Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Yesterday hubby and I went and watched the waves coming in from the ocean. The strength and vitality of the ocean is nothing other than amazing. It really makes you realize that there is more to this world than we can comprehend. Too often i gett wrapped up in my own world and forget there is more going on then whats in my head. As much as i wish I could have sat and watched the waves and been totally clear headed, thoughts of this pregnancy and what could go wrong still swirled around. I want to be here enjoying everything and being able to live in the moment and truly live and enjoy this vacation...yet the fear of what could be happening is paralyzing me. Last night, I brushed my hair and a lot of hair fell out when i combed my hair. I know that this is very silly, but with the cramps and this I couldn't help but go back to a dark place from my last miscarriage. This morning, the cramps are gone, but my back is starting to hurt. I know that this could be from sitting for long periods or being out of routine but once again it all takes me back to a dark place. I wish I had the ability to truly live I enjoyment of this pregnancy. How does one, who has experienced what I have gone through, embrace pregnancy and trust my body will do what it needs to? Last week I really thought that I had turned a new chapter...that I was fully in this and okay with everything. After seeing the ocean, and realize that there is so much in life we can't control it made me even more anxious about this pregnancy. Relaxing and having too much time to think really messes with my head I think. I am better to be in a routine where I cant think too much. Am I normal? Are the fears, thoughts and anxieties I am constantly battling a normal part of pregnancy or am I overreacting? How do others sit and realax?