Master of our own destiny?

Are we the Masters of our Own Destiny?  Can we will something to (or not to) happen?

My daily reading passage of Simple Abundance the other day suggested that maybe we are and it has been toying with me for a few days now. (I've included a page devoted to this book so new readers can understand what this book is).

The book states that many of us don't live in the moment and that we "unconsciously create dramas in our minds, expecting the worst form a situation only to have our expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Inadvertently, we become authors of our own misfortune.  And so we struggle from day to day, crisis to crisis, bruised and battered by circumstances without realizing that we always have a choice."

I would like to think that a medical diagnosis like Infertility, isn't something one can wish upon oneself, even though I jumped to many conclusions when we weren't successful in the first few months of trying.  I would also like to think that it will likely take more than just positive thinking to recover from IF, however, I have seen first hand how someone, through prayer and positive thinking / willpower, has recovered from cancer - many, many times.  My uncle, must be close to 14 years ago now, was diagnosed with cancer.  He was given less than 1 year to live - 40% success rate.  He and his family were very religious and prayed and prayed and prayed. He had prayer cards coming to him from Europe even!  Within a year, his cancer went into remission.  Only to resurface again...and again...and again.  He's had bone marrow transplants, so many rounds of chemo he can't have it anymore, radiation treatments, graph vs host disease and had such serious infections he was on life support.  The family thought he wouldn't make it.  The priest was in to say the last prayer. When the doctor asked if it was time to pull the plug, the family said yes and embraced one another for the end....but the end never came.  5 years later he is still going strong.  When he was first diagnosed, he only had 1 of his 5 children married - now 4 of 5 are married and he has 10 grand-children and 1 on the way.  He has beaten the odds.  I definitely think positive thinking and a refusal to give up has allowed for him to live for as long as he has.

When I got pregnant the first time, I was so scared of a miscarriage.  A good friend had one in the fall and I was devastated for her (she was only trying for a couple of months when they got pregnant).  I couldn't imagine going through something so horrific myself.  Then, early spring I found out another friend had experienced one as well.  I was terrified of having one myself.  I thought having a miscarriage would kill me - having gone through 1 year of trying already.  I never embraced the pregnancy and was terrified for the 11.5 weeks I was pregnant. When we found out we had lost the baby, I was devastated.  It was the hardest thing - both physically and emotionally - I had ever gone through.    Given this passage quoted above, could I have, in some weird way, willed this pain upon myself?  I stressed day and night about loosing the baby.  I never once rejoiced in the miracle of the pregnancy - even after we saw the heart beating at 6 weeks. When I got pregnant again, I was calmer - but still very anxious about the entire process.  All I kept thinking about was experiencing a repeat pregnancy loss - and then I joined that club too.  Throughout the entire process of trying, I was/am so negative about everything thinking that there was something 'wrong' with us.  Now, we are waiting for confirmation/more information on whether or not I have Premature Ovarian Failure.  One of the more bleak diagnosis out there.

My rational brain is telling me that nothing I could have done caused my miscarriages or my diagnosis.  However, if you only knew what was going on in my head for the last two years.  I definitely create dramas in my own head and jump from crisis to crisis.  I cannot just ever be content and live my life in the present. I always live for the future. When we saw the Dr. and she said that signs pointed towards P.O.F, I jumped on the bandwagon convincing myself I was experiencing premature menopause.  Then, that cycle, I ovulated a week late and had my period was over 1 week late.  I had never, NEVER had that happen in the 2 years of trying.  Hubby thinks there is something in that - given I stressed SO MUCH - could I be willing this diagnosis on myself? Or expediting the process?  Given that I have seen proof on how prayer and positive thinking can have positive outcomes, I can only imagine that it can affect fertility too.

How does one change how we view the world and possibly re-write our own future? By changing my attitude, and just live in the moment and be happy with my present, could I change my future too?

*note, I do not think that everyone's diagnosis or miscarriage is brought on by their own negativity.  I'm only pondering about my own story- I do not mean to offend anyone in this blog entry by suggesting heartache comes to those who will it upon themselves.*

CD35 = CD1

Finally there is an answer.  I'm not sure whether to breathe a sigh of relief or cry. 

