- I have no self-esteem and no self-respect for myself. Years of being bullied, a passive-aggressive mom dealing with her own mental health issues, a verbally abusive step-father and and alcoholic father created a toxic environment for me to be nurtured and gain a sense of my own self-worth growing up
- I have no confidence in my own decisions or actions - I seek validation from others
- Pregnancy was a way for me to feel validated in society - when that didn't work-out, I was taking comfort in being the victim to gain a sense of self-worth
- I bully my hubby and depreciate him, in order to build myself up (but he is too strong to ever give into my antics and I rarely get the outcome sought after and it usually ends up in a big argument)
- If I enter a situation where there is someone pregnant - I go into 'fight or flight mode' and become incredibly anxious wondering if I will ever become pregnant myself which then leads into a whole lot of self-depreciating thoughts
The Pity Party needs to stop. By seeking attention from others surrounding my losses, I'm only perpetuating this vicious cycle. I need to learn to be happy about others pregnancies and not seek attention for my losses; I need to retrain my thoughts so when another is pregnant, I do not freak out inside, but learn to have my thoughts of sadness to co-habituate with happy feelings for the pregnant lady.
This is all a wonderful plan on paper - but putting it into practice will be very difficult. Many days I will feel like I'm stuck in a rut with the wheels spinning out of control. I'll know I will need to change directions, but it will feel impossible for me to do so. When this happens, I need to learn to acknowledge my behaviour and admit I am making a mistake and move forward from there.