We did it!

We told our families that we are pregnant.  Well Hubby took a picture of the dog in a shirt that says "big sister" and sent it to his family.  Everyone has emailed back commenting on how cute the dog looks in a pink shirt and no one has mentioned the message - to they are either being coy or they 'technically' don't know yet.

I - not wanting to actually call/see my family and tell them, sent them  a picture of the ultrasound and said 'Surprise!'.  So far the reaction has been positive.  My dad called and wished us well and my 19 year old bro came on the phone and said how awesome it all is.  I don't want to disappoint!

Since we didn't tell anyone in our families about the last 2 pregnancies until we miscarried this is a very, very big step.  It is like we are actually allowing ourselves to believe that this could be it. 

Kinda freaks me out.

Know what else freaks me out?  Since the ultrasound my nausea has abated - don't nearly feel as sick and my back has been really sore.  Dr. Go.ogle has said that back pain is cause for alarm but I think it is more muscle pain from sleeping so much in the last few days.  Only time will tell.  The lack of nausea - although disconcerting is kinda  a relief.  I think some of it has to do with the lack of anxiety leading up to the ultrasound and the fact that hubby is home and is doing more cooking/meal prep.  I was always horrible at fending for myself when he's away.  We'll see what happens.  Boobs have started to become sore again and my exhaustion is in full swing.  Kinda feel like 5.5 weeks pregnant and not 9.  Hopefully things aren't going backwards.

I still keep telling myself we aren't out of the woods.  Our first fetus died at 9.5 weeks.  However, I don't want to think about that.  I want to just be happy!

We got the OB we wanted - first appointment is May 15 - seems so soon!

Just trying to stay positive and stay peaceful.  See how long that lasts ;)

Dragon Baby

162 Beats per minute!!

Our Dragon baby is ALIVE!! Dating at 9 weeks exactly (2 days ahead of schedule but given how early we were able to test I figured I was a bit earlier).

Yolk sac measuring normal.

Everything looks good! Super happy!

My fertility Dr is following me right up until my OB will take over. This is such a huge relief as with my first m/c I had so many dr's involved and I had to fight to get an OB to take care of things. I love how when I go for an ultrasound - I walk upstairs and see the dr and get all the information. So if anything is wrong, she will deal with it right then and there. I wanted a midwife - but given my experience with them the last time, I'm okay with having an ob. I'm thinking, if finances allow, of going with a doula to help with the birthing process. But we'll figure that out later.

Next step is 11 week physical. Then I'll have a 12 week ultrasound there.

Lovin things right now. Although my first pregnancy ended at 9.5 weeks - I know I'm not totally out of the woods yet...but I have a good feeling about things. Praying all continues to go well. They didn't have the ultrasound sound on...so I'm a bit bummed I couldn't hear the heart beat - but it is still possibly be too early so I'm okay with it at the end.

Praying all continues to go well.  Thanks for everyone's well wishes! Continue to keep us in your thoughts!

Why I love nausea

Symptoms are the only thing that allow me to relax and know that my body is doing something right.  Although nothing is guaranteed, I can only hope that if I am sick, the fetus/baby is growing properly.  I have been known, in the past few weeks since the nausea came on, to go longer than I should without eating.  To go to bed hungry to ensure that when I woke up, I would feel sick so that I would get that reassurance I needed.  Since drinking a glass of water is pretty much an immediate trigger for throwing up, (and since I'm thirsty and I need a refreshing drink of water) I'll drink an entire glass in one swoop - only to throw it and whatever else is in my tummy up.  This, although it makes me feel awful, makes me feel comforted that my symptoms are real.

So you could only imagine how excited I was this morning when I woke up sick at 6 am having gone to bed immediately after eating a bowl full of pasta!  I felt horrible this morning.  I called in sick cause I know that if this morning is starting off like this - the day wont be much better.  I didn't need to 'trick' my body to feel sick this morning...it did it all on its own.  Now, truth be told, I feel miserable. I'm not complaining, but having thrown up multiple times in the past few days would do that to a person.  I don't want to eat but know I need to.  Whenever I do eat or drink I have to run to the toilet.  I wretch all the time.  In fact, the thoughts of going on diclectin to help with the nausea have entered my mind.  As fun as it all is now - I am not sure I could go on like this for another 3 weeks.  But I will - cause it is the only thing I have to remind me that I am pregnant and that things can be okay. 

