Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ocean musings

Yesterday hubby and I went and watched the waves coming in from the ocean. The strength and vitality of the ocean is nothing other than amazing. It really makes you realize that there is more to this world than we can comprehend. Too often i gett wrapped up in my own world and forget there is more going on then whats in my head. As much as i wish I could have sat and watched the waves and been totally clear headed, thoughts of this pregnancy and what could go wrong still swirled around. I want to be here enjoying everything and being able to live in the moment and truly live and enjoy this vacation...yet the fear of what could be happening is paralyzing me. Last night, I brushed my hair and a lot of hair fell out when i combed my hair. I know that this is very silly, but with the cramps and this I couldn't help but go back to a dark place from my last miscarriage. This morning, the cramps are gone, but my back is starting to hurt. I know that this could be from sitting for long periods or being out of routine but once again it all takes me back to a dark place. I wish I had the ability to truly live I enjoyment of this pregnancy. How does one, who has experienced what I have gone through, embrace pregnancy and trust my body will do what it needs to? Last week I really thought that I had turned a new chapter...that I was fully in this and okay with everything. After seeing the ocean, and realize that there is so much in life we can't control it made me even more anxious about this pregnancy. Relaxing and having too much time to think really messes with my head I think. I am better to be in a routine where I cant think too much. Am I normal? Are the fears, thoughts and anxieties I am constantly battling a normal part of pregnancy or am I overreacting? How do others sit and realax?


  1. Honestly, I think it's an active process where you need to chose where your mind will be. This is hard, as thoughts will come and linger. The point isn't to fight those thought, but to acknowledge that they are there and then move you mind on to other things.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself. Vacations can be rough, especially when what you need is distraction. But there is healing that can happen by giving those negative thoughts to the waves and letting them be pulled out to the sea.

  2. I respectfully disagree with Cristy. I don't think you can control where and what your mind does when it's trying to protect itself from the devastation of loss. You have to let it run it's course.

    Yes, you are very normal, the fears thoughts and anxieties are a normal part of pregnancy after loss. I was gripped with a pretty overwhelming fear through most of the first trimester of this pregnancy. My first baby died in the 8th week and I didn't find out about it until the 12th week, so the whole first tri was reaching those milestones and surpassing them. That was ALL i was focused on, not enjoying pregnancy.

    But now as I hit 18 weeks I am definitely beginning to relax and enjoy pregnancy a bit. Constant thoughts of miscarriage are gone but of course now I'm concerned with preterm labor...but that's a whole other issue! The growing belly helps IMMENSELY and I don't think I was really able to accept pregnancy until the bump started to show up.

    I promise it gets easier as you surpass milestones of past losses. Is all you can think about now is how you lost your others, but when you pass those milestones you won't have anything to look back on, you won't have a past experience to taint where you are anymore and thus there's nothing for your mind to do but to look FORWARD.

    Give it time, you can't force it.

    And as for vacations while pregnant? I just returned from a trip to NYC and I can now wholeheartedly say that I will never fly while I'm pregnant ever again. Being too far away from my midwives was too much for me and in the future we will not be going anywhere that is more than a car ride away!

    But nevertheless try to enjoy your vacation a little!

  3. I can't say I've been where you are, but I think what you are feeling is extremely normal. I, too, get caught up in my thoughts and too much alone time can drive me crazy. At the same time, I need that time to sort through the thoughts that are already there. Let those thoughts and feelings breathe. Journal a bit. Allow the thoughts to have their say, and then release them, as you would a helium balloon. Hoping you can find a way to enjoy the rest of your trip. And if it would make you feel better, why don't you call your doctor maybe for just some reassurance.

    1. Thanks. I want to have control over my thoughts and allow them to be released....however that is easier said then done I think. I feel like I am in a rock and a hard place in terms of my dr situation. I haven't seen my fertility dr yet aside from getting blood work done at the beginning (but I didn't see her then....just the nurse) and my dr is on holidays for 2 weeks....hence why I have to wait till the 27 for my first ultrasound. Once I am released from her, I will go with my family dr until I get an ob at around 20 weeks. And I know that right now....all anyone will say is that there is nothing that can be done.....there is either a baby growing or there isn't. I am very grateful I have this blog and a wonderful support system to help me get through these rough patches!

  4. I lost my first baby at 8w4d, but didn't find out until my 12 week appointment. I was about 17/18 weeks before I started to relax. I'm 38 weeks today with my second pregnancy, and I still have anxiety about losing this baby. I think, once someone has a loss like us, it'll take holding your baby in your arms and knowing its okay before that anxiety and fear goes away. That's what I think about myself anyway. What you're feeling is very normal for someone who is pregnant after a loss though.

    I wish I had advice on how to relax. I did everything but that during my first trimester. Some days I felt pregnant, others I didn't. It was a very emotional rollercoaster for me. Relaxing is better said than done, but it does get better! Jesica is right -- with each milestone your fears lessen.

  5. Just sending you a hug. Let it run it's course and be good to you.

  6. How are you doing? Thinking of you!