Glad that my body hasn't completely failed me but why the heck did I ovulate SO LATE?  And since I figured I was ovulating and hubby and I DTD, why didn't we get pregnant?

Oh The Why Game - I really need to stop playing and start accepting.  In my Simple Abundance book, one of the passages this week stated you should bless what is causing you trouble, then it wont have power over you and you can essential change its outcome.

Therefore, for public knowledge, I BLESS you Infertility and my wonky periods.

There - I did it...now change outcome change!

I give up!

That's all I have to say.

Today is day 32 on my cycle (like I said last post I have NEVER gone over 28 days).  Still getting BFN when I POAS.  Boobs - still tender but are definitely not as sore as they were on the weekend.  No period in sight.

 I have no idea what is going on or what to do.  All I can do is throw my hands up in the air and say "I Give Up!"
I don't want to worry/stress about all this shit anymore.  Although I would be super happy if I were pregnant, I'm glad I am not as this whole experience the last few days has made me believe I am definitely not ready emotionally to go down that road again.  Today I walked by our memorial garden for our lost babies, I became really, really sad.  I wish our journey ended differently.

The Why Game

My cycles have been always regular.  I would start spotting between days 21 and 24 and get my period a couple days later. I would always get my period before or on day 28.  Ever since the investigation cycle, they have been wonky.  During the investigation, I didn't ovulate until day 16 and then my period came on day 29 (spotting from day 26).  Last cycle, I'm sure I ovulated almost a week late.  My period should have come on Friday, but it isn't in sight at all.  No spotting  - nothing.  Now, normally I would be jumping the gun and thinking it is because I'm pregnant, but since I know I ovulated late, my rational brain just keeps saying that my period will come late.  But why - why is my body giving clues that it is failing me, now that I have the answers when for the 2 years I was trying, I never once got any signs (except for some spotting) that things were wrong?

My boobs have been hurting me like crazy the last couple of days. Once again, I can jump the gun and think it is an early sign of pregnancy, but my rational brain is telling me how unlikely it is.  Sore boobs, although I know I have had them with some cycles, haven't been something I have ever really experienced a lot - or at least for so long.  So why then, now, with this cycle, is my body doing these crazy things?  Why do I have to go for days and days of wondering and questioning everything - only I'm sure to see AF by the end of next week?

I am really, really trying to just allow fate to take its course and try not to stress about the diagnosis or what will happen.  I'm trying to just live my life and find enjoyment in day to day living.  So why, why when I am trying so very hard to turn this corner, is my body making it so very difficult to not think about pregnancy and fertility?  Every move I make it literally is in my face (or the pain in my chest).  I can't help but think about what is or is not happening.

Ugh - I can't win for loosing it feels.

**before everyone gets too excited - I did wake up this morning and POAS.  BIG.FAT.NEGATIVE - so I do KNOW I'm not pregnant**

Experiences

I did it - I went and visited the co-workers baby.  She had a baby boy.  He is beautiful.  She is beautiful - a perfect mom.  This was the baby that was due on the same day as my first pregnancy.  I thought it would be tougher going to visit. She told us about her labour and how difficult it was.  She explained how hard nursing was at first but now she has the hang of it.  She said how fast time is going and she is in disbelief she hasn't left the house in 8 days and hearing about work actually made her sad that she isn't taking part in all of our 'excitement'.  It wasn't until afterwards I realized the magnitude of my situation and how I can only hope I will get to experience certain things.  Funny - some women lament about the pain of childbirth and difficulties of pregnancy.  Here is list of things I would give my right arm to be able to experience someday:
- morning sickness - I wish I would throw up 3 times a day and experience the worst nausea in the world
- weight gain - bring it on!
- cravings - Mmmmmm Dairy.Queen!
- sore boobs 
- big boobs - hubby would love this one too!
- labour - of any kind.  Back labour, intense labour, crazy 36 hour labour. BRING.IT.ON!
- Sore, cracked nipples from nursing - nothing that Dr. Neuman's wont fix right?
- Sleepless nights - as long as I get to hold MY BABY I wont care

I could go on...but I think you get the picture.  Talking to the new mom, she didn't quite understand how I will NEVER have sympathy as I would DIE to have that experience for myself.

