If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Today has been an incredibly rough day. All my positivism and hopeful thinking has gone out the window. Today, not only have my symptoms been essentially non-existent, I have allowed my head space to go where it hasn't gone yet this pregnancy - to doom and despair. In a semi-conscious sleep this morning, the words "You're having a miscarriage again" entered my head and haven't left. All day, they have rolled off my tongue easier and more willingly than "you will take home this baby". Talking about this pregnancy to hubby, as if it will actually happen just seems fake to me. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this funk. I keep rolling over the mantra "today you are pregnant and have no real reasons to believe it isn't the case" but it doesn't seem to help. He just says that I will create a self-fulfilled prophecy again if I keep up this thinking. It was just a week ago where I was convinced that this is my time to bring home a baby and everything will work out. Now, I'm convinced the other will happen. How does this happen and why do I allow myself to get into this funk? They 'say' mother's intuition is usually right - now I'm paranoid.
I just really want this to work out so badly! I am so sad. I have no reasons to believe it wont, but also don't have any reasons right now to know it will. I have no follow-up beta's or ultrasound until the 27th. All I can do is hope things are different this time around, or hope that my body does what it should do and give me a sign that things aren't okay.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me!