Thursday, February 16, 2012

I want my innocence back

Talking to a co-worker today about her daughter-in-law's pregnancy, it became painfully obvious how innocent the act of baby-making, pregnancy and delivery are to many women.

Getting pregnant is the act of having unprotected sex.  Trying for awhile - in many people's terms is for 3-4 months.  Pregnancy is about dealing with the inconveniences it causes - sickness, weight-gain, inability to drink etc. Delivery is a choice of dr vs midwife, home vs hospital, epidural vs natural.

When you have had 2 losses, almost 2 years of trying and a nasty diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure, you have lost your innocence - 3 x.

Oh how I wish I could turn back time and just enjoy the act of trying.  As if, by being positive, I could have changed my outcome.

I wish, when I was pregnant, I could have rejoiced in pregnancy bliss and not worried every moment that something was wrong.

I wish I could fulfill my dream of having a circle of supportive women around me when I give birth (midwives) and have an intervention free delivery.  Now, I think I would be stupid to not have the most qualified Dr's around near me as who knows what could go wrong when it happens.

Although my innocence was taken from me and I know way more about the physical aspects of making a baby that go well beyond sperm meeting egg, I still have hope. My loss of innocence has made me stronger.  It hasn't broken me nor will it.  I will survive.


  1. There are days where I wish I could turn back the clock. But then I remember how difficult those few months where I didn't know what was going on and how much it sucked to be on the TTC roller coaster. Hang in there.

  2. Very true. I don't want my ignorance back...but innocence and hopefulness would be nice :)

  3. Yep, I miss the days of innocence, too. You're a warrior for pushing through all of these challenges!

  4. Yes, well said. I have not been through as much as a lot of you, but I know too much. I am still going to try so hard to enjoy every minute and try to make it as "innocent" and "normal" as I possibly can when I finally get pregnant.

  5. Thanks for this post. It's been stirring in my mind for the past few days... I finally just put up a blog post with my thoughts on the subject.