I can only hope that one day, I will!

Happiness

Happiness that the world cannot take away only flourishes in the secret garden of our souls.  By tending to our inner garden and uproooting the weeds of external expectations, we can nurture our authentic happiness the way we would nurture something that's beautiful and alive.  Happiness is a living emotion. 

 This is an excerpt from the book Simple Abundance a Day book of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach.   Each day there is a small essay or inspirational message about life and how to live a more fulfilled and happy life.  This was part of last night's passage and it really spoke to me.  Happiness is something I need to find within me - If I can't be happy without any other factors, than I will never find happiness.  Children should add joy to my life, not be the anchor that I base my happiness on.  I know many people refer to money or travel or tangible objects as things that don't bring happiness, but I think I could look at children the same way.  Hubby and I should be already living a happy life and the blessings of children would just add to it.  Without children, I can still be happy and it isn't going to ruin my ability for future happiness.

A revelation

I WILL stay positive!

I have nothing else to loose but everything to gain if I do.  There are people out there who believe positive thinking can change anything - even you DNA. (My husband and friend have been engaged in a heavy email conversation about DNA and evolution based on their esoteric research - kinda boggles my mind!)

I can't live depressed anymore.  I must keep persevering.  I have to have 'faith' in my own body to know that at 29, I can hold off early menopause for a few years.  Otherwise - it is ruining everything.  Last night hubby and I tried to get romantic and all I could think of was that I was super hot and that it could be a hot flash and that I was starting menopause.  I realized this morning that I can't let it bother me in all aspects of my life.  I need to find 'peace' with everything - or at least until I get more results back.  I have too much on my plate right now with starting to teach a new course at the college and with my own classroom with a change of staff.  I need to focus on work and not on anything else.  Otherwise I am gonna have a mental breakdown.  So on the way to work this morning I decided I was just going to be positive (which isn't like me at ALL).  No more doom and gloom.  If we get pregnant - great - if not, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  I am YOUNG and I have MANY years to figure all this out.  My age isn't necessarily a reflection of how many years I have to have a baby myself (cause it may not be that many) but to figure out my life with this decision.

So for today - I am positive and happy (well I'm exhausted but that's the pitfalls of going back to work after 2 weeks holiday).   

Infertility is a fatal desease

Today I stumbled upon a La Creme post that spoke to me.  It captures the way I feel whole heartedly.  I wish I could copy it and hand it out to everyone I meet who look at my funny when I explain to them about IF.  Thanks to Becoming Parents for this amazing post.

Infertility is a Fatal Desease

NaBloPoMo

Yea - I guess January was a bad time for this.  With the recent news - it feels like I have been hit by a Mac Truck  - again.  I really don't 'feel' like blogging anything inspirational.  All it will be is an update on how I feel.

So I told some family members about our news.  My grandmother (who I have always been very close with before TTC) was like "maybe it isn't in your plan...have you ever thought of that?" and my mother - get this - said that all the women in our family have had a very easy time conceiving and that maybe I did something by going on the pill!  WTF? She actually blamed me for being on the pill!  So my family is kinda cut-out.  I have been texting my mother so she 'gets it' a bit more on how shitty this whole situation is.  But otherwise, they aren't there for support.  My mother keeps throwing adoption at us - like why haven't we looked into it more, gone through the motions.  As if one is an easy substitute for the other.  It isn't.  We aren't opposed to adoption, but it just wasn't something we ever considered.  We need to think about all our options seriously. 

I had a great talk with my neighbour last night and she said that above all, I want kids to have the family I never had.  I think she was so right.  I want a family - not just a baby to love and protect - but a family.  Like in 30 years down the road, I want a house full of my kids with their kids and wives etc.  I want that.  I think making the decision to go childless would be easy to handle until we reach that age where we are older and alone.  I dunno - like always I'm probably over-thinking everything.  I need to just wait until I get my results back and hear what the Dr has in terms of a plan.  Patience - definitely not my strong point!

