If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Today has been an incredibly rough day. All my positivism and hopeful thinking has gone out the window. Today, not only have my symptoms been essentially non-existent, I have allowed my head space to go where it hasn't gone yet this pregnancy - to doom and despair. In a semi-conscious sleep this morning, the words "You're having a miscarriage again" entered my head and haven't left. All day, they have rolled off my tongue easier and more willingly than "you will take home this baby". Talking about this pregnancy to hubby, as if it will actually happen just seems fake to me. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this funk. I keep rolling over the mantra "today you are pregnant and have no real reasons to believe it isn't the case" but it doesn't seem to help. He just says that I will create a self-fulfilled prophecy again if I keep up this thinking. It was just a week ago where I was convinced that this is my time to bring home a baby and everything will work out. Now, I'm convinced the other will happen. How does this happen and why do I allow myself to get into this funk? They 'say' mother's intuition is usually right - now I'm paranoid.
I just really want this to work out so badly! I am so sad. I have no reasons to believe it wont, but also don't have any reasons right now to know it will. I have no follow-up beta's or ultrasound until the 27th. All I can do is hope things are different this time around, or hope that my body does what it should do and give me a sign that things aren't okay.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me!
I know I haven't commented in a while, but I want you to know that I've been thinking of you a lot, hoping everything is okay, and you're able to have more good days than bad ones. Fingers are crossed!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts! I appreciate all the love I can get :)
DeleteKeeping everything crossed and hoping and praying you find some comfort and peace. Hugz!
ReplyDeleteThank you for all your support!
DeleteIf you are really freaking out, go get an ultrasound sometime after 6 weeks. Since you've had past miscarriages your OB should be more than willing to give you an unnecessary one strictly for your peace of mind, if they're not then find another OB. With this pregnancy #2 after my miscarriage all Dr.'s Obs and midwives have gone out of their way to ease my worries and all I've had to do is ask to get special treatment. The stress from the worry is no good and if extra testing or scans will help you then do it.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately my Fertility Dr is on holidays and then we are away - so the earliest I can get an ultrasound is the 27th. I need to wait until I am referred back to my family Dr before I can get an OB. Plus - I wont be seen by an OB until 20 weeks or so. Because of holiday schedules, things are a bit messed up. Normally I would have a 6 week ultrasound.
DeleteOh honey, I hope that this is just your anxiety speaking, and that it's not a case of intuition being right. If it gets too difficult, go for another beta (it's probably too early for an ultrasound, as it was for me this past Wednesday).
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed for everthing to be already and tons of hugs to you!
Thank you for all your love!
DeleteI'm pretty sure it was anxiety speaking. I went to bed super early last night and just meditated for a bit. I woke up this morning feeling blah (semi-nauseous) and the girls are feeling full and tender once again. I think I just needed to get my fears out - blogging helps with that!
This time is the hardest. All the uncertainty of how the pregnancy is progressing because you're still so early plus your history of losing two babies already. I completely understand where you're coming from. But symptoms come and go. That's just going to happen. And so far everything has been different about this pregnancy. So I have faith that this will be your THB. And though yesterday was tough, I hope that will today there is hope again. Hang in there and sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteThere's no such thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy in this case. Your baby will be or will not be, regardless of what's spinning through your head. I'd like to think that mother's intution gets trumped by anxiety and heartache (and self-preservation) when you've had losses. The whole time I was pregnant, I kept saying to my husband "we need to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy because we never know when it might be taken away". Little did I know, it would be taken away from us. If I ever get another opportunity to be pregnant, I hope that I can have the strength to enjoy every moment again.
ReplyDeleteThe way you are feeling is completely normal after loss. Hang in there dear and try reassuring yourself that this time it WILL BE different. :)
ReplyDeleteCheering you along! I hope you can regain the positiveness you felt the other week.
ReplyDelete