Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Sadisitc or Supportive?

My heart is breaking right now for blogger Courtney who has just lost her rainbow baby.  It seems like everywhere I turn, there are more bloggers experiencing heart ache.  I often frequent the LFCA each Monday to see what's going on, and am often upset by the hurt some women are experiencing.  Given my own history, I know how incredibly healing writing and receiving support from women who have been in the trenches has been for me.  However, I'm starting to think that late 2nd or 3rd trimester losses are commonplace and that baby loss is a norm rather than a freak occurrence.  I'm at a crossroads right now, wondering how I should proceed. 

Hubby has often said that I need to stop reading about what could happen based on the accounts of others and start thinking about how normal this whole pregnancy thing could be.  He thinks that by dwelling on others losses, I'm enabling myself to live in perpetual fear and therefore not embrace this pregnancy like I should.  On one hand I think he is 100% accurate.  On the other, I think that knowing what can happen is powerful so that I don't get my hopes up too high. 

How does one separate the two?  How do you read and support other women who are going through hell, while still maintaining your own sanity and not succumb to the fear that their world can fall on you too?  Is it a weird form of sadism that I gravitate to reading blogs of others who have experienced so much heartache?  Or am I just trying to be supportive and gain a wide-spread blog readership?  It is funny, not once have I ever looked for blogs that pertain to families who conceived normally and had no complications.  My reading list is comprised of women who have children with special needs, have had loss, are struggling with IF or have just had a baby after IF or loss.  According to my list, it would seem that it would be a miracle to conceive and have a normal, healthy baby in a timely manner.  I'm loosing touch as to what normal is. 

I love the work Mel has done in helping create this wonderful community for women to gain support.  However, I'm wondering if it is time I back away a little.  If the community that is supposed to provide comfort and reassurance, is, by its very nature, creating anxiety and fear, doesn't that defeat the purpose?

I don't really have any answers and I guess it is completely a personal choice.  I'm assuming that many women deviate and find their own path after they no longer need the support from the IF/Loss community, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.  It feels like I just joined and that in all respects, I'm still an amateur in the whole world of blogging. 

I guess time will tell.  In the meantime, I wish all of the ladies experiencing pain, strength and support during this difficult time.  I am thinking about you all.


  1. I completely hear you on this one. Just last night DH told me that I'n not allowed to read sad blogs before I go to bed (I was in tears and feeling so needy). I think one thing that helps is finding a good support system outside of blog-land, so that if you do need to step away for a bit, you have other people to support you. And having some of those people who have not gone through these horrible losses/struggles seems like it would probably be wise too. I know at first, this was the only place I could get support. I'm slowly branching out and I think that is healthy for me.

  2. I think only you can answer this question. I think the question becomes, are you feeling like you're doing yourself more harm than good from being supportive. If the answer is no, then I would continue with the norm. But I also think that it can become very easy to only see the pain and to work one's self into a constant state of worry. And that's not good.

    Look, do what is best for you. No guilt, no apologies. Right now, you need to take care of yourself.

  3. I also struggle with this. I agree that you have to listen to your heart and head.

  4. I have at times in my journey had to take time out from message boards and IF blogs. I think it is healthy, and certainly if they are causing you more stress than reassurance I think it's wise.