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive (yea right...I'm saying I am...but I'm not).

Results

I am feeling very sad right now. I just got back from seeing my fertility specialist and got the results of our investigation cycle.

So - my FSH and LH hormones were very high indicated low ovarian reserve. I only had 4 follicles when a woman my age should have had 10. Once I did ovulate, my dominant follicle measured small. My progesterone is also low. My endimetrial lining was lagging by 2 days of where it should have been.

Hubby's test didn't come back completely normal either and we are looking at possible male-factor.

I thought the ureaplasma was our issue and that everything would be okay. I can't change my low egg count. I'm only 29 and we have been trying forever now. Hearing this news makes the 2 miscarriages that much harder. Poor eggs can be linked to the miscarriages. I just wish I didn't have to go through those losses as it may be the only time we could get pregnant.

I don't know how many times in the last year I have heard "you are young it will happen," but now, hearing the results today - that isn't necessarily the case. My age is not reflective of the amount of time I have left - in fact, it is like I am starting early menopause.

I have to go for repeat tests next month and based on those results our doctor will give us our options.  I KNOW there are many others who have gone through this and worse.  I guess it is hitting me hard because I never thought it would be me.   I'm not sure what's worse - unexplained infertility or knowing there is something wrong that you may not be able to completely fix. 

Ugh! 

Words from the 'Sage'...

Hubby sent me an email with they key to slowing down the pace of life (at least psychologically): 

As much as possible, take advantage of new and unique experiences....

When we go to the same places and do the same things, we don't make distinct memories and time seems to fly by...

Focus on positive (rather than negative) past memories, trying to live more in the present, and holding a positive perception of the future - envisioning a future full of hope and optimism.

In other words, use time wisely!

Easier said then done! I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or slap him when he sent this to me.  Is he really that clueless or is he really trying to help me?  When I confronted him about this email, he really had nothing to say in his defense.  Doesn't he get it? I WANT to be happy and positive and live in the moment - my sadness from the past is too hard to forget.  ARGH!

On another note, I'm still interested to hear if anyone has any other information on Mycroplasma.  See yesterday's post for details! 

Microplasma and Ureaplasmas and Infertility and miscarriage

I received a call from my fertility clinic stating that I tested positive for microplasma in one of my cultures taken during my biopsy.  They said studies are out there suggesting that microplasmas can be linked to infertility and causing miscarriage.  I have consulted dr google and it is definitely mixed messages on the web. Apparently upwards of 70% of people test positive for microplasma and ureplasma and it is found in fertile people as well as infertile.  Hubby and I have been ordered to both take antibiotics as we can transfer it to each other.  Has anyone had any information on this in terms infertility?  Has anyone been tested and come out positive?  We see the Dr  on Thurs. and plan on asking more questions as I didn't really think of anything to ask when the nurse called me with the results on the phone. 

In Memory

If things had been different, today would have been my due date for my first pregnancy.  We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, but found out that the fetus had died when we went for our 12 week ultrasound.  Although we had a second pregnancy and loss since, I still  mourn for our first loss as there actually was a baby growing. 

The following is a poem I wrote after the loss.  Since I passed the fetus at home, we planted a memorial garden and we buried the tiny fetus and the poem with it.  We wanted to honour the life we so preciously loved.

Will the pain of loosing you ever go away? 

You were our first, so desired and wanted and loved. 

We were so happy and excited to plan our lives with you in it, so filled with joy

We saw your heart beating; we celebrated the life that you would become

The family that we would be

The love that we would share . . .

Our hopes and dreams were embedded in your everlasting desires

And then our world came crashing down when we realized the life we were celebrating was taken from us

That you were gone …

Never to meet you, play with you, sing to you or hold you

But to always love you . . .

To hold you in a special place in our hearts

To cherish life

To love one another

To find strength to move forward and live life without you in it

We will miss you . . .