I want to preface this blog by stating I do not mean to disrespect or insult anyone's beliefs or religion. These are the issues I am grappling with and hope to gain clarity by writing.
Up until recently, I have always had faith - but I wouldn't consider myself religious. I went to church as a kid with friends - my family NEVER attended and it was always a joke that I would go with many of them. As I grew older, I saw the hypocrisy amongst people who went to church and I couldn't handle the judgement from my peers. I felt organized religion was doing a dis-service to me, rather than helping so I stopped attending. I also questioned many of the teachings and beliefs. However, I have always had faith in a higher power. I believe that in some areas of my life, I have been so completely blessed that it would be next to impossible for me to have gotten where I've gotten without some sort of divine intervention/guidance.
When we were TTC, each month I would pray that this would be the month I would get pregnant. I would pray more for comfort and a feeling I had control over the situation by praying as if by asking it would happen. Friends, who were very religious and attended church, told me they would pray for us too. I figured if they were praying then obviously if there is a God, talking to him would help our situation. However, as I stated in the Dumpster Baby post, when I would hear about all these unfit mothers giving birth I would question the whole situation and ask why God would allow those people to get pregnant and not us. It didn't make sense.
When I got pregnant both times, I thanked God and prayed and prayed and prayed that everything would be okay with my baby. I never stopped praying - especially the second time. I had everyone around me praying for my baby. When each pregnancy ended, the prayers changed from asking for a healthy baby, to asking for strength to get my through the hell of healing. In every stage I, and those around me, prayed. It wasn't until after everything was finished with the second pregnancy I realized that my prayers jumped from one topic to another without batting an eyelash. Why would I pray for a healthy baby, and then pray for strength to get through the miscarriage if God didn't answer my prayers for a baby?
What makes me wonder, is if there is a God, what 'control' does he have over this whole baby-making business. Where does divine intervention take over from basic human biology? Why would friends, who I would say have 'extreme faith', pray for me to get pregnant if they didn't think God had any part in the process? So many of these people have said to me over again that "God has a plan for you, the baby you lost just wasn't in his plan. When you are meant to have a baby, you will" As if that is supposed to help console me right now. I then wonder at times, if I can't get pregnant on my own, isn't this a sign that God doesn't want me to have kids? Do we go against God's plan for us when we seek out Fertility treatments to help us get pregnant? Or did God allow man to create the science to help facilitate baby making for those who can't?
I've spoken about these topics with friends - both religious and non - and they all say I am over analyzing the situation and thinking about things way too much. However, right now when my world is shaken to the core, how can I not think about the bigger picture and where things all stand? Right now the puzzle pieces just don't fit and for the first time I don't have blind faith and I am questioning everything when it relates to babies. My Gr. 12 history teacher used to tell us that "religion is the opiate of the masses" in terms of how the Christian religion was used to brainwash people in the middle ages to live a complacent life. Now, thinking of our situation, I keep hearing his words over and over again and wonder if it is just that. In present day, our lives can be just as bleak and lonely as those living in the Middle Ages and maybe we are looking for something else to believe in to allow us to escape from the reality of our rat race. For me praying was a way for me to try and control something I have no control in. It isn't until now, that I'm not trying and realizing it may just be biology, that I feel more at peace with the situation.
How do you answer the infertility dilemma if you are religious and believe? In your mind, where is the line between Divine Intervention and basic human biology?