One year ago I was in the most emotional pain and agony I have ever thought possible. On Monday June 13, 2011 I went in for my 12 week ultrasound only to find out that the baby had no heartbeat and had died at 9.5 weeks. The next 3 days were torturous as I had to fight to receive medical attention to start to miscarry.
On June 13th 2012, I went in for a 20 week ultrasound and saw a baby that was alive. Moving around and being difficult for the ultrasound technician to get the proper shots she needed. You would think, after seeing my baby yesterday I would feel more joy and be relaxed about the pregnancy. Instead, I'm still nervous and anxious. The ultrasound tech couldn't tell me anything. I don't even know what the heart rate was! For almost an hour, she sat there still faced trying to get the images she needed, only asking me to change positions so she could get the necessary pictures. At one point, she said "if this baby doesn't move, we'll be in big trouble". I know she meant that she wouldn't be able to finish her scans, however it brought a huge lump into my throat. I can't seem to shake it. I go tonight to see my OB to find out the results of my ultrasound. I hope after seeing my OB tonight, I'll be more at peace.
Hubby and I went out for dinner to celebrate and to bring new meaning to June 13 - however, I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I think I'm partially morning the loss of our first baby and terrified that our 3rd has something wrong with it. I'm not sure why I feel this way or how to shake this frump.
Maybe tonight I'll be in a better mood?