Holy Appointments!

I'll be 23 weeks on Sunday.  Getting so close to the big viability milestone!  I saw my Dr today and things are perfect :) 
Dragon is measuring (from fundal height) right on track.  HOWEVER, since I am on a higher dose of Synthroid, I have to now be monitored for fetal growth to make sure Dragon continues to measure on track.  Starting at 24 weeks, I have to go every 4 weeks for an ultrasound so that they can keep an eye on things.

Therefore - my medical schedule for the rest of my pregnancy is as follows:

OB - every 2 weeks until we get to every week
Ultrasound - Every 4 weeks
Blood work - Every 4 weeks (checking for thyroid levels)
Endocrinologist - Every 5 weeks (approx 1 week after the blood test)

That coupled with the fact that our prenatal classes begin a week Monday and will continue every Monday till mid August, I think the rest of this pregnancy will FLY by!!

We're heading into a long weekend - and as a teacher, this long weekend usually represents the start of summer vacation and ultimate relaxation.  However, given I am going to teach summer school (needs the money), I only have a week off before I go back into things again.  Since hubby and I are in a wedding at the end of August, and we have friends/family staying with us in Aug and Sept - I've looked at my calendar and the ONLY free weekend I don't have anything planned (or have to worry about marking/prep for summer school) is OCTOBER 13!!!! That's only 2 weeks before Dragon is suppose to arrive!!! I can't believe it!!

This baby is going to be here before we know it!  Hubby's countdown on his smartphone says 122 days!  I know we'll have time to relax and get ready.  I know my summer will have breaks - but with so much going on...it is hard to feel like I will have time to relax before I meet my son/daughter.  I guess I'll be okay with that as I'm really getting excited :)

Doulas are booked!

Wow! Last night was epic!

In Canada, Midwives are covered by OHIP if you choose to have a midwife rather than an OB.  If you want extra support in labouring, you can hire a Doula on your own.  Given I had always wanted to have a midwife, but given our circumstances of needing to have a dr, I toyed with the idea of getting a Doula.  Really, for me since I'm so cheap, the cost always prevented me from looking into this further.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I got wind of a student Doula who was looking at getting hours to complete her training.  I emailed her to see if she was still needing hours.  Unfortunately, my sources were old - and she had graduated a year prior.  However, she offered to set up a plan to help pay for her services if and when we decide to go with her.  Well, I didn't really think anything of it as I wasn't ready to book anything to do with labour and delivery in my first trimester.  A few weeks ago, this Doula emails me back asking how I was doing (I know, a good business venture...but I'll pretend she was just caring about me).  At the same time, I saw my natropath (who I'm in-love with) advertise for this Doula's services.  In my mind, I guess I figured if Shelley promoted this service, than I should jump on board!  Given my total fear of a needle in my spine for an epidural, and Hubby and mine's cynical approach to Western Medicine and pharmaceuticals, I really do want someone in the delivery room with me who I can bounce ideas off of and feel confident with.  I know that many times nurses/dr's will persuade you to use drugs to speed things along when it isn't necessary.  Also, given there is no guarantee my OB will actually be on-call to deliver my baby and really, dr's are only in the room for such a brief period of time, I want people in my court who I trust.

So last night Hubby and I went and consulted with the Doulas. We both felt so relieved and comfortable, we signed the contract and gave our deposit!  EEEEKKK!! The girl I originally emailed has gone into a practice with another Doula and offer so many great and wonderful things.  I immediately clicked and felt safe and comfortable with both women.  The package we have includes labour and delivery as well as 20 hours of postpartum support.  During this time, my primary doula can do anything from dishes, make dinner, grocery shop, help with breast feeding etc.  Before the birth, I have 2 meetings that will discuss my birth preferences and they will go through everything that I should think about.  They will even go with me to medical appointments if I need an extra support person if Hubby isn't available as well as attend a breast feeding support group with me the first couple of times until I'm comfortable!  

It is non-refundable so if something happens we are out!  This is such a HUGE step for me - hubby was so proud we went out for cheesecake afterward to celebrate! I literally was so excited I had a crazy dream about them and was up at 4 am wide awake and excited like a kid at Christmas.

Now dragon....please don't make all this money be for nothing! Stick around and lets put these ladies to good use :)

A positive post :)

In 20 weeks, or 140 days, I could be giving birth to our Dragon baby. 

This is all starting to become real. 

Am I still scared - yes.  To death.

However, the excitement and anxiety over finishing everything that needs to be done before Dragon is born is taking over.  This is a NORMAL feeling to have (according to my books). Since bullets seem to fit my mood today, you'll get bullets:

•   Hubby and I are bickering about finishing the nursery.  We just bought the flooring last night (another item checked off the list). He just now needs to instal it.  Given our recent heat-wave, he hadn't made much progress.  Now that it has cooled off some, I'm hoping he can do more this week.  Fighting/arguing over babies room stuff is NORMAL.  I love it :)  Don't get me wrong, I don't love arguing with my hubby, but for once it seems like it is all normal.  I'm sure everyone goes through these conversations with their partner as he sits on his kester for a week without moving a finger in the house, while I can't do ANYTHING for the nursery as I'm pregnant.  It is okay!  (Since we have friends staying with us in August for maybe a week, a wedding in August we are both in that will take up many of our weekends, our shower planned for early Sept and his brother staying with us for over 2 weeks in September - we do have a fairly tight time-line to get things ready before the baby arrives.  I want everything done before our shower on Sept. 9)

• Physically I'm feeling okay.  My sciatic has held up.  Even after a long 2 hour walk with the class yesterday, I'm not limping in pain :)  However, early this morning I did begin to experience the infamous leg cramps people have warned me about.  

