Saturday, February 4, 2012

Falling Apart

This last week I have been an emotional wreck.  The smallest thing will start the water-works....and I'm NOT a crier.  Friends have said how strong I am and how I never cry - even in the saddest movie.  This week...there is no filter.  One night I started crying while watching a NFB 20 min documentary about a bear in the rocky mountains.  The bear was hit by a train while she had her 2 young cubs with her.  The film gave the bear a the end I was bawling my eyes out.  Ugly cry. 

I then started to get teary eyed in a meeting I had about one of my students we have been struggling with.  When one of the specialists validated everything I had been saying - I got extremely emotional.  Weird.  Not to mention, I also got emotional multiple times throughout the week if hubby and I had a disagreement. 

So when my 40 something co-worker announced her unexpected pregnancy to me yesterday, I fell apart.  I held it together while we were speaking, but after she left, I lost it.  Luckily I was in my class alone.  Another colleague came by to see how I was after she heard the news.  It wasn't pretty. I've heard of multiple friends announce their pregnancies during our time of TTC - so I'm not sure why I have been hit so hard by this news.  Is it her age? Is it her reservations in this whole pregnancy? Is it that her due date is just weeks after what would have been my due date with my second loss? Is it the fact that with my other co-worker gone on mat. leave, I thought work would be a safe place as I thought I was the only other person (aside from one other E.A) who could possibly get pregnant based on age?  Our conversation was rather short but really centered around how she is convinced that it will happen for me...because she had 2 friends who weren't supposed to get pregnant and now have 2 kids.  I hate hearing these stories.  People are infertile for a whole bunch of different reasons and unless these miracle infertiles are struggling with the same diagnosis as myself, I don't want to hear it!

My friend, when texting her all this news, told me I need to stop making what is happening with other people about me.  She said that the only thing I should take from this, is that if a 40 something can get pregnant - then I should be hopeful that I can too.  There's truth in this statement...but such a hard pill to swallow. 

Driving to work one day 2 weeks ago, I heard this song on the radio and fell in love. I never listen to lyrics, but I did for this song. It was so beautiful - it spoke to me.  However, I never knew who sang it or what it was called.  For weeks, I was trying to find out.  I would listen to the radio any time I could and would skim the playlist of the radio-station on-line to see if maybe I could pick-up on a line that could be a clue to the song title.  As I was working in my class, I had the radio station playing on-line.  While my collegue was in the room with me, making sure I was okay, and I was sitting their crying my eyes out, the song came on.  It was crazy. I was able to find out the title and artist.   Although the song is about not giving up on a relationship, I feel it spoke to me about my struggle with infertility.  It has inspired me not to give up on having a baby and not matter what, it is worth all the hardships I am enduring now.  The 'US' in the song, is the relationship I will have with my future child.  Hearing it at that moment was really an amazing moment for me.  Words can't really describe it.
The song is "I wont give up" by Jason Mraz
Here is a link to the lyric video:
I wont give up

 Now I cry every time I hear it (and with the beauty of youtube that is pretty often right now). 

Why now am I falling apart when I have felt, and still feel, strong. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, just incredibly emotional. 


  1. Oh girl, this is hard stuff. Hearing someone announce a pregnancy is never easy for me. I also love how music can speak to us so deeply. Glad this song has done that for you!

  2. Sending you a big hug, Amanda, There's a lot you're dealing with right now. Sure, it's easy to say that you need to stop making what's happening to other people about you, but when one is dealing with a life crisis like infertility, sometimes this is very hard to do. So give yourself some time. And if that means you need to cry it cry, then cry it out. Scream, shout, whatever works. And for the record, this is not a sign of weakness. I actually think being willing to address your emotions is a sign of strength.

  3. Oh hun, I am sending you big, big hugs. It doesn't matter why you are emotional - something inside just needs to be let out right now. I also wanted to say, as someone who teaches, sometimes I forget about how much being around kids all day does affect me. I thought I was immune to it, but I think it has a cumulative affect. I just wanted to tell you that to validate how you have been feeling at work. Is it my imagination, or do teachers have more babies than anyone?!


  4. The more hopeful and strong I feel the more emotional I get. Beautiful song. When I find a song that touches me it sometimes gives me the strength I need when I listen to it. I hope you find the strength you need. Hugz!