concerned, but just wants to ensure things are going okay.  I don't mind - any time I go and hear Dragon the better!  Hopefully by then He/She is kicking up a storm!!

Starting to feel a bit more excited about this whole process.  My bump is getting bigger!  I think I may have felt the little one move here and there...but nothing that screams kick yet.  Everything seems good as if it just may happen AND I'm totally feeling like all my needs are being met!

Tonight I start aqua fit to introduce some more structured activity back into my life.  Should be interesting :) 

Musings

I haven't posted for awhile.  I haven't commented much lately either.  I have been reading religiously and have had things I wanted to post about - I just, I dunno, feel that what I have to say isn't worthy enough?  I'm not sure if that's the right term - words these days are hard to find.

Firstly, it is so incredible  the fertility dust that has sprinkled over so many people. I'm so excited and overjoyed to read about so many people's successes.  I pray and hope that these successes continue on and there isn't a wave of sorrow that follows it.  I feel that all these Dragon Babies will be big and strong (although some will be 2013 babies...in my mind they are all Dragons).  Please know if I am not commenting, I am so happy for you all!

In terms of where I'm at.  Things are okay.  The fear has subsided - for most of the days.  I see that my belly has grown some so I can only believe that it means my baby is doing okay.  The biggest compliment people can say is "Ooohh...you've got a bump!"  Most days I just look like I've gained weight and not pregnant - but it is starting.  I'm still not completely out of the closet.  Once I past the first trimester, a huge wave of detachment came over me.  I'm in complete disbelief that this is all really happening - so telling everyone freaks the hell out of me as I'm not ready for everyone's reactions and them seeing my fairly apathetic reaction.  It is weird.  Tuesday I see my OB and I'm sure they'll listen for the heartbeat.  I hope, that after that I will have more attachment. But then again, throughout this entire process I've said "after this then..." and I wait for another milestone.  I cannot wait to feel the baby so I can know it is in there healthy.

I am a bit upset by my fertility dr.  When asked about my RPL blood work, she said everything came back normal.  Well since I've graduated from her, she gave me all my test results to take to my OB.  I took the tests to my natropath so she can look them over and my anti-bodies for Thyroid and DNA were high.  Specifically thyroid.  The test even advised to re-test in 4-6 weeks.  This test was taken in the beginning of January.  So I'm confused - why then when I asked about it, did she say everything was fine?  If my anti-bodies for Thyroid and DNA were high, there is a reason why I miscarried 2 x.  However, my natropath did say that auto-immune (which higher anti-bodies is) is also a sign of a gluten intolerance.  So my natropath suggested I get my new OB to re-run a full thyroid panel and re-run these 2 tests to see if there is any change.  If so, then it would indicate that gluten WAS a trigger for me and going gluten free has helped me not miscarry again.  I just hope that everything is alright. Untreated hypothyroidism (which high antibodies for thyroid can indicate) can lead to developmental delays in a baby.  So I need to be sure everything is fine. 

Overall I'm feeling a lot better.  Nausea has pretty much disappeared.  The honeymoon period of pregnancy has set-in I guess!  Will post again after Tuesday to update on how the appointment went!

Body Image and Pregnancy

Throughout my entire life I have struggled with my body image.  Having a mother with anorexia, I have grown-up in a home where body image and the food obsessions were apart of my childhood for as long as I can remember.  As a child, I was very heavy.  When I hit puberty, I lost the weight - and then I stopped eating lunches, and I lost even more.  When my mother found out she was furious.  In high school, I gained some of  it back but since my early 20's, I've been consistently the same weight.  Since university, I would work out.  If not to control my weight but to give me peace of mind.  I always felt better about myself if I worked out - even if it were 1 day a week.  I wouldn't say I grew out of my body image issues, just came more content with how things were.

Now that I'm pregnant and into my 2nd trimester, you would think my body image issues would be creeping back.  They are - but in a totally new way.  I am obsessed about my tummy getting bigger.  There's nothing that would make me more happier than if I put on a pair of pants and they NOT fit.  Like I've mentioned before, I've lost about 10 lbs in the first trimester.  I think most of this is due to going gluten free.  My clothes are all big -although I have been relatively the same size, I have changed shapes over the last few years as my gym routine has changed.  I am cheap so I don't buy new clothes often and just wear my older, baggier pants.  Therefore, the logical part of my brain KNOWS it will be awhile before my pants are too tight.  However, each day that goes by that I can still fit into my old pants, is giving me a complex.  I want a bump so bad.  I don't care if it just looks like I've gotten fatter.To me, pregnancy is a sign of beauty that I want to possess.  It is an image I strive to obtain. 

 Or...maybe I just want to have proof that I have a baby growing inside me.Given my nausea has subsided some, there are days that I don't feel pregnant at all.  I still need reinforcement that everything is okay.

  Its funny, I hear and read about women all the time having a hard time coping with gaining weight and dealing with a growing waistline.  I definitely wont be that woman!  Right now, I just want to experience it all!!