I know that nothing is ever guaranteed.  I had nausea - not to this extent - but definitely some with my first pregnancy that ended at 9.5 weeks (I found out at my 12 week ultrasound).  I know  a girl who was horribly sick with her 3rd pregnancy, to loose the baby at 14 weeks due to neural tube defects.  Nothing is guaranteed.  Which makes this all so scary!  They 'say' each pregnancy is different and because this one is so different than my first and second, maybe it means everything will be okay? 

Tomorrow's ultrasound is causing me great concern.  I'm worried about getting the water into me I need (remember fluids make me puke) and also that office immediately makes me feel sick.  I always get sick to my stomach whenever I walk in there ...even for blood work.  So tomorrow going in with a full-bladder will really make me feel awful.  I'm very scared. 

All I can think of is this nausea and puking would be a very cruel joke for the universe to play on me if I find out tomorrow the fetus is dead. 

Update

Please-if you know me in real life, please keep what I'm about to say to yourself. Do not share this information with anyone else and do not talk to me about it until I'm ready to share the news. This is my space to vent and do with it as I need. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

Just thought I'd give a quick update.  

Spotting was a one time thing.  Not sure if I just aggravated my cervix with the progesterone applicator that morning or if it is a sign as to what's to come on Tuesday.

My nausea has kicked into high gear.  I usually throw up once or twice a day - while living in a constantly nauseous state all day long.  However, my breasts are not sore anymore. Not at all.  This is causing me some pretty high anxiety as the loss of this symptom in my last pregnancy made me think something was wrong.

I'd like to think that everything is okay.  With the ultrasound so close now, it is all becoming so real.  I'm so scared that it will result in another heart ache.  I haven't had any luck in the past with ultrasound appointments.  My last 3 have only given me bad news.  So I have no idea what a good news ultrasound will be like.  This scares the hell out of me.  

Hubby is home in 48 hours.  I can't wait for him to be here.  I'm also afraid that my body is just holding out until he's home to truly fall apart.  Like a miscarriage wouldn't happen while he's away, but then once he's home and I can relax, all hell will break loose.  

Or everything can be perfect and Tuesdays appointment will result in an amazingly positive, happy time for us.


I just have to focus on that right? 

Uh Oh ...

Please-if you know me in real life, please keep what I'm about to say to yourself. Do not share this information with anyone else and do not talk to me about it until I'm ready to share the news. This is my space to vent and do with it as I need. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

 Just when I'm starting to get comfortable and relax about everything.  Just when I'm starting to feel really sick and throw up on a regular basis.  Just when I am really starting to believe that 'this is it'.  


I go to the washroom today and see a pink/red mucus discharge.   


I have no idea what to do.  I'm at school today teaching - can't just leave.  Hubby is in B.C so I really don't want to go to the Dr's/hopsital to find out bad news when he is here.  


I have to teach at the college tonight and tomorrow is parent-teacher interviews.  I had to cancel the interviews last semester due to my 2nd miscarriage.  I cannot cancel them again this time.  I really don't want to find out anything bad until after tomorrow's interviews.  


I have no idea what to do.  


Just trying to stay calm - however difficult that can be.  


Why is this happening to me again?!?! 

Home Sweet Home

Please-if you know me in real life, please keep what I'm about to say to yourself. Do not share this information with anyone else and do not talk to me about it until I'm ready to share the news. This is my space to vent and do with it as I need. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

 Ahh...coming home from a vacation has never felt so good.  I don't know if it was the weather (and knowing we were missing gorgeous spring weather here back home) Hubby's anxiety about a potential Tsumani/earthquake that kept him up most nights (thereby keeping me up), the horrible pillows at our cottage, my never-ending anxiety about this pregnancy and all that could happen being so far from home..but I'm glad to be back.  We DID have a good time and I am glad we went.  However, there was a lot preventing both of us from fully enjoying ourselves.  However, we did get to re-connect with great friends once we left Tofino and spent a night in Squamish.  It was so nice to see them.  They have a 2 year old daughter who is just so cute.  Hubby has been great friends the man for years so it was nice to see them reconnect too. 

