Why I love nausea

Symptoms are the only thing that allow me to relax and know that my body is doing something right.  Although nothing is guaranteed, I can only hope that if I am sick, the fetus/baby is growing properly.  I have been known, in the past few weeks since the nausea came on, to go longer than I should without eating.  To go to bed hungry to ensure that when I woke up, I would feel sick so that I would get that reassurance I needed.  Since drinking a glass of water is pretty much an immediate trigger for throwing up, (and since I'm thirsty and I need a refreshing drink of water) I'll drink an entire glass in one swoop - only to throw it and whatever else is in my tummy up.  This, although it makes me feel awful, makes me feel comforted that my symptoms are real.

So you could only imagine how excited I was this morning when I woke up sick at 6 am having gone to bed immediately after eating a bowl full of pasta!  I felt horrible this morning.  I called in sick cause I know that if this morning is starting off like this - the day wont be much better.  I didn't need to 'trick' my body to feel sick this morning...it did it all on its own.  Now, truth be told, I feel miserable. I'm not complaining, but having thrown up multiple times in the past few days would do that to a person.  I don't want to eat but know I need to.  Whenever I do eat or drink I have to run to the toilet.  I wretch all the time.  In fact, the thoughts of going on diclectin to help with the nausea have entered my mind.  As fun as it all is now - I am not sure I could go on like this for another 3 weeks.  But I will - cause it is the only thing I have to remind me that I am pregnant and that things can be okay. 

I know that nothing is ever guaranteed.  I had nausea - not to this extent - but definitely some with my first pregnancy that ended at 9.5 weeks (I found out at my 12 week ultrasound).  I know  a girl who was horribly sick with her 3rd pregnancy, to loose the baby at 14 weeks due to neural tube defects.  Nothing is guaranteed.  Which makes this all so scary!  They 'say' each pregnancy is different and because this one is so different than my first and second, maybe it means everything will be okay? 

Tomorrow's ultrasound is causing me great concern.  I'm worried about getting the water into me I need (remember fluids make me puke) and also that office immediately makes me feel sick.  I always get sick to my stomach whenever I walk in there ...even for blood work.  So tomorrow going in with a full-bladder will really make me feel awful.  I'm very scared. 

All I can think of is this nausea and puking would be a very cruel joke for the universe to play on me if I find out tomorrow the fetus is dead.