• At aqua-fit the other night, 2 middle-age Portuguese ladies were talking to my friend about her baby (She's Portuguese too...I live in a very Portuguese city).  They then went to me and pointed to my belly and asked me questions about how far along I was, if I knew the sex etc.  Then, in Portu-English, they were bickering to each other on whether or not I would have a boy or a girl.  It was awesome!  I must have had such a silly grin on my face!  A - for complete strangers to notice I am pregnant and B- for them to treat me as if there is nothing that could go wrong and fill me with the old-wives tales of Girl vs Boy debate.  I loved every awkward moment of it :)

• Dragon is moving around more and more - however some days still tend to me busier than others.  It still scares me when I don't feel him/her move constantly.  I just need to learn how to relax.  

• This week I have a wack of medical apts.  I will get reassurance that things are okay once again!  

Overall - life is good.  This baby is going to be here soonish!

A Hoax?

It was a hoax?  Courtney from The Other Side of the Rainbow's post about loosing her Rainbow baby was a hoax?  I'm mystified.  My heart broke for her loss -as I'm sure many hearts were breaking.I never thought, in a million years, people would make up this type of pain and suffering.  I guess it shows my ignorance in this whole blogging world.  I will continue to read and follow the ladies I've been following and simply have faith that their stories will turn into happy ones :)

http://warriorelihoax.wordpress.com/2012/06/21/other-side-of-the-rainbow-is-a-hoax-too/

Sadisitc or Supportive?

My heart is breaking right now for blogger Courtney who has just lost her rainbow baby.  It seems like everywhere I turn, there are more bloggers experiencing heart ache.  I often frequent the LFCA each Monday to see what's going on, and am often upset by the hurt some women are experiencing.  Given my own history, I know how incredibly healing writing and receiving support from women who have been in the trenches has been for me.  However, I'm starting to think that late 2nd or 3rd trimester losses are commonplace and that baby loss is a norm rather than a freak occurrence.  I'm at a crossroads right now, wondering how I should proceed. 

Hubby has often said that I need to stop reading about what could happen based on the accounts of others and start thinking about how normal this whole pregnancy thing could be.  He thinks that by dwelling on others losses, I'm enabling myself to live in perpetual fear and therefore not embrace this pregnancy like I should.  On one hand I think he is 100% accurate.  On the other, I think that knowing what can happen is powerful so that I don't get my hopes up too high. 

How does one separate the two?  How do you read and support other women who are going through hell, while still maintaining your own sanity and not succumb to the fear that their world can fall on you too?  Is it a weird form of sadism that I gravitate to reading blogs of others who have experienced so much heartache?  Or am I just trying to be supportive and gain a wide-spread blog readership?  It is funny, not once have I ever looked for blogs that pertain to families who conceived normally and had no complications.  My reading list is comprised of women who have children with special needs, have had loss, are struggling with IF or have just had a baby after IF or loss.  According to my list, it would seem that it would be a miracle to conceive and have a normal, healthy baby in a timely manner.  I'm loosing touch as to what normal is. 

I love the work Mel has done in helping create this wonderful community for women to gain support.  However, I'm wondering if it is time I back away a little.  If the community that is supposed to provide comfort and reassurance, is, by its very nature, creating anxiety and fear, doesn't that defeat the purpose?

I don't really have any answers and I guess it is completely a personal choice.  I'm assuming that many women deviate and find their own path after they no longer need the support from the IF/Loss community, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.  It feels like I just joined and that in all respects, I'm still an amateur in the whole world of blogging. 

I guess time will tell.  In the meantime, I wish all of the ladies experiencing pain, strength and support during this difficult time.  I am thinking about you all.

Making Progress

Things are starting to fall into place and it is all very surreal!

As of tomorrow I'll be 21 weeks pregnant.  After going to the OB on Thursday, I 'came-out' on Facebook and am now officially embracing this pregnancy.  It feels good.

At a party last night, there were 3 new moms and 3 of us who were pregnant (one who could pop at any moment).  It was pretty awesome sitting there chatting with these ladies and I feel ready to embrace everything and start actively planning and getting ready for Dragon.

Since I've been in denial for so long, or have become so overwhelmed with everything - I figure creating a list of things I need to do to get ready would be helpful.  This way too - if there is anything missing the other experienced moms out there could maybe add to it and let me know what else I need to do.  Of course, things will change - I know that.  But I have to start somewhere right?!!?