In terms of my pregnancy, thank you thank you thank you to all the lovely, kind words of encouragement.  My last post was needed to release some of the negative energy I was holding in.  After writing it, things became a lot more relaxed inside.  Sometimes I think it is just a release I need.  I have definitely started to get more sick - overall, including the 2x today, I've thrown up about 5 times on the trip.  Not quite once a day, but it is certainly more than I ever had with my last 2 pregnancies.  Water does it to me...so if anyone has a suggestion on how I can still keep fluid down without throwing it back up, I'd love to hear it.  

I'm still having twinges of pain - specifically on my left side but it does jump to my right once and awhile.  I am not sure what it is, but since it isn't 100% of the time and hasn't been that painful, I'm pretty certain it isn't ectopic pregnancy pain (or at least I'm praying it isn't).  Since I've had pain on the right, I figure if it were ectopic wouldn't it be solely in one place? As far as everything else goes....I guess I just have to wait and see how things turn out.  Only 1 week and 1 day left until the ultrasound.  Which I'm both excited and extremely nervous for.  Nausea is such a funny thing - when I have it, I feel awful and just want to die.  When it is gone, I'm worried that there is something wrong.  Too bad I just can't allow things to take its course.

Tomorrow I go back to work - I'm so, so tired.  I can't imagine working all week.  Plus, to top it off I have to teach Wed night AND I have parent-teacher interviews on Thurs.  Ugh.  Gonna be a long week! 

Ocean musings

Yesterday hubby and I went and watched the waves coming in from the ocean. The strength and vitality of the ocean is nothing other than amazing. It really makes you realize that there is more to this world than we can comprehend. Too often i gett wrapped up in my own world and forget there is more going on then whats in my head. As much as i wish I could have sat and watched the waves and been totally clear headed, thoughts of this pregnancy and what could go wrong still swirled around. I want to be here enjoying everything and being able to live in the moment and truly live and enjoy this vacation...yet the fear of what could be happening is paralyzing me. Last night, I brushed my hair and a lot of hair fell out when i combed my hair. I know that this is very silly, but with the cramps and this I couldn't help but go back to a dark place from my last miscarriage. This morning, the cramps are gone, but my back is starting to hurt. I know that this could be from sitting for long periods or being out of routine but once again it all takes me back to a dark place. I wish I had the ability to truly live I enjoyment of this pregnancy. How does one, who has experienced what I have gone through, embrace pregnancy and trust my body will do what it needs to? Last week I really thought that I had turned a new chapter...that I was fully in this and okay with everything. After seeing the ocean, and realize that there is so much in life we can't control it made me even more anxious about this pregnancy. Relaxing and having too much time to think really messes with my head I think. I am better to be in a routine where I cant think too much. Am I normal? Are the fears, thoughts and anxieties I am constantly battling a normal part of pregnancy or am I overreacting? How do others sit and realax?

Vacationing while pregnant

Please-if you know me in real life, please keep what I M about to say to yourself. Do not share this information with anyone else and do not talk to me about it until I M ready to share the news. This is my space to vent and do with it as I need. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

So hubby and I are in ucluelet on the coast of Vancouver island. We flew out on Sunday and stayed the night in Victoria. Yesterday we did the long, windy, mountain drive to the coast. That drive was something else! I think there were 5 mountain passes in total. In a few of them, there was a lot of snow and we saw many cars and trucks on the side of the road barried in snow. We realized how scary the whole drive could be. We only rented a mazda so we hope the weather holds up and on Friday when we make the drive back, we don't face too much snow! The coast is beautiful! Of course hubby is worried and stressed about a potential earthquake and tsunami. He has an evacuation route worked out and made me gather necessary belongings last night in case we had to leave right away. It is funny, he gets frustrated with me a out freaking out and worrying about this pregnancy saying things like you should just enjoy yourself and don't stress as you can cause a miscarriage to happen, yet he is full of anxiety about an earthquake that, although one may occur in the next few years, the chances of it happening in the few days we are here is probably seldom.

