Saturday, December 3, 2011


This post will read more like a stream of consciousness - as I don't really have the strength to do much else and I need an outlet right now.

I thought I was doing better - but now I am not.  I sit here, on a Saturday night feeling so completely alone.  Hubby has moved to the spare room as he cannot stand my behaviour anymore.  I am pushing him, along with everyone else away.  I am watching myself sabotage my own life without the ability to stop it from happening.  I pick fights at every opportunity and then yell at him for abandoning me.  He can do no right and now I got what I wanted - to be completely alone. I feel so dead inside nothing is helping to bring back joy.  The smallest tasks, feel like mountains that I cannot overcome.  Everything is overwhelming me and I feel like I have completely lost control.  I wish the universe could just swallow me up and take me away.  I don't feel like I belong here anymore as there is no one who can help.  I just want the pain to end. I want to be myself again and I don't see how that will happen.  Why did this set-back happen?

The holidays are just bringing more reasons to be sad and angry than joy.  I just wish it could all go away. 

When will the pain end? Will I ever feel like myself again?


  1. Amanda - Grief comes in waves, and sometimes when you least expect it. You have had 2 losses in such a short period of time, it is no wonder you are feeling so depressed. Have you gotten any counseling? I have found it life changing. Please, please hang in there. There will be a day when you will feel better, I promise.

  2. Oh Amanda, I just wish I could grab you and give you the biggest hug ever!! To try and shoulder some of this pain for you and just ease your pain for a little while. I can tell you that your feelings are not crazy, out of line or even abnormal. We need time and space to grieve. It will stress your marriage and every other relationship you have but I don't think we can help that.

    We found a group in our area known as HEAL, I talked about it some in a post yesterday and it has been such a blessing to us. I don't know if there's anything like this around you but if there is I would encourage you to go. If not, maybe check into speaking with a counselor. I would've never seen myself going to a support group or speaking to a counselor, but then again, I never saw these awful things happening in our lives.

    I can't tell you when it will get better or how but I have to believe it will. I still have those really bad days but they don't come as frequently as they used to. Take time for yourself and when you can, take time for you and hubby and protect each other. Most of the time, all we have is each other.

    Sending you lots of love and hugs!!! xoxo

  3. Hoping this might cheer you up this morning: I wanted to let you know I gave you an award!

  4. Just found your blog on Stirrup Queen's Dec. list, and thought I'd stop by early to say hello. First off, I'm so, so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Unfortunately, I can relate to much of your pain and issues with your husband.

    I've come to the conclusion that men just do not get it. We also started ttc in April 10, and finally (with an RE's help) got pregnant in June. We lost the baby at 9 weeks, and I have been completely devestated. My husband, not so much. To us (women), it was our child. We loved them unconditionally from the moment we found out. If you're anything like me, you imagined your baby in every aspect of your life, from the nursery, to how to spend holidays and just in your life in general. Men (most), I believe, don't think about those kinds of things. My husband has even told me he wouldn't love a baby until it was born and he could see it. So to him, it wasn't real. And while I am still struggling so much, I realized that if I didn't at least accept that is how he feels (though I do not agree), our marriage would be over. And I don't want that.

    I haven't read the rest of your blog yet, so I'm not sure how your husband has been supporting you through this, but I'm guessing whatever it is hasn't been enough. I am a hypocrite for saying this, but have you thought of counseling? Maybe even marriage counseling if you don't want to go alone. I personally am not a fan of counseling (bad past experiences), and find it most helpful to talk to others who have been there. I'm probably not the best person to talk to as I'm not exactly in a happy place myself, but we have a lot in common and I'm here if you ever want to talk. My e-mail is on my blog.

    I feel the same way about the holidays. They definitely do not bring joy like they used to. I don't know when your pain will end, or if it even ever will, but hopefully you will start to at least have more good days than bad. That's my goal right now. It's the little things, right? Here's a big hug to you, Amanda. Take care.


  5. I know this feeling so well. When you can feel yourself sinking so you're aware that this is not going to end well but you're already so far in that you can't do anything to stop it. I know how hard it is feel anything positive when you're in a situation like that. The only thing that has made me feel more normal again has been the antidepressants. But then sometimes I wonder if I'm feeling normal from them or if that is fake too.

  6. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. The holidays to not help matters. Take a deep breath, sweetie. Lots of deep breaths. We're here for you. Talk it out.

  7. Amanda, I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. Sending you a big hug. Sometimes the grief and depression can feel so overwhelming. It does not affect husbands in the same way at all.

    You will start feeling more consistently good again someday, but it will take time. Go easy on yourself.

  8. I'm so very sorry that you're in this place. IF is an unfair bitch who wreaks havoc in all areas of our lives. And it's hard when our partners are not in the same place. It can make you feel so alone and vulnerable. Like no one can help you and that you're doing everything wrong.

    But you're not alone in this. I've been there (ended up in marriage counseling because of it) and still struggle with it daily. And what you're feeling is not abnormal. Hell, I'd be worried it everything was wonderful considering what you're living with. Hang in there and now that if you ever need to talk, scream and virtually hit something, we're here.

    BTW: I'm providing you with a source of distraction. I've given you an award. If you're feeling up to it, stop by.