List:

1. Nursery preparation:
                         - painting is almost finished, Hubby just has to do touch-ups.  Floor needs to be purchased and installed, baseboards up.
                          - we've started looking at furniture and have almost made some decisions
                           - Looking at wall-murals

2. Travel System research:  a few weeks ago I began my search and became too overwhelmed.  After last night and talking with some of the moms - I have a better idea of where to go and what to do.  Looks like I have high tastes and am looking at a very expensive stroller. But I think it will be worth it.  Hubby and I will go and look at it in more detail in the next couple of weeks.

3. Prenatal Classes- once again the mom advice was incredible.  They suggested going over 6 weeks vs a weekend as the information is pretty overwhelming if you go for 2 days.  I just booked the course starting on July 9 and going through Aug. 20.  I know it will be early - but I figure it would be easier to have it through the summer when I'm off than doing it at the end when I'm going to be back at work.

4. Hospital registration and tour - booked for July 24

5. Register for our shower (which is already booked for Sept. 9)
    - after shower putting baby stuff away and organizing will be on the list and will prolly have a list of itself :)

6. Clean out storage room - right now it is an absolute disaster and I want to clean it out and get rid of stuff that isn't needed as I'm sure we'll need storage for baby stuff down the line

7.   Paying off some bills - my student loans are so close to be paid for, I want it gone!  Also, knowing I'll be off on E.I for a year, we need to get a few financial things straightened out.  Hence why I'll be teaching summer school again - this will help put us in a good position for the fall (here's hoping)

8. Research and create a short-list of names for boys.  Our Girl names are set, but we are still nowhere close to coming up with boy names. 

That's all I have for now - I guess it is a really broad list - but like I said, I need to start somewhere!

Feeling a little better

My OB is so wonderful.  She said baby is measuring right on track and she has absolutely no concerns.  She'll get the actual results in a week or so - so if there are any defects (cysts, tumors etc) we'll know then.  But right now I am just happy.  She is still seeing me every other week - I love it.  It is nice to go and get the reassurance everything is fine :)  I think I just have to except that this may actually be happening! Easier said then done though. 

I haven't gained any weight in the last 2 weeks and am only up 3 pounds since pregnancy - not bad for 20.4 weeks pregnant!  (I lost around 8 pounds in first trimester!) 

Here are some pictures of Dragon at 20 weeks!

One Year Ago

One year ago I was in the most emotional pain and agony I have ever thought possible.  On Monday June 13, 2011 I went in for my 12 week ultrasound only to find out that the baby had no heartbeat and had died at 9.5 weeks.  The next 3 days were torturous as I had to fight to receive medical attention to start to miscarry. 

On June 13th 2012, I went in for a 20 week ultrasound and saw a baby that was alive.  Moving around and being difficult for the ultrasound technician to get the proper shots she needed.  You would think, after seeing my baby yesterday I would feel more joy and be relaxed about the pregnancy.  Instead, I'm still nervous and anxious.  The ultrasound tech couldn't tell me anything. I don't even know what the heart rate was!  For almost an hour, she sat there still faced trying to get the images she needed, only asking me to change positions so she could get the necessary pictures.  At one point, she said "if this baby doesn't move, we'll be in big trouble".  I know she meant that she wouldn't be able to finish her scans, however it brought a huge lump into my throat.  I can't seem to shake it.  I go tonight to see my OB to find out the results of my ultrasound.  I hope after seeing my OB tonight, I'll be more at peace.  

Hubby and I went out for dinner to celebrate and to bring new meaning to June 13 - however, I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate.  I think I'm partially morning the loss of our first baby and terrified that our 3rd has something wrong with it.  I'm not sure why I feel this way or how to shake this frump. 

Maybe tonight I'll be in a better mood?

Heart Broken for another blogger

My heart is breaking right now for Mary Francis at Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying.  She had to deliver her triplets this weekend only 1 week shy of viability.  Mary Francis was the first pregnancy I have followed through from the beginning.  She had a miscarriage last year and now this.  I'm so sad for her and her husband.  Life isn't fair sometimes.  I was so hopeful that everything would work out for her. 

My thoughts and prayers are with her and her husband right now. 

Movement -or lack there of

Okay - crazy lady talking right now.  I was SURE I felt movements from the baby from weeks 15-17.  Usually in the afternoons I would feel gas bubbles or hunger rumbles or something.  But since my 18 week check-up where I heard the heart beat and baby move, I feel like I've felt nothing.  I've yet to feel a real discernible kick or punch and if I do have gas bubbles, they aren't as strong as they were earlier. 

I'm really starting to stress over this.  I KNOW it is still early and that I really should just relax.  I KNOW that since my 18 week apt the chances of something going wrong are slim to none.  However, things are just so scary!  Plus reading about so many of you having such concrete movements is really scaring me.  I go for my ultrasound next week - maybe it is just the terror of it all settling in? 

Hubby says that maybe what I thought were movements weren't.  Or that I'm just not noticing what were movements.  I told my OB that the moments were consistent, and she had no concerns what-so-ever...so I really should relax right?

Please tell me I'm just going crazy!!