Sunday, January 29, 2012

Master of our own destiny?

Are we the Masters of our Own Destiny?  Can we will something to (or not to) happen?

My daily reading passage of Simple Abundance the other day suggested that maybe we are and it has been toying with me for a few days now. (I've included a page devoted to this book so new readers can understand what this book is).

The book states that many of us don't live in the moment and that we "unconsciously create dramas in our minds, expecting the worst form a situation only to have our expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Inadvertently, we become authors of our own misfortune.  And so we struggle from day to day, crisis to crisis, bruised and battered by circumstances without realizing that we always have a choice."

I would like to think that a medical diagnosis like Infertility, isn't something one can wish upon oneself, even though I jumped to many conclusions when we weren't successful in the first few months of trying.  I would also like to think that it will likely take more than just positive thinking to recover from IF, however, I have seen first hand how someone, through prayer and positive thinking / willpower, has recovered from cancer - many, many times.  My uncle, must be close to 14 years ago now, was diagnosed with cancer.  He was given less than 1 year to live - 40% success rate.  He and his family were very religious and prayed and prayed and prayed. He had prayer cards coming to him from Europe even!  Within a year, his cancer went into remission.  Only to resurface again...and again...and again.  He's had bone marrow transplants, so many rounds of chemo he can't have it anymore, radiation treatments, graph vs host disease and had such serious infections he was on life support.  The family thought he wouldn't make it.  The priest was in to say the last prayer. When the doctor asked if it was time to pull the plug, the family said yes and embraced one another for the end....but the end never came.  5 years later he is still going strong.  When he was first diagnosed, he only had 1 of his 5 children married - now 4 of 5 are married and he has 10 grand-children and 1 on the way.  He has beaten the odds.  I definitely think positive thinking and a refusal to give up has allowed for him to live for as long as he has.

When I got pregnant the first time, I was so scared of a miscarriage.  A good friend had one in the fall and I was devastated for her (she was only trying for a couple of months when they got pregnant).  I couldn't imagine going through something so horrific myself.  Then, early spring I found out another friend had experienced one as well.  I was terrified of having one myself.  I thought having a miscarriage would kill me - having gone through 1 year of trying already.  I never embraced the pregnancy and was terrified for the 11.5 weeks I was pregnant. When we found out we had lost the baby, I was devastated.  It was the hardest thing - both physically and emotionally - I had ever gone through.    Given this passage quoted above, could I have, in some weird way, willed this pain upon myself?  I stressed day and night about loosing the baby.  I never once rejoiced in the miracle of the pregnancy - even after we saw the heart beating at 6 weeks. When I got pregnant again, I was calmer - but still very anxious about the entire process.  All I kept thinking about was experiencing a repeat pregnancy loss - and then I joined that club too.  Throughout the entire process of trying, I was/am so negative about everything thinking that there was something 'wrong' with us.  Now, we are waiting for confirmation/more information on whether or not I have Premature Ovarian Failure.  One of the more bleak diagnosis out there.

My rational brain is telling me that nothing I could have done caused my miscarriages or my diagnosis.  However, if you only knew what was going on in my head for the last two years.  I definitely create dramas in my own head and jump from crisis to crisis.  I cannot just ever be content and live my life in the present. I always live for the future. When we saw the Dr. and she said that signs pointed towards P.O.F, I jumped on the bandwagon convincing myself I was experiencing premature menopause.  Then, that cycle, I ovulated a week late and had my period was over 1 week late.  I had never, NEVER had that happen in the 2 years of trying.  Hubby thinks there is something in that - given I stressed SO MUCH - could I be willing this diagnosis on myself? Or expediting the process?  Given that I have seen proof on how prayer and positive thinking can have positive outcomes, I can only imagine that it can affect fertility too.

How does one change how we view the world and possibly re-write our own future? By changing my attitude, and just live in the moment and be happy with my present, could I change my future too?

*note, I do not think that everyone's diagnosis or miscarriage is brought on by their own negativity.  I'm only pondering about my own story- I do not mean to offend anyone in this blog entry by suggesting heartache comes to those who will it upon themselves.*


  1. I believe in positive thinking. Maybe I am naive since I haven't been through a lot with IF. I do know what could happen, but I chose to not think about that and put all of me into every cycle we do.

  2. I always wonder if I self-sabotage. But I can't help thinking negative thoughts and whenever I think positively I'm just disappointed. It's such a vicious cycle. It's not like we can help it. It's like Lucas says in Empire Records. "Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear."