It is difficult to sit back and be happy in what you have and not obsess about what you don't have. Last night we had my family over for Christmas dinner. The house was in chaos in the morning and hubby and I spent a lot of the day painting trim, finishing projects, cleaning and cooking so that everything looked amazing before everyone arrived. Unlike last year where my dad was pretty intoxicated, everyone was on their best behaviour. My brothers actually stayed around for a bit after dinner conversing with the family and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. It was honestly one of the best, cohesive family gatherings I remember in a long time. However, once the last person left and hubby and I sat by the fire with our drinks in hand, I started to become sad about how, if things were different, I would be nesting getting ready for our baby or if the second pregnancy lasted, we would have been celebrating with family that a new member would join us in June.
Why is it, even when things are good, I can't shake the birdie on my shoulder reminding me of what I don't have? How come, even though Hubby and I went to bed together and were laughing and genuinely happy, I couldn't just contently fall asleep? Instead I had to dream about how NEXT year we will have our baby or will be pregnant etc.
Today, Hubby's parents came for brunch and stayed till mid afternoon. The 4 of us had a lovely day together - yet once again, I couldn't stop thinking about what I didn't have and how Christmas day would be totally different if we had kids. Tonight I went to my mom's and did the same thing. It's like I can't enjoy the holiday, as it is a holiday made for kids. I can't believe Christmas is here and gone. Although I had really good time with family, I felt it was a farce as we shouldn't be celebrating if we didn't have kids to celebrate and share in the magic with.
Aunt Flow has just about left and hubby and I can finally start 'trying' once again after the last miscarriage. We find out our results next week - so we should be good for trying again. Although I don't count on anything happening anytime soon.
I need to take a lesson from hubby and learn to just live in the here and now and not think so much about what could be or what should have been. If I was able to just enjoy these last two days without thinking about our losses, I would find I would enjoy life more and have a much more positive outlook on things. Why is it we sabotage ourselves from being happy? Is it possible to be struggling with IF yet just take each day as it comes and TRULY live in the moment?
I have been having a lot of what if moments too :( I will say that the longer I deal with IF, the more I am able to focus on other things and not be consumed 24/7. It took some time to get here, but I refuse to let IF define every moment of my life anymore. I mean, what if none of this works? I want to have made other accomplishments too!
ReplyDeletesending you big hugs
I think it's only natural that our struggle with IF occupies a lot of our time and minds. Especially on holidays like Christmas, which is so strongly family-centered (for me, no other holiday speaks "family" as much as Christmas does). I guess it's like with any other process, that we go through different stages with IF (with any number of trackbacks and loops possible): denial, frustration, anger, grief, acceptance and so forth. And part of the process is learning to not let it destroy us. One of the Circle+Bloom sessions puts it nicely: negative feelings don't hurt us (or any new life that may be growing inside us) - it's the suppression of those negative feelings that does. I think it's important to enjoy the happy moments and not beat ourselves up over the sadness underlying even the happy times. I'm convinced that feeling "guilty" over what occupies us only makes it worse.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
If you figure out the answer, please share!! I spent alot of Christmas yesterday upset about Af's visit and therefore "missed" most of it. I have the same frustration!
ReplyDeleteICLW 89. It's not just you; finding the balance between being in the moment and anticipating good things in the future is hard.
ReplyDeleteI think it is very possible but also very difficult. I am sorry you are hurting so much. But I'm grateful you had a nice family Christmas. It's not a holiday just for kids, it's about family and togetherness and truly appreciating that gift. I hope 2012 is your year! Happy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I have a giveaway you may be interested in: http://stressfreeinfertilityblog.com/2011/12/19/injewels-giveaway/
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel! I get upset with myself because I also wish I could enjoy each day without constantly thinking about what could be.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's not just so easy as being happy with what we do have and not pondering on the things that we don't have. I suffer from this as well. I'm glad you could have a somewhat happy holiday, but I'm sorry you were missing the things you should have. Hopefully, next year will bring those things to you! Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteICLW #60
Well. You have perfectly summed up my holiday. It was lovely and wonderful, but when it was all over, I was filled with sadness and felt exactly as you did. I felt out of place because I did not have children to share the magic with the other children all around. Somehow, the magic of Christmas was missing. I thought I was going to be telling everyone about our pregnancy this holiday from our IVF.
ReplyDeleteGlad to have found you through ICLW!