If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Today my hopefulness is gone. My optimism and hope for rejoicing in this pregnancy has been replaced by fear and anxiety.
I have discovered that my mood is directly related to my boobs. I know I have mentioned before about breast tenderness (or lack there of), so I apologize for belaboring this issue further. However, given I know that my breast tenderness disappeared about a week before my last miscarriage, I am very in-tune with how tender (or lack of tenderness) my boobs are. If I have tender boobs all day, then I am hopeful, happy and assured that everything will work out fine. If I haven't had any pain, then I feel defeated and think that everything is falling apart. Today, boobs weren't sore; therefore I am sad and feel hopeless. I really want to be happy ALL the time and not be so worried about every little thing. I KNOW each pregnancy is different and one thing does not equal doom, so why do I make myself go into a tizzy? I also know, that when I relax and not think about symptoms, my symptoms appear- almost right on cue. But if I obsess about them 100% of the time, they aren't there. So why then, can't I just relax?
I saw my therapist today and was telling her about how I am feeling. Clearly she doesn't have training in pregnancy after loss as she really didn't have anything grandois to say except to just relax and stay positive. Easier said than done.
I also think that my exhaustion is getting to me. I'm so tired, all the time that I feel depressed. Is this even possible?
Ugh - maybe tomorrow the hopeful, overly optimistic girl will be back. Can I just go to sleep and wake up at 12 weeks? Or better yet, 24?