The {pity} party's over - everyone must leave!

So after Friday's therapy session with counselor #2, I realize that I am perpetuating my own depression. The cycle must stop.  I am suffering from grief - yes - but there is a lot more going on and I think I've made some headway into what it is. 

• I have no self-esteem and no self-respect for myself. Years of being bullied, a passive-aggressive mom dealing with her own mental health issues, a verbally abusive step-father and and alcoholic father created a toxic environment for me to be nurtured and gain a sense of my own self-worth growing up
• I have no confidence in my own decisions or actions - I seek validation from others
• Pregnancy was a way for me to feel validated in society - when that didn't work-out, I was taking comfort in being the victim to gain a sense of self-worth
• I bully my hubby and depreciate him, in order to build myself up (but he is too strong to ever give into my antics and I rarely get the outcome sought after and it usually ends up in a big argument)
• If I enter a situation where there is someone pregnant - I go into 'fight or flight mode' and become incredibly anxious wondering if I will ever become pregnant myself which then leads into a whole lot of self-depreciating thoughts

That's the root of everything - how to change the way I feel and how I act will take awhile and a good dose of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  It isn't going to be easy, but by changing my behaviours, I can change my thoughts and feelings so that I can be happier with this whole process.  I need to change the way I see myself so that I can be a stronger person. I need to understand that pregnant or not, I deserve love and am capable of making a decision.  I should be able to validate myself - rather than look for validation from others. 
The Pity Party needs to stop.  By seeking attention from others surrounding my losses, I'm only perpetuating this vicious cycle.  I need to learn to be happy about others pregnancies and not seek attention for my losses; I need to retrain my thoughts so when another is pregnant, I do not freak out inside, but learn to have my thoughts of sadness to co-habituate with happy feelings for the pregnant lady.

This is all a wonderful plan on paper - but putting it into practice will be very difficult.  Many days I will feel like I'm stuck in a rut with the wheels spinning out of control.  I'll know I will need to change directions, but it will feel impossible for me to do so.  When this happens, I need to learn to acknowledge my behaviour and admit I am making a mistake and move forward from there.