I was feeling pretty sick last week leading up to the trip. I was really worried about how I would fare on the flight. Of course on Sunday my symptoms pretty much vanished. Normally
People would be happy that they don't feel like throwing up on a plane -for me, it made everything so much worse. Yesterday morning I felt a bit more pregnant, but still not really nauseous so I prayed. As many of you know, my faith has been quite shaken through the previous 2 losses and whole IF thing, but I figured, praying wouldn't hurt. So I prayed for a sign that everything would be okay. I said that being sick makes me feel good about this pregnancy so I will take whatever comes my way. I wasn't feel much of anything when I said that prayer, but not 20 minutes later an overwhelming bout of nauseau came on and I ended up throwing up! This was the first time I had puked! It was a very bizzar moment. Now anyone could argue and say that it had nothing to do with my prayer and that with pregnancy comes vomiting, but it was too concicential for me.

I have been having these weird cramps on and off these past few days. Of course I am worried, but they felt more like growing cramps rather than contracting period like cramps. However, last night I started to get this weird cramp almost in my left groin. Right where my underware sits. I realized this wa occurring after I got out of the bath. Hubby told me that it was my groin and not uterus or overies so that I shouldn't worry about it. However, it lasted all night and it still pretty intense this morning. Of course I consulted dr. Google and it looks like it could be round ligament pain - but at just shy of 7 weeks I shouldnt be experiencing this. I also read that if it persists or gets worse, to go see a dr. Well since I am 3000 kilometers away from home, the last thing I want it to go to an er, wait for 6 hours for some dr to either tell me it's nothing or that I am having a miscarriage and nothing can be done to stop it. Has anyone experienced this kind of pain so early in their pregnancy? Please let me know! I hope it's nothing!

Overall, my anxiety hasn't ruled over me and I have been able to enjoy some of this trip. If. The pain would just subside, I hope I can continue to enjoy it!

Doing much better

Thanks, once again, for all the love! I am truly grateful to have this wonderful community of women to help me get through these rough times. 

I'm feeling much better about things (by feeling better I mean feeling nauseous and exhausted).  I have all confidence that there is a baby growing ... for now. 

Hubby and I leave for our trip on Sunday.  Flying to the west coast for some much needed R and R.  I'm a bit scared of the flight.  Even though I've researched that it's perfectly safe, I'm just worried as it does increase your chances of miscarrying.  This trip was booked long before we found out about this baby and we feel it is important to go.  We can't get our money back anyways. 

Crossing my fingers everything is okay!

I can't do this anymore

If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private.  I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form.  I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know.  This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

Today has been an incredibly rough day.  All my positivism and hopeful thinking has gone out the window.  Today, not only have my symptoms been essentially non-existent, I have allowed my head space to go where it hasn't gone yet this pregnancy - to doom and despair.  In a semi-conscious sleep this morning, the words "You're having a miscarriage again" entered my head and haven't left.  All day, they have rolled off my tongue easier and more willingly than "you will take home this baby".  Talking about this pregnancy to hubby, as if it will actually happen just seems fake to me.  I don't know what to do or how to get out of this funk.  I keep rolling over the mantra "today you are pregnant and have no real reasons to believe it isn't the case" but it doesn't seem to help.  He just says that I will create a self-fulfilled prophecy again if I keep up this thinking.  It was just a week ago where I was convinced that this is my time to bring home a baby and everything will work out.  Now, I'm convinced the other will happen.  How does this happen and why do I allow myself to get into this funk?  They 'say' mother's intuition is usually right - now I'm paranoid. 

I just really want this to work out so badly!  I am so sad.  I have no reasons to believe it wont, but also don't have any reasons right now to know it will.  I have no follow-up beta's or ultrasound until the 27th.  All I can do is hope things are different this time around, or hope that my body does what it should do and give me a sign that things aren't okay. 

Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

5 weeks today

If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private.  I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form.  I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know.  This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

 
Today marks week 5.  It seems as though I have known about this pregnancy forever.  Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks.  Hard to believe (according to my LNP) that I am only 5 weeks.  3.5 more weeks until my 1st ultrasound.  I will make it to then.

Thanks for all the love re: my obsession/fear over symptom analyzing.  I'm still obsessing every moment.  Yesterday I was  more nauseous than I have been yet, and had tender boobs all day but the fatigue had lifted.  Today, I am tired, no boob tenderness and the nausea is pretty much gone.  Very different symptoms from day-to-day.  I don't think there is much I can make from these sorts of things.  I also have to keep telling myself that it is still SO early and that pregnancy symptoms probably haven't really hit yet because typically they don't start until 6 weeks. 

Man this will be a long road!  I just have to keep positive that 'today, I am pregnant'.