Saturday, January 21, 2012

The Why Game

My cycles have been always regular.  I would start spotting between days 21 and 24 and get my period a couple days later. I would always get my period before or on day 28.  Ever since the investigation cycle, they have been wonky.  During the investigation, I didn't ovulate until day 16 and then my period came on day 29 (spotting from day 26).  Last cycle, I'm sure I ovulated almost a week late.  My period should have come on Friday, but it isn't in sight at all.  No spotting  - nothing.  Now, normally I would be jumping the gun and thinking it is because I'm pregnant, but since I know I ovulated late, my rational brain just keeps saying that my period will come late.  But why - why is my body giving clues that it is failing me, now that I have the answers when for the 2 years I was trying, I never once got any signs (except for some spotting) that things were wrong?

My boobs have been hurting me like crazy the last couple of days. Once again, I can jump the gun and think it is an early sign of pregnancy, but my rational brain is telling me how unlikely it is.  Sore boobs, although I know I have had them with some cycles, haven't been something I have ever really experienced a lot - or at least for so long.  So why then, now, with this cycle, is my body doing these crazy things?  Why do I have to go for days and days of wondering and questioning everything - only I'm sure to see AF by the end of next week?

I am really, really trying to just allow fate to take its course and try not to stress about the diagnosis or what will happen.  I'm trying to just live my life and find enjoyment in day to day living.  So why, why when I am trying so very hard to turn this corner, is my body making it so very difficult to not think about pregnancy and fertility?  Every move I make it literally is in my face (or the pain in my chest).  I can't help but think about what is or is not happening.

Ugh - I can't win for loosing it feels.

**before everyone gets too excited - I did wake up this morning and POAS.  BIG.FAT.NEGATIVE - so I do KNOW I'm not pregnant**


  1. I hate that no matter how busy I am the "Am I pregnant?" or "What's wrong with me?" questions pop up at random times. I wish I could unplug that section of my brain sometimes. It's so hard not to overanalyze or even think rationally most of the time. Blah. I feel for ya.

  2. I hate when my cycle is actually consistent for a little bit and then goes back to its crazy ways. It totally messes with your brain and emotions! Hang in there honey. Hugz!

  3. visiting for ICLW :-)

    Its right when we want to ignore something most that it comes to the forefront of our brains. Figures. I'm sorry your cycles seem to be spinning out of whack :-/ As a control freak, I totally understand how crazy it can make you to not know why your body is doing something.

  4. Ugh I hated reading this because I have been there so many times and know how much it sucks, I feel for you.

    An ICLW Visit from #3 (mfi, speedskating, trying again)
    liddy @ the unfair struggle

  5. Here from ICLW too. Also have been there in the wondering and hoping. Usually when I finally decide to give in and test, AF comes that day or the day after. It's like psychologically I'm holding it back. Ugh, why can't I psychologically just make it work instead?

    1. I almost wish this has happened! I POAS again (I know ...I shouldn't do this to myself) still negative).

  6. So hard not to over analyze every symptom, possible cause and diagnosis! We come to know our bodies so well.

  7. Oh's THE worst roller coaster ride on the planet! I hate the 2WW, and I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with it right now. May you have all of your answers soon!

    ICLW #60

  8. I hate when my cycle seems to get in to a regular pattern but then wham all screwed up again and tricking you in to thinking that maybe just maybe this month was it. I hope it is just a one off and you get back to normal next cycle or better still a bfp would be amazing!

    Hi from ICLW #18