Sunday, December 11, 2011

The {pity} party's over - everyone must leave!

So after Friday's therapy session with counselor #2, I realize that I am perpetuating my own depression. The cycle must stop.  I am suffering from grief - yes - but there is a lot more going on and I think I've made some headway into what it is. 
  • I have no self-esteem and no self-respect for myself. Years of being bullied, a passive-aggressive mom dealing with her own mental health issues, a verbally abusive step-father and and alcoholic father created a toxic environment for me to be nurtured and gain a sense of my own self-worth growing up
  • I have no confidence in my own decisions or actions - I seek validation from others
  • Pregnancy was a way for me to feel validated in society - when that didn't work-out, I was taking comfort in being the victim to gain a sense of self-worth
  • I bully my hubby and depreciate him, in order to build myself up (but he is too strong to ever give into my antics and I rarely get the outcome sought after and it usually ends up in a big argument)
  • If I enter a situation where there is someone pregnant - I go into 'fight or flight mode' and become incredibly anxious wondering if I will ever become pregnant myself which then leads into a whole lot of self-depreciating thoughts
That's the root of everything - how to change the way I feel and how I act will take awhile and a good dose of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  It isn't going to be easy, but by changing my behaviours, I can change my thoughts and feelings so that I can be happier with this whole process.  I need to change the way I see myself so that I can be a stronger person. I need to understand that pregnant or not, I deserve love and am capable of making a decision.  I should be able to validate myself - rather than look for validation from others. 
The Pity Party needs to stop.  By seeking attention from others surrounding my losses, I'm only perpetuating this vicious cycle.  I need to learn to be happy about others pregnancies and not seek attention for my losses; I need to retrain my thoughts so when another is pregnant, I do not freak out inside, but learn to have my thoughts of sadness to co-habituate with happy feelings for the pregnant lady.

This is all a wonderful plan on paper - but putting it into practice will be very difficult.  Many days I will feel like I'm stuck in a rut with the wheels spinning out of control.  I'll know I will need to change directions, but it will feel impossible for me to do so.  When this happens, I need to learn to acknowledge my behaviour and admit I am making a mistake and move forward from there.


  1. I'm sure that was a lot to digest. Don't worry, I'm new to your blog, but if you need to have a pitty party I'll still be hear to listen. I think therapy is great for some people, but in the end you still have the right to feel upset/disappointed/angry at yourself/situation/others.

  2. I'm a huge, huge fan of cognitive behavioral therapy. It does take time, but that was really the key for me to be able to start moving forward after I found out about the infidelity.

    And reading your diagnoses was like looking in a mirror for me. I've learned most of those same things about myself. Some days are better than others, some worse. I hope you find a way to make a difference for yourself and your happiness.

  3. Wishing you strength for journey out of "pity party land" into the land of happiness.