Thursday, June 14, 2012

One Year Ago

One year ago I was in the most emotional pain and agony I have ever thought possible.  On Monday June 13, 2011 I went in for my 12 week ultrasound only to find out that the baby had no heartbeat and had died at 9.5 weeks.  The next 3 days were torturous as I had to fight to receive medical attention to start to miscarry. 

On June 13th 2012, I went in for a 20 week ultrasound and saw a baby that was alive.  Moving around and being difficult for the ultrasound technician to get the proper shots she needed.  You would think, after seeing my baby yesterday I would feel more joy and be relaxed about the pregnancy.  Instead, I'm still nervous and anxious.  The ultrasound tech couldn't tell me anything. I don't even know what the heart rate was!  For almost an hour, she sat there still faced trying to get the images she needed, only asking me to change positions so she could get the necessary pictures.  At one point, she said "if this baby doesn't move, we'll be in big trouble".  I know she meant that she wouldn't be able to finish her scans, however it brought a huge lump into my throat.  I can't seem to shake it.  I go tonight to see my OB to find out the results of my ultrasound.  I hope after seeing my OB tonight, I'll be more at peace.  

Hubby and I went out for dinner to celebrate and to bring new meaning to June 13 - however, I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate.  I think I'm partially morning the loss of our first baby and terrified that our 3rd has something wrong with it.  I'm not sure why I feel this way or how to shake this frump. 

Maybe tonight I'll be in a better mood?


  1. Ultrasound techs have NO IDEA what kind of influence they have over us! I've thankfully so far not had an issue but if they are silent or ever go "hmm" I am basically about to burst into tears!!

    It's okay to not be able to "rededicate" June 13 when it so clearly stands out as a sad date. Maybe June 14 will be the happy date, instead. :)

  2. Aw. I'm so sorry this scan wasn't a happy one for you. It's so scary going in and watching the ultrasound tech for reassurance or just anything! I know you will have good results though and hopefully you can re-celebrate later. That is terrible that you couldn't get all the news you wanted to get on the 20 week scan. It should be a happy and exciting time. Gosh, if she would have said that to me, I would have been feeling kind of down all night too!

  3. Ugh, I'm sorry the ultrasound tech made this so hard for you. Your "halftime" scan really should've been a milestone of healing for you. So sad.
    But: you're baby is alive and kicking! That's a good sign.
    I really hope that your OB will be able to help you get into a better mood and start to relax.

  4. I really hate some techs. I went to school for U/S and there were some people there that totally shouldn't have been. I hope you got some peace of mind at the appointment.

  5. Doing an ultrasound is a no joke work. You need to be very accurate and must be keen to details. I'm sorry if you haven't felt the TLC from your sonographer. Maybe she's just having a hard time or experiencing too much pressure. You could ask next time.