It is difficult to sit back and be happy in what you have and not obsess about what you don't have. Last night we had my family over for Christmas dinner. The house was in chaos in the morning and hubby and I spent a lot of the day painting trim, finishing projects, cleaning and cooking so that everything looked amazing before everyone arrived. Unlike last year where my dad was pretty intoxicated, everyone was on their best behaviour. My brothers actually stayed around for a bit after dinner conversing with the family and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. It was honestly one of the best, cohesive family gatherings I remember in a long time. However, once the last person left and hubby and I sat by the fire with our drinks in hand, I started to become sad about how, if things were different, I would be nesting getting ready for our baby or if the second pregnancy lasted, we would have been celebrating with family that a new member would join us in June.
Why is it, even when things are good, I can't shake the birdie on my shoulder reminding me of what I don't have? How come, even though Hubby and I went to bed together and were laughing and genuinely happy, I couldn't just contently fall asleep? Instead I had to dream about how NEXT year we will have our baby or will be pregnant etc.
Today, Hubby's parents came for brunch and stayed till mid afternoon. The 4 of us had a lovely day together - yet once again, I couldn't stop thinking about what I didn't have and how Christmas day would be totally different if we had kids. Tonight I went to my mom's and did the same thing. It's like I can't enjoy the holiday, as it is a holiday made for kids. I can't believe Christmas is here and gone. Although I had really good time with family, I felt it was a farce as we shouldn't be celebrating if we didn't have kids to celebrate and share in the magic with.
Aunt Flow has just about left and hubby and I can finally start 'trying' once again after the last miscarriage. We find out our results next week - so we should be good for trying again. Although I don't count on anything happening anytime soon.
I need to take a lesson from hubby and learn to just live in the here and now and not think so much about what could be or what should have been. If I was able to just enjoy these last two days without thinking about our losses, I would find I would enjoy life more and have a much more positive outlook on things. Why is it we sabotage ourselves from being happy? Is it possible to be struggling with IF yet just take each day as it comes and TRULY live in the moment?